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Original poster

After 11 years of marriage my husband suddenly wants to practice polygamy

161 replies

Ladylibra21 · 04/12/2023 06:16

Before my husband and I got married and even for years after we both made it clear that we were only interested in a Monogamous union. We both agreed that we would never want to share what we have with with another party male nor female. I even asked him at one point if he ever had a threesome in his past and he said it was never something he ever wanted or was interested in trying. I know not all men have a fantasy of a threesome but some do so I was curious to know. He told me that he went to a strip club before but he didn’t see what the hype was about and was not interested in returning. We have had conversations about polygamy and my stance on it has never changed. It’s a lifestyle that just isn’t for me and I don’t like the idea of sharing my partner. It was always something we mutually agreed on.
However after over a decade together my husband all of a sudden wants me to be open to the idea of practicing polygamy, having threesomes, and going to strip clubs with him. I am completely in disbelief about this. He told me that people in marriages are allowed to change their minds about things and that the wife should just mold to whatever the husband wants and support him. He thinks me having a “sister wife” would be beneficial for me and that she could also help me around the house. In reality I believe he only wants to practice that lifestyle for his own selfish reasons and it has nothing to do with me. I told him that he knew I was monogamous before we even got married and that If he wanted to be polygamous he should have entered into a relationship with someone who shares his morals. I flat out said that if he wants to live that type of lifestyle then we need to divorce and he needs to find someone else compatible with this new person he claims to be.
I feel like I am in a bad dream. I understand people can change but he just completely did a whole 360 on me. If he was always like this why would he lie for this long and then flip the script on me like this. I don’t even know who he is anymore. I feel like he doesn’t care if I am miserable as long as he gets what he wants and is happy that is all that matters. I don’t have anything against anyone who wants to practice polygamy and have threesomes but you cannot lie about who you really are, get with someone who does not want to live a lifestyle like that, and then later on down the line try to force them to change to your beliefs. That is a horrible thing to do to someone. I feel sick, hurt, and very angry. I haven’t told anyone in my personal life because I just don’t have the courage to do so yet. He thinks I am overreacting and this is just a normal situation! I just wanted to get someone else’s opinion on this because he keeps trying to make me believe I am just acting crazy. I really don’t even know what to do at this point.

OP posts:
BrimfulOfMash · 04/12/2023 09:20

the wife should just mold to whatever the husband wants and support him.

That’s an outlook I would find impossible to live with whether about sex or what cereal to buy.

He’s either joined a cult or fundamentalist religion, become a porn fantasist or is trying to gaslight you into giving him permission to have an affair.

Sister Wife, indeed! Does he feel the need for a Brother Husband? Tell him that would be a good starting point to try this poly business.

I would be telling him that what he is suggesting is not possible for me, and asking whether couples counselling would help or if we need to think about how to split.

BurntOrangeAutumn · 04/12/2023 09:20

Seriously you need to divorce him. Everything else aside the fact that that expects a woman to mould to his wishes is a huge 🚩

wudubelieveit · 04/12/2023 09:23

BurntOrangeAutumn · 04/12/2023 09:20

Seriously you need to divorce him. Everything else aside the fact that that expects a woman to mould to his wishes is a huge 🚩

this is why i'm wondering if they are from a particular religion....albeit one where the husband has lost the plot!

Topee · 04/12/2023 09:23

Don’t know where to start.

My first conversation with him would likely be about a brother husband (who presumably could also help around the house) and how he would feel if his penis was bigger than his because that’s what you’d be looking for.

My next conversation would be about the divorce.

TravelInHope · 04/12/2023 09:24

Don’t know what all the fuss is about. A respectful, but firm ‘thanks, but no thanks’, is all that is required. And move on and find somebody better.

PoliticallyIncorrectHitchling · 04/12/2023 09:25

I think he thought that in the last decade, he would be able to persuade you to his way of thinking. I dont think he was or ever wanted to be monogamous. ID dump his ass and get checked as I dont think he could've been faithful;. Sorry , I know its a bit of a reach but this is how I would think.

