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Original poster

Mental load row is going to end marriage

185 replies

LouKJ · 29/11/2023 11:24

We've been together 18 years, married for 15, two children. He works 12 hour shifts, I work weekdays 8.30-5.
I do the vast majority of the household load, including cooking, cleaning, washing, plus I do all of the kids activities and school stuff. He doesn't have any of the apps for school info, wouldn't even know how to book breakfast club or pay for a school lunch.
I've been away with work for a week. The day I got back we had a huge row where he told me that he'd enjoyed being at home alone (my parents had the kids Monday-Friday because of his shifts) because he wasn't "getting criticised permanently". He said he wanted the marriage to be over. We talked and he said that he feels that its my job to all of the household chores and kids activities because I don't work 12 hour shifts and his days off should be complete rest days where he doesn't have to do anything.
I admit, I criticise him for not pulling his weight but I get so frustrated that he can't see the demands of my job and everything I do in the house. He does not understand the concept of "the mental load" at all.
The day after the row I suggested marriage counselling, he said no. I wrote some statements on paper to explain how I feel and what I think I can do to help our marriage. He refused to do the same. He claims that he would be more productive in the house if he could move to day shifts, but that would be a drop in wages that we can't really afford. He blamed me for this because we want to do home improvements and he said they're my idea so its my fault we can't afford the drop in wages.
I don't really know where to go from here - it doesn't matter how I try to communicate or phrase it, what language I use - he doesn't seem to understand my feelings. Now I'm really worried that at any point he might just decide to walk out. I love him very much but part of me thinks that if I was on my own it would be easier - I'd still be doing all of the work but the frustration would be less.

OP posts:
Ginmonkeyagain · 30/11/2023 09:09

12 hour shifts ar enot really an excuse not to do anything. It is not as if you don't work all day as well. We both work 40 plus hours a week (i am freqently out of the house from 8am - 8pm and Mr Monkey works every three weekends in four and late nights (retail), funnily enough we both manage to get household stuff done. Mr Monkey was off yesterday and took in and put away washing and cleared out and tidied one the the kitchen cupboards. I am able to WFH today so I am arranging and waiting in for someone to fix a broken window lock.

Lampzade · 30/11/2023 09:10

Op, the truth is your husband is a lazy , selfish fucker and a misogynist

GatherlyGal · 30/11/2023 09:11

Good point @Sunshineandflipflops about the resentment. It must take a huge amount of mental energy feeling resentful and frustrated with a person you live with.

If you separate your house is your responsibility and you'll have 2 kids instead of 3 to look after. At the very least you'll get some breaks while he has the kids. Realistically every other w/e rather than some kind of 50:50 but still.

SwordToFlamethrower · 30/11/2023 09:11

Wow isn't it great when the trash takes itself out!

You'll have a much nicer life with less mess and less to do.

Ask him to not let the door slam on his way out.

Sholkedabemus · 30/11/2023 09:15

It’s not just the mental load though, is it? Basically you both work full time but he thinks everything, other than his job, is your responsibility. EVERYTHING!

JumpingDizzy · 30/11/2023 09:18

Wow what a catch. Honestly I'd be rubbing my hands in glee that he was going.
You need to stop trying to appease this lazy misogynistic fuckwit.

greencheetah · 30/11/2023 09:23

He’s taking the piss

Nanny0gg · 30/11/2023 09:34

There's nothing to save.

And your children can see the disrespect.

C8H10N4O2 · 30/11/2023 09:43

LouKJ · 29/11/2023 16:51

Thank you to everyone for responding. It's a really difficult situation and I 100% know that it isn't completely his fault - I am guilty of always taking on too much and I am definitely more critical than I should be, which I am trying to work on. I am open to the idea of him changing to day shifts if it truly is a reason for his current mood and behaviour. He thinks that I'm opposed to the idea of him changing because of the money but it's honestly not that. He plays golf, he likes to go for a midweek drink with his dad and he likes to play xbox for hours on his day off. I don't mind any of this because it occurs on his days off when I'm working and the children are in school. If he was to change to day shifts I think he would find it difficult never having the house to himself (I know what that feels like!) and not being able to golf in midweek or to game for hours in peace. I don't think it would be long before he got fed up of it and as he's never worked days I'm not sure he appreciates how quickly the weekends go! He's used to 4 or 5 days off at a time. However, its not me working the long shifts so I do accept that its his decision. In terms of the house improvements, it was something we both wanted to do and although I can live without them I feel like our priorities are different. He says we can't afford the extra mortgage, but we pay around £400 a month for his brand new car which I'm sure we could reduce drastically if we wanted to and that would go towards extra mortgage payments.
I do think he is showing signs of some poor mental health at the moment but its hard when he doesn't want to talk. Despite the issues I don't want to give up on us yet, 18 years is a lot of time and history to throw away without trying to save it.

So basically he is quite comfy with his night shift life as it means he doesn't lift a finger elsewhere and then tries to blame it all on you for renovations which you both want! He can find the money for spending which suits him on a car.

He's taking the piss.

