Mental load row is going to end marriage

[LouKJ]

We've been together 18 years, married for 15, two children. He works 12 hour shifts, I work weekdays 8.30-5.
I do the vast majority of the household load, including cooking, cleaning, washing, plus I do all of the kids activities and school stuff. He doesn't have any of the apps for school info, wouldn't even know how to book breakfast club or pay for a school lunch.
I've been away with work for a week. The day I got back we had a huge row where he told me that he'd enjoyed being at home alone (my parents had the kids Monday-Friday because of his shifts) because he wasn't "getting criticised permanently". He said he wanted the marriage to be over. We talked and he said that he feels that its my job to all of the household chores and kids activities because I don't work 12 hour shifts and his days off should be complete rest days where he doesn't have to do anything.
I admit, I criticise him for not pulling his weight but I get so frustrated that he can't see the demands of my job and everything I do in the house. He does not understand the concept of "the mental load" at all.
The day after the row I suggested marriage counselling, he said no. I wrote some statements on paper to explain how I feel and what I think I can do to help our marriage. He refused to do the same. He claims that he would be more productive in the house if he could move to day shifts, but that would be a drop in wages that we can't really afford. He blamed me for this because we want to do home improvements and he said they're my idea so its my fault we can't afford the drop in wages.
I don't really know where to go from here - it doesn't matter how I try to communicate or phrase it, what language I use - he doesn't seem to understand my feelings. Now I'm really worried that at any point he might just decide to walk out. I love him very much but part of me thinks that if I was on my own it would be easier - I'd still be doing all of the work but the frustration would be less.

My dad changed to day shift their marriage ended within a year they were not used to spending time together at all but he did 12 hour shifts five nights a week every week no five on five off malarkey

I agree.

Sounds like what’s happening here is that he’s unhappy with his life and thinks the grass is greener. He’s making you his whipping boy, the scapegoat - he can’t change anything because you want the home improvements, it’s so much nicer when he can just do what he wants etc.

Call his bluff. Let him change to days.

You know and I know that’s not the quick fix for him. But you shouldn’t accept being the one to take the blame. He has to accept responsibility for his actions and decisions.

If you don’t have equal amounts of leisure time, it’s not a partnership.

My STBXH thought he did more than me by emptying the bin half the time, mowing the lawn sometimes, walking the dogs 4 days a week, making his own breakfast and washing his own sweaty sports kit. He got a bit of a shock when he started living alone and has aged 5 years in the past 12 months since we’ve been separated - meanwhile, my domestic workload and household admin has massively reduced.

As your husband currently sees it:

You're a secondary character in your own life.

You exist to support him.

You have no desires, valid feelings or needs of you own.

He sees you as less than.

Why bother fighting for someone who sees you like this?

Maybe you are not suited. You are working 8 1/2 hour days and he is working 12 hour shifts. He does need more down time to recover, though should be able to routinely be trusted to do some tasks.
Forget the home improvements and have a more agreeable and contributing partner or separate.

He regularly has 4-5 days off where he does nothing for the house or kids ??? Definitely let him leave. I suspect it's a bluff on his part but it's in fact a very good idea.

Did you read the bit about him refusing to go to marriage counselling or to negotiate anything?

How is that down to the OP to do all the empathy. The DH is doing absolutely nothing to see how SHE feels. I am sure she has already shown care by doing everything in the house but something eventually has to give. Do you think people who do shift work and live on their own don't have to cook and do their own washing?

You are wrong by saying that living with someone who does nothing to help and doesn't care for you is better than living on your own with children. It is absolutely exhausting living with someone who treats you with contempt. The OP would feel like a weight is lifted from her shoulders if she didn't have to pander to him. This is not love. It's servitude.

OP I suggest you get some counselling just for you. Do the Freedom Programme. Speak to someone from Women's Aid. Get yourself a different perspective from this man's who is not showing love and care, just selfishness and arrogance.

I totally understand how you feel and why it's so hard to let it go.

It's admirable to want to fight to save a long relationship and it sounds like you're prepared to do what it takes - marriage counselling, him changing shifts etc.

But. You can't win this fight if he doesn't also want to fight for it. You cannot win a one sided battle.

Don't hold on solely because it's been 18 yrs. Those years are behind you. Do you want 18 more of the same ahead of you?

It's a rotten situation to be in and I wish you all the best with whatever comes next.

Stop making excuses for him.
When was the last time you spent hours doing something you enjoyed? And he does it a couple of times a week!

Take a long, hard look at how much you do for the household and how much he does, maybe you would be better off without him!

He said he wanted the marriage to be over. We talked and he said that he feels that its my job to all of the household chores and kids activities because I don't work 12 hour shifts and his days off should be complete rest days where he doesn't have to do anything.

he wants the marriage to be over and has no interest in changing the situation.

you are on a hiding to nothing with this man.

give up and divorce him now rather than waste another year of energy on this dickhead.