SWSO · 04/12/2023 09:25

There have been a lot of programmes on tv at the moment about sex , threesomes , polygamy etc , maybe this is what has sparked this idea? Or maybe someone he works with is doing this and he feels a bit jealous? Tell him no in such a way that he knows you mean it .

allyjay · 04/12/2023 09:27

And this raging misogynist prick has managed to hide this part of himself from you, for the past 11 years has he?

tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz · 04/12/2023 09:28

rwalker · 04/12/2023 07:54

On the plus side it does sound like you two communicate well about thing

he’s done nothing wrong with changing his mind
this could be for a number of reasons we get older and more confident or if you get very settled you feel like your just coasting and there more to life

THE KEY THING IS HOW HE ACCEPTS YOUR DECISION OF NO

I thinking you read his responses to OP it's clear they don't communicate well.

SwordToFlamethrower · 04/12/2023 09:29

Trez1510 · 04/12/2023 08:23

No question, I'd be handing him a one-way ticket to the curb.

I'd also be happy to tell everyone in my life the reason why I'd done so.

With a billboard with his picture on, plus a megaphone from the city centre.

millymog11 · 04/12/2023 09:30

"He told me that people in marriages are allowed to change their minds about things and that the wife should just mold to whatever the husband wants and support him. "

I actually think that a lot of married men see marriage as a long term form of negotiation. How cynical their approach to that varies from man to man I guess. Some men have it as a (initially well disguised) agenda from the off. Others have it as an agenda on a subconscious level.

It goes something like this. "All women want romance, exclusivity, a ring, a fairytale wedding, settling down in domestic bliss, children...."

Once I have got to the end of that list in terms of "giving" her these desires of her heart, she is so deeply into the life she always wanted she is literally powerless to change it. (the reality is that children do in many ways chain women to a particular type of lifestyle).

Once the children come along the man thinks (either as a slow dawning as he has been doing it in secret for a while anyway or as a sudden "now you have what you always wanted its my turn" moment) I've done my bit, now I get to shag around.
If they are "humble" enough to recognise they do actually get something themselves from the domestic set up they will try to be "kind" by saying they want threesomes instead of outright leaving and sleeping with anything they fancy and they happen to come across.

This might sound very cynical but sadly it is true. 11 years of marriage is not an uncommon milestone.

I wish you well OP. I think you should consider what you want 100% from this point in. Flowers

GreatGateauxsby · 04/12/2023 09:31

Soontobe60 · 04/12/2023 06:20

Tell him that yes, people are allowed to change their minds in marriages, and that you’ve changed your mind about wanting to be married to him.

Honestly this.

And I don’t say that likely.

MargotBlobby · 04/12/2023 09:32

I admire the creativity of some these fake posts, but this is a bit too on the MN nose for me.

Ramalangadingdong · 04/12/2023 09:36

What a horrible situation to find yourself in. No advice. Just a hand hold and a hug.

I have a question: who does he have in mind and how long has he been seeing her?

user1492757084 · 04/12/2023 09:37

It is not manditory to change one's mind.
You have remained true to the idea of marriage to the exclusion of all others, your husband is proposing a very radical change.
He is disrespectful to you in how he explains polygamy too.

I would be getting my ducks all lined up ready to divorce.
You must be shocked and thinking he is playing an unthinkable joke.

beatrix1234 · 04/12/2023 09:37

I just love how your husbands concept of polygamy is quite similar to the old mormon one: man with two wives who have to get along. Why don't you tell your husband your concept of polygamy is women with two husbands, you plan to bring a man home so he can have some brotherly figure? In any case sounds to me like your husband was trying to please you at the beginning with all that:" I never go to strip clubs and intend to be monogamous" in order to grab you. I don't think he was being fully honest when he married you.