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 30/11/2023 09:54

Leave him first.

wherethewildtbingsgo · 30/11/2023 09:57

He sounds like an utter prick. Selfish, mean, lazy. Why on earth would you want to stay married to him? If he won't engage,
Won't see your side, isn't interested in your feelings...what's the point?

lilyandrosa · 30/11/2023 10:11

I don’t get why people are so quick to tell you to leave your marriage, like it’s perfectly easy after nearly 20 years together and 2 kids.

Honestly wouldn’t it be better to work on things and keep a family together, than have the same workload anyway as a single parent? Then you’ve eventually got the prospect of dating again, and how do you know that man is going to pull his weight anyway?

Maelil01 · 30/11/2023 10:12

jsku · 29/11/2023 13:30

Divorced person here. So my perspective is more of seeing both sides of outcomes - rather than ‘you deserve better’ sort of approach that is based on emotion not reality.

Life with kids and work is tough and draining. And if a marriage isn’t working as a team - resentments pile up.
You are tired. Rightly so. And frustrated. He doesn’t try to understand how you feel. Not great.
However (and you won’t like hearing this bit) - you are also not trying to listen or understand him.
He works nights? Or mixed shifts? - by all accounts - and there is a lot of research on that - that pattern of work is extremely draining and even reduces life expectancy.
Living with a partner who constantly berates you isn’t great either.

What you are not doing as a couple is listening to each other and making joint decisions and compromises.
You told him what you can do to help marriage. He told you as well - day shifts would make him less tired and more able to do his share. The compromise is delaying home improvements.
You can’t always get it all in the way you prefer. People and resources have limitations.

Yes - you can of course divorce. But in practical terms that matter to you - your life would not improve. Most likely you’d have to sell your place and both get much smaller places. He would not have kids 50/50 - and there is no way of forcing him to. You’ll still be carrying as much load - all with a lot less money and more misery.

You said you love him. In that case - it sounds like there is something to fight for - or work on in this marriage.
Divorce is always an option, obv. But I do think it is the last step after you tried all the other steps.

Bravo!
Some common sense at last on here

theemmadilemma · 30/11/2023 10:12

jsku · 29/11/2023 13:30

Divorced person here. So my perspective is more of seeing both sides of outcomes - rather than ‘you deserve better’ sort of approach that is based on emotion not reality.

Life with kids and work is tough and draining. And if a marriage isn’t working as a team - resentments pile up.
You are tired. Rightly so. And frustrated. He doesn’t try to understand how you feel. Not great.
However (and you won’t like hearing this bit) - you are also not trying to listen or understand him.
He works nights? Or mixed shifts? - by all accounts - and there is a lot of research on that - that pattern of work is extremely draining and even reduces life expectancy.
Living with a partner who constantly berates you isn’t great either.

What you are not doing as a couple is listening to each other and making joint decisions and compromises.
You told him what you can do to help marriage. He told you as well - day shifts would make him less tired and more able to do his share. The compromise is delaying home improvements.
You can’t always get it all in the way you prefer. People and resources have limitations.

Yes - you can of course divorce. But in practical terms that matter to you - your life would not improve. Most likely you’d have to sell your place and both get much smaller places. He would not have kids 50/50 - and there is no way of forcing him to. You’ll still be carrying as much load - all with a lot less money and more misery.

You said you love him. In that case - it sounds like there is something to fight for - or work on in this marriage.
Divorce is always an option, obv. But I do think it is the last step after you tried all the other steps.

This, I hear you loud and clear, but there's nothing about how he feels bar he feels he's being berated and has pressure to earn enough. Nothing about how you would address that for him, as well as address your issues?

12 hour shifts must be fucking draining.

GatherlyGal · 30/11/2023 10:16

12 hour shifts are draining @theemmadilemma but he sometimes has 4 or 5 days off in a row and still does nothing but play golf and spend the day gaming.

We know how he feels - he thinks running the house and looking after the kids is OP's responsibility.

ladyvimes · 30/11/2023 10:17

I stopped doing things and just expected my dh to do them and to be fair he did.
Marriage needs to be an equal partnership and it doesn’t sound like your dh is willing to compromise. You have to decide if this is worth it or not.

AnaMRT · 30/11/2023 10:18

You are taking way too much of the physical and mental load. If he really believes that you should be doing the housework, life admin and cooking etc.. then you shouldn’t be working. The parent that’s at home does all that alone. If you are both working then the chores and life admin should be spill 50/50. You can’t work and do it all yourself. Well you can because you are doing it. Then what’s the point of the relationship? Then you might as well be on your own and not have an extra kid to tell what to do. He is so entitled it’s unbelievable. When I was a stay at home mum I did everything but when I went back to work it’s more equal. There are certain jobs we both hate. He hates doing the washing up so I always do it but he regularly changes all the bedsheets, takes the bins out etc. My husband also works 12 hr shifts 7 on and 7 days off. On his week off he has a couple of days rest but does all the school runs and does a massive tidy up (like pulling the sofa out to sweep etc). I also work 12 hr shifts but only 3 days a week. Initially he also found it hard to adjust but we had a couple of serious talks and I told him I can’t manage. If he lived on his own and had the kids on the weekends or half the time he would still have to do chores for himself and the kids. It’s called being a grown up.

