My husband left me due to depression

[Cleigh996]

10 weeks ago I married my soul mate, 3 years together, 2 children and I’m pregnant. (My first son isn’t biologically my husbands). We had a beautiful wedding, beautiful honeymoon and had the best time. Fast forward to 2 weeks after we get back from our honeymoon (6 weeks ago). My husband texts me in the morning that he loves me, 2 hours later I get a message saying he can’t do this anymore, he is struggling and needs time to focus on himself and needs to be alone. He hasn’t returned since. He’s a lorry driver and has been staying at work. He comes home every now and then to see the kids, a few times a week and the weekends most weeks. We still speak every day, he tells me how badly he is struggling, some days he doesn’t want to be alive etc. when we first split he said he loves me, but a couple of weeks later he said he doesn’t know if he has fallen out of love with me and doesn’t know if he sees a future with me. He sends me messages and videos that explain how sorry he is, how he regrets leaving the way he did, sorry for hurting me etc. sent me a song that explained he feels paralysed, he feels completely numb. He’s told me he can’t feel any emotion towards anything at all, he’s numb and a shell of who he used to be. He was seeing the children but this week he hasn’t been able to face being around anyone. All he wants to do is be at work alone and is working every day that he possibly can and staying in the lorry as he says that’s where he feels safe as he can be alone and not around other people. He is on medication which he’s been on for 6 weeks but he only seems to have got worse. He is still talking to me every day, just about general stuff and the children. Every now and then it’s like he feels something because he says how he is sorry and regrets everything but within 20 minutes he’s back to blocking everything out and saying he’s fine. He is due to go back to the doctor next week for a medication check. Our relationship has always been beautiful, so in love and happy with eachother so this is so out of the blue that I can’t help but think it’s mental health related and he’s saying he feels nothing for me because he can’t feel any emotion at all at the moment as he’s numb to everything. Does anyone have any advice for me? I’m still here sticking around to support him even though I’m heart broken myself. I’m trying to be strong for him so I can help him to recovery.

he messaged saying that’s not what he wants me to do because he’s not sure yet what he wants

Wow, what big main character energy from him! As if you don't get a say in all this! Personally it sounds like you're doing the right thing OP and being amazingly strong. You choose your destiny now. He doesn't get to pick you or her - you're no longer an option, why would you want to constantly feel on edge and like you're competing forever? Just let him get on with it and focus on getting support for you and the children especially your birth and newborn phase.

This aged well.

Think about practical things now.

Whose house is it? Can you afford it alone or will you need to sell or move out?

I'd be inclined to stop letting him shower at home while he's getting his jollies elsewhere.

Who will be with you at the birth and who will be looking after your existing children?

Wave goodbye as he walks away! You are going to run the risk of your own health failing if you keep stressing over this man. No wonder he’s depressed if he thinks he has to choose between you and the other woman. Make the choice easy for him!

Leave him alone to make his decision. No more texts, calls or videos. He can't have your support and attention whilst he's making his decision, it's not fair on you. Give him a time and place he can see the dc, no more waltzing in and out. Then give him a deadline to make a decision.

Use this time to gather your thoughts, what do YOU want, what's best for you and the dc. Discuss things with a solicitor and gather paperwork etc. He's treated you appallingly, so even if he decides he wants to be with you, he needs to make changes and make it up to you and the dc. What changes will YOU need - you're not powerless in this

I'm of the opinion however that if someone cheats on you, they can't have loved you that much.

I was cheated on, he decided he wanted to be with me, we tried for a further 3 years but I simply couldn't get past the deceit and betrayal and we eventually split.

It sounds like his double life is causing his depression. To be honest, I guess there was a woman as soon as I read the first post because it was clear he wasn't going to be living in his lorry in December.

I would make it easy for him, and tell him that the choice is yours to make not his. I would not be waiting for a man who was having an affair to make up his mind and I would tell him it was over.

I really feel for you that you are kindhearted and believed what he was saying. 💐

"I would make it easy for him, and tell him that the choice is yours to make not his. I would not be waiting for a man who was having an affair to make up his mind and I would tell him it was over."

