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Original poster

How do you cope with ED in a new relationship

139 replies

lomwp · 01/12/2023 20:51

I've been seeing my new partner for around 18 months. He is a really good guy, a genuinely lovely person who would do anything for me. His family are great, and it most ways I cannot fault him at all. We are both 30.

The one problem we have is that quite often he can't maintain an erection. In the very early days I put it down to nerves but it has never improved. I'm pretty certain that he fakes orgasms on a regular basis to try to hide that he's gone soft.

He is very good at other sexual things, so that's not a problem at all. But I'm starting to avoid sex with him because it feels like inevitably most times it will end awkwardly. I feel like I can't be spontaneous. It is really putting me off the sexual side of things and I feel dreadful that our sex life is already deteriorating so soon in the relationship.

He obviously finds it very embarrassing, that's why he's faking it. It's like this elephant in the room that neither of us are talking about.

What am I meant to do?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 01/12/2023 20:54

Walk away. Right now. No matter how much you care about someone, sometimes it just can't work out. This problem is going to become insurmountable and you will have wasted years of your life and probably your fertility on him. The relationship is already breaking down, you are not happy, and his ED is only going to get worse.

Wish him well and end it.

alwaysbreaks · 01/12/2023 20:56

You talk to him! Suggest viagra? Does he have other health conditions? Any chance he’s gay?

bucksfizzforbrekie · 01/12/2023 20:59

Aquamarine1029 · 01/12/2023 20:54

Walk away. Right now. No matter how much you care about someone, sometimes it just can't work out. This problem is going to become insurmountable and you will have wasted years of your life and probably your fertility on him. The relationship is already breaking down, you are not happy, and his ED is only going to get worse.

Wish him well and end it.

Wow. And we wonder why men struggle to talk about these sort of things.

Op has said he's a good guy. Loving, generous, nice family. But he has an issue with sex (possibly caused by numerous other physical health conditions) the predictable MN answer is she should immediately LTB. So sexist and disgusting, imagine if a woman was here confiding that she was struggling with sex. Would we think it's ok for her dp to just dump her like that?

Op have you actually discussed this with him? I'll guess he's very embarrassed but there are actually many ways this can be improved with communication and possibly some little blue pills. There could be a number of reasons this is happening.

Sex is important but personally I think it would be incredibly shallow to ditch an otherwise good relationship over this without even trying to come to a solution or compromise first.

MargaritaThyme · 01/12/2023 21:00

To state the obvious, if you see a potential future with this guy you absolutely do need to talk about it. Ignoring it will change nothing.

Stating the obvious again, unless there are serious underlying health problems, a normal 30 year old man in a relatively new relationship certainly shouldn’t be experiencing ED. Quite the opposite, in fact, so you need to find out whether the cause is physical or psychological before it can be treated.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 01/12/2023 21:00

Rather than just walking away from a relationship which sounds really positive - firstly open your mouth and talk about it!

You can't cure it for him and you can't "force" him to talk, but you can certainly open the door for him to discuss it in a loving, supporting and non-judgmental way.

This isn't a problem that is going to go away if you continue doing the same things you have always done. if you talk about it, take the embarrassment and awkwardness out of it, there might actually be solutions. At least he'd be able to openly say "damn, I've gone soft, would it be okay to finish with oral?" (or whatever) rather than faking an orgasm that will leave both of you unsatisfied.

If he refuses to talk about it at all, then you've got a bigger problem on your hands.

sillnotseal · 01/12/2023 21:01

you leave. You aren’t bob the builder.

i’m sure someone will @ me with ‘WHAT IF THIS WAS A MAN POSTING THIS ABOUT A WOMAN’ - and my response would be the same.

if you have a normal sex drive and you want a normal sex life with a partner- you really can’t compromise on these feelings. You’re already starting to feel the ick.

if he cared he’d up the doctors- he’s not. He just wants to ignore it and for you to deal with a lacklustre sex life.

category12 · 01/12/2023 21:03

Is he a suitable candidate for medication?

He's quite young for this sort of problem to be a physical one, but even if it's psychological only, one of the forms of ED drug might build his confidence in his erections. He should get checked out if it might be a medical issue.

Seaoftroubles · 01/12/2023 21:06

First thing to do is discover the reason for this, so a trip to his GP is needed to rule out any health issues.You really need to communicate about this, ignoring it is not going to help either of you.

Aquamarine1029 · 01/12/2023 21:07

Stating the obvious again, unless there are serious underlying health problems, a normal 30 year old man in a relatively new relationship certainly shouldn’t be experiencing ED. Quite the opposite, in fact, so you need to find out whether the cause is physical or psychological before it can be treated.

The op doesn't need to do anything. If he boyfriend cared about her sexual enjoyment he would have already taken huge steps in solving this problem, and he would be able to talk to her about it. Instead, he ignores it and dismisses the op's needs.

Op, run for your life. You want a partner, not a project.

