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Relationships

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Original poster

How do you cope with ED in a new relationship

139 replies

lomwp · 01/12/2023 20:51

I've been seeing my new partner for around 18 months. He is a really good guy, a genuinely lovely person who would do anything for me. His family are great, and it most ways I cannot fault him at all. We are both 30.

The one problem we have is that quite often he can't maintain an erection. In the very early days I put it down to nerves but it has never improved. I'm pretty certain that he fakes orgasms on a regular basis to try to hide that he's gone soft.

He is very good at other sexual things, so that's not a problem at all. But I'm starting to avoid sex with him because it feels like inevitably most times it will end awkwardly. I feel like I can't be spontaneous. It is really putting me off the sexual side of things and I feel dreadful that our sex life is already deteriorating so soon in the relationship.

He obviously finds it very embarrassing, that's why he's faking it. It's like this elephant in the room that neither of us are talking about.

What am I meant to do?

OP posts:

harerunner · 01/12/2023 23:06

I knew a guy who couldn’t finish or went soft if he didn’t wear a condom

Interesting...I've only heard that be an issue the other way round!

Ablondiebutagoody · 01/12/2023 23:08

How are you only "pretty certain" that he fakes orgasms? Surely he ejaculates or not so it would be obvious? Do you use condoms? If so, could you try some other kind of birth control? Maybe a bit more sensation would prevent the floppy cock.

harerunner · 01/12/2023 23:11

He obviously finds it very embarrassing, that's why he's faking it. It's like this elephant in the room that neither of us are talking about. What am I meant to do?

So you say that "neither of you are talking about it", and the follow up immediately with "what am I meant to do?"

Hmmm, what about "talking about it"?

Headband · 01/12/2023 23:12

A good solid relationship means that you should be able to discuss things like this, the lack of communication is a problem . You both know it's happening so it won't be a surprise to him if you mention it, embarrassing yes but if see a future with him then you can't keep quiet. His reaction will let you know if it's worth staying together.

StoleABibleAndShaggedThePriest · 01/12/2023 23:18

Has he been to the GP? Will he go?

You need to decide if it’s a dealbreaker for you. It would be different if you’d been with him for longer and it then started being an issue. For me, I wouldn’t bother sticking around in a new relationship especially if he hadn’t sought help and couldn’t talk about it.

Panaa · 01/12/2023 23:20

Neverpostagain · 01/12/2023 23:03

No ones self esteem is tied up with how often they have sex is it?

Show quote history

That's a disingenuous question because people regularly discuss how the lack of a sex life can significantly affect their self esteem.

You could argue that people can build their self esteem in other ways (and yes they can) but that doesn't necessarily buffer them from all of the negative aspects of it.

bucksfizzforbrekie · 01/12/2023 23:24

@Panaa It can be really emasculating and embarrassing for men to talk about this sort of stuff. Probably more so than women.

I absolutely don't think anyone should settle in a relationship where they aren't fulfilled but it seems awfully depressing to just suggest she 'gets rid' when he's otherwise lovely over sex. It can be improved. And even if it's never quite what she fully wants, are we really writing off a good guy over it?

Ive had partners who were good in bed but absolute shits in every other way. sometimes you dont get the full package but you have to think about what you prioritise.

harerunner · 01/12/2023 23:26

Ablondiebutagoody · 01/12/2023 23:08

I'm guessing they must be using condoms for the OP to say that.

OP - Using a different form of contraception that didn't involve condoms could help - they dull the sensation (which is some men use them to manage premature ejaculation) and can be uncomfortably tight if he's girthy and you're using normal size ones. When I had this issue with someone years ago (dealt with much earlier in a relationship!). It worked straight away.... but first and foremost you need to talk.

StoleABibleAndShaggedThePriest · 01/12/2023 23:34

You apparently don’t think anyone should settle but then try to make anyone that doesn’t want to settle, feel guilty. 🙄 It’s not depressing at all, its being realistic about what matters to you and if this is a dealbreaker, that fine. It’s early days, she owes him nothing. This isn’t a long term relationship where this has happened after years of it not being an issue. And it sounds like he can’t even talk about it, who could be bothered?

unsync · 02/12/2023 00:14

What does he say when you talk about it? Has he been to the GP? 30 is very young for ED issues, so either cardiovascular issues or a porn issue would be my guess. You should be able to discuss it though, you are both adults.

Dotcheck · 02/12/2023 00:14

I agree with posters who say that it erodes self esteem.
I've been through this and tried to be nice/ supportive/ do other things.
He had a porn habit.
He crushed me. It’s death by a thousand cuts. He starts making excuses for why he doesn’t want to. Sometimes he tells you what you can do to help him along, but that doesn’t always work. Sex becomes prescriptive. Then it just becomes normal to never have sex. Then he stops kissing and cuddling you, and gradually you feel worthless.