CactusPeach · 04/12/2023 09:38

He didn't necessarily lie all those years, he may have changed his mind but either way it's not okay for him to try and make out you're wrong or unreasonable for not also changing your mind.
He either needs to accept you're not open to it or accept you want different lifestyles so he can either keep things as they are or if he feels it's really important to him then divorce.
Are you able to divorce him? My concern would be that he'd start cheating to get what he wants without having to start over with no wife.

PinotPony · 04/12/2023 09:41

DP and I are polyamorous. So I think I have some insight into the subject.

Have you asked DH why he now wants to open the marriage? What's his motivation? Is it just the thrill of having sex with someone new? What is the intimacy like in your relationship? Are you both happy with your marriage?

You clearly don't want to do it. And that's fine. He should accept that. If he tries to guilt trip or pressure you, he's an arsehole. But, rather than just going "Urgh, that's disgusting!", you might want to figure out why this situation has arisen.

JanuaryBug · 04/12/2023 09:41

He almost certainly (like 99.9%) has somebody in mind to be that 'sister wife'. Someone has caught his attention and he wants to have his cake and eat it too.

What a disgusting pig.

OhGoodie · 04/12/2023 09:42

Sorry OP. You need to leave.
He’s decided monogamy is not for him.
There’s no way back from this because if you don’t agree to it (which you shouldn’t as you clearly do not want to), he’s only going to go out and cheat on you anyway.
I wouldn’t be surprised if something hasn’t already happened if I’m being honest.

Tatumm · 04/12/2023 09:43

Oh my, is this real?

Assuming it is, OP it must have come as a terrible shock. I would get yourself some counselling, to get some support whilst you decide how to proceed.

SoySaucePls · 04/12/2023 09:44

Who has he been watching online?

this doesn’t come out of nowhere.

he’s been influenced by some sort of online material

ask him what he’s been viewing.

the internet is a curse at times

because I’ve seen it online “it’s normal”

doesn’t matter that it’s 0.5% of the population but oh yes because it’s online it’s fine.

all I can say is the grass is always greener but if you shit all over your home lawn before leaving, don’t expect to be able to come back

FucksSakeSusan · 04/12/2023 09:45

100% he won't be so keen on the idea if you want to be polyamorous with another man.

Polyamory is a legitimate lifestyle choice but only when all parties involved want it. It sounds like you are monogamous and have always made that clear.

He doesn't seem like he respects you or your boundaries. Throw the whole man in the bin!

EyeInTheSky23 · 04/12/2023 09:47

If he only wants to have threesomes with another woman and only go to female strip clubs and only have a "sister wife" added to your relationship.... That's not polygamy.

That's polygyny.

In polygamy you'd have equal opportunity to go have threesomes with another man, have another man as your second partner in the home, and he'd go to male strip shows with you

So, he doesn't want polygamy. He doesn't want anything "equal".

He wants to have sex with other women while losing none of the benefits of marriage etc with his wife.

Also ... Threesomes - with other women - you're presumably heterosexual, not bi or lesbian - so what are you supposed to getting out of the threesomes??
Why are you supposed to be comfortable with them?

I can appreciate a beautiful female but I'm not sexually attracted to females, I'm heterosexual - not lesbian or bi - so why the fuck would I want to have sexual contact with another female?!
(That's totally aside from the issues of watching my husband have sexual contact with another female).

Really he just wants permission and agreement to cheat, to have sex with multiple women, and to do so without losing anything.

None of this is remotely normal incidentally. Hrs gax lighting you trying to pretend it is.

Very few people are polygamous.... Not that this is polygamy he wants, anyway.

PeachBlossom1234 · 04/12/2023 09:47

I see these on Tinder all the time, and they're usually gross, overweight, greasy haired men...ick - they all have ENM written in their profile, and I guarantee that most of them are just wanting to cheat on their wives.

He wants to have his cake and eat it; you're allowed to say no.