How do you cope with ED in a new relationship

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I've been seeing my new partner for around 18 months. He is a really good guy, a genuinely lovely person who would do anything for me. His family are great, and it most ways I cannot fault him at all. We are both 30.

The one problem we have is that quite often he can't maintain an erection. In the very early days I put it down to nerves but it has never improved. I'm pretty certain that he fakes orgasms on a regular basis to try to hide that he's gone soft.

He is very good at other sexual things, so that's not a problem at all. But I'm starting to avoid sex with him because it feels like inevitably most times it will end awkwardly. I feel like I can't be spontaneous. It is really putting me off the sexual side of things and I feel dreadful that our sex life is already deteriorating so soon in the relationship.

He obviously finds it very embarrassing, that's why he's faking it. It's like this elephant in the room that neither of us are talking about.

What am I meant to do?

I didn't expect this many responses! Thanks to everyone who replied.

He isn't overweight, he doesn't smoke, doesn't do drugs and rarely drinks alcohol. He doesn't have any heath conditions and isn't on antidepressants or any medication.

I know the obvious solution is to discuss it. It just feels difficult because he's obviously embarrassed, but everyone is right that communication is key.

He is always up for sex, and frequently makes the moves so it's not like he's reluctant to do it. He wants to all the time, but it's me holding back because I'm trying to avoid the awkwardness that happens 75% of the time.

However this isn't the kind of relationship I want to just throw away. He is a really decent person, and I've been with enough bad guys to know he is a good one. I'm hoping we can work on this together.

Then you need to start talking about this, right now, because the longer you allow this to continue without dealing with it, the more insurmountable it will become.

Sex aside, if you are not able to speak freely to him, your relationship is already on unsteady ground. It will not go the distance if you are unable to communicate.

My XH also had ED and it had a bad effect on my self-esteem. I'd never experienced Ed with previous partners it was awful. I tried to be reassuring but it just crunched me. I found out he was always watching porn which since I've been reading on MN I raised was probably the cause of the ED.

@RantyAnty

I agree, the OP's bf is primarily responsible for fixing this.

He’s gay, or he’s not physically attracted to you.

Hell or high water I can get and maintain an erection with a woman I fancy. That means slim, attractive and with a decent personality.

And I’m 56.

Being embarrassed or fearful doesn't make it ok not to disclose things.

Nobody needs to tell everyone everything about themselves. They may not even be in a place to recognise it themselves unaided initially.

I disagree. I was in this position for a number of years. He had had low testosterone caused by a pituitary tumour, which was the original cause but even when they raised his levels the problem persisted. He also had massive hang ups and wouldn’t discuss it, and behaved exactly like the OP’s OH. But he was incredibly generous in other ways (sexually) and always satisfied me. Eventually it became a big problem to me and he agreed to sex therapy. He realised his problem was psychological and once he knew where it was coming from, the problem just disappeared. But you must talk about it. I really hope they sort it out.

More bollocks. There are many and varied reasons for Ed.

Gosh I feel for you…. I’m going to tell you what I wish someone had said to me …. You (and only you) knows how important a full sex life is to you- and I mean that you really need to be brutally honest with yourself here- are you satisfied with him faking orgasm and you not having an erect penis inside you for the entire experience? Does a part of you feel a sense of rejection that you're ‘ not desirable enough’ to keep his erection strong? And- most importantly- if you had known about this issue at the ‘first date’ stage would you have met up with him in the first place? Others have posted that this will impact enormously on your ability to conceive and they’re absolutely right…. But if you love him then be honest with him about your feelings ( and answers to my questions) he’s not a teenager he’s a grown man and being embarrassed is no reason for him to stick his head in the sand and expect you to pretend all is well- it clearly isn’t.

I firmly believe that people owe potential partners honesty about issues that they have.

If someone doesn't recognise something and has no self awareness then that's different but I highly doubt that that's what's going on here,

At what point is someone supposed to bare their soul then? When is someone a potential partner? I absolutely believe that if conversation cannot be had, that creates something different, but this is not even an issue with appropriate support.

Your thread title says new relationship but the OP says you've been seeing each other for 18 months. That's not a new relationship! I can't believe it's been so long and you haven't talked about it. Are there other big issues you haven't discussed or just this one? Is it because it's about sex?

You really, really, really need to just TALK to him about it. Yes, it feels awkward, but you're an adult, and you shouldn't be having sex if you are too scared to talk about it.

I think you should give it 6 months max to see if he does anything about it (eg sees a GP and/or sex therapist, etc) and if there are no improvements at all I would end it. Harsh but if he is not at least trying to sort it, I think it will destroy your sex life and self esteem.

