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Original poster

How do you cope with ED in a new relationship

139 replies

lomwp · 01/12/2023 20:51

I've been seeing my new partner for around 18 months. He is a really good guy, a genuinely lovely person who would do anything for me. His family are great, and it most ways I cannot fault him at all. We are both 30.

The one problem we have is that quite often he can't maintain an erection. In the very early days I put it down to nerves but it has never improved. I'm pretty certain that he fakes orgasms on a regular basis to try to hide that he's gone soft.

He is very good at other sexual things, so that's not a problem at all. But I'm starting to avoid sex with him because it feels like inevitably most times it will end awkwardly. I feel like I can't be spontaneous. It is really putting me off the sexual side of things and I feel dreadful that our sex life is already deteriorating so soon in the relationship.

He obviously finds it very embarrassing, that's why he's faking it. It's like this elephant in the room that neither of us are talking about.

What am I meant to do?

OP posts:
Queucumber · 01/12/2023 22:17

Treatable means nothing when he’s not bothered to seek treatment.

Loiteringwithoutintent · 01/12/2023 22:17

And relevant otherwise.

OhHowTheDogsStackUp · 01/12/2023 22:18

Aquamarine1029 · 01/12/2023 22:05

Wrong. I'm realistic. Her boyfriend is taking no responsibility or initiative whatsoever to address this problem. If he were invested in this relationship he would.

Show quote history

I agree. He should have already been to the GP to seek solutions, not taken up lying to cover up a floppy cock.

I'd be really tempted to leave. Firstly, because he's done nowt about it. Secondly, because it's horrible to have your sex life ruined.

I've been there with the getting so nervous about another episode that I just avoid having sex completely. I could shudder to think of it. And that guy went to the GP and got an effective solution of long term medication to increase blood flow and Viagra on prescription.

I couldn't have stayed with him as long as I did if those first few months of difficulty had continued unabated.

flowerchild2000 · 01/12/2023 22:19

Aquamarine1029 · 01/12/2023 20:54

Walk away. Right now. No matter how much you care about someone, sometimes it just can't work out. This problem is going to become insurmountable and you will have wasted years of your life and probably your fertility on him. The relationship is already breaking down, you are not happy, and his ED is only going to get worse.

Wish him well and end it.

You do realize they make medication for ED right?

flowerchild2000 · 01/12/2023 22:20

I would just say, hey this is great, lots of fun, have you ever thoughts about meds? It's no biggie, happens to lots of men!

I think if you have a positive, non-judge attitude he won't be embarrassed.

OhHowTheDogsStackUp · 01/12/2023 22:21

flowerchild2000 · 01/12/2023 22:19

You do realize they make medication for ED right?

Show quote history

That's no use on the shelf in the pharmacy.

GreigeO · 01/12/2023 22:21

Oh god, faking it is just an embarrassment. I’d leave

Yes we’ve all had situations where he’s been nervous or had too much to drink, but long term… nope. Not for me.

Brightonhome · 01/12/2023 22:22

He should be dealing with this himself. Why hasn't he seen a doctor? He's a grownup and it's a really important aspect of your relationship. You need to talk and find out his history. I am sorry, but at 30 I would walk away. Harsh, but you don't want to waste your best years on this. His attitude towards it is very weird and also disrespectful to you.

theduchessofspork · 01/12/2023 22:22

If you’ve been seeing him for 18 months and you haven’t managed to talk about it - that’s more of a problem than the ED

You have to be able to communicate in a relationship even if it’s awkward or embarrassing.

NeurodivergentBurnout · 01/12/2023 22:24

XH had this issue. Turned out to be a medical issue that went undetected until we TTC and couldn’t because he had a very low sperm count. It improved with treatment.
This definitely needs to be discussed outside the bedroom. He needs a medical review. Could be treatable with medication.
If he refuses, it would be a deal breaker for me. Not sure if you want kids in the future but believe me, it’ll only get worse with the pressure of TTC.

