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Original poster

After 11 years of marriage my husband suddenly wants to practice polygamy

161 replies

Ladylibra21 · 04/12/2023 06:16

Before my husband and I got married and even for years after we both made it clear that we were only interested in a Monogamous union. We both agreed that we would never want to share what we have with with another party male nor female. I even asked him at one point if he ever had a threesome in his past and he said it was never something he ever wanted or was interested in trying. I know not all men have a fantasy of a threesome but some do so I was curious to know. He told me that he went to a strip club before but he didn’t see what the hype was about and was not interested in returning. We have had conversations about polygamy and my stance on it has never changed. It’s a lifestyle that just isn’t for me and I don’t like the idea of sharing my partner. It was always something we mutually agreed on.
However after over a decade together my husband all of a sudden wants me to be open to the idea of practicing polygamy, having threesomes, and going to strip clubs with him. I am completely in disbelief about this. He told me that people in marriages are allowed to change their minds about things and that the wife should just mold to whatever the husband wants and support him. He thinks me having a “sister wife” would be beneficial for me and that she could also help me around the house. In reality I believe he only wants to practice that lifestyle for his own selfish reasons and it has nothing to do with me. I told him that he knew I was monogamous before we even got married and that If he wanted to be polygamous he should have entered into a relationship with someone who shares his morals. I flat out said that if he wants to live that type of lifestyle then we need to divorce and he needs to find someone else compatible with this new person he claims to be.
I feel like I am in a bad dream. I understand people can change but he just completely did a whole 360 on me. If he was always like this why would he lie for this long and then flip the script on me like this. I don’t even know who he is anymore. I feel like he doesn’t care if I am miserable as long as he gets what he wants and is happy that is all that matters. I don’t have anything against anyone who wants to practice polygamy and have threesomes but you cannot lie about who you really are, get with someone who does not want to live a lifestyle like that, and then later on down the line try to force them to change to your beliefs. That is a horrible thing to do to someone. I feel sick, hurt, and very angry. I haven’t told anyone in my personal life because I just don’t have the courage to do so yet. He thinks I am overreacting and this is just a normal situation! I just wanted to get someone else’s opinion on this because he keeps trying to make me believe I am just acting crazy. I really don’t even know what to do at this point.

OP posts:
AllProperTeaIsTheft · 04/12/2023 07:54

I feel like I am in a bad dream. I understand people can change but he just completely did a whole 360 on me. If he was always like this why would he lie for this long and then flip the script on me like this. I don’t even know who he is anymore.

I imagine he was 'always like this' in the sense that many men would probably always like to have a green light to sleep with other women without having to bother divorcing their wives. It's not a question of him having developed a different moral code or suddenly being inspired to embrace an interesting new lifestyle. He just fancies shagging other people and thinks you're gullible/obedient enough to let him do it. I really hope he's wrong!

rwalker · 04/12/2023 07:54

On the plus side it does sound like you two communicate well about thing

he’s done nothing wrong with changing his mind
this could be for a number of reasons we get older and more confident or if you get very settled you feel like your just coasting and there more to life

THE KEY THING IS HOW HE ACCEPTS YOUR DECISION OF NO

Viviennemary · 04/12/2023 07:59

Polygamy as far as I know isn't about going to strip clubs or having affairs. It's about having more than one wife. Which is quite different. So he wants to to get his facts straight for a start. I wonder too why you have had these conversations if this is something neither of you want. If you dont want this stick to your decision. Let him leave and live out his fantasies with somebody else.

MrsMarzetti · 04/12/2023 08:01

He is not the boss. Tell him to go and stay with the mistress he already has.

newnamechangeforthisone · 04/12/2023 08:02

Is it a religious thing? Islamic or LDS/mormon?

It's basically sounds like he wants an excuse to have an affair.

There is no chance I would accept it. Does he really think another woman will want him? Is he extremely wealthy or something? I'd start getting my affairs in order so that I would be ready to divorce him.

LambriniBobinIsleworth · 04/12/2023 08:09

Watchkeys · 04/12/2023 06:34

that the wife should just mold to whatever the husband wants and support him

This would mean divorce, for me, regardless of the polygamy thing. Who does he think he is? Your boss? Does this reflect his general attitude towards equality?

Was he always a raging misogynist? This is a very weird stance to suddenly take if he was otherwise a modern-thinking millennial/Gen X. Has he had a bang to the head?

BoohooWoohoo · 04/12/2023 08:09

Your instincts are correct. He thinks that women are for sex and housework.
He’s not necessarily secretly always been pro polygamy but I think he’s got someone specific in mind or wants to “audition” more than one online woman. Does he really think that he’ll be inundated with offers? How many wives would even fit in your current home?
I think it’s unusual to have a third person in relationship. Out of those people it’s more usual that it’s a one night stand or the women live in different houses.
Either way I wouldn’t want this kind of situation. Would he accept another man moving in instead?

