Mental load row is going to end marriage

[LouKJ]

We've been together 18 years, married for 15, two children. He works 12 hour shifts, I work weekdays 8.30-5.
I do the vast majority of the household load, including cooking, cleaning, washing, plus I do all of the kids activities and school stuff. He doesn't have any of the apps for school info, wouldn't even know how to book breakfast club or pay for a school lunch.
I've been away with work for a week. The day I got back we had a huge row where he told me that he'd enjoyed being at home alone (my parents had the kids Monday-Friday because of his shifts) because he wasn't "getting criticised permanently". He said he wanted the marriage to be over. We talked and he said that he feels that its my job to all of the household chores and kids activities because I don't work 12 hour shifts and his days off should be complete rest days where he doesn't have to do anything.
I admit, I criticise him for not pulling his weight but I get so frustrated that he can't see the demands of my job and everything I do in the house. He does not understand the concept of "the mental load" at all.
The day after the row I suggested marriage counselling, he said no. I wrote some statements on paper to explain how I feel and what I think I can do to help our marriage. He refused to do the same. He claims that he would be more productive in the house if he could move to day shifts, but that would be a drop in wages that we can't really afford. He blamed me for this because we want to do home improvements and he said they're my idea so its my fault we can't afford the drop in wages.
I don't really know where to go from here - it doesn't matter how I try to communicate or phrase it, what language I use - he doesn't seem to understand my feelings. Now I'm really worried that at any point he might just decide to walk out. I love him very much but part of me thinks that if I was on my own it would be easier - I'd still be doing all of the work but the frustration would be less.

I don't get when people complain about long shifts that are 12 hours. Loads of people work long days 5 days a week - I certainly do 10 hours most days. Would love it if I only had to do it three times a week or whatever.

Book yourself a week away on a golfing holiday, and get him to take a week off work. He'll understand the concept of the mental load then.

He plays golf, he likes to go for a midweek drink with his dad and he likes to play xbox for hours on his day off.

He's used to 4 or 5 days off at a time.

He says we can't afford the extra mortgage, but we pay around £400 a month for his brand new car.

I work weekdays 8.30-5. I do the vast majority of the household load, including cooking, cleaning, washing, plus I do all of the kids activities and school stuff. He doesn't have any of the apps for school info, wouldn't even know how to book breakfast club or pay for a school lunch.

he said that he feels that its my job to all of the household chores and kids activities

🤔 😱😱
Run a fucking mile OP, he's laughing at, and disrespectful of you (and the children). You are just a service provider and he is showing zero, nada, no love, care or kindness to you. Get some therapy for yourself and ask why you pander to his every need under the guise of "love".

I think you should encourage him to move to day shifts, give him a list of jobs that are now “his” as he is working normal hours, and see what happens.

It might be he picks up the slack and you are all happier albeit no money for home improvements- if so great.

It might be that, as you suspect, he hates not having all the free time he currently has and is still crap about pulling his weight. If so, divorce beckons. But at least you’ll know it was unfixable.

The relief you feel when you’ve got rid of a lazy arse partner is like a huge weight lifting off your shoulders. You will wonder how you were carrying the load for so long.

this

"I do the vast majority of the household load, including cooking, cleaning, washing, plus I do all of the kids activities and school stuff."

"He plays golf, he likes to go for a midweek drink with his dad and he likes to play xbox for hours on his day off."

Why oh why oh WHY do you put up with this shit? How can you even look at him, let alone have sex with him?!

Get some counselling for yourself to work out why you've been accepting this for so long.

Let the lazy selfish arse leave if he wants to.

Let him go, op. And when he recognises that he will not just have to pull his weight sorting out his own place, childcare for his days and everything else don't let him back. Let him know he has made his decision and that will be that. Good luck and don't look back.

Is he planning to abandon the kids too when you separate? Because of course no one expected anything of him- no one was there. But when you separate what is his plan for when he has the kids? How will he handle dinners and washing and bed time and all the rest?!

Wanker.

The day I got back we had a huge row where he told me that he'd enjoyed being at home alone (my parents had the kids Monday-Friday because of his shifts) because he wasn't "getting criticised permanently". He said he wanted the marriage to be over.

That’s the only thing to say.
He told You it’s over. He isn’t going to change the way he behaves because he thinks he deserves it.
Looking for blame and whose fault it is isn’t going to help. Telling yourself you at fault because you’ve been ‘nagging’ him to step up as a partner isn’t going to help either tbh.
And so is trying to patch things up if he is absolutely against counselling/finding ways to change things.

Id let him go.
From the sounds of it, you won’t get much more work and probably less so when you do - seeing you do it all anyway.
Go and see a solicitor anyway. Regardless of your outcome, knowing where you stand financially and re the dcs is essential.

