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Original poster

After 11 years of marriage my husband suddenly wants to practice polygamy

161 replies

Ladylibra21 · 04/12/2023 06:16

Before my husband and I got married and even for years after we both made it clear that we were only interested in a Monogamous union. We both agreed that we would never want to share what we have with with another party male nor female. I even asked him at one point if he ever had a threesome in his past and he said it was never something he ever wanted or was interested in trying. I know not all men have a fantasy of a threesome but some do so I was curious to know. He told me that he went to a strip club before but he didn’t see what the hype was about and was not interested in returning. We have had conversations about polygamy and my stance on it has never changed. It’s a lifestyle that just isn’t for me and I don’t like the idea of sharing my partner. It was always something we mutually agreed on.
However after over a decade together my husband all of a sudden wants me to be open to the idea of practicing polygamy, having threesomes, and going to strip clubs with him. I am completely in disbelief about this. He told me that people in marriages are allowed to change their minds about things and that the wife should just mold to whatever the husband wants and support him. He thinks me having a “sister wife” would be beneficial for me and that she could also help me around the house. In reality I believe he only wants to practice that lifestyle for his own selfish reasons and it has nothing to do with me. I told him that he knew I was monogamous before we even got married and that If he wanted to be polygamous he should have entered into a relationship with someone who shares his morals. I flat out said that if he wants to live that type of lifestyle then we need to divorce and he needs to find someone else compatible with this new person he claims to be.
I feel like I am in a bad dream. I understand people can change but he just completely did a whole 360 on me. If he was always like this why would he lie for this long and then flip the script on me like this. I don’t even know who he is anymore. I feel like he doesn’t care if I am miserable as long as he gets what he wants and is happy that is all that matters. I don’t have anything against anyone who wants to practice polygamy and have threesomes but you cannot lie about who you really are, get with someone who does not want to live a lifestyle like that, and then later on down the line try to force them to change to your beliefs. That is a horrible thing to do to someone. I feel sick, hurt, and very angry. I haven’t told anyone in my personal life because I just don’t have the courage to do so yet. He thinks I am overreacting and this is just a normal situation! I just wanted to get someone else’s opinion on this because he keeps trying to make me believe I am just acting crazy. I really don’t even know what to do at this point.

OP posts:
Thepeopleversuswork · 04/12/2023 08:31

I also find it slightly odd that polygamy/polyamory is something you've talked about prior to marriage: I can't imagine this ever coming up in even a theoretical discussion with someone. Is this a fairly routine thing in your culture?

It wouldn't be for me and it clearly isn't for you either and that's fine. I find the "sister wife" comment creepy as fuck and the way he appears to be trying to make it look as if this is what you want as well is horrible.

As a PP said, people can change their approach to marriage and that works both ways: you are well within your rights to decide marriage to a man who wants polygamy is not for you.

mrmr1 · 04/12/2023 08:35

Maybe he has had is head turned an he wants the best of both worlds.

GoingDownLikeBHS · 04/12/2023 08:35

First post OP? If this is real please tell me you haven’t got children?

Azerothi · 04/12/2023 08:37

I would be highly suspicious that in your monogamous marriage you are the only one being monogamous.

I could not stay with someone so unintelligent, downright thick and dismissive of my feelings, never mind the fact he has been living a lie. What does his assumed affair partner have to say about this?

BillionaireTea · 04/12/2023 08:39

Still don't know if you mean polygamy or polyamory. The advice would be different for each as polygamy would have a significant cultural background (for example if your wider religious/family community would expect you to accept this) and you'd need help navigating those cultural assumptions and the legal framework about your marriage.

Polyamory is just an open marriage which can be negotiated in a number of ways.

It sounds a bit like he just wants licence to shag around and is giving it a sort of veil of religious or cultural context so you "have to" agree?

LuciaPillson · 04/12/2023 08:40

Has he been watching Sister Wives or fantasising about being Warren Jeffs?

Well he sounds amusing but enough is enough. Tell him that you find it an utterly charming idea that you should mould yourself to his wishes and get a sister wife to help you with the washing-up and blowjobs (could be just the rest you need on the other hand), then pick him up by the scruff of the neck and gently deposit him in the bin.

Alternatively you could take him seriously and mould yourself to him so completely that your atoms fuse and he will never, ever be alone again. Offer this suggestion to him with a slow, sinister Grinch smile that grows to take over your entire face.

Or say 'Why do men want so many wives? Wives are angry,' and then make a demon face like the little girl in the Exorcist.

Oh and tell EVERYONE.

There's a better life waiting for you out there OP, go get it!

silentpool · 04/12/2023 08:46

Tell him, if he gets a new wife, you'd like a hot new husband.

Firefly2009 · 04/12/2023 08:52

Why have you even discussed polygamy in the past? Are you mormon? Or is he? Totally weird conversation to even have in the first place.

im sorry this has happened to you. Unfortunately you can’t control this situation and you need to get out.