Dweetfidilove · 01/12/2023 22:24

People are calling @Aquamarine1029 harsh and mean, but this relationship is already 18 months old.

If he had any intention of getting help, he would’ve done so by now. All the possible remedies mean jack if he doesn’t engage with treatment and life is too short for bad sex.

The OP has been very patient already, because the honeymoon period is usually one of heightened sexual activities.

Elmer83 · 01/12/2023 22:27

If you are both 30 then take my advice and RUN!

CrotchetyQuaver · 01/12/2023 22:27

It's concerning that HE hasn't done anything himself to try and improve his performance, bought OTC viagra, been to his GPetc.

Crap sex is just awful as you are finding out. If he's as nice as you say then I think you need an honest conversation with him (you shouldn't have to, mind).
Otherwise I'm afraid the only answer is to walk away. Sex is the glue that holds a relationship together and already from your OP you're enduring and avoiding it rather than enjoying it. I'm afraid it won't get better on its own and I wouldn't want anyone to waste their best years with someone who won't seek hell when it's needed and pretends everything's fine when it isn't as if you're a fool.

Aquamarine1029 · 01/12/2023 22:28

flowerchild2000 · 01/12/2023 22:19

You do realize they make medication for ED right?

Show quote history

They do?! I guess I've missed the 50 million ads and articles about Viagra over the past 20+ years. 🙄

Do you realise Viagra doesn't magically show up at your door and you have to seek medical guidance? Right?

VelvetBeeSting · 01/12/2023 22:31

I put up with this for years op. Even married him! Thats how supportive I was and did all the things being suggested here. It crushed my self esteem. I found out he had a porn habit so bad he needed to take viagra just to keep it up for that so plain old me was never going to be enough. I’d say cut your losses now.

Cicciabella · 01/12/2023 22:35

Oh no crap sex and your only 30? Walk away....

Artic06 · 01/12/2023 22:38

My only advice is leave. I've been with my partner over 4years, he has tried to get help, viagra does work to a certain point but it takes away spontaneity. I'm going to be honest I don't like it, it might sound selfish but it eats away at your self esteem, please do not settle

Nightmareonpofstreet · 01/12/2023 22:46

I would walk away from this. This will chip away at your self esteem but the main reason I would walk away is the fact he isn’t trying to address this. Don’t make his problem your problem especially when he’s not interested in seeking help. It doesn’t matter how lovely a person he is, you do not want this to be an issue from the start of your relationship. Especially when you are only 30. Does he drink a lot by any chance?

HeavyOnMyHeart · 01/12/2023 22:48

There is if course the potential that medication could help. For a start he'd need to actually seek help though, and he seems not particularly interested in doing so.
But... From my personal experience... Viagra doesn't give a 'normal' sex life. There's no spontaneous sex, there's still the psychological issue of nerves etc, there's still not very often sex, there's no quickies or exciting kind of passionate fumbles, sex has to be planned in order to take the viagra in time. I really really struggled when an ex of mine had ED. Though he wasn't very keen on getting help, complained at prescription costs and begrudged spending a few pounds on being able to have any kind of sex life with me, and worst of all, would always tell me how he was constantly hard with exes/never had problems with them/never needed lots of foreplay to get going... It made me feel like shit. I know he was just deflecting, but it crushed my confidence really really quickly.
You're young, you have years of sex ahead of you... Maybe try a conversation with him, but be prepared that he might not get help, and even if he does-viagra won't give you a normal natural exciting sex life, that you could have with someone without ED.

bellalula · 01/12/2023 22:51

I'd raise it once and tell him he needs to get some help.

I wouldn't tell him he needs to get help, not as bluntly as that anyway. Definitely needs discussing, and see if he opens up about it first of all. Then suggest he see's his gp about it. If he's not prepared to even discuss it with his partner then that's the time to start reconsidering the relationship. It's quite possible that he's completely unaware that he even has an issue - if he's always been like it he may just think it's normal.

