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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To mothers of sons

168 replies

lovenotwar149 · 02/12/2023 17:39

I am a mother to 3 adult sons. 24, 27, 30 yrs. I think my hubby gets jealous when I do things for them. E.g. 2 live away and when they visit I get super excited, and u express this in words and I may cook something I know they like etc etc He senses this and judging by his comments (digging and sarcastic) he struggles with seeing this excitement in me and seeing me doing things for them. I actually find it difficult to see his lack of excitement at them visiting. Its not like I dont do things for him btw. Any comments?

OP posts:
CallieQ · 03/12/2023 00:52

lovenotwar149 · 02/12/2023 17:39

I am a mother to 3 adult sons. 24, 27, 30 yrs. I think my hubby gets jealous when I do things for them. E.g. 2 live away and when they visit I get super excited, and u express this in words and I may cook something I know they like etc etc He senses this and judging by his comments (digging and sarcastic) he struggles with seeing this excitement in me and seeing me doing things for them. I actually find it difficult to see his lack of excitement at them visiting. Its not like I dont do things for him btw. Any comments?

3 adult sons here too but I've never experienced anything like that with my now exDH.. I think yours has a problem

AirFryerFrequentFlyer · 03/12/2023 01:16

lovenotwar149 · 02/12/2023 17:58

weird? Or deeply insecure?

About his OWN KIDS ConfusedConfusedConfused

That is really fucked up. Like really, really fucking odd.

Stop trying to find excuses. Stop baking to appease him. Challenge him on it, get him to have a long hard think about what the emotions are that give rise to this behaviour. If he can't self reflect and improve, he's not someone I'd want to be with.

caringcarer · 03/12/2023 01:16

I love it when my adult sons of 28 and 36 come back to my house. I always clean and tidy and cook their favourite meals and get their favourite desserts and snacks. My DH is their stepdad but he never seems to mind me fussing over my son's. I do the same when my DD comes back home. I think it's normal. My eldest son only comes home twice a year and I visit him 3 times each year.

SheerLucks · 03/12/2023 01:43

Roselilly36 · 02/12/2023 19:01

I totally spoil my DS’ 22 & 20, they are just great, I love being in their company. DH is even more soft with them than I am. So he definitely doesn’t get jealous, over my affection towards them. Have you spoken to your DH about it?

This is 100% how it should be!

Your DH sounds absolutely vile and the sort of father that makes children deliberately settle thousands of miles away across continents!

fulawitt · 03/12/2023 03:17

He does not behave like their father. Did he raise them, was he involved or were you a married single mum - you know what I mean ? When you become a parent it's not about you anymore. There is another generation. He never made the shift. I do not believe he is their biological father. Did he raise them ? Then there is another question : Do you still love him ? Is this just one of those moments when he glaringly knows you do not love him anymore ? What is his love language, have you cut the supplies ? Then he sees you liberally giving the goods to others ( gifts : cake service : fussing and going the extra mile for big adults). More seriously : Everybody told you this is not normal, he should be fussing also. What is the dynamic between them when they are there : us vs him ? Mama's boys against the world ? Does he do things with them (only men going out etc). Does your fussing about allow for "dad and boys time" ? That would soften the blow but he is still a dick. Sorry. You painted the guy with a very grim brush and you are astonished he is unlikable. Did you say the truth ? You should be upset. You should voice it and express it. There is nothing wrong with that. The first thing is admitting that there is a problem. Perhaps it is not for you to fix. And jealousy is jealousy it's not love. Also sorry honey he is his behaviour, he has been very consistant. When you give all the time you are a giver, he is a prick.

WhichEllie · 03/12/2023 05:22

Not exactly the same, but my mother was the same towards me and my father. She resented him taking me places and spending money on me, and would interrogate him if he bought me things. He would often have me pick something nice to give her to help assuage her jealousy and keep her from being horrible to me. I think it ultimately led to their divorce after 30+ years because while my father could turn a blind eye to the way she acted towards him, he couldn’t ignore the way she treated me.

Draconis · 03/12/2023 06:37

This is not normal behaviour. Just because it does happen sometimes, it doesn't make it normal. There's something wrong when it happens.

Readingineading · 03/12/2023 07:06

lovenotwar149 · 02/12/2023 18:10

I actually think MANY ppl get jealous of their own kids, many. Mothers get threatened by daughters, and fathers by sons. My hubby is not abnormal

They don't.
Why start a thread if you are not willing to accept other people's opinions?

Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 03/12/2023 07:56

Morning all,

Thank you for further comments. I am or was y'day very triggered by comments about my husband being a dick. Whilst I stand by that, as in its unkind to name call, his behaviour is not on. I KNOW it and yes I took to this sight because I KNOW its not ok. I am working on this. In terms of childhood trauma, myself and my husband (he won't admit this) have I believe experienced childhood trauma. My parents who I am no contact with now had a chronic violent marriage. It impacted me greatly. My role to my narcissistic mother was to be her carer emotionally, a term I have now learnt to be called 'emotional incest.' I believe my husband has blocked out his trauma but I believe (like his mother was) he was beaten as a child. Very sad. His dickish behaviour (insecurity/jealousy etc) is as a result. I have compassion for myself and I have compassion for him too. I have undergone a HUGE change. I have meditated for yrs now, had 3 bouts of therapy over the last 20 plus years, my relationship with each of sons is going from strength to strenght. I used to be scared of my husband in the way my mum was scared of my dad. We were all scared of my dad. Whilst my husband has never been physically violent like my father, I realise I have been in much of my marriage tiptoeing around him and taking care of HIS emotions, his stress, his anger, much like my mum did for my dad. A frequent line from her to me was 'dont make dad angry.' I am NOT scared of my husband anymore, this is the miracle in my journey. He knows it now and I believe this is 'uncomfortable' emotionally for him. Hence he is acting out. This is where we are at in our journey and I am choosing to not walk away from my marriage but to work through this very difficult stage we are in right now. Mumsnet has helped. Thank you once again people. Much love xx

OP posts:
Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 03/12/2023 07:58

Readingineading · Today 07:06

lovenotwar149 · Yesterday 18:10

I actually think MANY ppl get jealous of their own kids, many. Mothers get threatened by daughters, and fathers by sons. My hubby is not abnormal
They don't.
Why start a thread if you are not willing to accept other people's opinions?

Well if my husband is getting jealous then someone somewhere else is too. Thats my point. I am accepting of other pals opinions. I am also free in the forum/current discussion to challenge some of them too.
Many thanks for your reply

OP posts:
Random30 · 03/12/2023 08:07

He sounds desperately immature. All the trauma-washing in the world won’t take away the fact he’s behaving like a three year old, because that’s his level.

Can you ever just factually state something he doesn’t like without it going pear shaped.
What would happen if you said “I see that you experience anger and jealousy when you don’t have 100% of my attention”. or “Why do you frame me doing something nice for someone else as being hurtful to you?”

Random30 · 03/12/2023 08:12

lovenotwar149 · 03/12/2023 07:58

Readingineading · Today 07:06

lovenotwar149 · Yesterday 18:10

I actually think MANY ppl get jealous of their own kids, many. Mothers get threatened by daughters, and fathers by sons. My hubby is not abnormal
They don't.
Why start a thread if you are not willing to accept other people's opinions?

Well if my husband is getting jealous then someone somewhere else is too. Thats my point. I am accepting of other pals opinions. I am also free in the forum/current discussion to challenge some of them too.
Many thanks for your reply

There are others but it isn’t normal, and we absolutely recognize it as being bad/undesirable/ to be worked on.

It’s your life to try to fill up the void in him, but he is broken, and without scruples as to his behaviour.

Mummymummy89 · 03/12/2023 08:13

I know that my view is out of fashion but I can't bear pop-freudian psychoanalysis that excuses shitty men's behaviour.

Sometimes it's not rocket science, he's just being immature and selfish. It's nonsensically indulgent to make long winded excuses for a man who is jealous of treats and attention given to a 3yo. That frames it as something within the paradigm of acceptable and understandable.

It's not acceptable or understandable, it's at best laughably silly and at worst abusively possessive.

delix · 03/12/2023 08:15

I love spoiling my adult son and his girlfriend and I never not will

Dilbertian · 03/12/2023 08:24

lovenotwar149 · 02/12/2023 18:06

In terms of his father role, and his dad was the same, he is quite stoic. He is there for each of his sons if they need him. And when they ring for something about the car/finances etc he DOES deliver. Most definitely. If they dont NEED anything, he doesnt really speak to them. He believes a man needs to be self sufficient

Yet he is not. How is it self-sufficient to be jealous of them love your children get from their own mother?

Sorry, this is not normal. This is daft, infantile, disrespectful and unattractive.
(Mother of adult dc, both sexes.)

wellhellohowstheweather · 03/12/2023 08:30

Your last post is wonderful to read. It's ok to have compassion for him but his pain doesn't give him permission to act this way. They are his children. My DH is excited to see DS when he comes home from school for goodness sake! Nevermind if we barely saw him.

You talk about compassion for him, where is his compassion for you?

napody · 03/12/2023 08:32

lovenotwar149 · 02/12/2023 18:10

I actually think MANY ppl get jealous of their own kids, many. Mothers get threatened by daughters, and fathers by sons. My hubby is not abnormal

Nope, disagree. I'm sure it happens, but I've never seen it- I don't think it's common at all. It's bizarre and shows you more about how your DH views you than anything else. You're his allotted woman, and all your energy should go into pleasing him, nobody else.

Dilbertian · 03/12/2023 08:34

I actually think MANY ppl get jealous of their own kids, many. Mothers get threatened by daughters, and fathers by sons.

Jealous - yes. Threatened - absolutely not.

True, I have some jealousy for my dcs' successes,I wish I had had it myself at their ages. But threatened by it? Absolutely not. Quite the opposite - I am delighted by whatever successes they achieve and do whatever I can to support them.

I know perfectly well that I moved down a peg when the dc were born. Dh adores them and they are his absolute priority. Again, am I threatened by this? Absolutely not. Loving our dc and setting them up for a good life are the priorities for both of us. And, critically, we both still treat each other with love and respect.

napody · 03/12/2023 08:35

Just read your update. I hope he can adjust to you not tiptoeing around him. What emotional work is he doing- it sounds as if you've done yours! Good luck to you.

GuitarGeorgina · 03/12/2023 08:35

My mother used to get very jealous of the fact that I was close to my father (and not to her), and actually behaved quite badly.

SallyWD · 03/12/2023 09:00

I find his jealousy really odd! You have a different relationship with your children than the relationship you have with your partner.
I think your excitement about seeing your sons is really lovely and it's sad he can't see it as heartwarming, only as some kind of threat or slight against him.

Roselilly36 · 03/12/2023 09:19

Heartbreaking update to read OP

Of course you love your boys, you both do. You love each other too, but DH needs to understand the love for your children, is a different type of love, it doesn’t mean you love them more, it’s just different. You really need to discuss this with your DH as it’s upsetting. Good luck Flowers

Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 03/12/2023 09:36

Roselilly36 · Today 09:19

Heartbreaking update to read OP

Of course you love your boys, you both do. You love each other too, but DH needs to understand the love for your children, is a different type of love, it doesn’t mean you love them more, it’s just different. You really need to discuss this with your DH as it’s upsetting. Good luck

Thank you specifically for this message. I think the universe is working for me not against me. Have just come upstairs after a VERY decent chat with my husband about my love for my sons. Aswell as my love/care/concern for the little boy I look after from time to time. I expressed how my love/kind act for each of these human beings is JUST THAT. It doesn't mean I love another less. He listened, he listened.
I do love each of my sons very much so,I love their dad too, very much so. that means loving the 'dickish' part too.
Yes the love for a child is different for the love for ones partner.

p.s. I think the banana bread incident will become a joke between us.Not today tho...too soon!!
p.p.s I will DEFINITELY be making banana bread again for that gorgeous little boy and I will do boldly too!!

Thanks people!!! Thanks a LOT!!

OP posts:
Mummymummy89 · 03/12/2023 09:38

p.s. I think the banana bread incident will become a joke between us.Not today tho...too soon!!
p.p.s I will DEFINITELY be making banana bread again for that gorgeous little boy and I will do boldly too!!

That's good op! He's very lucky to have you for a wife

ThePoshUns · 03/12/2023 09:43

I have 2 adult sons, one lives away.
Both DH and I get excited when he comes home.
Your DH needs to grow up.