My husband left me due to depression

[Cleigh996]

10 weeks ago I married my soul mate, 3 years together, 2 children and I’m pregnant. (My first son isn’t biologically my husbands). We had a beautiful wedding, beautiful honeymoon and had the best time. Fast forward to 2 weeks after we get back from our honeymoon (6 weeks ago). My husband texts me in the morning that he loves me, 2 hours later I get a message saying he can’t do this anymore, he is struggling and needs time to focus on himself and needs to be alone. He hasn’t returned since. He’s a lorry driver and has been staying at work. He comes home every now and then to see the kids, a few times a week and the weekends most weeks. We still speak every day, he tells me how badly he is struggling, some days he doesn’t want to be alive etc. when we first split he said he loves me, but a couple of weeks later he said he doesn’t know if he has fallen out of love with me and doesn’t know if he sees a future with me. He sends me messages and videos that explain how sorry he is, how he regrets leaving the way he did, sorry for hurting me etc. sent me a song that explained he feels paralysed, he feels completely numb. He’s told me he can’t feel any emotion towards anything at all, he’s numb and a shell of who he used to be. He was seeing the children but this week he hasn’t been able to face being around anyone. All he wants to do is be at work alone and is working every day that he possibly can and staying in the lorry as he says that’s where he feels safe as he can be alone and not around other people. He is on medication which he’s been on for 6 weeks but he only seems to have got worse. He is still talking to me every day, just about general stuff and the children. Every now and then it’s like he feels something because he says how he is sorry and regrets everything but within 20 minutes he’s back to blocking everything out and saying he’s fine. He is due to go back to the doctor next week for a medication check. Our relationship has always been beautiful, so in love and happy with eachother so this is so out of the blue that I can’t help but think it’s mental health related and he’s saying he feels nothing for me because he can’t feel any emotion at all at the moment as he’s numb to everything. Does anyone have any advice for me? I’m still here sticking around to support him even though I’m heart broken myself. I’m trying to be strong for him so I can help him to recovery.

oops should have read the whole thread… I’m so sorry you’re going through this. As other have said, walk away- living with a partner who is faithful who has depression is hard enough, never mind with one who’s a cheater.

you will get through this and better things will come

Oh OP, sorry this is happening to you, sadly there’s always OW. I too am another who’s partner of 10 years had a ‘breakdown’ only to find he was already living with his OW. Concealed her for over a year whilst feeding me the most elaborate web of lies. The script really does exist.

As hard as it is, take the advice you’ve been given from so many here. Walk out of his life and remove the choice for him. You’re no one’s back up plan and you’d never get over it. Better to do the tough bit now so your happy new life makes its way to you sooner.

Best of luck OP 💐

Absolutely spot on @Pinkbonbon

I would even go as far as to suggest affair only started in the months preceeding the wedding as he is still in the infatuated stage.

@Cleigh996 What a pathetic selfish man to go through the wedding, get you pregnant and put you and your children through months of hell, deflecting from his cheating by playing the mental health card. Asuaging his guilt of cheating by stringing you along with texts yet coming home for a shower and to get laundry done.

You need to find your anger, take back control of the situation by blowing him out. Totally no contact. Please get an immediate STI test through midwife. A man as selfish as this will no doubt not have used protection.

I'm so sorry, you deserve so much more. What is your housing and financial situation? You sound lovely OP but now is the time to think of you and your family. This man is not your friend. Do not believe a word he is telling you.

I’m really sorry to hear that he is putting you through all of this. What I would say is set your own boundaries and stick to them. It’s not up to him what decision you should make becasue he doesn’t know what he wants. You were willing to support him when depressed and suicidal- another woman is a whole other thing. Was he lying about the MH to manipulate you?

it doesn’t matter. You don’t need him or his drama in your life or your kids life. Don’t let him see them unsupervised while he is feeling suicidal. Finish with him and move on. You are strong and you deserve better.

sorry you are going through this.

xx

Really sorry op. I agree with pp that you should not believe a word he is saying. Don’t believe his version of what has happened or when or how. Look after yourself.

What a horrible situation for you. Please take comfort in the fact you’ve been an excellent mother in trying to support the children’s father with his mental health but it’s time to draw some boundaries now. He has other people to support him with his mental health and it’s not your responsibility, especially if it’s been caused by him being unfaithful. Now is the time to limit your contact with him to being about the children and focus on yourself. Tell all your friend and family everything that’s been happening and take comfort from the support they can offer. Focus on you and the children and taking each day as it comes. It will get easier.