Alondra · 04/12/2023 08:09

Bucklands · 04/12/2023 07:08

I'm confused about why you've had all these conversations about it over the years if it wasn't something that may have been on the cards. My DH and I have been together the same amount of time as you and have never had this conversation 🤷‍♀️ we assumed when we got married we'd be monogamous. Regardless of that's what he wants and you don't I can't see a way forward as a couple, don't let yourself get talked into something you don't want 💐

I'm intrigued as well. I've been married over 30 years and never had this type of conversation with DH. From time to time we've seen a polygamous lifestyle program on TV and we both shake our heads.

Aside from this, if you don't want polygamy, 3somes or swapping partners, you say no. If he insists, you divorce him. That's it, really.

3WildOnes · 04/12/2023 08:11

I am also wondering if there is a back story? I've been with my husband over 15 years and we haven't ever has a discussion about polygamy.

His comment that the wife should mould to what the husband wants would be enough for me to end the marriage.

Ladymarycrawley1920 · 04/12/2023 08:12

“The wife should just mold to the wants of the husband and support him”? And you would benefit from a “sister wife”??? He’s having a laugh. Absolutely bloody not, he doesn’t get to decide this on your behalf and force you to go along with it. If he wants that, fine, go elsewhere (although to be honest I think he will struggle to find it) but if I was you I would be out of the door as fast as my legs would carry me. What a Twat. How would he feel about having a “brother husband”? Idiot.

PuzzledObserver · 04/12/2023 08:12

Yes, people can change their minds about these things, but no, there is no obligation on the wife (why just the wife, I wonder?) to mould herself to fulfil the husband’s needs.

He’s telling you it’s no big deal and completely normal? He’s wrong. Most people are not polygamous - although quite a few have affairs and then move on to the new partner, very few end up long-term with multiple concurrent partners.

He’s gaslighting you.

You told him if he wants to live like that, then it will be divorce and he can find someone else to live that lifestyle with. I completely agree with you.

I’m sorry. It IS painful and confusing. But you will get through it.

Brefugee · 04/12/2023 08:15

tell him that you've thought about it and you are not averse to the idea of a 3 way marriage and that you've found an idea brother-husband who can take over some of the onerous duties (having sex with you) while he concentrates on earning more money to pay for it all.

And then leave.

Cyclebabble · 04/12/2023 08:17

Nope. Marriage is generally understood as two people and this is the deal you signed up to. What he is proposing would be a deal breaker for me. Also the way it is being proposed- sister wife FFS sounds controlling and solely centred around him. I notice there is no mention for example, of you seeing multiple young men, and I strongly suspect he would pull up sharp if this came on the horizon. As for going to a seedy strip club with him, absolutely note.

Is his mental health okay? This does sound like a gigantic midlife male crisis.

butterpuffed · 04/12/2023 08:18

It does sound like your DH has always shown an interest as you say you both discussed monogamy 'before and even for years after' you were married . Also discussions about polygamy , threesomes etc .

tara66 · 04/12/2023 08:19

Where do you live? Polygamy is illegal in the Western world, South America, Russia and elsewhere.

CurlewKate · 04/12/2023 08:20

He's having an affair.

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 04/12/2023 08:20

and that the wife should just mold to whatever the husband wants and support him.

I'm, sorry but your marriage is over. His head has already been turned and this is just his way of making you divorce him rather than him being the bad person Flowers

Newbie1011 · 04/12/2023 08:22

I love how he is selling this fantasy ‘extra sex’ wife to you by suggesting she can also ‘help YOU around the house’ !!!

Don’t all queue up at once, ladies…..

Seriously, get rid of this moron, OP

ClairDeLaLune · 04/12/2023 08:22

the wife should just mold to whatever the husband wants and support him

This stands out in your post OP. Your marriage isn’t equal, in his eyes. He wants to control you, and that’s not what marriage should be about. Who made him the boss?

I’m sorry OP but it sounds like he already has someone in mind, and he could already be having an affair. Stand your ground.

Trez1510 · 04/12/2023 08:23

No question, I'd be handing him a one-way ticket to the curb.

I'd also be happy to tell everyone in my life the reason why I'd done so.

OriginalFloorboards · 04/12/2023 08:26

Sorry to hear this OP.

Agree with @Soontobe60 which was perfectly put.

Rosecutting · 04/12/2023 08:26

His attitude here would cause me to change my mind and trade him in, regardless of whether he goes ahead with this.

He's just told you he has no respect for you .

Ick !!

” The wife should do what the man wants” 🙄

CatMandarin · 04/12/2023 08:27

Are you in Utah? I agree you should suggest a Brother Husband instead.

Gointhruhell · 04/12/2023 08:27

tara66 · 04/12/2023 08:19

Where do you live? Polygamy is illegal in the Western world, South America, Russia and elsewhere.

Do you mean bigamy?

UnpalatableButTrue · 04/12/2023 08:29

MrsWhites · 04/12/2023 07:08

I feel like there is more to this, why would you have had so many conversations about polygamy in the past?

I’ve certainly never checked with my DH that he intends for us to always stay monogamous, it’s just assumed surely in most marriages.

I was just reading through to see if anyone else had said this, before I did.

That part seemed very odd to me.