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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To mothers of sons

168 replies

lovenotwar149 · 02/12/2023 17:39

I am a mother to 3 adult sons. 24, 27, 30 yrs. I think my hubby gets jealous when I do things for them. E.g. 2 live away and when they visit I get super excited, and u express this in words and I may cook something I know they like etc etc He senses this and judging by his comments (digging and sarcastic) he struggles with seeing this excitement in me and seeing me doing things for them. I actually find it difficult to see his lack of excitement at them visiting. Its not like I dont do things for him btw. Any comments?

OP posts:
BrimfulOfMash · 02/12/2023 17:56

Tell him he is acting like some animal in a David Attenborough documentary where the adult male kills or ejects male cubs.

Ego, testosterone and power struggles may be natural in the animal kingdom but he breeds to behave like a civilised human and jealousy over the female is not acceptable.

Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 02/12/2023 17:56

So a few days later I made banana bread agin just for my hubby

OP posts:
MintJulia · 02/12/2023 17:57

@BetteDavisChin You've just reminded me. My df did that when my brother came home from uni and my dm made db's favourite meal.

Df kicked up a massive fuss and said 'what about what HE preferred?'

I'd completely forgotten.

Some people are just weird.

Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 02/12/2023 17:58

weird? Or deeply insecure?

OP posts:
CanIPutTheTreeUpYet · 02/12/2023 17:58

I know what you're talking about. The person I know who does this, he just doesn't want his sons to be lazy/babied/non independent... etc. His dad was the same to him though so I can understand it to a degree. He's a great guy in every other way and wouldn't hesitate to buy them their first car etc if they pay for the lessons. Won't ever wash with me though, it can be such an unattractive trait.

Mummymummy89 · 02/12/2023 18:00

TheKnittedCharacter · 02/12/2023 17:53

It’s a very odd reaction from your husband to his own kids!

I have sons and my husband practically slaughters a fattened calf when they visit. He also regularly sends them ‘care packages’ filled with their favourite foody treats.

My FIL does the fattened calf thing!

Op don't indulge your husband by making him banana bread too. A grown man, old enough to be a grandad, jealous of treats you give a 3yo?

Sorry but what a loser.

BrimfulOfMash · 02/12/2023 18:00

Longststanding male power play. See Oedipus.

Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 02/12/2023 18:01

Oedipus complex?

OP posts:
MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 02/12/2023 18:01

You say that he isn't a dick but he is acting like a dick who believes that he has the right to be the centre of attention.

I would find this kind of behaviour incredibly unattractive.

Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 02/12/2023 18:01

I know what you mean

OP posts:
Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 02/12/2023 18:01

I know its babyish

OP posts:
Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 02/12/2023 18:02

Ii work on the premise that everyone wants to be seen, heard and loved.So I have compassion for him

OP posts:
bananabug · 02/12/2023 18:02

I think it's a normal father son thing. I have noticed this same dynamic with my brother in law and his sons. It is a sort of 'pecking order' thing?

Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 02/12/2023 18:03

I would find this kind of behaviour incredibly unattractive.

I agree, this behaviour is unattractive but he has plenty of attractive behaviours too

OP posts:
Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 02/12/2023 18:03

think it's a normal father son thing. I have noticed this same dynamic with my brother in law and his sons. It is a sort of 'pecking order' thing?

Yes I think so

OP posts:
Hazey19 · 02/12/2023 18:05

I have boys and I would think it very weird and off putting if my husband - their dad - behaved in this way. They are his children too?

Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 02/12/2023 18:06

In terms of his father role, and his dad was the same, he is quite stoic. He is there for each of his sons if they need him. And when they ring for something about the car/finances etc he DOES deliver. Most definitely. If they dont NEED anything, he doesnt really speak to them. He believes a man needs to be self sufficient

OP posts:
BoohooWoohoo · 02/12/2023 18:06

Your h is weird.

FWIW I feel like that about my daughter. I last saw her on 1st November as she’s at university in another city. When she comes home I will be cooking all of her favourite dinners etc 😊
My sons (who live with me) have never commented on my excitement.

MissMarianHalcombe · 02/12/2023 18:06

I don’t think it’s normal at all from my experience. We have 2 sons, my brother has 2 grown up sons as does my husband’s sister. None of them behave in this way.

Have you challenged him? If he is genuinely a good person surely he’d have some self awareness?

funbags3 · 02/12/2023 18:07

He sounds extremely immature. That would give me massive ick.

Mummymummy89 · 02/12/2023 18:07

lovenotwar149 · 02/12/2023 18:06

In terms of his father role, and his dad was the same, he is quite stoic. He is there for each of his sons if they need him. And when they ring for something about the car/finances etc he DOES deliver. Most definitely. If they dont NEED anything, he doesnt really speak to them. He believes a man needs to be self sufficient

A self sufficient man can cook his own banana bread, imo

Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 02/12/2023 18:08

He's very nice to them when they come home but I think he feels left out for some reason.

OP posts:
Reugny · 02/12/2023 18:08

lovenotwar149 · 02/12/2023 18:03

think it's a normal father son thing. I have noticed this same dynamic with my brother in law and his sons. It is a sort of 'pecking order' thing?

Yes I think so

Normal in his family but not normal in mine or my social circle.

All children - ok younger people - get made a fuss off by by both their parents plus random other relatives and family friends.

Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 02/12/2023 18:08

A self sufficient man can cook his own banana bread, imo

Oh he can cook btw, he cooks here regularly.We take it in turns

OP posts:
LeRougeEtLeNoir · 02/12/2023 18:08

bananabug · 02/12/2023 18:02

I think it's a normal father son thing. I have noticed this same dynamic with my brother in law and his sons. It is a sort of 'pecking order' thing?

Sorry but no I don’t think it’s normal at all.

My MIL does what the OP is doing when DH comes to see her. They see each other every other week!
I do the same with my two sons- just slightly younger than the OP’s.

And you know DH has never been ‘jealous’ of our ds. And neither has FIL ever been jealous that MIL is making an effort when DH comes over.

These young adults are HIS own children. Who get jealous if their own kids??

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