Get a solicitor asap and start divorce proceedings. And make sure you tell everyone why you are divorcing him. He is a complete idiot and you’re better off without him. Smh.

babyproblems · 04/12/2023 08:55

Agree with pp that I don’t think polygamy is legal almost everywhere on earth so he’s dreaming there.

he sounds vile op. Clearly doesn’t think you are his equal or understand equality. Leave him for better xxx

TiredCatLady · 04/12/2023 08:57

ChatGPT up early on a Monday…

Sholkedabemus · 04/12/2023 09:00

He told me that people in marriages are allowed to change their minds about things and that the wife should just mold to him.

This is utter bollocks @Ladylibra21 . Yes he can change his mind but his views on “the wife” are inexcusable. Tell him to fuck right off.

I’m so sorry you are faced with this. 💐

OlderandwiserMaybe · 04/12/2023 09:03

I'm another one who thinks it's odd that you've had to have previous conversations about polyagamy? Are you from a cultural background where polyagamy is common?

This sentence jumped out to me the wife should just mold to whatever the husband wants and support him.

No Wife should have to mould too her husbands desires!!! Whatever they are.

How red do you need your flags to be OP - Your husband is a disrespectful idiot. I'm not sure if there is a way pas this for you. even if he drops the idea of Polyagamy - he's still shown you his true colours in terms of his lack of respect for you.

CrunchyCarrot · 04/12/2023 09:04

That's a hugely drastic turnaround, OP. It really sounds like something or someone has influenced him strongly. Perhaps one of his friends? It isn't normal for this to suddenly happen in a longer-term relationship. Please don't force yourself to go along with it, it won't end well.

Imperfectp3rf3ction · 04/12/2023 09:04

Why on earth would you have so many conversations about it before getting married ? I mean that's just not normal and actually makes the whole story seem a bit unreal tbh. Regardless just end the relationship 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

wudubelieveit · 04/12/2023 09:05

polygamy and having threesomes/other non-monogamous sexual behaviour are totally different things you realise?are you Mormon or Muslim, some people within those religions practise polygamy, the "sister wife" thing is where a husband takes a second "wife" so yes they may be helping out with housework etc but thats not the same as having a threesome etc! you may want to respond to this thread as people are suggesting this is chatGPT!

ThankYoufortheDay · 04/12/2023 09:09

Are you sure he means polygamy? Does he know what it means?

Berthatydfil · 04/12/2023 09:09

It sounds to me like he is either watching a lot of 3 some porn and has some kind of fantasy, (single men find it harder to get into swingers clubs than couples), or he fancies a bit on the side without actually leaving the marriage so he can come back to a clean house, food on the table, pipe and slippers etc, or even have you cook and clean for him and your sister wife while he has sexy time.
Either way you have a choice and can decline and chose to end your marriage. Sounds like its over anyway the way he is behaving.
Get your financial info together and go see a solicitor. Trying to force an unconsenting spouse to open a marriage /try polyamory sounds like grounds for unreasonable behaviour to me.

Also go see your STI clinic or GP as he may already be experimenting.

ThankYoufortheDay · 04/12/2023 09:10

Polygamy isn’t going to strip clubs with him.

SwordToFlamethrower · 04/12/2023 09:11

I got to the part about "sister wife" who can "help with cooking and cleaning"
Then "wife molds herself to her husband".

I read this out to my husband and he said he'd expect me to throw him out of the upstairs window face first, followed by all his clothes and stuff 3 seconds later.

So there's my advice.

Dump him and his stuff on the lawn and change the locks.

What a disgusting, sexist man.

Dingdongdog · 04/12/2023 09:13

He sounds vile, and creepy.
Of course he can change his mind but that doesn't mean you have to.
You are well rid.

Dingdongdog · 04/12/2023 09:14

Oh, and if you don't realise this already, he sounds abusive. Speak to woman's aid.

Whattodowithit88 · 04/12/2023 09:14

His having an affair.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 04/12/2023 09:16

BuddyBuddyBumBum · 04/12/2023 07:32

He told me that people in marriages are allowed to change their minds about things and that the wife should just mold to whatever the husband wants and support him

ICK

Tell him you’ve changed your mind about being his wife. I’d bet my hat he’s got another woman on the go already.

Edited

Even leaving aside any other issues that comment would have me running for the hills.

Tryingmybestadhd · 04/12/2023 09:16

Why don’t you play his game ? Tell him you will accept him having an extra wife if you can have a extra husband . Let’s see his reaction then

BurntOrangeAutumn · 04/12/2023 09:18

SwordToFlamethrower · 04/12/2023 09:11

I got to the part about "sister wife" who can "help with cooking and cleaning"
Then "wife molds herself to her husband".

I read this out to my husband and he said he'd expect me to throw him out of the upstairs window face first, followed by all his clothes and stuff 3 seconds later.

So there's my advice.

Dump him and his stuff on the lawn and change the locks.

What a disgusting, sexist man.

You husband sounds brilliant 😂