Such a dick move feigning a mental health breakdown when what they are experiencing is their own guilt & sadly I've seen it happen. Everyone is so worried about them, they get all the sympathy they crack up - then the reason for their probably somewhat genuine distress becomes clear - OW was probably threatening to tell so he probably realised his double life was about the be exposed. That is genuinely stressful - but will lying cheating fuckers who do this get any sympathy from me? No fucking way. I'm sorry you've been treated this way Op - you truly deserve so much better.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this op. What a shit husband and father he is to give you so much stress and worry with his fake breakdown. You and your children are better off without him

Op, this man has lied to you repeatedly and cheated on you. He's left you awake at night, some parenting his children, while he's out sgaggibg another woman and blaming his mental health. And now he doesn't want you to walk away as "he doesn't know what he wants".

Fuck that.

A healthy relationship isn't based on what option you took on the day, like it's a sauce on a sandwich. He doesn't get to choose tomato today and mayo tomorrow. It shows a horrific lack of respect to you and you deserve so much more. Your children deserve so much more. He is not your soul mate. He's an arsehole that's been dragging you along and you can't believe a a single word he says as it's ALL lies.

The best thing you can do is stay far away from him. Don't engage. Off you have to communicate, mage it about the children and that's it. Keep it brief, to the pungent and stop being his friend and support. Put YOU and your kids first.

I had this with my ex-husband when he left me. Severe depression, suicidal thoughts, etc. Supported him through it all.
Then found out later he'd left me for another woman.

I read this thread and could have predicted this outcome. It’s textbook. So obviously OW. Have no idea why anyone stating the bleedin obvious was shouted down.

Right now your priority is your healing and your family. He has made it abundantly clear that he is wanting to choose between you both and you need to wait for that outcome. I’m sorry but that’s utterly disgusting!

No man gets to choose whether they want to be with their family and wife or another woman. They get shown the bloody door.

He has manipulated and lied to you in the cruelest way. You were sticking up for him on this thread, you were frightened and scared for him, how bloody dare he!!!

Find your anger.

I am reconciled but I’m finding it hard to find anything worth trying for with this particular nasty cheat. But if you choose to stay it has to be on the proviso he has moved heaven and earth to win you back. That is not crying and wailing, that’s counselling, reading books, full disclosure (he is still lying) and transparency. I can’t see this manipulative man child doing any of these things.

Get yourself on surviving infidelity for ongoing support, it’s an amazing site. Google they’re 180 for a strategy to gain some distance.

You and your lovely children deserve better!

God sorry OP

and sorry for complaining about the lack of support you were getting, I should have known better since my own dad pulled this shit on my mum 🙄

btw she left him and had a blast for the rest of her life.

Well, those of us who were deeply skeptical of this man and were roundly criticised by other posters, were on the damn money

sadly you were right
no I hold my hands up
how very fucking disappointing

op I’m so sorry

well you don’t need to look after his cheating scum ass anymore

in time you will come through but I cannot imagine how shitty you feel right now and hope You have RL support

Urgh bin him off totally.

Who tf does he think he is with his 'I get to decide' nonsense. Fuck him.

Tell him to sort his mental health out and then he can see the kids. Otherwise grey rock and get some counselling for yourself.

I believe Cheaters actions and thought processes create cognitive dissonance. They are acting like a shitbag yet another woman is telling them they are amazing and they love the ego kibbles. It creates cognitive dissonance. They then feel depressed.

Textbook. Sorry op but he’s a liar, he isn’t looking after you. He’s low value. Don’t trust a word that comes out of his mouth.

I have caught up with all the posts. I am so sorry OP sending you a virtual hug x

@Cleigh996 - you’ve had excellent advice above.

I don’t see how you can do anything but keep him gone: this is him when you’ve only been together 3 years, only just married and with a tiny child already and a baby on the way ie when you should still have been massively loved up (in fact you thought you were) and he should have had no thoughts other than protecting your relationship and the little family you and he were in the midst of creating. You can never trust him again. He’s a cheat and he will lie, minimise, gaslight and manipulate you until the cows come home. He’s all about himself.

There’s zero chance that this woman came along after his breakdown. Literally zero. But even if she had - how could that possibly be okay? If this had truly been about his mental health, he should have been doing everything he could to get right again so that he could come back to you and your family (leaving aside that it was very odd that he ever left the home and probably more symptomatic of a guilty conscience than anything). He shouldn’t have been shagging other women. No OW should have featured at any time in this story - not before or after. Leaving aside that it’s clearly a lie, the fact that he even thinks that’s somehow okay shows he has the morals of a tom cat.

