Mental load row is going to end marriage

[LouKJ]

We've been together 18 years, married for 15, two children. He works 12 hour shifts, I work weekdays 8.30-5.
I do the vast majority of the household load, including cooking, cleaning, washing, plus I do all of the kids activities and school stuff. He doesn't have any of the apps for school info, wouldn't even know how to book breakfast club or pay for a school lunch.
I've been away with work for a week. The day I got back we had a huge row where he told me that he'd enjoyed being at home alone (my parents had the kids Monday-Friday because of his shifts) because he wasn't "getting criticised permanently". He said he wanted the marriage to be over. We talked and he said that he feels that its my job to all of the household chores and kids activities because I don't work 12 hour shifts and his days off should be complete rest days where he doesn't have to do anything.
I admit, I criticise him for not pulling his weight but I get so frustrated that he can't see the demands of my job and everything I do in the house. He does not understand the concept of "the mental load" at all.
The day after the row I suggested marriage counselling, he said no. I wrote some statements on paper to explain how I feel and what I think I can do to help our marriage. He refused to do the same. He claims that he would be more productive in the house if he could move to day shifts, but that would be a drop in wages that we can't really afford. He blamed me for this because we want to do home improvements and he said they're my idea so its my fault we can't afford the drop in wages.
I don't really know where to go from here - it doesn't matter how I try to communicate or phrase it, what language I use - he doesn't seem to understand my feelings. Now I'm really worried that at any point he might just decide to walk out. I love him very much but part of me thinks that if I was on my own it would be easier - I'd still be doing all of the work but the frustration would be less.

Why do you want to stay married? Because the only reason I can see is for the money. The guy doesn’t contribute to family life, or home life. It’s all your job according to him. That’s not right. That’s no way to live.

Really, you should be the one asking for the divorce. Develop some self respect, stop begging him and accept that the marriage is over. Start making plans for who lives where and how to split the kids.

He won’t try counselling, he won’t engage. Accept it’s dead and file for divorce. You can’t maintain or fix a marriage on your own, stop fighting 💐

You should be calling time on this. He doesn’t respect you or your feelings. I’m sorry.

That's incredibly ungrateful after your parents have had your joint DC for a whole week!

What an entitled man.

I’d suggest private therapy to work out what it is that you are happy to accept/not accept.

I know resentment killed my marriage.

At the moment he is thinking that him being single again would be like that week he had with no wife and no kids: no pressure on him, time to himself, etc.

He hasn't actually thought it through in terms of either: 50/50 child-sharing, whereby he has to do everything for the children on 'his' days, including planning and anticipating; or more likely he will have minimal contact and will have to pay you a shedload of child maintenance.

Perhaps you should go along with the divorce idea, start looking up the law on maintenance and tell him what he would have to pay, and ask him which days he will have the children to live with him, and how will that work with his shifts. It might focus his mind and bring him back to reality.

On the other hand, you could accept that it is over, that he is being lazy and selfish, and decide that overall you would rather not live with him any more. Take back the decision-making power - it is not just up to him to decide if you will stay together or not.

If you are working the same amount of hours in similar jobs then the house work should be more equally split.

He has put you in a very bad position with his non communities stance and unwillingness to listen. He sounds like he is trying to force your hand either because he wants you to back down or call time on the marriage.

My first port of call would be to see a solicitor to work out what you would be entitled to in a divorce. He thinks he would be child free and would keep all the money he earns. Find out what would happen for your specific circumstances re the house, pension etc.

He is a complete arsehole, who does he think will be doing all the cooking, cleaning, shopping, laundry etc when he is living by himself? He is an idiot.

He sounds really unreasonable, but I would definitely support him changing his hours. Agree to that and see if anything changes (I suspect it won't).

Divorced person here. So my perspective is more of seeing both sides of outcomes - rather than ‘you deserve better’ sort of approach that is based on emotion not reality.

Life with kids and work is tough and draining. And if a marriage isn’t working as a team - resentments pile up.
You are tired. Rightly so. And frustrated. He doesn’t try to understand how you feel. Not great.
However (and you won’t like hearing this bit) - you are also not trying to listen or understand him.
He works nights? Or mixed shifts? - by all accounts - and there is a lot of research on that - that pattern of work is extremely draining and even reduces life expectancy.
Living with a partner who constantly berates you isn’t great either.

What you are not doing as a couple is listening to each other and making joint decisions and compromises.
You told him what you can do to help marriage. He told you as well - day shifts would make him less tired and more able to do his share. The compromise is delaying home improvements.
You can’t always get it all in the way you prefer. People and resources have limitations.

Yes - you can of course divorce. But in practical terms that matter to you - your life would not improve. Most likely you’d have to sell your place and both get much smaller places. He would not have kids 50/50 - and there is no way of forcing him to. You’ll still be carrying as much load - all with a lot less money and more misery.

You said you love him. In that case - it sounds like there is something to fight for - or work on in this marriage.
Divorce is always an option, obv. But I do think it is the last step after you tried all the other steps.

Well you've got two children, and he wants to end the marriage.
The options right now if he won't engage with fixing the marriage are you stay in the house with the kids and he leaves and contributes money, or vice versa. So he's either got to find himself somewhere to go or take over parenting, in the starkest of terms and the immediate. Ask him which it is? Might focus his mind a bit.

I’m sorry to say but he is pathetic.

I work 12hr shifts- DH also works shifts. We cross over throughout the week. We both have the school apps, and take DC where they need to be depending on who is at home.