You’re having the wrong conversation with him. You need to be asking him about finances once you are separated and working out how you’re going to afford two houses, maintenance, child care etc.

Ask him when yours days off are to do nothing

tbh sounds to me as if it’s run it’s course and you would be better off without him

Start focusing on what life apart would look like for both of you.

he Has asked for a divorce. What does that look like for him? Ask if he plans to change his working hours to facilitate 50-50. How does he plan to care for the children on his time. He doesn’t see himself doing housework or any parenting. Does he have a new ‘wife’ waiting in the wings to wash his pants and make tea for the kids??

Of course life would be easier! He's a pathetic lazy bullying user. Start planning your life without him.

I so hate when men start calling their wives nags. No woman wants to be a nag. We just want our husbands to be an equal partner. And if they aren’t pulling their fair share at home and parenting, then we start by asking politely, but when they still refuse to do their equal share and we have to keep reminding them, we end up being a “nag”.
Tell him that if you split up he won’t have anymore nagging reminders of what jobs need doing with the house and kids, but he’ll have to actually DO all the jobs that he is currently refusing to do. He’ll still have to work full-time but then do all the housework, cooking, laundry in his own home, plus have the kids sole charge some of the week.

If he says his shifts are preventing him from being in this marriage 50/50 - parenting, housework etc call him out.
Let him go to days , I suspect it would be a massive shock to his system.
Any drop in income can be addressed by him getting a cheaper car - £400 a month is a lot, not spending money on golf and his hobbies.

It takes real commitment from both parties to save a marriage

Let him go. He'll.soon realise that he'll have to pick up after himself, pay maintenance and have the kids for contact days where he'll be doing it all then. You'll have less stress not having to mother another adult.

He’s put his foot down and said ‘I need rest’, why can’t you do the same? This is the issue; you’re both working very hard, but he seems to think he works harder, which suggests a lack of respect.

But also, I think you need more balance in your lives somehow, there’s too much working and not enough time or energy left for anything else. Anyone would be fed up in your situation.

I’m out the house 8-4 and DH is home by 5, we just about manage to get a decent balance, and that’s with us having 5 hours a night together, every day.

If he changed to days he’d just be gone weekends playing golf, and you’d still be paying for the car and the pub and the Xbox games and I am willing to bet he wouldn’t do more than 10 minutes extra a week around the house, he’d find some new reason to be the asshole he is. Maybe that he deserves his free time…. I think you should say on reflection, you’re right. I think you should go. You don’t add much to our life and it’s not just that you do fuck all around here, it’s also not like you’re even nice to me or spend time with your dc. Typical contact arrangements are the kids stay with you every other weekend and one night a week, have a think about it. Calm down, sit down and think about the finances.

Where do you go from here?

To a good solicitor.

Your marriage is over.

Your selfish, entitled husband doesn't respect you or even like you. He has no interest in hearing your pov or doing anything but feel sorry for himself because you don't worship the ground he stands on. He has told you that he has no interest in making the marriage work for you. Essentially, he's in it for the benefits it has for him, and that's all he's interested in.

I hope you are OK, this is so sad to read.
How old are your children? 💐 you must be exhausted.

As someone who is separated (2 years and stuck in stalemate and anxiety on what to do next), this is one of the best and most balanced posts I have ever read on MN.

Not enough people tell you how life really is if you go down the LTB route.

How many hours a week do you both work? It's the total amount that dictates the split of duties, not the shift length.

Yes - you can of course divorce. But in practical terms that matter to you - your life would not improve. Most likely you’d have to sell your place and both get much smaller places. He would not have kids 50/50 - and there is no way of forcing him to. You’ll still be carrying as much load - all with a lot less money and more misery.

I don’t think you can say at all.

Yes practicalities such as housing are tI take into account. Finances are often what stops people from separating nowadays.
However, it’s still a fact that he is doing nothing in the house, has lots if opportunities to relax and have time for himself, incl rest. Which the OP doesn’t have. Instead she is putting two shifts a day. One with work and then one at home. And no breaks.
Which means it will be detrimental to her health, physically and mentally. The cost of being treated like a maid, the resentment etc… can be a cost just as high as ‘living with less money’. Because that’s living with misery!

Now in which way is the balance tipping will depend a lot of what’s going on, the way he treats her (any respect at all?), her resentment (and she has good grounds to be resentful tbh) etc etc… vs day to day living.
It will also depend on wages, how much she earns etc etc vs his wage etc… (for all we know, despite all the talk on ‘i have to work shifts to afford the work on the house you want’ he might be the lower earner!!)
But assuming that she will be more miserable separated than with him is just as wrong as assuming the only is to separate.

@jsku there is if curse tte slight issue that HE wants a divorce, so the OP might be able to drag it on (by not rocking the boat and saying Yes to him all the time) but she can’t stop him from separating if he wants to.
Regardless of whether she wants it or not.