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Original poster

How do you cope with ED in a new relationship

139 replies

lomwp · 01/12/2023 20:51

I've been seeing my new partner for around 18 months. He is a really good guy, a genuinely lovely person who would do anything for me. His family are great, and it most ways I cannot fault him at all. We are both 30.

The one problem we have is that quite often he can't maintain an erection. In the very early days I put it down to nerves but it has never improved. I'm pretty certain that he fakes orgasms on a regular basis to try to hide that he's gone soft.

He is very good at other sexual things, so that's not a problem at all. But I'm starting to avoid sex with him because it feels like inevitably most times it will end awkwardly. I feel like I can't be spontaneous. It is really putting me off the sexual side of things and I feel dreadful that our sex life is already deteriorating so soon in the relationship.

He obviously finds it very embarrassing, that's why he's faking it. It's like this elephant in the room that neither of us are talking about.

What am I meant to do?

OP posts:
Stridingthroughtheglade · 02/12/2023 07:44

bucksfizzforbrekie · 01/12/2023 23:24

@Panaa It can be really emasculating and embarrassing for men to talk about this sort of stuff. Probably more so than women.

I absolutely don't think anyone should settle in a relationship where they aren't fulfilled but it seems awfully depressing to just suggest she 'gets rid' when he's otherwise lovely over sex. It can be improved. And even if it's never quite what she fully wants, are we really writing off a good guy over it?

Ive had partners who were good in bed but absolute shits in every other way. sometimes you dont get the full package but you have to think about what you prioritise.

I totally agree with not rejecting men over this single issue if everything else in the relationship is good, as long as the guy is willing to address the issue and talk about it openly in a mature way and seek some treatment. It’s only fair to do that surely because it demonstrates how much he cares about op’s experience in the relationship? It’s pretty selfish and immature to pretend it’s not happening however embarrassed you are!

Loiteringwithoutintent · 02/12/2023 07:46

TheSnootiestFox · 02/12/2023 07:21

@Loiteringwithoutintent, I know that I married such a young man, because I didn't want to be a heartless bitch and leave an otherwise good relationship and a decent bloke. I also know that it never got any better despite medication and most of my marriage was a sexless nightmare until I finally found the balls to walk away, but by that point I was middle aged and it was too late to really start again. I know that I regret that every day. That's what I know...🙄

So sorry you suffered that.
I am only suggesting that if most cases can be treated, OP could give him the chance to try. If he won't, she's done more than enough.

StopStartStop · 02/12/2023 07:50

Oh dear.
Leave him.
You don't want to be fighting the limp dick and whatever reason is behind it, for the rest of your life. Drugs, alcohol, porn, prefers men/animals whatever. Put yourself first and leave.

No ones self esteem is tied up with how often they have sex is it?
In a relationship, it can be. If he never approaches her, if he can't get it up/keep it up/finish, it suggests she isn't attractive. It will wear her down over the years, even if she loves him.

MoaningMolly · 02/12/2023 08:00

Communicate! Talk to him!

ThirdOne · 02/12/2023 08:08

TheSnootiestFox · 02/12/2023 07:21

@Loiteringwithoutintent, I know that I married such a young man, because I didn't want to be a heartless bitch and leave an otherwise good relationship and a decent bloke. I also know that it never got any better despite medication and most of my marriage was a sexless nightmare until I finally found the balls to walk away, but by that point I was middle aged and it was too late to really start again. I know that I regret that every day. That's what I know...🙄

Same here Flowers

MayThe4th · 02/12/2023 08:13

Wow there are some real charmers on this thread.

I sincerely hope that when you e.g. hit the menopause and your sex drive changes you’re happy for him to ltb

I agree that there could come a point down the line where a relationship is unsustainable, however if the first reaction to potential ED is to LTB then tbh he is the one who’s had a lucky escape.

Catandsquirrel · 02/12/2023 08:13

I get why some are saying bail but have the awkward conversation. Ask what he plans to do.

hashbrownsandwich · 02/12/2023 08:21

You simply talk to him about it and tell him it's a deal breaker if he doesn't seek help.

ALightOverThere · 02/12/2023 08:24

My husband has had intermittent ED throughout our 25 year marriage. I don’t regret marrying him for a moment- we have a great relationship and are extremely happy- and although the ED is frustrating it hasn’t harmed our relationship because we talk about it and work around it, so it’s just a thing rather than the Great Unspoken Thing.

