Mental load row is going to end marriage

[LouKJ]

We've been together 18 years, married for 15, two children. He works 12 hour shifts, I work weekdays 8.30-5.
I do the vast majority of the household load, including cooking, cleaning, washing, plus I do all of the kids activities and school stuff. He doesn't have any of the apps for school info, wouldn't even know how to book breakfast club or pay for a school lunch.
I've been away with work for a week. The day I got back we had a huge row where he told me that he'd enjoyed being at home alone (my parents had the kids Monday-Friday because of his shifts) because he wasn't "getting criticised permanently". He said he wanted the marriage to be over. We talked and he said that he feels that its my job to all of the household chores and kids activities because I don't work 12 hour shifts and his days off should be complete rest days where he doesn't have to do anything.
I admit, I criticise him for not pulling his weight but I get so frustrated that he can't see the demands of my job and everything I do in the house. He does not understand the concept of "the mental load" at all.
The day after the row I suggested marriage counselling, he said no. I wrote some statements on paper to explain how I feel and what I think I can do to help our marriage. He refused to do the same. He claims that he would be more productive in the house if he could move to day shifts, but that would be a drop in wages that we can't really afford. He blamed me for this because we want to do home improvements and he said they're my idea so its my fault we can't afford the drop in wages.
I don't really know where to go from here - it doesn't matter how I try to communicate or phrase it, what language I use - he doesn't seem to understand my feelings. Now I'm really worried that at any point he might just decide to walk out. I love him very much but part of me thinks that if I was on my own it would be easier - I'd still be doing all of the work but the frustration would be less.

He sounds lovely and very switched on. So nice to hear that. 😊

I think a lot of posters are missing the parts where the husband has refused marriage counselling and refused to change. That only leaves two options for OP. Leave or continue to be ground down until (even more) broken.

"Dont ever underplay the cost of staying when one partner is taken for granted like this."

It also sends a message to the partner who is not stepping up and trying to listen and change that their failure to change is just fine. Nothing is going to change, no one is going to leave, things will keep getting done.

Many people (usually men) in this type of situation will take it even further and have long standing affairs with 3rd parties and other such betrayals. Because they can.

Without any doubt being a single parent can be brutally hard and the change in quality of life can be very substantial. But you do have to ask yourself just how much am I willing to put up with so my children have a comfortable life. Violence? Adultery? Financial manipulation? All of these can take very subtle forms. Some people are so desperate for material comfort they will still accept all of these things.

What a desperately sad future for the OP if he changes his mind about getting divorced. It's very unlikely that a move to days would see him picking up his share of the load. So just years ahead of being dh's housekeeper, being disrespected and worn down by it all. That is really corrosive and will destroy OPs self esteem and for what? The dc will be impacted. Does OP want the same life for her daughter or daughter in law? These are the expectations she is setting for her children. If she stays until the dc have left, she's wasted a huge chunk of her life on someone who isn't at all bothered by that.

Divorce isn't for the faint hearted but the OP is worth far more than what lies ahead staying in a marriage like this.

@AndIStayedInstead wow. You sound like a really strong person and admire you for coming out the other side.

Just because he works 12 hour shifts doesn’t immediately take him out of the equation for household chores etc.

I work long shifts too and have 4 kids and do plenty of cooking and cleaning. There’s plenty time. I also have a partner who works 8-5:30 and he does a share of the house running and mental load too. Yes I think mothers tend to take on more naturally but your husband is lazy. He can argue as much as he wants but you have to choose between putting up with living with a lazy man or not

exactly @Kellogg1 - maybe he should be cutting back all of the hours golfing instead and put the money saved towards the house? He has extra he is using elsewhere, such as car loans and golf, just not on the family.

The OP works 12-hour shifts too - paid work, plus household drudgery, plus admin. She doesn't get to have four or five days off to game or play golf.

It's unlikely surely that OP's parents will continue to do DH childcare if they split.

Presumably they would be there to support OP.

This thread is crazy. Some posters just sit around waiting for these threads so they can pounce - they've got nothing better to do than goad women into breaking up their families.

It's sick and wicked behaviour.

