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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband left me due to depression

135 replies

Cleigh996 · 01/12/2023 13:59

10 weeks ago I married my soul mate, 3 years together, 2 children and I’m pregnant. (My first son isn’t biologically my husbands). We had a beautiful wedding, beautiful honeymoon and had the best time. Fast forward to 2 weeks after we get back from our honeymoon (6 weeks ago). My husband texts me in the morning that he loves me, 2 hours later I get a message saying he can’t do this anymore, he is struggling and needs time to focus on himself and needs to be alone. He hasn’t returned since. He’s a lorry driver and has been staying at work. He comes home every now and then to see the kids, a few times a week and the weekends most weeks. We still speak every day, he tells me how badly he is struggling, some days he doesn’t want to be alive etc. when we first split he said he loves me, but a couple of weeks later he said he doesn’t know if he has fallen out of love with me and doesn’t know if he sees a future with me. He sends me messages and videos that explain how sorry he is, how he regrets leaving the way he did, sorry for hurting me etc. sent me a song that explained he feels paralysed, he feels completely numb. He’s told me he can’t feel any emotion towards anything at all, he’s numb and a shell of who he used to be. He was seeing the children but this week he hasn’t been able to face being around anyone. All he wants to do is be at work alone and is working every day that he possibly can and staying in the lorry as he says that’s where he feels safe as he can be alone and not around other people. He is on medication which he’s been on for 6 weeks but he only seems to have got worse. He is still talking to me every day, just about general stuff and the children. Every now and then it’s like he feels something because he says how he is sorry and regrets everything but within 20 minutes he’s back to blocking everything out and saying he’s fine. He is due to go back to the doctor next week for a medication check. Our relationship has always been beautiful, so in love and happy with eachother so this is so out of the blue that I can’t help but think it’s mental health related and he’s saying he feels nothing for me because he can’t feel any emotion at all at the moment as he’s numb to everything. Does anyone have any advice for me? I’m still here sticking around to support him even though I’m heart broken myself. I’m trying to be strong for him so I can help him to recovery.

OP posts:
Kat200669 · 01/12/2023 19:37

If he's in that an emotional state should he even be driving? Does his work have an EAP scheme he can seek some counselling from? You need to consider your support network too

iamwhatiam23 · 01/12/2023 20:09

Im sorry but he is definitely cheating! He is depressed because he is full of guilt and doesn't know what to do! This is absolutely classic cheating behaviour!

Direstraightsagain · 01/12/2023 20:14

Antidepressants take up to 4 weeks to work even if he’s on the right dose: seem if you bc a get him back to the doctors.

I think it’s worth understanding why it’s so sudden and any triggers?

FrancisSeaton · 02/12/2023 13:59

iamwhatiam23 · 01/12/2023 20:09

Im sorry but he is definitely cheating! He is depressed because he is full of guilt and doesn't know what to do! This is absolutely classic cheating behaviour!

Oh F off

Thisisworsethananticpated · 02/12/2023 14:46

FrancisSeaton

thank you
my thoughts exactly

Original poster
Cleigh996 · 03/12/2023 08:24

Hi everyone I thought I would update you all. He became extremely suicidal on Friday and I had to contact the emergency team about having him sectioned. They haven’t sectioned him but have sent him to a psychiatrist, put a community mental health advisor in place and told him he needs to change his medication as soon as he can. Those saying he is with someone else maybe you are right but unfortunately I don’t believe that he is, I believe he is in a really bad place and can’t see a way forward right now. I am still being here for him but I’m not messing around anymore. He either gets the help he needs or he doesn’t see his children until he’s sorted himself out. He’s a danger to himself and a danger to others right now so I won’t allow my children to be alone with him. He’s promised to get the help he needs and has said he will look into housing as living in his lorry isn’t feasible.

OP posts:
Elvanseshortage · 03/12/2023 08:32

Forgive us for being sceptical op but breakdowns don't tend to just 'happen'.
There's either an extreme trigger or he's been building up to this for years...(and it's somehow gone completely unnoticed)

@Pinkbonbon why do you say this? It’s not true

Deathbyfluffy · 03/12/2023 08:37

iamwhatiam23 · 01/12/2023 20:09

Im sorry but he is definitely cheating! He is depressed because he is full of guilt and doesn't know what to do! This is absolutely classic cheating behaviour!

