Page 6 | How do you cope with ED in a new relationship

lomwp · 2023-12-01T20:51:00+00:00

I've been seeing my new partner for around 18 months. He is a really good guy, a genuinely lovely person who would do anything for me. His family are great, and it most ways I cannot fault him at all. We are both 30. The one problem we have is that quite often he can't maintain an erection. In the very early days I put it down to nerves but it has never improved. I'm pretty certain that he fakes orgasms on a regular basis to try to hide that he's gone soft. He is very good at other sexual things, so that's not a problem at all. But I'm starting to avoid sex with him because it feels like inevitably most times it will end awkwardly. I feel like I can't be spontaneous. It is really putting me off the sexual side of things and I feel dreadful that our sex life is already deteriorating so soon in the relationship. He obviously finds it very embarrassing, that's why he's faking it. It's like this elephant in the room that neither of us are talking about. What am I meant to do?

Original poster

lomwp · 03/12/2023 22:55

Just to clear a few things up. We don't use condoms, I know he's faked it because I can feel him go soft and then a few seconds later he makes all the noises and pretends he's finished. But as we know, usually when a man finishes inside you it then comes out shortly afterwards. This does not happen. So I can be quite certain it never happened.

I haven't discussed porn with him, maybe I will have to due to the circumstances. Usually my opinion is that whatever he does in his spare time is none of my business. But if it's possible that it's causing the issue then we will have to talk about it.

I do still class 18 months as quite a new relationship. It still feels new because we don't live together and it does still feel like we are getting to know each other. I've never been good with difficult conversations but I'm aware that is the only solution.

OP posts:

acpk55 · 04/12/2023 11:47

TomatoSandwiches · 03/12/2023 12:01

When a man comes, even with a condom I can feel that throb and extra heat, I don't think it's easy to fake for a man tbh.

It’s actually really easy to fake an orgasm when wearing a condom, I’ve done it few times when I knew I wouldn’t get to orgasm,

acpk55 · 04/12/2023 12:09

lomwp · 02/12/2023 21:58

I didn't expect this many responses! Thanks to everyone who replied.

He isn't overweight, he doesn't smoke, doesn't do drugs and rarely drinks alcohol. He doesn't have any heath conditions and isn't on antidepressants or any medication.

I know the obvious solution is to discuss it. It just feels difficult because he's obviously embarrassed, but everyone is right that communication is key.

He is always up for sex, and frequently makes the moves so it's not like he's reluctant to do it. He wants to all the time, but it's me holding back because I'm trying to avoid the awkwardness that happens 75% of the time.

However this isn't the kind of relationship I want to just throw away. He is a really decent person, and I've been with enough bad guys to know he is a good one. I'm hoping we can work on this together.

If it’s okay 25% of the time - it’s probably all in his head, obviously he has to do something about this, but ED meds are easily available in the UK - and will give him physical and mental support, there are plenty of ads on TV and Facebook - can you begin a conversation around one of those?

harerunner · 04/12/2023 13:50

@acpk55

It’s actually really easy to fake an orgasm when wearing a condom, I’ve done it few times when I knew I wouldn’t get to orgasm,

Are you sure she was convinced though?

harerunner · 04/12/2023 13:56

lomwp · 03/12/2023 22:55

Just to clear a few things up. We don't use condoms, I know he's faked it because I can feel him go soft and then a few seconds later he makes all the noises and pretends he's finished. But as we know, usually when a man finishes inside you it then comes out shortly afterwards. This does not happen. So I can be quite certain it never happened.

I haven't discussed porn with him, maybe I will have to due to the circumstances. Usually my opinion is that whatever he does in his spare time is none of my business. But if it's possible that it's causing the issue then we will have to talk about it.

I do still class 18 months as quite a new relationship. It still feels new because we don't live together and it does still feel like we are getting to know each other. I've never been good with difficult conversations but I'm aware that is the only solution.

It's the rather pathetic attempts to deceive you that are more concerning than him going soft.

Does he manage to remain hard enough for long enough to satisfy you? If he's managing 20 seconds, that's very different than if he was managing 20 minutes!

Or does he "satisfy" you in other way?

And if he brings you to orgasm with hands or tongue that's also very different to him not being concerned about your pleasure.

strawberrysea · 04/12/2023 14:16

Aquamarine1029 · 01/12/2023 20:54

Walk away. Right now. No matter how much you care about someone, sometimes it just can't work out. This problem is going to become insurmountable and you will have wasted years of your life and probably your fertility on him. The relationship is already breaking down, you are not happy, and his ED is only going to get worse.

Wish him well and end it.

Agreed.
If he hasn't addressed it by now it probably means that his pride won't ever allow him to address it.
This will potentially be your life forever.
Bring it up and see how he reacts.

acpk55 · 04/12/2023 16:59

harerunner · 04/12/2023 13:50

@acpk55

It’s actually really easy to fake an orgasm when wearing a condom, I’ve done it few times when I knew I wouldn’t get to orgasm,

Are you sure she was convinced though?

