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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To mothers of sons

168 replies

lovenotwar149 · 02/12/2023 17:39

I am a mother to 3 adult sons. 24, 27, 30 yrs. I think my hubby gets jealous when I do things for them. E.g. 2 live away and when they visit I get super excited, and u express this in words and I may cook something I know they like etc etc He senses this and judging by his comments (digging and sarcastic) he struggles with seeing this excitement in me and seeing me doing things for them. I actually find it difficult to see his lack of excitement at them visiting. Its not like I dont do things for him btw. Any comments?

OP posts:
Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 02/12/2023 18:26

Do you think he would act differently if you had daughters?

Good question1 I dont know!

OP posts:
Dogcatmousecat · 02/12/2023 18:29

Your husband sounds pathetic TBH ! We have 2 sons and one is in Vancouver,coming home in 2 weeks for Christmas. I am super excited and even though husband is not particularly demonstrative ,he appreciates how excited I am !

InSpainTheRain · 02/12/2023 18:31

I have two sons, both early twenties. Of course I am excited to see them and make food that is their favourite etc. Dh is also excited to see them and I'd expect nothing else. Your DH sounds a jealous twat, who on earth is jealous if their own kids ffs!

PlanetOfTheDogs · 02/12/2023 18:36

Jealous of his own children, I couldn’t be arsed with that.

Regardless of his reasons, he needs to stop before he ruins his relationship with you and his children. It’s pathetic and deeply unattractive.

sixteenfurryfeet · 02/12/2023 18:39

FairlySane · 02/12/2023 17:49

Would you not be equally excited and welcoming if you had adult daughters visiting ?
Is this exclusively because your adult children are male ?
I also have adult sons and an adult grandson and don’t quite get you and your husbands focus on gender.

Isn't it obvious? The OP has sons, that's why she is posting about them and not daughters. There is also the possibility that fathers behave differently towards daughters than they do sons. No middle-aged Alpha male being usurped from his position as leader of the pack by a younger and stronger male for one thing.

Mummymummy89 · 02/12/2023 18:44

He's not just jealous of his own adult sons, he's jealous of... op baking for a 3yo neighbour!

Op hastens to point out her dh can cook his own banana bread, missing the point.

Op I'm embarrassed for him and I'm not even his wife. Surely this isn't new behaviour?

Floralnomad · 02/12/2023 18:44

I don’t think it’s remotely normal to be jealous of your adult children . Your husband sounds quite insecure .

theriseandfallofFranklinSaint · 02/12/2023 18:58

My sons are younger than yours - 19 (away at Uni) and 16 (at home)

I get super excited when DS1 comes home for the weekend and I can't wait for Christmas with him back! However DH is the same and although wouldn't think to cook his favourite meal or make sure he has fresh bedding on, he is as excited as me to have him back.

I do make a point of making sure DS2 knows that this is what happens when kids leave home and he will also get the special treatment when he's at Uni and comes home for the weekend, etc. TBH I'm not sure I'd he cares really but I like things to be fair!

Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 02/12/2023 19:01

Thank you everyone. I appreciate ppl sending replies most definitely.i will ponder on them. Ppl that write 'your hubby is a dick' etc etc , why do you do so? They are unkind words and unnecessary.

OP posts:
Roselilly36 · 02/12/2023 19:01

I totally spoil my DS’ 22 & 20, they are just great, I love being in their company. DH is even more soft with them than I am. So he definitely doesn’t get jealous, over my affection towards them. Have you spoken to your DH about it?

Favouritefruits · 02/12/2023 19:04

My brothers wife is a bit like this, she’s an only child so think she struggles with sibling relationships, she sees me as another woman rather than her husbands sister and gets all pissy if I do something nice for him like bake a cake, it’s weird just like your DH!

Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 02/12/2023 19:05

Favouritefruits. interesting. Its rooted in insecurity I believe

OP posts:
autienotnaughty · 02/12/2023 19:07

Clearly he wasn't taught to share

Reugny · 02/12/2023 19:08

lovenotwar149 · 02/12/2023 19:01

Thank you everyone. I appreciate ppl sending replies most definitely.i will ponder on them. Ppl that write 'your hubby is a dick' etc etc , why do you do so? They are unkind words and unnecessary.

Because his behaviour is completely unpleasant particularly when you added that he is jealous of a random 3 year old child.

Most people see a child under 5 it brings back good memories.

Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 02/12/2023 19:08

I took vows to marry my husband which means I am in it for the long haul. I will work together with him to help him with his insecurities and I will ask, accept and expect twosome extent the same from him to me. I have issues too like the rest of us. I post on here for tips and help from time to time not for ppl to write my hubby is a dick

OP posts:
LeRougeEtLeNoir · 02/12/2023 19:11

lovenotwar149 · 02/12/2023 18:14

You appreciate people telling you how gross this is?

I have more compassion for poor behaviour. Its a manifestation of emotional pain

Well you see we all have different experiences.

I did all the ‘let be compassionate’ and ‘it’s just emotional pain’ to explain DH behaviour.
It just fucked me up. I wish I hadn’t been so ‘compassionate’ and realised that reasons are not excuses much earlier than I did.

LeRougeEtLeNoir · 02/12/2023 19:12

But you did ask people to comment on your DH behaviour. Not to get tips.

It so happens that most people think his behaviour is crap. 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

PlanetOfTheDogs · 02/12/2023 19:29

OP, you asked for ‘any comments’, what did you expect with the behaviour you’re describing? He is a dick. 🤷‍♀️

Tips: Tell him to stop being a dick.

Nosleepforthismum · 02/12/2023 19:30

Sorry, but he is a dick based entirely on the two scenarios you have given us:

  1. he is jealous of you showing your joint children attention.
  2. he is jealous of a three year old.

At an absolute minimum, he should be scathingly told to grow up any time he makes such immature comments.

CheshireCat1 · 02/12/2023 19:46

Enjoy having your sons home, I’m sure your husband will be ok, perhaps seeing them makes him ponder on his lost youth and makes him feel a little insecure.

willWillSmithsmith · 02/12/2023 20:11

lovenotwar149 · 02/12/2023 18:10

I actually think MANY ppl get jealous of their own kids, many. Mothers get threatened by daughters, and fathers by sons. My hubby is not abnormal

It’s wrong though! Whichever way you want to look at it and excuse him he’s a dick for being insecure and jealous of his grown up kids and a three year old ffs!

fulawitt · 02/12/2023 20:33

He is super jealous, he wants your attention, maybe you do things for them that he would like you to do for him. What is his love language ? Does your special time with him get annihilated when they are there ? Do you stop doing things for him that you usually do ? I would have a quiet talk with him ahead of time to try to understand were he comes from.

ThisIsntThe80sPat · 02/12/2023 20:37

This can't be real? A man jealous not only of his own children but a 3 year old getting banana bread?

If this is real, you are with a horrible man

Oblomov23 · 02/12/2023 20:41

Your Dh is a prick.

BrimfulOfMash · 02/12/2023 20:44

lovenotwar149 · 02/12/2023 18:01

Oedipus complex?

Oedipus Rex, the Greek tragedy. About the fear that a son will usurp his father….

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