Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband left me due to depression

135 replies

Cleigh996 · 01/12/2023 13:59

10 weeks ago I married my soul mate, 3 years together, 2 children and I’m pregnant. (My first son isn’t biologically my husbands). We had a beautiful wedding, beautiful honeymoon and had the best time. Fast forward to 2 weeks after we get back from our honeymoon (6 weeks ago). My husband texts me in the morning that he loves me, 2 hours later I get a message saying he can’t do this anymore, he is struggling and needs time to focus on himself and needs to be alone. He hasn’t returned since. He’s a lorry driver and has been staying at work. He comes home every now and then to see the kids, a few times a week and the weekends most weeks. We still speak every day, he tells me how badly he is struggling, some days he doesn’t want to be alive etc. when we first split he said he loves me, but a couple of weeks later he said he doesn’t know if he has fallen out of love with me and doesn’t know if he sees a future with me. He sends me messages and videos that explain how sorry he is, how he regrets leaving the way he did, sorry for hurting me etc. sent me a song that explained he feels paralysed, he feels completely numb. He’s told me he can’t feel any emotion towards anything at all, he’s numb and a shell of who he used to be. He was seeing the children but this week he hasn’t been able to face being around anyone. All he wants to do is be at work alone and is working every day that he possibly can and staying in the lorry as he says that’s where he feels safe as he can be alone and not around other people. He is on medication which he’s been on for 6 weeks but he only seems to have got worse. He is still talking to me every day, just about general stuff and the children. Every now and then it’s like he feels something because he says how he is sorry and regrets everything but within 20 minutes he’s back to blocking everything out and saying he’s fine. He is due to go back to the doctor next week for a medication check. Our relationship has always been beautiful, so in love and happy with eachother so this is so out of the blue that I can’t help but think it’s mental health related and he’s saying he feels nothing for me because he can’t feel any emotion at all at the moment as he’s numb to everything. Does anyone have any advice for me? I’m still here sticking around to support him even though I’m heart broken myself. I’m trying to be strong for him so I can help him to recovery.

OP posts:
redastherose · 01/12/2023 14:05

This sounds incredibly hard on you, but depression or not he is being incredibly selfish. He can't just opt out of life if you have children together.

He needs to get back to the doctors and get a medication review and tell them honestly what he has been doing (hiding in his lorry and opting out of life).

Do you have any support, is there anyone in his or your family who can help you out because you need support more than he does at present.

Pinkbonbon · 01/12/2023 15:04

Just because you say 'it's so out of the blue' I'd be inclined to wonder if it's bullshit and infact, he is seeing another woman.
I'd check to see if he really is staying at work. Where is he showering for a start?

I mean depression can come on sudden but ...no sign in the 3 years before marriage? How convenient.

Honestly he sounds like a self involved arsehole. All this coming and going and upping and downing. Set some boundaries. He doesn't get to dictate everything.

YouJustDoYou · 01/12/2023 15:07

"Honestly he sounds like a self involved arsehole. All this coming and going and upping and downing. Set some boundaries. He doesn't get to dictate everything"

I would agree with this. You need to think of the kids, and how his tooing and froing is mentally affecting THEM - he gets to just swan off and do what he wants, but is leaving you and them to just pick up the pieces. Set boundaries. He doesn't get to be the showmaster with all this

Amara123 · 01/12/2023 15:14

He's suicidal. Is he in touch with his GP/mental health services. I would contact his GP and let him know what you are seeing. He won't be able to discuss your husband's details but it will be useful for him to know when assessing him

DelphiniumBlue · 01/12/2023 15:21

How are these calls working for you? Why is he constantly offloading on you when he feels nothing for you?
I think you need some boundaries here. He might be depressed, he might be seeing someone else, but he's being unkind to you. Who's looking after the DC? Who's paying for everything?
You need to know where you stand so that you can make plans for the future. You are pregnant, how are you going to manage when the baby comes? If you can't rely on him, you need back up plans in place.
You must be so upset, this coming out of the blue so soon after your wedding and while you are pregnant. But you've had no choice but to step up. This is very hard on you.
What do you want to do?

Dery · 01/12/2023 15:43

"Honestly he sounds like a self involved arsehole. All this coming and going and upping and downing. Set some boundaries. He doesn't get to dictate everything"

Completely this. Plus you’ve crammed a lot into 3 years including 1 child between you and a second on the way. When you talk about him being your soulmate and your beautiful wedding and honeymoon, it makes me wonder whether he’s all about the romantic claptrap and actually not equipped for real life. Either way, he has responsibilities to you and especially your DCs and needs to step up and stop being so self-indulgent.

cestlavielife · 01/12/2023 15:49

You need to focus on you and dc
He is getting support so ..
You get support for you
Priority is you and dc
dc cannot look after themselves alone but he can he is adult

Universalsnail · 01/12/2023 16:56

I would stop talking to him every day.

He ditched you and has opted out of life, is stringing you along and is still using you for all your emotional labour without any care for how this impacts you and his children.

Original poster
Cleigh996 · 01/12/2023 16:59

He still comes to my house to shower, and we have a tracker still on our phones so I know he’s at work

OP posts:
MyLadyTheKingsMother · 01/12/2023 17:00

I cannot believe the posters calling this man selfish and self involved.

He is having a breakdown op. It took my husband several tries on different medication before he got on one that helped him. Some of them made him hear voices and some make anxiety and depression worse in the short term.

Can you persuade him to come home or speak to a family member he could stay with if he is frightened of what he might do around you or the children?