WHether your relationship can accommodate this really depends on both your attitudes. You need to be able to talk about it, but getting there can take time- it’s not an easy thing to talk about. Yes, there might be things he can do to improve the situation but that’s not guaranteed.

You really need to talk to him. Also you’re allowed to end it if that seems the right decision for you, but I take issue with the harsh tone of some of the posts on here advising you to do that.

harerunner · 02/12/2023 10:38

MayThe4th · 02/12/2023 08:13

Wow there are some real charmers on this thread.

I sincerely hope that when you e.g. hit the menopause and your sex drive changes you’re happy for him to ltb

I agree that there could come a point down the line where a relationship is unsustainable, however if the first reaction to potential ED is to LTB then tbh he is the one who’s had a lucky escape.

I've noticed there are quite a few posts on threads that basically say you should
dump your man should there be any sexual issues - no discussion, no communication, just end it unceremoniously.

If the man doesn't, on demand (because men are always horny aren't they) get hard, stay hard and then finish within a set time window (not too quickly, not too long), then that's it... If the roles were reversed, the men would get short shrift on here!
I feel sorry for men with such women.

Dotcheck · 02/12/2023 10:50

But @harerunner it IS an issue. They are only 30, and this guy is pretending everything is ok- completely ignoring it and OP’s needs. How is that ok?

LaurieStrode · 02/12/2023 10:57

sillnotseal · 01/12/2023 21:01

you leave. You aren’t bob the builder.

i’m sure someone will @ me with ‘WHAT IF THIS WAS A MAN POSTING THIS ABOUT A WOMAN’ - and my response would be the same.

if you have a normal sex drive and you want a normal sex life with a partner- you really can’t compromise on these feelings. You’re already starting to feel the ick.

if he cared he’d up the doctors- he’s not. He just wants to ignore it and for you to deal with a lacklustre sex life.

Yeah, this.

Can you go the next 40 years like this?

harerunner · 02/12/2023 11:56

Dotcheck · 02/12/2023 10:50

But @harerunner it IS an issue. They are only 30, and this guy is pretending everything is ok- completely ignoring it and OP’s needs. How is that ok?

I agree, it is a huge issue. My point wasn't that the OP should put up with this - a good sex life is very important.

My point was the attitude that people should just leave an otherwise good relationship if there are sexual issues without any communication or any attempt to resolve matters.

In the OP's case, it's the lack of open communication and an unwillingness to tackle the underlying causes of the issue that's likely to be the real problem. If she and her DP had communicated openly and lovingly about this when this arose, which seems to be in the very early days of the relationship, and her DP had taken action to resolve this, with the OP's support, then this very likely wouldn't now be an issue and they'd be having a fulfilling sex life.

Unless there happen to be severe underlying health issues, or he's gay, I'm very confident that if he and the OP were able to communicate in a supportive way about this, and he took action to improve his diet, fitness, and stopped using porn (if he has been) and restricted his masturbation (if he's been excessive), and stopped using condoms (if that's a factor), his appetite for, and ability to have sex that satisfies his DP would improve dramatically! But there has to be a will to take action and communicate openly.

MrsMenmen · 02/12/2023 11:59

Lol this is ridiculous advice! Don't do that. I've been with my partner over ten years and in the beginning we had the same issue and over time it sorted it self out and no issues now at all.

MrsMenmen · 02/12/2023 12:01

I agree, ridiculous advice!

JMSA · 02/12/2023 16:39

ALightOverThere · 02/12/2023 08:24

My husband has had intermittent ED throughout our 25 year marriage. I don’t regret marrying him for a moment- we have a great relationship and are extremely happy- and although the ED is frustrating it hasn’t harmed our relationship because we talk about it and work around it, so it’s just a thing rather than the Great Unspoken Thing.

WHether your relationship can accommodate this really depends on both your attitudes. You need to be able to talk about it, but getting there can take time- it’s not an easy thing to talk about. Yes, there might be things he can do to improve the situation but that’s not guaranteed.

You really need to talk to him. Also you’re allowed to end it if that seems the right decision for you, but I take issue with the harsh tone of some of the posts on here advising you to do that.

Accepting this as part of an established marriage - where you have plenty of shared history and perhaps children - is entirely different.

RantyAnty · 02/12/2023 20:19

harerunner · 02/12/2023 11:56

I agree, it is a huge issue. My point wasn't that the OP should put up with this - a good sex life is very important.