You can get the meds online these days (legitimately) so no actual need to see gp face to face. However, I would strongly recommend that he does, as they'll give him a proper health check to try and identify the cause. The newer meds like Cialis are less blunt than viagra giving more controlled and longer lasting results. i.e. you can pop a tablet that gives assistance for a full 24-48 hours with causing a permanent hard on the whole time.

It's concerning that HE hasn't done anything himself to try and improve his performance, bought OTC viagra, been to his GPetc.

We (nor the OP), knows that he hasn't been trying to sort it out for himself already, as they've never discussed it. It's quite possible that he's been to GP, had the health checks and be told to lose some weight/do more exercise, drink less, give up smoking etc before they medicate him for it.

Panaa · 01/12/2023 22:53

bucksfizzforbrekie · 01/12/2023 20:59

Wow. And we wonder why men struggle to talk about these sort of things.

Op has said he's a good guy. Loving, generous, nice family. But he has an issue with sex (possibly caused by numerous other physical health conditions) the predictable MN answer is she should immediately LTB. So sexist and disgusting, imagine if a woman was here confiding that she was struggling with sex. Would we think it's ok for her dp to just dump her like that?

Op have you actually discussed this with him? I'll guess he's very embarrassed but there are actually many ways this can be improved with communication and possibly some little blue pills. There could be a number of reasons this is happening.

Sex is important but personally I think it would be incredibly shallow to ditch an otherwise good relationship over this without even trying to come to a solution or compromise first.

Show quote history

He should have been open and honest with her about it.
It's not up to women to tease these things out of men and to teach them how to use their words and not ignore the elephant in the room.

Women generally will be honest if they have something like vaginismus which results in the sex 'failing'. They wouldn't just not mention it.

harerunner · 01/12/2023 22:54

theduchessofspork · 01/12/2023 22:22

If you’ve been seeing him for 18 months and you haven’t managed to talk about it - that’s more of a problem than the ED

You have to be able to communicate in a relationship even if it’s awkward or embarrassing.

This... You speak of a "new relationship"
like it's been a few weeks, but 18 months isn't really a new relationship... Letting things drift this long is at least as big a problem for the relationship!

Panaa · 01/12/2023 22:57

dottieautie · 01/12/2023 22:01

An erect penis isn’t the only thing that gives pleasure. If you’re close and passionate in all other ways then this is something worth talking about with him. He may be on anti depressants, he may have low testosterone or he may have some psychological reason (eg does he wear condoms? I knew a guy who couldn’t finish or went soft if he didn’t wear a condom as he was that terrified of pregnancy). What you have to realise is almost certainly it has nothing to do with you personally.

Those saying walk away are harsh, cruel and inconsiderate. After 18 months I’d hope there was more to your relationship than just sex.

If it was you having sexual problems,would you want him to talk to you to try to fix them or understand them or would wave him off merrily as he abandoned you for a more sexually acceptable partner?

Before bolting have a gentle talk with him about the issue. Recognise it as an issue but don’t give ultimatums of leaving right away. Give him some support and kindness for what is still a huge taboo for men.

If he's on anti-depressants then he should have made OP aware of that, they've been together for 18 months.

Likewise if he has a massive fear of pregnancy, that should have surely been discussed you know because of the ED and also to discuss what would happen if she did get pregnant.

He should have been open and honest from the start so she doesn't have to tease the truth out of him.

Neverpostagain · 01/12/2023 23:03

DisforDarkChocolate · 01/12/2023 21:14

I'd raise it once and tell him he needs to get some help. I know that sounds harsh but crap sex at 30 is fucking heartbreaking 10 years down the line when you are celibate and your self-esteem is non-existent.

No ones self esteem is tied up with how often they have sex is it?

harerunner · 01/12/2023 23:04

Sometimes it can be harder for a man to come the second time if you've already had sex that day. Or if he gets too hot during the action for example.

If the OP's partner just found that he had difficulty coming during a second sex session on the same day, or wasn't in the mood when it's 95 in the shade, I don't imagine she'd be posting!