Mental load row is going to end marriage

[LouKJ]

We've been together 18 years, married for 15, two children. He works 12 hour shifts, I work weekdays 8.30-5.
I do the vast majority of the household load, including cooking, cleaning, washing, plus I do all of the kids activities and school stuff. He doesn't have any of the apps for school info, wouldn't even know how to book breakfast club or pay for a school lunch.
I've been away with work for a week. The day I got back we had a huge row where he told me that he'd enjoyed being at home alone (my parents had the kids Monday-Friday because of his shifts) because he wasn't "getting criticised permanently". He said he wanted the marriage to be over. We talked and he said that he feels that its my job to all of the household chores and kids activities because I don't work 12 hour shifts and his days off should be complete rest days where he doesn't have to do anything.
I admit, I criticise him for not pulling his weight but I get so frustrated that he can't see the demands of my job and everything I do in the house. He does not understand the concept of "the mental load" at all.
The day after the row I suggested marriage counselling, he said no. I wrote some statements on paper to explain how I feel and what I think I can do to help our marriage. He refused to do the same. He claims that he would be more productive in the house if he could move to day shifts, but that would be a drop in wages that we can't really afford. He blamed me for this because we want to do home improvements and he said they're my idea so its my fault we can't afford the drop in wages.
I don't really know where to go from here - it doesn't matter how I try to communicate or phrase it, what language I use - he doesn't seem to understand my feelings. Now I'm really worried that at any point he might just decide to walk out. I love him very much but part of me thinks that if I was on my own it would be easier - I'd still be doing all of the work but the frustration would be less.

Draw up a proposal for him to work day shifts. Explain he would get a weekend day for complete rest and you’d get yours. Write a list
of allllllllll the tasks he’d have to do on your weekend day. Then tell him you’d have to share all other tasks equally as you’d be working the same hours. Get everything written down, and I’m talking everything, after school club, gp appointments, buying new clothing when the kids grow out of it, dentist trips, gifts for friends and family and ask him how he thinks you could ensure a fair divide. Maybe that will give him
some perspective about how much you actually do and why you’re frustrated with him.

So you work 5 days a week, how many does he work?

How old are the DCs? I know that doesn't solve your DH prob but are they old enough to do more?

You both know v what the other wants but neither of you have c really 'heard' the other or are prepared to talk/problem solve a compromise that's a bit of birth of your needs. He wants less brutal night shifts. You want him to step up on the domestic front. That's doable if you can negotiate boundaries but you have different financial priorities and if income drops this will become more of a focus. Shit down and write out without conferring your top five financial priorities. If you can't find common ground once you've conferred then divorce may be something to consider.

He sounds pathetic I don’t know how women get horny with men like this. My partner got like this a couple of months ago and I sat him down and told I don’t have sex with toddlers and whilst he was behaving like one we wouldn’t be having sex.

Sounds like it's over. Sounds like you might both be happier, esp you in the long run.

not being able to golf in midweek or to game for hours in peace.

All time is equal. So whatever time you are both off work should be split equally. If he has hours to game and golf then you should have the equivalent leisure time.

You both are equally responsible for bringing children into the world. You both enjoy having a warm roof over your heads. You both enjoy the food you eat on the plates you both own. You both enjoy the luxury of a flushing toilet and hot water to keep clean. You BOTH therefore have equal responsibility to do whatever tasks keep those things well, clean enough and functional. You both have equal responsibility to ensure your agreed minimum standards around child raising.

Shiftwork is bad for health so if he really wants to move to days then I would take the financial hit if you can. But other than that YANBU.

Read/listen to Eve Rodesky ‘Fair Play’. It’s helped me to have the conversation about mental load in a helpful way. There is a website you could look at first.

It is easier to be a single parent who is in control of your own life than being constantly disappointed and frustrated. My ExDH felt more like a third child than a partner.

People who do long shifts tend to do less of them to still hit do full time hours. As he's getting days off as described that sound like the case here. So if you are working the same amount why are you doing it all?

Yes on the 12 hour days he's not going to have time or energy for much. But as you pick up the load those days he needs to do it on others. He might want to have time off entirely on his days off, but he chose to have children so the reality is that's not very achievable for long periods.

Equally though it does actually sound like he could have that time during the day and still actually do stuff!

But this is all in practicality a bit moot as he doesn't get it or want to get it. He doesn't sound very bright if he can't understand the mental load either!

I'm also not sure why you'd want to be married to a selfish person. Especially as he doesn't see the need for change. I think you're best off seperating.

All this. I think l would be getting out as he sounds lazy, self absorbed and entitled. Very unattractive and he’s setting a bad example to your children. For clarity l sometimes do shifts including nights and l still manage to do my share as a parent 🤷‍♀️

Not read the whole thread but I have read the OP's posts and these bits in particular

"He said he wanted the marriage to be over"

" It's a really difficult situation and I 100% know that it isn't completely his fault - I am guilty of always taking on too much and I am definitely more critical than I should be"

OP don't discount the idea that your husband has already made plans to leave (whatever that might look like including arrangements for accommodation or the presence of a third party you do not know about).
Just because he might be depressed does not mean he will not take matters into his own hands.
I know having seen it a million times that doing-all-the-things and being an incredible home maker and mother and holding all the practical stuff together is almost never enough to keep a man or make him change his mind about a relationship.

Please look after yourself and your kids first and foremost and do not be pushed into the idea that it is because you have been too critical etc. Open your eyes.