Absolutely this. The line about meeting her after he left is bullshit. Not only has he cheated on you, he's had you frantic with worry about his state of mind. Now he's trying to decide which one of you he wants to be with. Vile, selfish piece of shit. Make the decision for him.

Op, you and your beautiful kids are worth more than this.

His double life might be making him depressed and feel suicidal. Or like a lot of people who know something is going to give and it’s going to come out, he may be just using depression and suicide to keep you on side with him to he makes his mind up.

I don’t believe this woman appeared after he left, between work, coming to yours to shower and feeling so low he wanted to kill himself he met a new woman and has such strong feelings for he can’t decide if he wants her or his wife and family?

Even if he didn’t know her before you split, all this time you have been worried and trying to help him and putting up with him abandoning you and his kids, he was investing his time in getting to know someone else. He saw what he was putting you through, and carried on starting a relationship with another woman,

Is that much better than him leaving because he was already seeing her? I don’t think so.

you and your kids deserve more than this.

Predictably previous posters were right. He's just another cheating piece of scum. I wouldn't believe a word that he says. Does he honestly expect you to believe that his dirty bit on the side "only came on the scene after he left ". Don't do the pick me dance. Time to focus on what you need now. I would be seeing a solicitor as soon as possible for some advice. Keep your dignity and don't take him back.

I walked away from him and he messaged saying that’s not what he wants me to do because he’s not sure yet what he wants and he needs to sort himself out before he makes a decision.
Your first response was spot on, pick yourself, walk away. Can you ever imagine doing something this unbelievably cruel to a loved one? The fact he'd do this to you says it all. And he's still lying, saying he met her after. He's not even respecting you enough to tell you the truth. He's willing to lie and cheat to get what he wants. He was willing to let you think he was suicidal and let you worry about him, while he was cheating on. Now he wants to leave you both hanging while he decides. That's not a man who has your back and not one you can rely on. I'm so sorry it's turned out he's this type of person, but the best thing you can do now is walk away, chose yourself over him. Sooner or later he'll destroy you if you go back.

Don't be his back up plan. He's treated you appallingly putting you through all of this so he can shag around. And using NHS resources as well, shame on him.

You'll get through it. Stay strong, and cut contact until you feel strong enough to deal with him again.

Well, those of us who were deeply skeptical of this man and were roundly criticised by other posters, were on the damn money.

He is such a cliche. That he utilised mental health conditions to manipulate you into facilitating his adultery is obscene. He needs to fuck off, and stay there. His treatment of you and the timing of it is appalling.

I don’t believe this woman appeared after he left, between work, coming to yours to shower and feeling so low he wanted to kill himself he met a new woman and has such strong feelings for he can’t decide if he wants her or his wife and family?

Of course he’s full of shit. I can’t believe he cannot see how ludicrous his lies are. And demanding you don’t walk away until he’s made his decision? Who the actual fuck does he think he is?!

I’ve been where you are. I’m so sorry you’re there too. My ex kept me fooled for much longer before I discovered the secret double life covered up with tales of mental anguish, depression and manipulative actions.
it’s obviously up to you but I wish I had discovered what was happening whilst I was still pregnant as trying to support him through his ‘illness’ ruined the end of my pregnancy and what should have been the enjoyment of the first year or two of my child’s life. I wish I’d known and could have walked away to take care of us and not listen to any more lies.
Be kind to yourself and be a little selfish - what do you need?
You can’t trust his word right now - he is probably only revealing what he has to. So do what is right for you and your babies to make your home as calm and stable as you can.
I hope you’re ok. Reach out for support from those around you - they’ll keep you going.

Dont let him decide if he wants u or her ur not anyone's decision ur worth more

There are reasons why previous posters knew what was really going on here. Because it’s a classic tale which many have experienced. I wonder if the rude people telling those posters to F off and calling them idiots will now apologise?

OP, I’m so sorry this has happened to you. He’s played a real number on you. It’s time to focus on yourself and what you need. Reduce the contact you’ve been having with him massively and put that emotional energy back into yourself and your children. Does his family know what he’s been up to? Personally I’d be updating them if not.

