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Original poster

After 11 years of marriage my husband suddenly wants to practice polygamy

161 replies

Ladylibra21 · 04/12/2023 06:16

Before my husband and I got married and even for years after we both made it clear that we were only interested in a Monogamous union. We both agreed that we would never want to share what we have with with another party male nor female. I even asked him at one point if he ever had a threesome in his past and he said it was never something he ever wanted or was interested in trying. I know not all men have a fantasy of a threesome but some do so I was curious to know. He told me that he went to a strip club before but he didn’t see what the hype was about and was not interested in returning. We have had conversations about polygamy and my stance on it has never changed. It’s a lifestyle that just isn’t for me and I don’t like the idea of sharing my partner. It was always something we mutually agreed on.
However after over a decade together my husband all of a sudden wants me to be open to the idea of practicing polygamy, having threesomes, and going to strip clubs with him. I am completely in disbelief about this. He told me that people in marriages are allowed to change their minds about things and that the wife should just mold to whatever the husband wants and support him. He thinks me having a “sister wife” would be beneficial for me and that she could also help me around the house. In reality I believe he only wants to practice that lifestyle for his own selfish reasons and it has nothing to do with me. I told him that he knew I was monogamous before we even got married and that If he wanted to be polygamous he should have entered into a relationship with someone who shares his morals. I flat out said that if he wants to live that type of lifestyle then we need to divorce and he needs to find someone else compatible with this new person he claims to be.
I feel like I am in a bad dream. I understand people can change but he just completely did a whole 360 on me. If he was always like this why would he lie for this long and then flip the script on me like this. I don’t even know who he is anymore. I feel like he doesn’t care if I am miserable as long as he gets what he wants and is happy that is all that matters. I don’t have anything against anyone who wants to practice polygamy and have threesomes but you cannot lie about who you really are, get with someone who does not want to live a lifestyle like that, and then later on down the line try to force them to change to your beliefs. That is a horrible thing to do to someone. I feel sick, hurt, and very angry. I haven’t told anyone in my personal life because I just don’t have the courage to do so yet. He thinks I am overreacting and this is just a normal situation! I just wanted to get someone else’s opinion on this because he keeps trying to make me believe I am just acting crazy. I really don’t even know what to do at this point.

OP posts:
EyeInTheSky23 · 04/12/2023 09:51

Also I presume, like me, if you're not bi or lesbian - you'd have no interest in going to female strip clubs. Just like he'd presumably have no interest in going to male strip shows.

I think he's subscribing to the sleazy, oversexed, creepy man theory that all women are conveniently bisexual - we're not.

oakleaffy · 04/12/2023 09:53

@Ladylibra21
How would he feel if you wanted to get him a ''Brother husband?''

You are absolutely right to want a faithful marriage.

Is divorce an option?

SisterhoodNotCisterhood · 04/12/2023 09:53

Oh my god what a great idea! Two husbands would be so much easier! Think of all the DIY and repairs that would finally get done like I ask every week! And being able to have good sex with someone who knows how to satisfy me? Fantastic.
Oh.... you don't like that idea? Didn't think so. Shall we see our lawyers this week then?

He sounds awful. You'll be well rid of him.

Nanny0gg · 04/12/2023 09:54

Viviennemary · 04/12/2023 07:59

Polygamy as far as I know isn't about going to strip clubs or having affairs. It's about having more than one wife. Which is quite different. So he wants to to get his facts straight for a start. I wonder too why you have had these conversations if this is something neither of you want. If you dont want this stick to your decision. Let him leave and live out his fantasies with somebody else.

He wants her to have a sister wife to 'help around the house' so I think he has got his facts straight.

And if that's not enough to have the OP running for the hills I don't know what is!

sashh · 04/12/2023 09:55

Alondra · 04/12/2023 08:09

I'm intrigued as well. I've been married over 30 years and never had this type of conversation with DH. From time to time we've seen a polygamous lifestyle program on TV and we both shake our heads.

