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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To mothers of sons

168 replies

lovenotwar149 · 02/12/2023 17:39

I am a mother to 3 adult sons. 24, 27, 30 yrs. I think my hubby gets jealous when I do things for them. E.g. 2 live away and when they visit I get super excited, and u express this in words and I may cook something I know they like etc etc He senses this and judging by his comments (digging and sarcastic) he struggles with seeing this excitement in me and seeing me doing things for them. I actually find it difficult to see his lack of excitement at them visiting. Its not like I dont do things for him btw. Any comments?

OP posts:
fulawitt · 03/12/2023 16:41

All the best on your journey OP.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 05/12/2023 12:07

lovenotwar149 · 03/12/2023 07:56

Morning all,

Thank you for further comments. I am or was y'day very triggered by comments about my husband being a dick. Whilst I stand by that, as in its unkind to name call, his behaviour is not on. I KNOW it and yes I took to this sight because I KNOW its not ok. I am working on this. In terms of childhood trauma, myself and my husband (he won't admit this) have I believe experienced childhood trauma. My parents who I am no contact with now had a chronic violent marriage. It impacted me greatly. My role to my narcissistic mother was to be her carer emotionally, a term I have now learnt to be called 'emotional incest.' I believe my husband has blocked out his trauma but I believe (like his mother was) he was beaten as a child. Very sad. His dickish behaviour (insecurity/jealousy etc) is as a result. I have compassion for myself and I have compassion for him too. I have undergone a HUGE change. I have meditated for yrs now, had 3 bouts of therapy over the last 20 plus years, my relationship with each of sons is going from strength to strenght. I used to be scared of my husband in the way my mum was scared of my dad. We were all scared of my dad. Whilst my husband has never been physically violent like my father, I realise I have been in much of my marriage tiptoeing around him and taking care of HIS emotions, his stress, his anger, much like my mum did for my dad. A frequent line from her to me was 'dont make dad angry.' I am NOT scared of my husband anymore, this is the miracle in my journey. He knows it now and I believe this is 'uncomfortable' emotionally for him. Hence he is acting out. This is where we are at in our journey and I am choosing to not walk away from my marriage but to work through this very difficult stage we are in right now. Mumsnet has helped. Thank you once again people. Much love xx

"Acting out", is he a child? Why are you letting him behave like a spoilt, selfish child?

Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 05/12/2023 14:59

"Acting out", is he a child? Why are you letting him behave like a spoilt, selfish child?
Yes he is emotionally....unfortunately for me

OP posts:
Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 05/12/2023 15:00

I am not in charge of his behaviour , he is. I am putting in boundaries so as not to tolerate such childish behaviour

OP posts:
LeRougeEtLeNoir · 05/12/2023 16:04

@lovenotwar149 its lovely to see you so strong. And able to put boundaries in place.
As you’ve said, it has been a long journey for you but the result is there. That’s amazing.

And yes, esp if your DH git used to you pandering to his emotions, he is going to find that difficult!
Im just going to say, take care of yourself. Just now, it might just be acting out his grumpiness and jealousy/trauma/whatever. But just be careful those episodes of ‘acting out’ don’t become so strong or common that you end up walking in eggshell again. You’ve changed. He hasn’t. He isn’t going to like it, in part because he hasn’t done the inner work to be able to deal with it.

Epidote · 05/12/2023 16:16

He may be nice when he is having you in his orbit like a satellite but he should be also nice when you are doing thing with other people as well.

He is not that nice after all.

Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 05/12/2023 17:36

Agreed! Atm his 'niceness' is inconsistent. He is fine but when I make a request for a change in behaviour I.e. say something like 'pls can you let me know if etc etc or can you pls put your dishes away from lunch I need the kitchen to be clean as Im about to prepare dinner etc ' he doesn't like that. Its not that he has a problem clearing up after himself or cooking for the both of us of doing lots and lots of helpful/useful/kind things for me and others too, he is pretty good at all these chores, not at all lazy. its a problem for him(his uncomfortable emotions obviously come up that the doesn't know how to deal with) when I ask him/remind him etc if he hasn't done something. This could be because he has forgotten,got distracted etc He seems to take it as a criticism and then acts in a mean way. I think he may experience feelings of shame in those moments , he might berate himself internally for not being about to see it himself, for not being perfect etc and then he projects those shameful feelings he can't handle onto me. Its very sad. think he has very low self esteem. That said I WILL NOT be anyone's punching bag. Sort your shit out or not. I have empathy but I will take care of me FIRST now.I didn't used todo that.Its a BIG BIG change for us both