Well now you look like the idiot you truly are - read the OP’s latest update.
I sincerely hope you use this to work on your empathy skills, because it turns out he was suicidal and not cheating.

Have a word with yourself.

Elvanseshortage · 03/12/2023 08:54

OP, I am so sorry to hear this. I hope he gets the right treatment and that you have people in RL to support you.

I am quite appalled by some of the posts on here. Depression in RL is very often not somebody crying, saying they are sad and being docile. Very very often depression manifests in exactly the way OP describes. If your partner behaves like this you can put strong boundaries in place, you don’t have to go along with it but at the same time feel compassion for the person suffering mentally.

The most compassionate people have the strongest boundaries.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 03/12/2023 10:05

Cleigh996

thanks for the update

I can’t imagine how fraught you must feel right now

look after yourself and your little ones
have you got any support in RL?

im hoping he gets some care to alleviate how dark he feels right now , and then he can take some steps

im sorry for the less helpful comments here
supremely unhelpful and not needed

FrancisSeaton · 03/12/2023 10:08

Elvanseshortage · 03/12/2023 08:54

OP, I am so sorry to hear this. I hope he gets the right treatment and that you have people in RL to support you.

I am quite appalled by some of the posts on here. Depression in RL is very often not somebody crying, saying they are sad and being docile. Very very often depression manifests in exactly the way OP describes. If your partner behaves like this you can put strong boundaries in place, you don’t have to go along with it but at the same time feel compassion for the person suffering mentally.

The most compassionate people have the strongest boundaries.

It's peak MN. If it's a woman having a break down it's kid gloves and tea and sympathy. If it's a man he needs to grow a pair and it's only happening because he's cheating

stepintochristmas1 · 03/12/2023 13:16

Oh op I hope you both get the help you need 💐 . And to unsympathetic posters take your misunderstanding selves to another thread .

MatildaTheCat · 03/12/2023 13:36

@Cleigh996 Im so sorry you are all going through this and also for some of the replies you have had here. Please tell me your DH isn’t working? Does he own the lorry? He is absolutely not well enough to be driving any vehicle at the moment let alone a heavy goods one.

Do get support for yourself as well. Your MW, GP or the charity Mind are all starting points and Samaritans will listen and support you 24/7. Call 116123.

Original poster
Cleigh996 · 03/12/2023 15:07

He has completely hyperfocused on work so yes he’s driving the lorry and doing as many hours as he’s legally allowed at the moment. I have rang his work twice now to explain what’s happening with him but they’re not interested as long as their work gets done

OP posts:
Spencer0220 · 03/12/2023 15:23

OP, I've read this thread. Firstly, utterly disgusted by those above me who are adamant he's cheating. I'm so sorry you had to read all that.

I really. Really hope that your husband is getting the professional help and support he needs. It sounds like he is having an extreme adverse reaction to his medication, which isn't unheard of, but his level of reaction is.

Things can suddenly hit out of the blue. A huge life changing event can magnify something smaller that's been bubbling undetected for years. I know this is true because I went through this with my DH. Although it wasn't our wedding that triggered him.

Please make sure you and the DC are looked after through all this. If you can, talk to the school. They can be really good place for resources. They might also be able to signpost you.

The midwife is another excellent suggestion.

Good luck OP and please keep us updated. We will help if we can

Pinkbonbon · 03/12/2023 15:29

Elvanseshortage · 03/12/2023 08:32

Forgive us for being sceptical op but breakdowns don't tend to just 'happen'.
There's either an extreme trigger or he's been building up to this for years...(and it's somehow gone completely unnoticed)

@Pinkbonbon why do you say this? It’s not true

No one just wakes up suicidal totally out of the blue. There's a trigger or it's been building up unnoticed.

Extreme stress over a long period of time that's finally reached a head. A traumatic event has triggered it. Or they have a history of bouts of depression. Or theres been an accident causing head trauma.

Perhaps a hormonal shift could trigger it for women but even then there would have been signs of that depressiveness before a total break.

Perhaps he's been hiding his state of mind for a while though.