Aside from this, if you don't want polygamy, 3somes or swapping partners, you say no. If he insists, you divorce him. That's it, really.

Show quote history

There are estimated 20 000 'marriages' with more than one wife in the UK. It's not common but it is not unknown in some communities.

EyeInTheSky23 · 04/12/2023 09:56

I don't know why he's become like this .... Perhaps mid life crisis.

Some men see their life and vitality and health ebbing away on the horizon and they panic and think one of the only ways to "live" properly is to fuck as many women as they can. Not be "stuck" having the same sex with the same one woman.

If that's how he feels and that's how he sees living his best life and really enjoying his life; there is literally no point in trying to have a relationship with him anymore.
Cut your losses and get the fuck out of there.

How are you set financially. You need to speak to a good divorce/family law solicitor. You need to get prepped. Because once a man has gone down this route - they very rarely change.

They're just sad, sleazy, over sexed old wankers til they can't get anyone to shag anymore (then they'll probably end up paying for it), and the Viagra doesn't work anymore.

Seeingadistance · 04/12/2023 09:56

MrsWhites · 04/12/2023 07:08

I feel like there is more to this, why would you have had so many conversations about polygamy in the past?

I’ve certainly never checked with my DH that he intends for us to always stay monogamous, it’s just assumed surely in most marriages.

This is exactly what I was thinking.

EyeInTheSky23 · 04/12/2023 09:57

sashh · 04/12/2023 09:55

There are estimated 20 000 'marriages' with more than one wife in the UK. It's not common but it is not unknown in some communities.

Show quote history

One would imagine they're Muslim households though.

It's rarer than hens teeth among non Muslim households.

EyeInTheSky23 · 04/12/2023 09:58

Polygamy as far as I know isn't about going to strip clubs or having affairs. It's about having more than one wife

Mm no, polygamy is not about having more than one wife. That's polygyny.

Polygamy is about both partners having other partners.

That's not what he sounds like he wants though.

Isometimeswonder · 04/12/2023 10:00

Is this a fake thread maybe?

SpidersAreShitheads · 04/12/2023 10:03

Why did you and your DH have so many conversations about polygamy before the marriage when it's clearly something that you have no interest in, and apparently neither did he?

It's not a normal subject to have to work through - unless you come from a culture/faith where polygamy is commonplace. Why would the subject even need to be discussed...?

On the very slim chance that this isn't a fake post, I don't think there's any coming back from this for your marriage.

Beautiful3 · 04/12/2023 10:11

You'll have to divorce. You're completely incompatible now. He's allowed to change his mind, but so are you. If he said he wanted to stop washing forever and eat to see how fat he'd become, you don't have to accept any of his new wishes. Just wish him well and leave. He's not thinking about your feelings and being faithful to you. He just wants to sleep around, I don't know anyone who'd be okay with that. It's honestly so gross and disrespectful.

Lili132 · 04/12/2023 10:39

OP are you from different cultural /religious backgrounds?
Because nobody on here will agree with your husband or tell you this is normal as it's not in our culture.
Yes - small number of people will have open relationships or practice polyamory where both partners have the same rights and responsibilities. But that's completely different to what your husband describes and it's not normal for a wife to just mould to husband's wishes.

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 04/12/2023 11:10

Bless him for trying. 🤣

He's allowed to suggest it, you're allowed to say 'no'.

Then it's his move.

Most men would like a threesome but accept it will never happen and carry on as normal. No doubt yours will be the same.

Ramalangadingdong · 04/12/2023 16:11

SpidersAreShitheads · 04/12/2023 10:03

Why did you and your DH have so many conversations about polygamy before the marriage when it's clearly something that you have no interest in, and apparently neither did he?

It's not a normal subject to have to work through - unless you come from a culture/faith where polygamy is commonplace. Why would the subject even need to be discussed...?

On the very slim chance that this isn't a fake post, I don't think there's any coming back from this for your marriage.

Perhaps they belong to a culture/religion where it is commonplace.

