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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband left me due to depression

135 replies

Cleigh996 · 01/12/2023 13:59

10 weeks ago I married my soul mate, 3 years together, 2 children and I’m pregnant. (My first son isn’t biologically my husbands). We had a beautiful wedding, beautiful honeymoon and had the best time. Fast forward to 2 weeks after we get back from our honeymoon (6 weeks ago). My husband texts me in the morning that he loves me, 2 hours later I get a message saying he can’t do this anymore, he is struggling and needs time to focus on himself and needs to be alone. He hasn’t returned since. He’s a lorry driver and has been staying at work. He comes home every now and then to see the kids, a few times a week and the weekends most weeks. We still speak every day, he tells me how badly he is struggling, some days he doesn’t want to be alive etc. when we first split he said he loves me, but a couple of weeks later he said he doesn’t know if he has fallen out of love with me and doesn’t know if he sees a future with me. He sends me messages and videos that explain how sorry he is, how he regrets leaving the way he did, sorry for hurting me etc. sent me a song that explained he feels paralysed, he feels completely numb. He’s told me he can’t feel any emotion towards anything at all, he’s numb and a shell of who he used to be. He was seeing the children but this week he hasn’t been able to face being around anyone. All he wants to do is be at work alone and is working every day that he possibly can and staying in the lorry as he says that’s where he feels safe as he can be alone and not around other people. He is on medication which he’s been on for 6 weeks but he only seems to have got worse. He is still talking to me every day, just about general stuff and the children. Every now and then it’s like he feels something because he says how he is sorry and regrets everything but within 20 minutes he’s back to blocking everything out and saying he’s fine. He is due to go back to the doctor next week for a medication check. Our relationship has always been beautiful, so in love and happy with eachother so this is so out of the blue that I can’t help but think it’s mental health related and he’s saying he feels nothing for me because he can’t feel any emotion at all at the moment as he’s numb to everything. Does anyone have any advice for me? I’m still here sticking around to support him even though I’m heart broken myself. I’m trying to be strong for him so I can help him to recovery.

OP posts:
Unknowndepths · 06/12/2023 03:13

redastherose · 01/12/2023 14:05

This sounds incredibly hard on you, but depression or not he is being incredibly selfish. He can't just opt out of life if you have children together.

He needs to get back to the doctors and get a medication review and tell them honestly what he has been doing (hiding in his lorry and opting out of life).

Do you have any support, is there anyone in his or your family who can help you out because you need support more than he does at present.

Unbelievable! "Do YOU have any support" OMFG! Because she needs support but not her partner who is displaying deeply disturbing behaviourial traits is being selfish! He is going through a breakdown. Just be there, he is messaging. Don't take this likely, yes, you do need support, but he needs help.

lovinglaughingliving · 06/12/2023 03:20

@Cleigh996 I really hope you are okay. I hope you are leaning on people in real life.
Sending my best wishes to your husband, he is very lucky to have you. 🥰

CharlotteRose90 · 06/12/2023 03:23

Depression can and does sneak up on you. How dare people say he’s being selfish. Do you have any idea what depression is like. Shame on you all. As for the oh he’s cheating messages that’s all this page does when a man isn’t playing ball accuse them of cheating. Op I hope you and the kids are getting the help that you need as well as him. If you are struggling I suggest you tell him you can’t listen to all his problems he needs to find someone else . It isn’t fair on you whilst you’re pregnant. I wish you all the best as it’s a long slope. I hid my depression for enough 8 months before I hit rock bottom.

H112 · 06/12/2023 03:34

He isn't well and unfortunately the wedding put it all into perspective. Thinking of you OP.

StellaGibson2022 · 06/12/2023 03:43

Why is he still allowed to work? Surely if suicidal then he could be signed off work?

ESPECIALLY as he is driving a lorry. His employer seems very irresponsible.

Lets hope the seriousness of his illness and his reluctance for help impact other people, whilst he is driving a LORRY.

Hope you are okay OP.

flowerchild2000 · 06/12/2023 04:02

I hope you're doing okay. There's a lot of rude comments on this thread, I couldn't read and run without saying something kind. I think it's a very positive thing he tried medication. He obviously waited too long to ask for help, but at least he did. Most men don't! One of the common side effects of depression meds is suicidal ideation, it sounds like that's what happened. I hope he continues to talk about his feelings and checking in with his doctor. Even when a person asks for help it can still be an uphill climb to feel better. I also hope you are getting the support you need. This must have been the shock of your life. Please take care 💐❤️‍🩹

Thisisworsethananticpated · 06/12/2023 08:15

Unknowndepths

actually OP really does need support

she’s navigating his mental health and pregnant and has two kids

we can’t have her crumble too , it’s the old life mask analogy

however I totally agree this thread was appalling in terms of the comments and utter ignorance

Original poster
Cleigh996 · 12/12/2023 05:39

Hi everyone sorry it’s been a while- just wanted to update you again.
I have found out that there is another woman, ex husband is saying she only came on the scene after he left. He is saying he’s not 100% sure what he wants, he doesn’t know if he wants me or her. I walked away from him and he messaged saying that’s not what he wants me to do because he’s not sure yet what he wants and he needs to sort himself out before he makes a decision. I don’t know what to do, part of me wants to forgive him because I do love him and we have a beautiful family, children and a baby on the way, and part of me thinks just walk away and let her have him. Any genuine advice would be great right now. Thank you

OP posts:
terraced · 12/12/2023 05:45

I'm sorry. Horrible situation for you. He's not sure who he wants and that would be enough for me to walk away. I'd want him to want me and be totally committed to us before I'd even consider trying. It sounds like he had all of the control atm and is leaving you hanging on while he takes time to decide. I'd take the power back and tell him it's over.