Personally I'd be worrying if he was gay or addicted to porn, which could be worrying for nothing if there is a fixable underlying issue. But you have no idea unless you start the conversation.

It depends.
Some will bare their soul right from the start even about uncomfortable situations, but I think at the latest it should be when there are some feelings and it looks like it might somewhere.

There's plenty of support out there. Plenty. The doctors and support aren't going to knock on his door though.

No, but actually, many sexual issues are anxiety driven. The security of a comfortable relationship can be enough to overcome some issues all by itself. The support of a caring partner in accessing helps often a critical component of success.

Without a partner, sex therapy is like training an athlete to run a race. You can do all the exercises etc, but we do not know what will happen on race day. It is actually far more helpful to work with a couple. Yes, some people do not want to do this. Fair enough. But if someone is a really great partner in every other way, I would definitely do a sex therapy program to iron this out.

A few people have asked if he watches porn much and I don't think you've answered this point, OP. Do you know if he does or would you not feel comfortable asking? It's worth looking up porn-induced erectile dysfunction to see if that might be what's going on.

Ok, there's quite a lot of positive stuff here...

Firstly, he seems fit and healthy, though it's still worth him seeing a doctor in case there's something.

Secondly, you say there are problems 75% of the time. That presumably means that 25% of the time things are ok, so you know things can and do work ok in the right circumstances... So you work with him in that to understand what went "right" on those occasions. It could be certain times of day or if he hasn't masturbated recently for instance.

Thirdly, he seems to have a high sex drive and wants to express frequently that with you. More often than not on threads, ED is associated with little interest in sex.

Given he has a high sex drive, I wonder if he could simply be masturbating a lot. Without getting into details, masturbation is generally involves very different physical actions to sexual intercourse, even if both involve the stimulation of the penis. If he is very used to getting himself off in a particular way with his hands, then he won't be getting those sensations through PIV sex, however good it is, and may struggle to maintain an erection and come as a result. This will be exacerbated if you're using condoms, as they will reduce his sensation further (as presumably he doesn't use those when masturbating!)

It doesn't necessarily have to be the infamous "death grip" often mentioned here which implies a porn addiction and such desensitisation that he can only come through particularly vigorous wanking with an iron grip whilst looking at extreme porn.

Of course, porn use could make this far worse, particularly if he's banging one out multiple times a day, and you only have sex after he's already orgasmed once or twice beforehand. If you've not spoken about porn - and i doubt whether you have given your communication about sexual stuff seems almost non-existent - there's a very high chance he uses it.

So, there's a lot to be hopeful about here but it does require:

1. You both to communicate about this in a supportive and open way
2. He needs to curtail his masturbation significantly, and drop the porn (if he uses it)
3. Find a different contraception to condoms (assuming you're using them which I guess you are if he's "faking" orgasms.
4. he should go to the doctor and get himself checked out. Some Cialis won't hurt either (better than viagra as it works over a much longer period)

If you both do all that, I'm confident your sexual problems will be solved, but YOU MUST COMMUNICATE!

I went through this recently OP.

We had to have a very awkward conversation as the elephant in the room.was becoming too big and I was becoming very self conscious and sexually frustrated.

We believe his is psychological related due to past relationships etc but he also bit the bullet and seen his GP so he has been referred for tests etc. Bloods all clear.

He was prescribed Viagra in the meantime to see if it made a difference and it definitely has! Each and every time he has maintained AND finished. Its like a miracle drug for us.

Contrary to popular belief, Viagra doesnt increase sexual desire, so he needs to be turned on for it to work. It gives a "helping hand" so to speak.

If he cares about your needs, he will swallow his pride and look into these options. You can also get viagra from the chemist privately after filling out an online form. Then you just collect.

Probably worth pointing out that most men can't 'fake' orgasms. There's a physiological event that takes place. Only in extreme cases where men have had a prostectomy and no can no longer ejaculate but still can have the sensation. Certainly not something one would find in your average 30 year old.

He can if he's wearing condoms.

He would have to whip it off pretty quick then and hide it so she can't check the contents! Condoms are actually transparent if you've ever had to use them!

When a man comes, even with a condom I can feel that throb and extra heat, I don't think it's easy to fake for a man tbh.

I am aware condoms are transparent. 🙄

I can't say I've had much cause to examine the contents post-sex 😂

Usually blokes take 'em off and dispose of them without the process being in eyeline, (nor is it of much interest at the time, post-coitally). Hopefully it goes in the bin without being exhibited particularly.

Isn't that the point though? - OP thinks he's faking orgasms sometimes to be able to stop. If he was faking amazingly well, she wouldn't be wondering. 😂

Oh one thought, are you using lube? I’ve found sometimes using lube causes men to lose their erection…