We both do chores- although DH is lazy and will spend days off lounging in the sofa if he can get away with it.

he doesn’t want to be part of the family anymore so don’t do the pick me dance- see a solicitor and get your ducks in a row.

stop cooking/washing for him and if you’ve got a spare room - tell him it’s now his as he doesn’t want to be with you anymore.

shift work is no excuse for being a shit person

@LouKJ to be honest you're both doing too much. It's not feasible to carry on the way you both are with your working patterns - something needs to be sacrificed.

I have a close female family member who works the sort of shifts your husband does and it is IS utterly exhausting and you need the rest days. What you're doing also sounds utterly exhausting.

Is his comment about home improvements true? Surely the answer is to stop the plans for home improvements or make another financial sacrifice so he can go into day shifts and you both then share the mental/child/household workload better. The constant tension and your communication style has ground him down and things need to turn around quickly.

Home improvements are not worth the family tearing apart. You'll get the strangers on this forum who love telling other women to break up their families but this is your life not theirs. It's easy for them to say it when they're not going to suffer any of the consequences. Ultimately if you divorce your children are the ones who will suffer the most and have the permanent consequences (I say this as a child of divorce with a mother who divorced due to a marriage that is way worse that what you're describing).

You're right to suggest marriage counselling but tbh it should have been done much earlier before the resentment from your husband built up. It's never too late though and the key here is showing him you both are on the same team and you genuinely love him and want things to change for the better for both of you and you as well as him are willing to make the changes needed for a better marriage.

@LouKJ

Another vote for looking at your priorities.
Surely house renovations are not worth breaking your family over - especially as it means the exact opposite of what you want.
No renovations, selling family home, less money all around. (Seems like cutting nose yo spite the face sort of move…)

Where you currently are in your relationship is unsustainable - and something needs to change. Seems likely that it means both of you need to make an effort to change and listen to the other.

He blamed me for this because we want to do home improvements and he said they're my idea so its my fault we can't afford the drop in wages.

If you are preventing him from moving to day shifts then you are being unreasonable. Are you preventing him? Would you prefer to stay married and share the mental and physical load more than you want home improvements? If so, tell him you’ll look forward to him doing days.

A marriage can only be saved if both are willing to save it. Your husband does not want to put any effort into saving it but he's happy for you to continue doing all the work. In other words it's highly unlikely he will actually leave unless you make his life hell (in which case save yourself the hassle and just leave).

You need to decide if you can live this way for the next ten, twenty years and end up broken due to anger and resentment, or you leave. In the meantime go see a solicitor for a one off consultation to see what you would be entitled to. Knowledge is power.

Divorce the a-hole. Sounds like a total shit

End it this is just a way to get you to take it all on. Is the house jointly owned.

separate abd stop doing anyth8ng fir him he doesn’t respect you at all. And splitting up will mean he may step up and parent

Another vote to let him move to day shifts if that is what he needs. Resentment nearly destroyed my relationship. I was doing far more of the house/ mental load.

The flip side of that was i hated living where DP lived when I met him so we moved to be beside my job. I was walking 20 minutes to work a day while he was driving for 3 hours a day. It meant he was out of the house for well over 12 hours a day and I was picking up the pieces. I could easily have come on and written what you wrote but we lived where we did and he commuted the length he did as I didn't want to move.

I'm not saying it will nessesarily fix everything but it sounds like your both just at breaking point and if moving his shifts helps take that pressure off then surely its worth exploring

Let him go 👋

Is he right though - is it you who is insisting on home improvements so he can’t change shifts? That feels quite crucial here. Those shifts are killers - they literally shorten life spans. When my brother worked shift patterns like that he was basically insensible. I’d be prioritising getting him onto day shifts rather than divorce or improving the home. And not much point doing home improvements if you end up having to sell it because you’re divorced.

Thank you to everyone for responding. It's a really difficult situation and I 100% know that it isn't completely his fault - I am guilty of always taking on too much and I am definitely more critical than I should be, which I am trying to work on. I am open to the idea of him changing to day shifts if it truly is a reason for his current mood and behaviour. He thinks that I'm opposed to the idea of him changing because of the money but it's honestly not that. He plays golf, he likes to go for a midweek drink with his dad and he likes to play xbox for hours on his day off. I don't mind any of this because it occurs on his days off when I'm working and the children are in school. If he was to change to day shifts I think he would find it difficult never having the house to himself (I know what that feels like!) and not being able to golf in midweek or to game for hours in peace. I don't think it would be long before he got fed up of it and as he's never worked days I'm not sure he appreciates how quickly the weekends go! He's used to 4 or 5 days off at a time. However, its not me working the long shifts so I do accept that its his decision. In terms of the house improvements, it was something we both wanted to do and although I can live without them I feel like our priorities are different. He says we can't afford the extra mortgage, but we pay around £400 a month for his brand new car which I'm sure we could reduce drastically if we wanted to and that would go towards extra mortgage payments.
I do think he is showing signs of some poor mental health at the moment but its hard when he doesn't want to talk. Despite the issues I don't want to give up on us yet, 18 years is a lot of time and history to throw away without trying to save it.

I'd be f-ing critical if I had a husband like that. All day long I'd be criticising him till his ears bled. If he doesn't want to get criticised then he needs to step up and stop playing f-ing golf. Are you playing golf. No!. Jesus!

Why are you making so many allowances for him OP - it's so weird?

To be completely blunt, it is easier. My exH couldn't see that running a house, looking after children and organising life took effort and work. We did divorce over this, and other things. Life is so much better for me now. It's not for him, obviously, as now he has to do life admin, housework etc and he hardly sees his children because they want to live with me.

If he said the marriage is over, agree and move on.