LeRougeEtLeNoir · 30/11/2023 10:18

theemmadilemma · 30/11/2023 10:12

This, I hear you loud and clear, but there's nothing about how he feels bar he feels he's being berated and has pressure to earn enough. Nothing about how you would address that for him, as well as address your issues?

12 hour shifts must be fucking draining.

Show quote history

Amazing though how women who work shifts, like nurses or doctors or simply factory workers etc… can manage those 12 hours shifts and STILL take care of the house, the dcs etc etc…

Yes 12 hours shift are tiring. He is also getting more days off during the week.
This doesn’t explain the total disrespect towards his wife or him thinking it’s ok to do nothing at all etc….

dottiedodah · 30/11/2023 10:19

He is not engaging properly with you at all.He obviously feels his life would be stress free without the confines of wife/DC .However he would soon be 100% on it on his own! He sounds unreasonable ,but night shifts are hard on everyone really ,and maybe he is too tired to see the problems .I am not excusing him at all,just saying maybe a rethink might help matters . If he is not going to budge then just look into your options ,and see how you would cope financially alone .You may feel better with just yourself and DC to look after

rogueone · 30/11/2023 10:21

Sounds like his threat of divorce is to get you back in your box. Your trying to resolve everything but in short he isn't interested in anything changing apart from you being quiet about everything he expects you to do.

So the choice is yours, divorce him or stay and be quiet

JumalanTerve · 30/11/2023 10:24

Because it's easy to tell a stranger to break up her family. None of the people telling her to do this are really thinking about the OP, they just want to display righteous anger. It's insane to suggest the OP pulls the plug without at least trying to resolve the issues

OppaDoppaDoo · 30/11/2023 10:27

How is the OP meant to work on the marriage if he is refusing to have counselling or change in any way. He has checked out. You can't fight for any relationship without the other person wanting to be part of it.

She has 3 kids here, him leaving will ease the load even if it has an impact on finances.

CHRIS003 · 30/11/2023 10:28

LouKJ · 29/11/2023 11:24

We've been together 18 years, married for 15, two children. He works 12 hour shifts, I work weekdays 8.30-5.
I do the vast majority of the household load, including cooking, cleaning, washing, plus I do all of the kids activities and school stuff. He doesn't have any of the apps for school info, wouldn't even know how to book breakfast club or pay for a school lunch.
I've been away with work for a week. The day I got back we had a huge row where he told me that he'd enjoyed being at home alone (my parents had the kids Monday-Friday because of his shifts) because he wasn't "getting criticised permanently". He said he wanted the marriage to be over. We talked and he said that he feels that its my job to all of the household chores and kids activities because I don't work 12 hour shifts and his days off should be complete rest days where he doesn't have to do anything.
I admit, I criticise him for not pulling his weight but I get so frustrated that he can't see the demands of my job and everything I do in the house. He does not understand the concept of "the mental load" at all.
The day after the row I suggested marriage counselling, he said no. I wrote some statements on paper to explain how I feel and what I think I can do to help our marriage. He refused to do the same. He claims that he would be more productive in the house if he could move to day shifts, but that would be a drop in wages that we can't really afford. He blamed me for this because we want to do home improvements and he said they're my idea so its my fault we can't afford the drop in wages.
I don't really know where to go from here - it doesn't matter how I try to communicate or phrase it, what language I use - he doesn't seem to understand my feelings. Now I'm really worried that at any point he might just decide to walk out. I love him very much but part of me thinks that if I was on my own it would be easier - I'd still be doing all of the work but the frustration would be less.

He could try the day shifts and see how it goes ?
Only he knows what his workload is like - nights are exhausting and if you have done them for years the effect of this builds up.
Is there an option for you to do less hours ? Then you would have more time to attend to things at home. I would imagine if you don't finish til 5.30pm and he goes on nights the evenings must be a rush particularly if you have kids activities too?
What about the grandparents - are they local ? Maybe they could take the kids for breaks so you and dh can have some time together - or help they out with activities / school runs for you ?

wherethewildtbingsgo · 30/11/2023 10:36

JumalanTerve · 30/11/2023 10:24

Because it's easy to tell a stranger to break up her family. None of the people telling her to do this are really thinking about the OP, they just want to display righteous anger. It's insane to suggest the OP pulls the plug without at least trying to resolve the issues

She has tried. She's come back off being away and instead of saying "I miss you and I appreciate everything you do for me" he's said he wants a divorce and enjoyed being on his own so he wasn't moaned at. He's refusing to talk to her or have counselling. He clearly doesn't support her in any way, practically or emotionally and is emotionally unavailable.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 30/11/2023 10:41

You can´t convince somebody to stay in a relationship with you.

And it may very well be easier for you to divorce.
You may even end up getting one entire day of rest every once in a while (provided he´ll want contact with the children).

This will be too late for you, but for anybody else reading this: There are apps that can calculate the amount somebody spends with life admin, housework etc. It may be useful to have something like that for a few weeks and compare.

do not forget to include things like: shopping, school pick-ups etc.