My point was the attitude that people should just leave an otherwise good relationship if there are sexual issues without any communication or any attempt to resolve matters.

In the OP's case, it's the lack of open communication and an unwillingness to tackle the underlying causes of the issue that's likely to be the real problem. If she and her DP had communicated openly and lovingly about this when this arose, which seems to be in the very early days of the relationship, and her DP had taken action to resolve this, with the OP's support, then this very likely wouldn't now be an issue and they'd be having a fulfilling sex life.

Unless there happen to be severe underlying health issues, or he's gay, I'm very confident that if he and the OP were able to communicate in a supportive way about this, and he took action to improve his diet, fitness, and stopped using porn (if he has been) and restricted his masturbation (if he's been excessive), and stopped using condoms (if that's a factor), his appetite for, and ability to have sex that satisfies his DP would improve dramatically! But there has to be a will to take action and communicate openly.

Show quote history

The thing is he already knew this was an issue before getting involved with her.

It has always been his issue to fix and he refuses.

You're trying to lay this on her by saying she needed to communicate with him like if she just said something, it would just magically be fixed.

Panaa · 02/12/2023 21:16

MayThe4th · 02/12/2023 08:13

Wow there are some real charmers on this thread.

I sincerely hope that when you e.g. hit the menopause and your sex drive changes you’re happy for him to ltb

I agree that there could come a point down the line where a relationship is unsustainable, however if the first reaction to potential ED is to LTB then tbh he is the one who’s had a lucky escape.

This isn't something that just 'hit him' though like menopause.

And it's not the 'first reaction' either.

Her first reaction was to put it down to nerves and I assume just to hope it improved as they got more comfortable.
It's now 18 months down the line and affecting her more as now she has started to avoid sex because it ends so awkwardly.

I wouldn't say it's him who has the lucky escape at all because he'll be carrying this issue through to the next one as well until he decides to try to tackle it.

TurquoiseHexagonSun · 02/12/2023 21:24

Aquamarine1029 · 01/12/2023 20:54

Walk away. Right now. No matter how much you care about someone, sometimes it just can't work out. This problem is going to become insurmountable and you will have wasted years of your life and probably your fertility on him. The relationship is already breaking down, you are not happy, and his ED is only going to get worse.

Wish him well and end it.

Why are you assuming OP wants children?

TomatoSandwiches · 02/12/2023 21:30

As @Aquamarine1029 said, he isn't a project for you to fix.
He knew he had this problem before starting a relationship with you and was probably hoping you'd not bring it up.
It speaks volumes about what he thinks you deserve.
If he wasn't willing to talk openly from the start about it then he doesn't respect you enough to deserve a relationship.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/12/2023 21:31

TurquoiseHexagonSun · 02/12/2023 21:24

Why are you assuming OP wants children?

Show quote history

I didn't assume anything. She may or may not. Not the point here, but thanks anyway.

Snugglemonkey · 02/12/2023 21:46

Aquamarine1029 · 01/12/2023 20:54

Walk away. Right now. No matter how much you care about someone, sometimes it just can't work out. This problem is going to become insurmountable and you will have wasted years of your life and probably your fertility on him. The relationship is already breaking down, you are not happy, and his ED is only going to get worse.

Wish him well and end it.

Bollocks. There us no reason why it has to get worse. I am a sex and relationship therapist. Ed is very manageable. If OP is otherwise happy, this is nothing a course of psychosexual therapy cannot fix.

Snugglemonkey · 02/12/2023 21:47

alwaysbreaks · 01/12/2023 20:56

You talk to him! Suggest viagra? Does he have other health conditions? Any chance he’s gay?

Viagra is not a good idea unless the reason for Ed is purely physical. It is a much better idea to see a gp to rule out physical causes and seek out a sex therapist.

Snugglemonkey · 02/12/2023 21:50

Panaa · 01/12/2023 22:53

He should have been open and honest with her about it.
It's not up to women to tease these things out of men and to teach them how to use their words and not ignore the elephant in the room.

Women generally will be honest if they have something like vaginismus which results in the sex 'failing'. They wouldn't just not mention it.

Show quote history

This just is not true. Many women do not bring up this kind of issue. In fact many struggle with pain on penetration until their body ceases to allow penetration. Anyone can struggle to disclose thibgscwhich cause embarrassment and fear.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/12/2023 21:57

I am a sex and relationship therapist.

Great.

Ed is very manageable.

Only when the man who has it makes the choice to manage it. Op's boyfriend ignores it.

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