Allthewallsarewhite · 01/12/2023 21:08

Is it happening all the time or only in specific circumstances?
Sometimes it can be harder for a man to come the second time if you've already had sex that day. Or if he gets too hot during the action for example.
Then some of my friends have found that men with bigger penises sometimes struggle more to keep it up long, presumably because it takes more bloodflow for a larger member.
If none of these apply and it's extremely frequent then it might be medical so he should definitely get checked.
But the most important thing as with everything is communication.

MargaritaThyme · 01/12/2023 21:11

@Aquamarine1029

Good point. I was I using ‘you’ to refer to them as a couple, but I should have written ‘he needs’.

Reddog1 · 01/12/2023 21:12

Don’t ignore it OP. What happens if you get really serious and decide you want a baby? It’s better solved now.

And if he refuses to discuss it and see the GP, you need to think seriously about the future.

DisforDarkChocolate · 01/12/2023 21:14

I'd raise it once and tell him he needs to get some help. I know that sounds harsh but crap sex at 30 is fucking heartbreaking 10 years down the line when you are celibate and your self-esteem is non-existent.

category12 · 01/12/2023 21:23

DisforDarkChocolate · 01/12/2023 21:14

I'd raise it once and tell him he needs to get some help. I know that sounds harsh but crap sex at 30 is fucking heartbreaking 10 years down the line when you are celibate and your self-esteem is non-existent.

I do agree with this.

Often in relationships the frequency of sex drops with familiarity and the domestic grind - you could easily end up in a sexless relationship at this rate.

Have the really awkward, potentially upsetting conversation with him. How he responds will set the course for your relationship - if he is willing to seek help, then maybe you've got something, but if he just shuts down, it doesn't bode well for the relationship in the long-term.

NotMyFinestMoment · 01/12/2023 21:26

Walk away, life is too short for bad sex. He is unlikely to improve and you will grow more frustrated and resentful.

gooddayruby · 01/12/2023 21:56

Aquamarine1029 · 01/12/2023 20:54

Walk away. Right now. No matter how much you care about someone, sometimes it just can't work out. This problem is going to become insurmountable and you will have wasted years of your life and probably your fertility on him. The relationship is already breaking down, you are not happy, and his ED is only going to get worse.

Wish him well and end it.

How awful of you

JMSA · 01/12/2023 21:59

I wouldn't be able to do this. The issue may not seem so big at the moment, as his loveliness in other ways is making up for it. But it will chip away at your self-esteem over time Flowers

dottieautie · 01/12/2023 22:01

An erect penis isn’t the only thing that gives pleasure. If you’re close and passionate in all other ways then this is something worth talking about with him. He may be on anti depressants, he may have low testosterone or he may have some psychological reason (eg does he wear condoms? I knew a guy who couldn’t finish or went soft if he didn’t wear a condom as he was that terrified of pregnancy). What you have to realise is almost certainly it has nothing to do with you personally.

Those saying walk away are harsh, cruel and inconsiderate. After 18 months I’d hope there was more to your relationship than just sex.

If it was you having sexual problems,would you want him to talk to you to try to fix them or understand them or would wave him off merrily as he abandoned you for a more sexually acceptable partner?

Before bolting have a gentle talk with him about the issue. Recognise it as an issue but don’t give ultimatums of leaving right away. Give him some support and kindness for what is still a huge taboo for men.

Opentooffers · 01/12/2023 22:03

Talk about it outside of the bedroom best option, and if you can't bring yourself to, then you've got your own hangups also.

Aquamarine1029 · 01/12/2023 22:05

gooddayruby · 01/12/2023 21:56

How awful of you

Show quote history

Wrong. I'm realistic. Her boyfriend is taking no responsibility or initiative whatsoever to address this problem. If he were invested in this relationship he would.

Cherryana · 01/12/2023 22:09

It is possible that he is suffering from this as a consequence of pornography use?

It is one of the negative side effects of pornography and if affects more men these days because of the proliferation of it.

Arealnumber · 01/12/2023 22:10

All these women saying "how could you be so mean?!"- have you actually been in this situation yourself? Reversing the roles is pretty meaningless due to biology importance. Nobody is saying they've been here and turned the situation around. That's because it very rarely can be. It doesn't matter whether it's physical or psychological - usually there's nothing a doctor can do to help, so stop propagating gaslighting myths between women. It serves men only.

Queucumber · 01/12/2023 22:12

Sex wise, this is as good as it’s going to get with him. He’s had 18 months to seek medical help or at least to talk to you about his problem and he hasn’t bothered. Is this want you want at 30? Are you ready to give up having a fulfilling sex life?

Loiteringwithoutintent · 01/12/2023 22:14

Despite the confidence of some posters that ED is permanent, Yale Medical School says almost all cases are treatable. But what do they know?

Aquamarine1029 · 01/12/2023 22:16

Loiteringwithoutintent · 01/12/2023 22:14

Despite the confidence of some posters that ED is permanent, Yale Medical School says almost all cases are treatable. But what do they know?

Fabulous news which is irrelevant if the op's boyfriend refuses to address the issue.