I think the problem is he's not really willing to engage with the realities of family life. If you ask him to pull is weight and he just feels criticised then either he's too immature to understand just how much there is that needs doing OR he's a dinosaur who really believes that anything domestic is womens' work. Either way not great.

You could give the day shifts a go and see if anything improves but you may well just be prolonging the inevitable.

If he's happiest when you are away and the kids at his parents and he likes to spend hours gaming and golfing it's hard to see a good outcome that doesn't involve you being his housekeeper.

OP, read your posts again, as if they'd be written by a stranger.
You seem to be minimising his behaviour, making excuses for him. You've been taking his share of the work all along. He isn't committed to your relationship, he'll leave sooner or later. Get your ducks in a row, now.

Jeez OP. I work 12.5 hour shifts (a whole extra half an hour! 😂) and I do everything you mentioned. DH doesn’t even have the school apps. I arrange and navigate all childcare around mine and my DHs shifts. This is 100% his shitty misogynistic view that it’s a woman’s job to do all the stuff you mentioned. My (D)H is also guilty of this but he at least does pick ups and drop offs. You’ll find it easier without him!

Is a lot of allowances for him tbh. I work 60-72h weeks (switching from days to nights every 2weeks) with 3h a day commute as a Dr, I still do all the cooking/cleaning/washing/dishwasher etc etc

OP, you're expending so much energy into trying to keep this marriage afloat but why; when he's made his feelings clear? He's clearly still 10 years old and expects his 'mummy' to do all the mental load of family life because it's 'too hard'.

He's either got a misogynistic view on life or he's just bloody lazy and expects someone else to do everything for him. Neither attitudes are attractive.

How many hours a week does your husband actually work? Is it more than you?

Hi op - yes fight for your marriage but in order to save it you will need to shut up. He’s a selfish bastard. Do not sacrifice your needs for him. He really doesn’t sound worth it.

I think that you've got to accept that he no longer sees you as an equal and just wants to get as much free labour he can out of you to maximise his leasure time.
I think that he's checked out emotionally and you are not able to change him, he is what he is.
I don't know how you want to progress from this point but don't expect him to turn into a reasonable person.

Oh right. So he thinks that if he didn't have DC and a home he would spend every hour of his time off relaxing? And who would cook, do laundry etc?

As it is he does have DC and he will need to provide a home for them.

So I'd tell him ok. Let's get divorced. You have the DC 50% of the time and you look after yourself, them and your own home.

hmm, so my husband works 12 hour shifts but im reality these often run to 17-18 hpurs due to the nature of his job, its also (imo) one of the most stressful jobs there is.

I work full time from home.

On his first rest say he always cleans the house, bathrooms, hoovering, the lot. He also does a share of the food shopping, depending on how busy I am (self employed), so maybe 1 week out of 4 he does that. He does all the gardening and probably more than half the ironing.

I cook, do half the ironing, all the washing, 80% of ferrying the kids depending on his rest days, all appointments for the kids, sort all bills (not a hard job but do all phone calls for sky/electric etc as and when needed) 70% of walking the dog etc etc

It works because his jobs are done in a day normally, he will run the hoover round and load the dishwasher, walk the dog etc but he gets his rest in on the other 3 days.

12 hour shifts are no reason to exit family life

@jsku's post is sensible.

The people talking bullishly about "see how he feels when it's 50:50" are clearly ridiculous. Why would any mother want to hand her children over for 50% of the time to a man who's barely seen them? The thing that stops a lot of women from divorcing is precisely the fact that they don't want to miss their children for half of the time, and they don't want to think of their children being on their own with a useless parent in sub-standard accommodation (because not that many people have enough money to divorce and both live in decent houses).

Divorce has to be an absolute last resort.

@jsku
i completely disagree! Like the op I was doing it all but now we are separated I’m still doing it all without the resentment and I get 2 weekends completely to myself a month. My quality of life has improved no end!

Most importantly Iv set the standard for my girls and their dad has had to step up to the plate. It doesn’t work out amicable for everyone but it did for me. I have the complete opposite experience of the one you have described. It’s important to know there are different outcomes after divorce or seperation and they aren’t as bleak as you made out.

Sadly a lot of women who separate do finally get some head space and realise that the partner having the kids, even just on weekends, means they become more of a parent they ever were in the marital home. There are quite a few groups on instagram etc you can follow to show how much easier it can be. It sounds as if he has detached himself and isn't looking to resolve anything, just wants you to put up and shut up. I'd be trying to accept that gracefully and thinking about a future without him. He can be a good dad but clearly isn't a good husband.

Similar story here.

We both worked (although me p/t0. I did all the housework, shopping, cleaning, 95% of the cooking, mental load for the family, etc.

He prioritised his social life, which led to an affair and now we are divorced.

I still do everything I did back then but without seething resentment. Yes, I have less money but I bought him out of the family home and we manage fine. He sees the kids less now they are teenagers and don't want to be to-ing and fro-ing and has a house to look after by himself (well, mummy dear does his cleaning and ironing), has dangerously high blood pressure, the younger woman didn't last and he looks far from the care free man he thought he would be once he separated himself from the shackles of the ball and chain that was me.

I, on the other hand have been with my partner for 4 years who has recently moved in with us. He helps me with the cleaning every week, contributes financially and isn't interested in chasing his youth or other women. I am enough for him.

As someone else said, you can 't save a marriage on your own and if he won't even try marriage counselling then I think you have your answer.