Yep, only works with condoms ( obviously)

TheGreenSheep · 15/04/2026 12:56

You probably need to talk about it plainly, but without making it a big emotional summit. This sounds less like a lack of attraction and more like shame plus pressure, and the fake orgasms are probably him trying to get out of an awkward moment. I would pick a calm non-sexual moment and say you are not upset with him, you have noticed things seem stressful for him sometimes, and you want you two to be able to talk about it without either of you feeling bad. Keep it about being on the same side, not about performance.

Also take penetration off the pedestal for a bit, because once it starts feeling like a test it usually gets worse. If it keeps happening, it is worth him looking into common ED causes and treatment options in a men’s health guide instead of both of you tiptoeing around it.

Lilaclane · 15/04/2026 13:46

Aquamarine1029 · 01/12/2023 20:54

Walk away. Right now. No matter how much you care about someone, sometimes it just can't work out. This problem is going to become insurmountable and you will have wasted years of your life and probably your fertility on him. The relationship is already breaking down, you are not happy, and his ED is only going to get worse.

Wish him well and end it.

100% agree with this. Don’t sacrifice a satisfying sex life- especially not at 30! Ffs.

When I was 33 I dated a man of the same age who had the same issue. I ended up dreading going to bed with him as it demolished my self esteem. He ended up with another woman very shortly after and now has children with her! I don’t care about the why’s of his ED, or wtf was going on. It’s water under the bridge.

Point being, going to bed with him was ultimately terrible for me and I vowed to not accept sub par sex in any future burgeoning relationship. Especially if the man wasn’t proactively trying to do something about it.

wish him well and let him go. If other posters think you’re cruel for not tolerating intimacy in other ways (sometimes we just want a great shag!) then sobeit

jasflowers · 15/04/2026 13:58

Aquamarine1029 · 01/12/2023 22:05

Wrong. I'm realistic. Her boyfriend is taking no responsibility or initiative whatsoever to address this problem. If he were invested in this relationship he would.

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Neither are talking about the issues, so no one knows if he is taking responsibility.

They need to talk, been together 18months and he can keep up some of the time & is keen to have sex.

Maybe has some sort of mental issue, rather than a physical problem, either way, it might be fixable.

OP needs him at the GP's before binning him off.

UnluckyLeprechaun · 15/04/2026 14:12

Make sure he's not a porn or Instagram addict. Just been through this and despite my understanding and patience, it turned out he preferred his hand and fantasy world with hundreds of other women online to sex with me. It was quite a new relationship too. I know this is quite an old thread, but if OP is still around, I'd say it's something you should be aware of. Apologies if I've missed any relevant updates.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 15/04/2026 14:15

TheGreenSheep · 15/04/2026 12:56

You probably need to talk about it plainly, but without making it a big emotional summit. This sounds less like a lack of attraction and more like shame plus pressure, and the fake orgasms are probably him trying to get out of an awkward moment. I would pick a calm non-sexual moment and say you are not upset with him, you have noticed things seem stressful for him sometimes, and you want you two to be able to talk about it without either of you feeling bad. Keep it about being on the same side, not about performance.

Also take penetration off the pedestal for a bit, because once it starts feeling like a test it usually gets worse. If it keeps happening, it is worth him looking into common ED causes and treatment options in a men’s health guide instead of both of you tiptoeing around it.

Given that this thread is 3 years old, you'd hope they'd have probably talked about it by now!

Rockchick01 · 15/04/2026 14:59

bucksfizzforbrekie · 01/12/2023 20:59

Wow. And we wonder why men struggle to talk about these sort of things.

Op has said he's a good guy. Loving, generous, nice family. But he has an issue with sex (possibly caused by numerous other physical health conditions) the predictable MN answer is she should immediately LTB. So sexist and disgusting, imagine if a woman was here confiding that she was struggling with sex. Would we think it's ok for her dp to just dump her like that?

Op have you actually discussed this with him? I'll guess he's very embarrassed but there are actually many ways this can be improved with communication and possibly some little blue pills. There could be a number of reasons this is happening.

Sex is important but personally I think it would be incredibly shallow to ditch an otherwise good relationship over this without even trying to come to a solution or compromise first.

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Well said. Totally agree.

Naunet · 15/04/2026 20:09

Rockchick01 · 15/04/2026 14:59

Well said. Totally agree.

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I know this is a zombie thread but that post annoyed me and seeing as you agree with it, I'll explain why.

I posted on here about 14 years ago about meeting the perfect man but being worried I would mess the relationship up because I had history of child abuse that meant once I fell in love, sex started to feel wrong to me and I'd stop wanting it. I was told by almost everyone to let him go. So no, its bullshit that it would be different if it was the other way around, as per usual.