Gardenfish · 12/12/2023 05:57

I'm really sorry, Op. It sounds like the relationship is done, maybe not now, maybe in a couple of weeks, in a couple of months, maybe in a couple of years.

I think how he’s behaving will eat away at you.

I think asking you to wait whilst he decides, is fundamentally wrong.

solice84 · 12/12/2023 05:59

Oh op she absolutely 100.% did not come on the scene after he left, please don't fall for this for a second he has done the classic 'script' word for word and has been having an affair
Im so sorry

AmIThatMam · 12/12/2023 06:04

Thats got to be a hard no. You are pregnant, vulnerable. He’s manipulated and used you.
He’s emotionally abused you.
think about it. How the f has he started an affair in the last few weeks while living in his lorry?
I can believe he was depressed but it’s situational. He’s created a situation and the feeling have overcome him.
he doesn’t get to choose. You choose for him, in time you will move on but for now you’ve got enough to contend with.

Nothankyou22 · 12/12/2023 06:04

Would he reach out to crisis or similar, sounds like he’s in a really dark place and needs immediate help.

AmIThatMam · 12/12/2023 06:05

@Nothankyou22 i don’t think you read the update

Nothankyou22 · 12/12/2023 06:07

I should’ve read the update first, so was all that guilt to make you feel sorry for him?
literally me thinking he’s suicidal.

Nothankyou22 · 12/12/2023 06:07

Nope not until after 🤦‍♀️

LovedMyLastNameItHadToGo · 12/12/2023 06:09

what a manipulative cruel man.

RedheadRedBed · 12/12/2023 06:17

Cleigh996 · 03/12/2023 08:24

Hi everyone I thought I would update you all. He became extremely suicidal on Friday and I had to contact the emergency team about having him sectioned. They haven’t sectioned him but have sent him to a psychiatrist, put a community mental health advisor in place and told him he needs to change his medication as soon as he can. Those saying he is with someone else maybe you are right but unfortunately I don’t believe that he is, I believe he is in a really bad place and can’t see a way forward right now. I am still being here for him but I’m not messing around anymore. He either gets the help he needs or he doesn’t see his children until he’s sorted himself out. He’s a danger to himself and a danger to others right now so I won’t allow my children to be alone with him. He’s promised to get the help he needs and has said he will look into housing as living in his lorry isn’t feasible.

He's living in his lorry in these freezing temperatures ? How is he washing , eating and laundering his clothes ?

SwishSwashSwooshSwersh · 12/12/2023 06:22

Im assuming his emotional turmoil has at the core been linked to the affair. You’ve walked away and that sounds very sensible. You’re extremely vulnerable being pregnant and need steady support and commitment.

user1492757084 · 12/12/2023 06:25

Get him to re visit his doctors until the treatments start making a positive difference to how he feels.

NCgoingdry · 12/12/2023 06:28

Sorry OP.

I read the whole thread.

Sounds like the affair he's been having has triggered this kind of breakdown. His guilt and the lies have caught up with him.

He can't leave you hanging. And I promise you, he will live to regret this monumental shit show.

But you're pregnant and you need to put yourself first now.

Draw the line - you can't recover from this. He has treated you and your children appallingly.

Gather up all the support that you can. Concentrate on getting through this pregnancy and rally around your best people to help you.

I am so sorry you've been left tying yourself in knots over this. You deserve so much better.

FaiIureToLunch · 12/12/2023 06:30

OP please use the mental health forum for support re your husband, you won’t get it on this one sadly.

RedheadRedBed · 12/12/2023 06:34

Is there anyway you can afford a private detective to find out where he has really been living while supposedly living out of a lorry ? In a previous post I voiced how he was managing to cook , wash and launder his clothes, in these freezing temperatures. Does he have nights out as part of his job ? Maybe this is why his workplace was so uncooperative, maybe they knew more than they were letting on .

Mydustymonstera · 12/12/2023 06:34

Hi op I read the whole thread too. I’m so sorry for how you’ve been treated. The poster who said the relationship is over is absolutely right. Do you have someone you can trust to support you right now? Mum, friend, sister? You should let your midwife know too
good luck

Beefcurtains79 · 12/12/2023 06:43

FrancisSeaton · 02/12/2023 13:59

Oh F off

Show quote history

She was right.
What an arsehole, cheating on you whilst pregnant. I’m so sorryOP he’s a shit partner and a shit dad. Tell him to fuck off.