The OP herself acknowledges she hasn't been perfect. The problem with a lot of marriages is that counselling is suggested way too late. This should have been nipped in the bud way sooner before her husband's resentment built up to the point he's feeling like he doesn't want to go for counselling. Constant criticism would ground anybody down and make you fall out of love with that person. Instead of constant criticism which is obviously not having the desired effect since you're having to keep nagging (!) sit down as a couple and actuallybget to the bottom of the issue. If needs be, go straight to counselling so a third party can help get to the bottom of the issue and actually agree actions together to solve it.

What do you think the OP should do now? Not what should she have done earlier, but next steps.

I think the golfing/hobbies/car etc has been him checking out because he hasn't felt happy in the marriage. Ideally what should have been happening is that he uses the time while the kids are at school on his rest days to rest/sleep/do hobbies then pitch in during the evenings with housework/children . And not buy that brand new car.

In some ways it's no one's fault because both parents working intense full time jobs isn't conducive to happy family life anyway. Each person needs downtime to feel sane plus the responsibilities of children and housework is just too much. It's much better having one person doing thr intense full time job and the other parent doing thebwork that needs to be done at home I.e. primary carer for the kids and managing the household (which is more important than any job outside the home in any case).

@Brakken before you start telling everyone on the thread they are "wicked" you might want to try reading it. OP has said he is refusing to change or go to therapy and it is him that has said he wants to leave the relationship.

Some MNers may be gung ho about telling women to leave their marriages, but nobody upends their life like that because an Internet random told them to. Far, far more women stay unhappily married than walk out on a happy, functional relationship because of what MN said about an isolated incident.

Do you not think that DH has any responsibility for keeping the marriage alive, that's it's ok if he just "checks out" because he is not happy?
OP is not responsible for how he is feeling. If he doesn't like being "nagged", he could have sat down and talked about sharing duties and maybe he could have suggested counselling before he got too resentful to do it.
I don't think people should walk away too easily from marriages but it's DH who wants to leave, not OP, and if he is not prepared to consider her suggestions now, I am not sure what else she can do.

You must have missed the part of the op where she said her husband wants the marriage to be over.

If This should have been nipped in the bud way sooner before her husband's resentment built up to the point he's feeling like he doesn't want to go for counselling, don’t you think it’s also true it should have been nipped in the bud way sooner, before the OP got so resentful of carrying tte whole mental load and started ‘nagging’.

Why is it always women that are responsible for keeping the relationship going, sorting out problems etc… before poor man gets so resentful?

<sigh>
He won't go to counselling...

Thank you.

It has been hard. Lots of years unlearning my own conditioning telling me to be ‘nice’.
And that my needs are just as valuable as anyone else.

Constant criticism would ground anybody down and make you fall out of love with that person.

The thing is people rarely start with criticising constantly (and I actually doubt that’s what is happening here anyway).
The criticising ‘constantly’ comes when one person express their problem and isn’t listened in the first place. So of course the problem doesn’t get resolved and the person is bringing it again.
Its much too easy for the person who isn’t listening, who isn’t respectful of the efforts made by their partner to then say ‘it’s a personal attack. She is constantly criticising me’ instead of addressing their shortcomings.

Maybe he should have listened all those years ago and pull his socks back up and actually start being a real partner in the marriage. He wouldn’t have ended up in a situation where he feels criticised all the time then….

The problem is, even with the best negotiating skills in the world, when someone refuses to do something, you can’t make them. And he is SAYING he isn’t going to take on any of the mental load…
Tbh god forbid something happens to the OP because the children would have a pretty shit time…..

You both sound as if youre living exhausting 'work work work' lives. No wonder you're frustrated with each other. When do you get to spend quality time with your children/do they get quality time with dad? Unless all this work is making you minted, I'd drop some hours. Maybe you'd have to buy less "stuff" or put the house extension on hold but so what? You need time together or you'll grow too far apart.

OP:
"He plays golf, he likes to go for a midweek drink with his dad and he likes to play xbox for hours on his day off."
"He's used to 4 or 5 days off at a time."

DeeCee:
"You both sound as if youre living exhausting 'work work work' lives."

Eh?! Are you reading a different thread?
The OP's life may be 'work work work', but his most certainly isn't!

Bottom line is that he's telling you he doesn't want to work on the marriage and isn't interested in understanding how you feel. Why do you want to stay married to this man?

This

How would you manage financially if you separate/divorce? Would that be worse than the current situation? Just things to consider before ending your marriage.