I would never subject myself to that again.

RantyAnty · 02/12/2023 00:23

Hell do anything for you except get help for his serious issue.

Ohnoooooooo · 02/12/2023 00:29

Check testosterone levels - does he have diabetes in his family?

CallieQ · 02/12/2023 00:49

Aquamarine1029 · 01/12/2023 20:54

Walk away. Right now. No matter how much you care about someone, sometimes it just can't work out. This problem is going to become insurmountable and you will have wasted years of your life and probably your fertility on him. The relationship is already breaking down, you are not happy, and his ED is only going to get worse.

Wish him well and end it.

Don't listen to this for a start...

Just talk to him about it and try to work out a solution together, he could try viagra?

fulawitt · 02/12/2023 02:20

Some people start their sex life at 30. This looks like a bad joke. You are only going to have less sex as you grow old. Talk to the guy or move on like yesterday. Have a sit down and talk, being as gentle as possible. He has to take himself to the GP. He has to start exercising, stop red meat for a while, go vegetarian etc. Stop porn etc. ED is a signal for heart condition. It's one of the first signs. He is in bad shape physically and or emotionally you cannot do life like that. even if it was a friend confiding in you you would have to talk to him. The guy is in your bed, if you see a future with him this has to be fixed. ASAP.

EtiennePalmiere · 02/12/2023 04:11

How has gone on so long ?? It should have been addressed in less than 18 days. I'm honestly shocked, have you really never brought it up ? I agree don't do it in the heat of the moment, but it really has to be done.

autumn1610 · 02/12/2023 04:16

I casually someone who looses it and it doesn’t really bother me now I know it is common for him. At first I was thinking it was that he wasn’t enjoying it etc. we sort of joke about it (not in a nasty way, but have a lighthearted comment) he also uses a a cock ring when it goes/starts to go and it really helps. We also take a pause in the activity and switch things so he will do stuff to me while it comes back etc. so the whole thing isn’t just written off.

talk to him though, is it something that bothers him, is it something that triggers it. Can he get it back after or do you just sort of both give up? To me it’s not a deal breaker if you can be open with each other and talk it through

isthismylifenow · 02/12/2023 05:03

I think the bigger issue here is that you cannot have a conversation about it.

pinkfondu · 02/12/2023 05:24

You have to speak to him, he needs to go to the doctors.

His response and action following this conversation will give you the information you need to make your own decision.

C1N1C · 02/12/2023 07:11

You're both at fault. Neither of you are talking about it. He's living in the 'ignorance is bliss' frame of mind because he's hoping he can wing it, and OP is talking to MN rather than actually telling him how much it matters, and how it IS ruining her day.

Until you talk about it, rather than it just being the 'elephant in the room', you're both as guilty as each other.

Koalatreats · 02/12/2023 07:18

Is it due to a medical condition? Alcohol /drug use? Or is it due to porn use and death grip?

At 30 with no underlying health issues/alcohol issues I would guess it’s the Death Grip.

The fact you cannot discuss it makes me think it’s time to end it.

TheSnootiestFox · 02/12/2023 07:21

@Loiteringwithoutintent, I know that I married such a young man, because I didn't want to be a heartless bitch and leave an otherwise good relationship and a decent bloke. I also know that it never got any better despite medication and most of my marriage was a sexless nightmare until I finally found the balls to walk away, but by that point I was middle aged and it was too late to really start again. I know that I regret that every day. That's what I know...🙄

PosterBoy · 02/12/2023 07:26

Top tip for everyone: Instead of viagra, buy cialis. Everyone here is talking about how viagra ruins spontaneity - but cialis works for 36 hours. Surely you can fit in sex within a day and a half window without it feeling too 'programmed'. There's even a daily version if he wanted total flex.

UpUpUpU · 02/12/2023 07:34

I have dated two guys with ED. The first was older at 41. He wasn’t embarrassed by it, we talked about it and he got some medication. The relationship didn’t last for other reasons but he was the best sex I’d ever had.

The other guy was younger at 29 and he didn’t care! Couldn’t get hard at all, wasn’t interested in talking about sex, he just liked to give me oral. That ended pretty sharpish.

Sex is important in a relationship so you need to mention it, even if it’s difficult.

BCBird · 02/12/2023 07:40

I agree that you should talk to each other about this out of the bedroom. If he does not want to investigate the issue and solve it then you are not on the same page and this is an unsurmountable problem.

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