And I’d be more than critical if I’d had to endure his nonsense as long as you.he can play golf and Xbox but can’t hang a load of laundry or empty a dishwasher

I think you need to explain to him that if you leave him because of his stubborn refusal to be your partner, then he is likely to far LESS time to himself and MORE work to do, while you will GAIN more time to yourself and have LESS work to do.
Make him realize that from a practical standpoint, he has much more to lose than you do.

My son works 12 hour shifts on a four day on four day off rota, with occasional nights and very very early starts. It’s tough and doesn’t compare to 9 to 5, but he likes the time off. I think it’s perfectly ok to not do much on the first day, and to chill however. But there is no reason on earth to not engage in family life for the next three days. Your dh is a lazy selfish fuck, and being with someone for 18 years doesn’t mean you have to spend the next 18 with a lazy selfish fuck. Playing golf? Drinks? New car? Poor mental health my arse.

If he’s doing nights I have some sympathy for him, as nights make me ill, I left working in the hospital because of it.
However, after one recovery day of rest he should be jumping in to family life. He obviously doesn’t want to save the relationship, so tell him to go. But I doubt he’ll have his kids much as that would get in the way of his life.

Hang on. You went away with work and your parents had the kids? So he had a week with even fewer responsibilities and loved it? Who fucking wouldn't?

He thinks that if he left, his whole life would be like that week. Which is interesting isn't it, because he hasn't factored in being a father in his new life.

As for the poster who said you're not seeing his side of things, well, I can imagine it's hard to see his side of things when he's a dead weight. I think doing the shifts he does suits him down to the ground. He has the excuse of being too tired to do anything except game, golf and go drinking. I could have more sympathy for him if he used that down time to do stuff that contributed to family life. If it wasn't at the stage where he'd asked for a divorce, I'd be calling his bluff. Go on day shifts, be less tired, be more present here, do more of the shitwork, be 'nagged' less, everyone's a winner.

A note on nagging. Like a pp said, no one wants to nag or to be a nag. But, sometimes you're forced into it. The alternative is to give your partner a free pass to live like a teenage boy with no responsibilities but all of the benefits of a home, with a laundry service, meals and all that shite done for him. (I mean, I'd be embarrassed to live like that, wouldn't you?). It's also incredibly disrespectful. He has zero respect for what you are doing. If he did respect you and what you are doing he wouldn't let you run yourself ragged doing it.

I think the hardest thing to understand from your post is what you like about him and why you want to save the marriage? You've got into a position where you're not valued, overworked and disrespected. And you want to stay like it? Why?

Start thinking about what your life could be like. A lot of time has been spent discussing what his life is like and could be like if he changed his shifts. Start centering yourself. There's a much better life out there for you op and I'm betting the very best version of it doesn't actually include him

My husband is a medic so can do twelve hour days for two weeks continuously, obviously if he’s doing that he doesn’t do much at home, but as soon as he is at home he steps up. He’d love four days off at a time. And if he had four days off our house would be way, way cleaner!

Your husband is blessed to have four days to muck about and do nothing, who gets that?

Other than money, what is his contribution to the family/relationship?

I am on the fence. He claims he will be more productive if he moves to days shifts; nights shifts are a killer. Why don’t you let him try that and see if things improve and postpone the house improvements. At least you can say you try. It doesn’t seem like you are listening to each other

Just to say, I really really wouldn’t be taking on any more mortgage debt with this man and adding extra financial stress to your lives when it’s so uncertain at the moment. And the stress of a renovation project can put a huge amount of pressure on the family with less useable space depending where in the house and lots of noise in the daytime affecting sleep after shifts, people coming in and out. Not to mention having to make decisions together for the project.

I agree with others, call his bluff, let him change shifts and try out normal working hours and do a chores / childcare / admin list and split and try make a go of it and he’ll have to spend his evenings and weekends pitching in and lose his multiple days off. At least then you’ll know you’ve tried everything you can to make this work (although as others have said I may have called it a day a long time ago but none of us are in your shoes)

The op admits to being critical. Hence his grievance.

Your dh should try working day shifts but best believe that this will make little difference.
Your dh is using his work as excuse to not do anything around the house. He knows that what you do is difficult and frankly he just wants you to shut up and put up.
Most of the women that I know who are doing ten to twelve hour shifts still manage to do their share of the housework/ child rearing.
I do hope that I am wrong though, it would be a shame for a marriage to break up.

Nagging is a word used to shut people up, often aimed at women.

This

He’ll be doing fewer days though. You can work full time in 3 days if working 12 hour shifts. It’s why some people like them.

He's basically saying he no longer wants to honour the commitment he made to his wife or be an active dad for the sake of doing his fair share of essential housework and life admin. Furthermore he's gaslighting the loving wife who's doing it for him. Tell him to pack his bags and fuck right off now OP. If things are ever going to improve (and they likely won't) you need to 100% call his bluff