Original poster
Cleigh996 · 01/12/2023 17:08

I’m absolutely disgusted by some of the posts to be honest. He is going through something terrible, he doesn’t even know himself right now and people are calling him names. I have tried to get him to stay else where he feels safest at work

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 01/12/2023 17:35

Forgive us for being sceptical op but breakdowns don't tend to just 'happen'.
There's either an extreme trigger or he's been building up to this for years...(and it's somehow gone completely unnoticed).

Unless maybe he knew the wedding wasn't the right thing and kept trying to squeeze it down...and now he's gone through with it he's eaten up with regret. But still...it wouldn't quite explain the extreme behaviour.

It is however, textbook of cheating.
You might not want to hear that but men sleeping with someone then freaking out acting 'depressed' and like they 'don't know what they want' and distancing themselves from you but still yoyo-ing back and forth...it's all very common.

Bit let's say we can rule that out. Hopefully. Considering your updates. It still wasn't remis of us to point out.

If he is genuinely depressed it's good he's seeking help. Give the meds some time to work. They can take months.

Iateallthechocolate · 01/12/2023 17:42

please let your midwife know so that they can support you more.
Depression is awful for the person and the family. Glad he's going to get his medication looked at, has he been offered any therapy?
Hope you both get the tools you need to get through his ill health.
So sad for you that what should be a happy time has been turned upside down.

Hecate01 · 01/12/2023 17:47

I'm sorry OP but this is the card I played when I was having an affair so I can understand some people being sceptical.

It's the typical "it's not you it's me" line. I would absolutely love to be wrong but I also understand exactly why people think there could be another reason behind it.

Seaoftroubles · 01/12/2023 17:48

So sorry OP, this sounds awful. It does sound as though he is having a breakdown, l'd be worried to think he is driving all day when he is experiencing that kind of mental turmoil. Did you live together before you married and has he ever showed signs of depression before? You need to urge him to go back to his Dr to discuss his state of mind and his meds. Also agree with pp about you speaking to his Dr to express your concerns and describe his behaviour and his mental state.

Dery · 01/12/2023 17:50

@Cleigh996 - you may be disgusted but those of us who are sceptical and angry with him are posting from a position of concern about you and the situation he has put you and your children in.

Dery · 01/12/2023 17:51

That said, I am sorry for upsetting you further.

jolaylasofia · 01/12/2023 18:00

Cleigh996 · 01/12/2023 17:08

I’m absolutely disgusted by some of the posts to be honest. He is going through something terrible, he doesn’t even know himself right now and people are calling him names. I have tried to get him to stay else where he feels safest at work

Me too! breakdowns can just happen out of nowhere- typically after big life events or feeling more pressure etc. This man needs help and so do you, call adult social services and ask to be put in touch with mental health team especially if he is having suicidal thoughts. You need some support in this.

SkyFullofStars1975 · 01/12/2023 18:04

His depression doesn't give him the right to use you as his emotional punchbag.

Universalsnail · 01/12/2023 18:04

He may indeed be having a breakdown yes. He is also choosing to stay away from his children, he is choosing to rely on you for emotional support whilst also telling you he doesn't think he loves you. He can choose to come home, engage with treatment. He needs to call him and call the crisis team and stop making quick rash decisions because he is in crisis.

This doesn't mean to come across as harsh, but many of us have had serious mental breakdowns and not abandoned our families in this way.

wited · 01/12/2023 18:13

Just because his phone is in his truck doesn't mean he is.

Hopefully he is but I've seen some things on here over the years and it makes me question things.

PurpleBugz · 01/12/2023 18:14

Is he seeking help from dr?

My ex was depressed but never sorted help for himself. He didn't leave but completely checked out of family life left me managing everything when I was unwell myself. It was triggered by me getting pregnant with a planned baby I think because as soon as that happened he gave up on us. I stuck it out tried to support him tried to alter myself to make him happy. Begged him to get help and he never did. I sometimes wonder if he genuinely was depressed or if it was an excuse to be lazy he used as soon as I was 'trapped'. We'll eventually I was suicidal myself it was very very difficult caring for a disabled child while unwell and pregnant myself. Doing everything for everyone with absolutely no support.

I left him much later than I'd wanted to because I felt terrible terrible guilt leaving him when so vulnerable but I had to keep myself fit to parent.

I do t want to dismiss depression it's very serious. BUT is he seeking help? And actually it's selfish to leave you to parent alone- it's not like you are bubbling over with joy right now but you have no choice but to get on with it because he's stepped back. If he's getting help fair enough, vent on here we will give you that space as you need to vent somewhere but if he's not seeking support I echo others calling him selfish.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 01/12/2023 19:15

im sorry

im treating a son with MH problems who won’t engage with help, it’s tough

this page is really not the optimal place to get advice as it’s full of people who have been cheated on and were fed this line . As such the % of he’s cheating will be higher than usual given the audience here

if you know the situation is as you say , hearing ‘he is cheating’ is going to make you feel even worse - and not helpful

I agree with

get help for you , this is major and don’t minimise it
tell people and let your people know
have you told family and friends ?

encourage him to get medical help , have a medication review - not all meds suit everyone

there’s not point in telling him he’s being selfish - but you can also hold back
tell him you are also suffering and you can’t always hold space for him

lots of self care , you are carrying and you need to look after you - so you can care for kids
be selfish SELFISH

Remind him and you and that millions of people can sliP into depression
he’s not unique in feeling this horrific
its so common

and they can address it with medicating , therapy , exercise , nutrition and lifestyle changes

but doing nothing achieves nothing when it comes to MH sadly

stepintochristmas1 · 01/12/2023 19:29

This thread makes me so sad that mental illness is still such a stigma and people failing to understand the situation .

Aquamarine1029 · 01/12/2023 19:33

Ask him if you can meet his girlfriend.

I wouldn't believe a thing he's saying.