Your description of him at the outset as being your soulmate and the whirlwind nature of it (3 years in and you already have 1 child and another on the way), the fairytale wedding - it sounds like he’s a love-bomber and all about the romantic fantasy and nothing about real life.

So sorry you’re going through this, OP. I hope you have loads of fabulous support in real life.

Op I am sorry you are in this situation. At the minute Mr Selfish still thinks he is the prize and wants you to wait while he chooses.

You need to push him off the fence.

If you want him to consider you need risk losing him and the marriage. Personally I would say ‘husband I love you and want our marriage to work. However there is one thing worse than not being married to you and that is sharing you. I am not prepared to tolerate that. I am not being party to this situation. You need to also understand that the more time that elapses the less likely I am to consider us reconciling’. Then leave the room and do not engage further. If possible leave the building.

The pick me dance will not work. Choose yourself. You are the prize. You defending him and wanted to help him. He didn’t meet this lady post split up. He’s a lying shitbag who is STILL controlling your truth. He thinks he gets to call what your truth is so HE gets to make his choices. Bugger that. Push him off the fence.

Unless he works on his whys and realises he is a shitbag that made thousands of poor choices he isn’t safe as a partner.

You need to make a list of why YOU are the prize (and believe me you are).

1. You defended him even when he left. You saw the best in him and wanted to help him.
2. your words (vows) meant something. You have integrity and loyalty.

He has a but in his fidelity. I’m faithful ‘but’ not if I won’t get caught.

Any mention of ‘unmet needs’ laugh and walk away. It’s nonsense. You can’t increase someone’s, honesty, loyalty and commitment vía nights out, cooking them steak or oral sex. It’s bollocks.

He chose to cheat. He has poor character traits, dishonesty, poor self esteem, thinking he deserves to control your truth, thinking he deserves 100% where you only deserve 60%, lack of integrity, pretending he believes in the vows he made, needing external validation, needs ego kibbles and smoke blowing up his behind, selfish, risking stds, poor self control, unable to self soothe, poor communication, running away when the going gets tough. Until he fixes whatever poor traits he has (and believe me he will have some of the above and others) he is a shit partner. And sadly those poor character traits are why most cheaters are incapable of reconciling.

Unless he fixes his whys and he gets to his root cause (with the blame squarely at his feet) he is liable to cheat again. Look after yourself op. Treat yourself like you would treat a best friend. Be aware infidelity causes Ptsd.

@FairyMaclary has put it so well. After all his shitty behaviour, this guy still thinks he’s the prize. Still thinks he’s worthy of being competed for. He really has a very high opinion of himself, doesn’t he? But you’re the prize, OP. You’re the gold medal. He’s the wooden spoon.

Oh fuck him.

Tell him to fuck off op. I know uts a hard thing to even think of doing but you really should. He's a cheeky cuntfucker cheat. Of course he doesn't want to to end it. He wants to yoyo between you like the selfish dickhead he is. Because it makes him feel billy big ballz important.

Don't let him.
Find your anger at the bastard.
2 months married, 2 months after promising to love you at the alter, he's fucking cheating!

That's not someone you can ever trust again. Do yourself a favour and tell him to sling his hook. You'll think yourself for it a year from now. Rather than kicking yourself for letting him play you off again some random women.

Sorry I'm disgusted, you can tell the ones who have never been around mental health and the wreck it can make you. Horrible illness. He needs to get to the Dr asap tbh sounds like the meds are doing the opposite, it very often takes a lot of trial and error before the right anti depressant can be found. By hubby has a similar breakdown several years ago and it didn't really come slowly happened over days. He totally changed to how he was, anyway it took trys of 3 meds before they found sertraline worked. Quite frankly one of the first ones I thought he was going to commit suicide he was all over the place mentally totally unlike himself. Anyway a year of sertraline and the Dr took him off it and he has been fine ever since again. Also he had never had any mental health problems before this one either. Sometimes the brain can't cope anymore with stress, tiredness and it's way of coping it to breakdown. Hand hold from me your doing well

And forget my reply saw the update lol totally different situations then

Get him an equity card, he's totally putting on an act.

Sadly cheaters create their own mental health issues unsurprisingly. Having the ability to lie, sneak and lack integrity isn’t going to put anyone in a good place.

The biggest concern though is that their poor choices can lead to their faithful and loyal spouses ending up with PTSD unable to rely on the one who promised to stick by them. Op I hope you are getting proper support. Please be aware this can cause PTSD. Emdr therapy can help. If you seek counselling please sack any unmet needs counsellor. It’s nonsense. Look after yourself and seek counselling if you are struggling.

Depressed or not (I think not) he's a horrible person who doesn't deserve you or the children. Tell him to do one.