Andthereyougo · 04/12/2023 16:20

My response would be you can fuck right off with that, as far as possible. He sounds just 🤮

TurnerP · 04/12/2023 16:28

I would guess that he has been consuming porn and is no longer satisfied with what he now might think is "boring sex with his wife" he wants thrills etc at the same time he is quite comfortable in his marital home with you, so he suggests this as remaining married in easier and less stressful in the long time, so is pressuring and manipulating you into allowing him greater sexual access to other people.. You can say no but, he can choose to do it behind your back or you can kick him out,is there any other way forward from this

Original poster
Ladylibra21 · 04/12/2023 18:36

We talked about it as well as other unrelated beliefs and topics before we got married when we were getting to know each other. It hasn’t came up dozens of times but it has came up more than once because years later into our marriage we saw a show and on another separate occasion a true crime show that had polygamy in it which lead to the discussion. Whenever we did talk about it my stance and his stance was the same. I should have definitely clarified that in my post.

OP posts:
EyeInTheSky23 · 04/12/2023 18:40

that the wife should just mold to whatever the husband wants and support him

Ah so his definition of a wife is a submissive door mat with no needs or opinions or rights or boundaries or feelings of her own.

How interesting.

That's not my definition of a wife.

And it's not the definition of a wife in any decent society.

EyeInTheSky23 · 04/12/2023 18:44

I'm also interested to know where he thinks he's getting handy women to have threesomes with and handy women to move in and be a sister wife etc from?

How many people does he think do that?

It's a fetish, alternative lifestyle.

There are loads and loads more men than women in most fetish lifestyles. Swinging is completely oversupplied with men, as are all casual sex and polygamy sites.

Why does he think he's going to be so sought after? Lol.

Has he got some (probably not stable) target on the go already?

Is he really rich? It's usually only really wealthy men that can have soft harems like this. And the women only do it for the money.

EyeInTheSky23 · 04/12/2023 18:48

If this is what he's like (and I doubt he somehow just woke up like that one day recently) I have to concur with other posters who said - your marriage is over.

Get yourself a good divorce solicitor and start working things out.

The only thing to do with this mad man is to extract as much in "recovery losses" as possible and get far far away from him.

Original poster
Ladylibra21 · 04/12/2023 18:50

We talked about it as well as other unrelated beliefs and topics before we got married when we were getting to know each other. It hasn’t came up dozens of times but it has came up more than once because years later into our marriage we saw a show and on another separate occasion a true crime show that had polygamy in it which lead to the discussion. Whenever we did talk about it my stance and his stance was the same. I should have definitely clarified that in my post.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ladylibra21 · 04/12/2023 18:55

This is a real post! I just wanted to get an outside opinion since I’m not ready to tell my family or close friends(even though I will have to if we divorce and it looks like it will be coming to that)We talked about it as well as other unrelated beliefs and topics before we got married when we were getting to know each other. It hasn’t came up dozens of times but it has came up more than once because years later into our marriage we saw a show and on another separate occasion a true crime show that had polygamy in it which lead to the discussion. Whenever we did talk about it my stance and his stance was the same. I should have definitely clarified that in my post.

OP posts:
wudubelieveit · 04/12/2023 19:02

Sadly it’s appears likely this isn’t real as your last 3 posts are very similar …is this an AI thing?!!

Original poster
Ladylibra21 · 04/12/2023 19:18

I just wanted to let everyone know that this is a real post! I also explained why the topic of polygamy has came up more than once on other replies. I just wanted to get some advice from someone outside of the craziness that is my marriage at this point. I know I’ll have to tell my family and close friends eventually if and when this heads to divorce and believe me I am dreading it. I did end up bringing up the idea of a brother husband with him to see what he would say and his response was that men are naturally polygamous and women are not! I told him that he can naturally be polygamous with someone else. Thank you again everyone for the advice it made me realize that he is definitely trying to gaslight me. He can live that lifestyle if he wants but I won’t be apart of it.

OP posts: