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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To mothers of sons

168 replies

lovenotwar149 · 02/12/2023 17:39

I am a mother to 3 adult sons. 24, 27, 30 yrs. I think my hubby gets jealous when I do things for them. E.g. 2 live away and when they visit I get super excited, and u express this in words and I may cook something I know they like etc etc He senses this and judging by his comments (digging and sarcastic) he struggles with seeing this excitement in me and seeing me doing things for them. I actually find it difficult to see his lack of excitement at them visiting. Its not like I dont do things for him btw. Any comments?

OP posts:
ohdamnitjanet · 02/12/2023 20:45

lovenotwar149 · 02/12/2023 17:56

I think he has issues because recently he made sarcastic comments about the 3 year old boy I look after from time to time. A neighbours son. I made the boy banana bread and he didn't like it

Sorry @lovenotwar149 , he REALLY is a dick.

Nanny0gg · 02/12/2023 21:32

BetteDavisChin · 02/12/2023 17:53

My dh is like this too. He tries to make excuses why they shouldn't come and asks how long they'll be staying and can't wait for them to leave.
He also used to check that I hadn't dished up more food to my son than I had to him - looking from one plate to another, suspicious ly.
He goes down in my estimation a little bit every time.

Only a little bit?

I couldn't be with an overgrown, jealous manchild

Nanny0gg · 02/12/2023 21:32

lovenotwar149 · 02/12/2023 17:56

So a few days later I made banana bread agin just for my hubby

Pandering to him won't make it better

Nanny0gg · 02/12/2023 21:34

bananabug · 02/12/2023 18:02

I think it's a normal father son thing. I have noticed this same dynamic with my brother in law and his sons. It is a sort of 'pecking order' thing?

Not normal.

Nanny0gg · 02/12/2023 21:34

lovenotwar149 · 02/12/2023 18:06

In terms of his father role, and his dad was the same, he is quite stoic. He is there for each of his sons if they need him. And when they ring for something about the car/finances etc he DOES deliver. Most definitely. If they dont NEED anything, he doesnt really speak to them. He believes a man needs to be self sufficient

The 1950s is thataway<<<<<<

Nanny0gg · 02/12/2023 21:38

lovenotwar149 · 02/12/2023 19:01

Thank you everyone. I appreciate ppl sending replies most definitely.i will ponder on them. Ppl that write 'your hubby is a dick' etc etc , why do you do so? They are unkind words and unnecessary.

Because he's also jealous of a three year old

Or presumably anyone you pay attention to

Give0fecks · 02/12/2023 21:38

My dad does this. @lovenotwar149 listen carefully - it’s driven a massive wedge between me and my mum, as she panders to it and I feel essentially ‘chose’ him over me.

I was very ill when I had my first baby and she didn’t really visit/ help because my dad got shitty about ‘being left alone’. He didn’t want to come. I’ve never really got over it.

Foxymoxy68 · 02/12/2023 21:39

My sister's middle son died suddenly aged 26-her and her ex husband (the son's father) would do anything ANYTHING to have him back and make a fuss of him even for one day.

Nanny0gg · 02/12/2023 21:39

lovenotwar149 · 02/12/2023 19:08

I took vows to marry my husband which means I am in it for the long haul. I will work together with him to help him with his insecurities and I will ask, accept and expect twosome extent the same from him to me. I have issues too like the rest of us. I post on here for tips and help from time to time not for ppl to write my hubby is a dick

You got genuinely felt opinions

cerisepanther73 · 02/12/2023 21:44

I am really confused struggling to understand what's so lovely about a man your husband who's who behaviour's like this around his own children

just curious 🤔 what kind of upbringing did you have @lovenotwar149

as that give us clues and insight about why will just go along with him passive ect...

Bumblebeestiltskin · 02/12/2023 21:44

lovenotwar149 · 02/12/2023 18:13

if my hubby is behaving this way....so are others!!

Yep, other weirdos.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 02/12/2023 21:49

lovenotwar149 · 02/12/2023 19:08

I took vows to marry my husband which means I am in it for the long haul. I will work together with him to help him with his insecurities and I will ask, accept and expect twosome extent the same from him to me. I have issues too like the rest of us. I post on here for tips and help from time to time not for ppl to write my hubby is a dick

Tip 1: Understand your husband is a dick.

HTH.

MrsNandortheRelentless · 02/12/2023 21:49

Oh stop it.
you know he is a dick.
But you are accepting his crappy behaviour.

You have clearly been on the receiving end of it, and don’t like it otherwise why have you come for tips from people on how to handle it, because clearly the pandering to him it hasn’t altered it.

You are being made by someone else to walk on egg shells around your own bloody children so you don’t upset that person.

Clear as day, that IS NOT RIGHT.

You still have not said if you have had a conversation with your husband about how much it bothers you.

DreamItDoIt · 02/12/2023 22:06

Haven't read the full thread but imo this behaviour is linked to him thinking that he should be the most important thing and the focus should be on him. He doesn't like it that he is (or feels he is) pushed to one side or second in the pecking order. Is he insecure?

I have observed similar ish behaviour in my DP but then he is second to my children and I do prioritise them.

Uurrjb · 02/12/2023 22:09

Why are you minimising his behaviour?

do/did his parents enjoy spending time with husband?

have you spoken to him about this?

Mummymummy89 · 02/12/2023 22:31

Give0fecks · 02/12/2023 21:38

My dad does this. @lovenotwar149 listen carefully - it’s driven a massive wedge between me and my mum, as she panders to it and I feel essentially ‘chose’ him over me.

I was very ill when I had my first baby and she didn’t really visit/ help because my dad got shitty about ‘being left alone’. He didn’t want to come. I’ve never really got over it.

This is really awful, I'm so sorry. How completely awful of both of them

Zanatdy · 02/12/2023 22:41

I find this odd behaviour, to be jealous of your own children.

ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 02/12/2023 22:54

lovenotwar149 · 02/12/2023 18:03

think it's a normal father son thing. I have noticed this same dynamic with my brother in law and his sons. It is a sort of 'pecking order' thing?

Yes I think so

I don't think it's a normal father-son thing at all .

We are in a different situation from you in that our son lives locally so we see him frequently - however DH and DS have a really close relationship - they go to sports events and gigs together and DH is just as happy to see DS when he calls round as I am. He cooks for him too.

DirtyDuchess · 02/12/2023 22:57

It's a sad situation and I'm amazed you're not cross about it. I feel like he thinks he owns you and is annoyed that you dare give your attention to anyone else. Either ignore him because you can justify his actions or have it out with him before your sons start to notice and step away. Good luck.

cerisepanther73 · 02/12/2023 23:45

Your are married to an immature man child Prick
Arsehole,
You only get one life

He's posses two cocks , one unsatisfactory size one and a gigantic massive one on his head.

MorrisZapp · 02/12/2023 23:56

I've never heard of this in my life. I'd walk across DPs face to get to my son if he needed me, DP would do same to me. Only a broken human doesn't prioritise their own child.

cerisepanther73 · 03/12/2023 00:03

I agree@MorrisZapp totally

Well said.!

Sholkedabemus · 03/12/2023 00:07

My DH isn’t even father to my sons, yet he’s completely fine about them coming over. I go out with them as well and he really doesn’t mind one bit. I think he quite likes a quiet evening to himself.

@lovenotwar149 your DH is being extremely unreasonable.

Inauthentic · 03/12/2023 00:20

I made the boy banana bread and he didn't like it

I agree it's a very unattractive, he sounds very insecure.
It's probably some kind of childhood trauma or early attachment issues.
Perhaps he didn't get enough attention from his parents and it affected his adult life.
Was he emotionally neglected as a child?

Is he jealous of other men? Coworkers, friends?

Lucytheloose · 03/12/2023 00:28

lovenotwar149 · 02/12/2023 18:24

The behaviour and the person are not the same imo

Er, yes, they are.

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