Tell his work that he needs to be have his keys taken away otherwise you are phoning the Health and Safety executive. 40 odd tonnes of lorry can do a hell of a load of damage to others.

Knew from the first post this would be the outcome. My ex DH also had a similar breakdown, it’s extremely common behaviour when men are having an affair. I just knew the posters getting angry at people suggesting this have obviously never gone through it before so don’t realise how common this is.

OP, take care of yourself. Do not do the pick me dance and get support from friends or family.

Hi op x

I've seen almost the same scenario play out over and over again with friends/family who's marriages or relationships have broken down. And it always seems to follow the same story. Man developed some sort of depression. Checks out of relationship. Rewrites history. Leaves. Another woman miraculously appears but they swear they never cheated.

And it's all absolute bollocks. They did cheat. Then they couldn't handle the guilt of fucking up their families future. They couldn't possibly take any kind of blame. So they use their mental health as an excuse. Some even went as far as feigning overdoses. Bloody pathetic.

You need to focus on yourself and your precious children. Cut him right off for a bit and let yourself get your head around all this. His needs don't trump yours.

My husband had a breakdown two years ago and attempted suicide. It did come out of nowhere actually, it’s good that he is even talking to you because mine did not until after the event.
He needs to take time off work, go back to the doctor and get medication reviewed and find a therapist. (I know in the uk waiting lists are long so if you can afford private that would be best).
Depression makes you selfish, it tells you things and makes you think things that aren’t true - I hate it when people ask ‘well what’s caused this?’ As if you can solve the cause and the depression will immediately lift, when most of the time the ‘cause’ is a huge amalgamation of things that accumulated for months, possibly even years and have come crashing down at once.
He needs help but you also need help because it affects the whole family- it’s unfair for him to use you as his emotional dumping ground- you both need people you pay to offload to. And he needs to have some time off work- I can’t imagine driving a lorry alone for long periods of time is good for his mental health if it is already on edge.

Good Luck Op 🌺

Sorry this has happened to you OP 😔 Walking away is the best thing you will ever do.

Oh OP, I am so sorry! When I read your first post, I have to admit I thought 'his head has been turned' but obviously you don't want to read that when your husband has just left and you think he may be suicidal.

Having been in a similar situation (a lot of years ago now), the advice I was given by a friend who was a pastor, really stuck with me. He said 'don't make any decisions right now' and 'find firm boundaries'.

When our lives have been blown up by another person it's tempting to just rip up every photo, burn clothes, contact the OW or do something to let the world know about our pain but I found it really helpful to say to myself, 'I could do that later if I want to but not today, not when I'm raging, devastated. Today I'm going to do what's best for me and the kids'.

Secondly, boundaries will save your life. If he's ringing or contacting you with all this hand-wringing saying he doesn't know what he wants, tell him to stop contacting you about this. If he wants space, let him have space, but don't allow him to bounce between you and the OW, pulling you into all his emotional drama. He either wants to be with you or he doesn't. Refusing to engage with all this nonsense will save your heart and mind. If he is seeing the children, do a handover in a professional way, no lingering looks or coffees, just let him see the children for an agreed amount of time and then let him be on his way.

Often (sad to say!) when a partner does this sudden escape act, once the drama has died down, they come back begging for another chance. Only you can decide if trust has been broken forever or if you would be willing to repair the thing he has broken.

Right now all you can do is focus on you and your little family. Do you have wider family support? Can you stay with someone over Christmas and have someone support you through this? Being able to be honest with trusted friends will help you see the wood from the trees.

There was a horrible inevitability about your update, @Cleigh996, and I'm so sorry others' suspicions on here turned out to be true.

Using his mental health to hide an affair is unforgivable. He may well be depressed about what to do, but putting you and your DC through hell to cover his tracks is really, really shitty behaviour and if you find yourself wavering about taking him back, remember that.

Do not do the pick-me-dance while he's deciding what to do. Tell him to sod off, stay strong and focus on you and your DC having a good Christmas despite everything.

Didn't it just.

RTFT. Her DH has been having an affair.