Waking up one morning and leaving your family and go live in your lorry... that doesn't just 'happen'. It's probably been on his mind for a long time. Perhaps he thought the wedding would solve things...and it didn't of course. And with another baby on the way he feels more trapped.

Maybe there's no big secret or secret woman. But for some reason he's drove himself to the point of suicidal before letting anything on to his partner. Which makes me think we aren't getting the full picture from him yet.

But as is, the focus has to be on his recovery. And for op to take care of her own wellbeing too. All that can be done is to push ahead and hopefully time will heal all. And tell all.

SkyFullofStars1975 · 03/12/2023 21:00

I'm hoping this crisis means that he'll get help - and he engages with it. You must be beyond exhausted and stressed.

Can you report the company he works for if he's going over his hours?

FrancisSeaton · 03/12/2023 21:36

You really need to wind your neck in @Pinkbonbon
You're literally embarrassing now

hobbitonthehill · 03/12/2023 22:01

Boom ! Literally most of these replys !! The suicide rate in England is highest in men , not women ! Men and why ??? Because of this bullshit ! Women need to start taking some care , mothers of little boys who will grow into men !! I bet half these women replying here have sons , you should all be ashamed mental health affects everyone and its about time men's mental health was taken seriously!

SwishSwashSwooshSwersh · 03/12/2023 22:21

fathers post natal depression, it’s a thing.

he needs a medication review

Captainfairylights · 03/12/2023 22:33

It's a strange sort of breakdown when he is still working. I'd have thought he has a legal obligation not to be driving in this state -- he's a danger!

Whatever his mental state, you are not his mum. He has to take responsibility for himself. Heartening to hear you are clear that he should stay away from you and the children until he gains control of himself.

Some men react really badly to children arriving. Attention being taken away from them is unbearable. Jealousy of children is a real thing. There's a reason women are extremely vulnerable to domestic violence when pregnant. At least he's not directing his violent feelings at you -- but he is emotionally abusing you and I doubt your relationship can really recover from this unless he understands that this is completely his responsibility and gets on and deals with it.

OzziePopPop · 03/12/2023 22:50

He needs to see his gp and notify the dvla, he absolutely should not be driving, they’ll medically suspend his licence. It’s essential he doesn’t drive if he’s feeling this bad OP.

FloydPepper · 03/12/2023 23:01

OP I hope both you and he get the support they need

this is one of those threads that shine a light on the bad side of this site. I hope you can ignore those immediately assuming (because he’s a man) he must be cheating. Or those saying (as he’s a man) his mental health issues aren’t genuine. This site is fucking awful sometimes and some posters should take a look at themselves and what they post.

all the best OP

Snowdogsmitten · 04/12/2023 06:42

Pinkbonbon · 01/12/2023 15:04

Just because you say 'it's so out of the blue' I'd be inclined to wonder if it's bullshit and infact, he is seeing another woman.
I'd check to see if he really is staying at work. Where is he showering for a start?

I mean depression can come on sudden but ...no sign in the 3 years before marriage? How convenient.

Honestly he sounds like a self involved arsehole. All this coming and going and upping and downing. Set some boundaries. He doesn't get to dictate everything.

Edited

Ok page hadn’t updated and I didn’t see the update. Comment edited.

PurpleBugz · 06/12/2023 00:22

hobbitonthehill · 03/12/2023 22:01

Boom ! Literally most of these replys !! The suicide rate in England is highest in men , not women ! Men and why ??? Because of this bullshit ! Women need to start taking some care , mothers of little boys who will grow into men !! I bet half these women replying here have sons , you should all be ashamed mental health affects everyone and its about time men's mental health was taken seriously!

Anecdotally im not sure the stats actually reflect the reality. I had some fairly intensive group therapy in my 20s. I know of a few victims of suicide. And I know the women's who were suicidal had kids so felt that it wasn't an option for them. The men didn't fill caring roles/left a partner to care for the kids. The only woman I personally know of who committed suicide did it after she kicked her addict kid out trying to tough love him into getting help- he ODed and she couldn't live with her guilt.

I feel I can say it having lived experience myself. Suicide and depression to that level is selfish. I've had phases I feel as bad as I did back when they locked me up to keep me safe but now I have children it's just not an option