OP posts:
Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 05/12/2023 17:39

I used to really pander to his emotions. I prob still auto very small extent, change doesn't happen overnight. But ii am most def a changed woman and it feels sooo damn good toot fear his emotions that he can't handle. Not my problem. I can't quite believe I have got tooth's place to be honest

OP posts:
Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 05/12/2023 17:40

oops lots of typos...hope u can make sense of it

OP posts:
Epidote · 05/12/2023 18:07

@lovenotwar149 I supposed that in the past your life with three kids revolved somehow around them. Usually women, specially those of us that left our thirties, behind have the sense of mothering not only their kids also their husbands. It is educational for some of us. He wants you to continue to do it for him but as a fully grown he won't accept the criticism because he is a fully grown up.
Being jealous of other people it is a connotation of either big insecurities or big selfinesh, one doesn't exclude the other. By your description I would have to agree about the insecurity part.

As you said, is he the one who need to work on that, not you. You can support and help, but is him the one who needs to made the changes.

Insecure people can be very demanding and needy up to the point that people have to leave them behind for their own mental health.

Also they like to work with the inception idea concept. This is not a proper term, it comes form a movie where people is implanted with an idea that they think is theirs. I mean, they like to be in charge and think they got the idea themselves, even if it was someone else who have it.

You may think that is manipulation, and somehow may be seem as that, however it is a mechanisms to jiggle about people who is not good enough processing their own feelings in an assertive way.

willWillSmithsmith · 06/12/2023 10:42

Personally I would not be arsed to keep this relationship going. It’s not meant to be an endurance test or need to have boundaries so firmly placed as if you’re keeping a tiger at bay. It’s not meant to be this much work.

You’re not going to be getting any medals or trophies at the end of this just a lot of stress and unhappiness (which you probably have already experienced).

My (thankfully) ex could be childish (and was very jealous when my son was a baby). It put me right off him and I couldn’t respect him for it. Childish men are so very unattractive on every level.

Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 07/12/2023 08:05

willWillSmithsmith

Thank you for your msg. I can see what you mean. However I can be arsed and I am committed too. A relationship IS hard work in my opinion.I want to and I am prepared to put the work in with the stress and unhappiness it brings too. It also brings a lot of joy and happiness too. There are more good days. With other relationships where there were way too many awful days and the odd day that went well, I am not in touch with them anymore.

Thank you again for your msg :)

OP posts:
Mummymummy89 · 07/12/2023 10:04

A relationship IS hard work in my opinion

It really, really doesn't have to be. My dh makes my life easier in literally every way, emotionally, sociably, practically, financially. I know he thinks the same about me.

Even just day-to-day household stuff is easier with a good partner because of economies of scale - I don't just mean costs but eg cooking for two is less than double the work of cooking for one, so if you take turns it's less work than living alone.

If your partner is your best friend, you can have a pleasant natter with your best friend literally everyday.

If you're ill or injured your partner will help take care of you and vice versa.

If you want to try a new restaurant or show you have a best friend to go with you.

Relationships most definitely do not have to be hard work and should require constant compromise and forbearance. Raise your expectations op, it doesn't have to be like this

willWillSmithsmith · 07/12/2023 10:11

lovenotwar149 · 07/12/2023 08:05

willWillSmithsmith

Thank you for your msg. I can see what you mean. However I can be arsed and I am committed too. A relationship IS hard work in my opinion.I want to and I am prepared to put the work in with the stress and unhappiness it brings too. It also brings a lot of joy and happiness too. There are more good days. With other relationships where there were way too many awful days and the odd day that went well, I am not in touch with them anymore.

Thank you again for your msg :)

And putting in the work is absolutely fine as long as he is too. It should be a two way street and hopefully it is 🤞

Desecratedcoconut · 07/12/2023 10:12

He's jealous of your sons, what kind of Freudian shit is that?

Spinningbrain · 07/12/2023 10:39

It’s a bit odd but then my wife doesn’t like it that over the last year or so I’ve become a lot closer to my daughter and we spend more time together.

Schheater · 09/10/2025 09:59

I think my hubby gets jealous when I do things for them.

🤢 How can you share a bed with him Op. look him in the eye even?! What a pathetic person

Schheater · 09/10/2025 09:59

Oh sorry it’s a zombie!

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