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Original poster

Having no money of my own

133 replies

Mama07 · 28/11/2023 19:48

Help- how can I get my partner to understand how it feels to have NO money of my own.

We have 2 children, partner works full time and I do not work. We get a very small amount of UC but if I was to work we wouldn't get any UC.

We currently pay for our 2 year olds nursery as we arent entilted to the 2 year funding and our 3 year old gets the 15 hours funding. So any job I would get could only be 3 hours a morning 4 days a week (I've been looking but this is impossible to find).

We don't NEED the extra money from me working but here is the problem. Any time I spend money on an event to go to or something like that I get moaned at because it's his money or its his money that has to pay for the fuel or its his money that has to pay for the parking ect. I've suggested an evening job but he said I can't because we wouldn't get any time together and he doesnt want to look after the kids after a hard day at work, I suggested a weekend job but he said I can't because he works some weekends and he would earn way more than me, I suggested getting a job during the day but explained we would have to pay more nursery hours to fit around a job (we wouldn't be entitled to the 85% back funding) so he said no as he doesn't want to pay more nursery hours just so I can have some of my own money. This means there isn't any time I can work and earn my own money.

I've tried explaining that he has no idea how it feels to have none of your own money and get moaned at when I want to go to events (maybe 6 times a year) and always hear that it's his money that has to pay for it.

How can I try and explain to him how it feels to have no money of my own and to then get moaned at when I want to go to events?

We just can't seem to get to a middle ground on this.

He said he would be happy to pay me a weekly allowance for parenting but I then explained the weekly allowance would be way more than the amount I'm currently spending on events and that would still be his money.

Just need some advice on where to go from here.

OP posts:
justalittlesnoel · 28/11/2023 19:52

"He said he would be happy to pay me a weekly allowance for parenting but I then explained the weekly allowance would be way more than the amount I'm currently spending on events and that would still be his money."

This sounds like a good idea from him though? He pays you for doing the childcare, you then have your own money. If it's more than the events would cost, then you can save some or spend it on other things you want? It wouldn't be "his money" at that point because he's paid it to do?

It might help him understand the unhelpful comments on his money paying for things and he wouldn't be able to say it because it would be sort of pseudo wages for you?

DiaNaranja · 28/11/2023 19:56

You get an evening/weekend job, and tell him you will be at work X days a week at X times and he needs to ensure he's available to look after the kids. Don't ask... TELL.

Original poster
Mama07 · 28/11/2023 20:06

I did say well what if I get a job from 7pm onwards so I know you'll be home and he said that he wouldn't stick around because we wouldn't get any time together as a couple. And with weekends he said he can earn way more than me on a Saturday so I wouldn't be able to

OP posts:
Original poster
Mama07 · 28/11/2023 20:07

I think he would later down the line still say its come out of his money

OP posts:
B1rd · 28/11/2023 20:09

An equal and loving partnership means you share money. It's not one sided, because that would be incredibly selfish and self centred.

Hibambinos · 28/11/2023 20:11

Find out how much childcare is per hour, then tell him to pay you the rate for caring for the kids. If his answer is no, get a job and leave him with the kids. If he leaves, claim benefits and you’ll have your own cash.

billy1966 · 28/11/2023 20:12

This is controlling and highly abusive.

He is using threats of leaving to prevent you working.

Please call Womens aid.

Coercive control is a crime and he is financially abusing you.

Take that offer of money now.

wineosaurus4 · 28/11/2023 20:12

Why do you send your 2 year old to nursery when you don't work? Just trying to figure out why you'd have that expense if it's not necessary? Sorry if I have picked that up wrong.

CeeceeBloomingdale · 28/11/2023 20:16

This is really not good. Do you claim child benefit? Even if he is over the threshold you should claim it in your name to get your stamp for the state pension and to give you some money of your own. If he is over the limit he needs to do tax returns and the overpay is repaid through his tax code I think. He sounds very controlling though, this is not a healthy relationship.

Tiddlywinkly · 28/11/2023 20:17

Not working when you're not married is a very precarious position to be in. It's worrying that he won't 'let' you work.

isthewashingdryyet · 28/11/2023 20:18

This is wrong on so many levels.
you are incredibly vulnerable if you are not married and don’t have a solid partnership where all contributions to the family are valued.

you contribute care for the children you both made

he contributes money earned that he is free to go out to earn as you look after the children

so he benefits from your labour, so you should benefit from his labour ie the money

what about your personal allowance for personal things like hair cuts and new clothes and shoes ?

fair is that you both have money of your own to spend on what you want and need.

and being financially reliant on a man is never a good idea, so you need to get back to work soon for your own skills and pension, as you ever know when you need to be able to work, as he may get ill, be in a car accident or develop a life limiting illness next week.

Dotcheck · 28/11/2023 20:19

Mama07 · 28/11/2023 20:06

I did say well what if I get a job from 7pm onwards so I know you'll be home and he said that he wouldn't stick around because we wouldn't get any time together as a couple. And with weekends he said he can earn way more than me on a Saturday so I wouldn't be able to

That’s a brilliant bit of emotional manipulation.
This is not a good man- no respect

Original poster
Mama07 · 28/11/2023 20:20

We send our two year to nursery as he is a little delayed with his speech and also was desperate to go in every morning with his brother so he goes to encourage his speech and also because he really wants to :) the money for nursery isn't an issue we have enough to cover that

OP posts:
Original poster
Mama07 · 28/11/2023 20:22

isthewashingdryyet · 28/11/2023 20:18

This is wrong on so many levels.
you are incredibly vulnerable if you are not married and don’t have a solid partnership where all contributions to the family are valued.

you contribute care for the children you both made

he contributes money earned that he is free to go out to earn as you look after the children

so he benefits from your labour, so you should benefit from his labour ie the money

what about your personal allowance for personal things like hair cuts and new clothes and shoes ?

fair is that you both have money of your own to spend on what you want and need.

and being financially reliant on a man is never a good idea, so you need to get back to work soon for your own skills and pension, as you ever know when you need to be able to work, as he may get ill, be in a car accident or develop a life limiting illness next week.

I only get my hair done once a year and clothes/shoes I always ask for for birthday and Christmas :)

OP posts:
Original poster
Mama07 · 28/11/2023 20:23

wineosaurus4 · 28/11/2023 20:12

Why do you send your 2 year old to nursery when you don't work? Just trying to figure out why you'd have that expense if it's not necessary? Sorry if I have picked that up wrong.

We send our two year to nursery as he is a little delayed with his speech and also was desperate to go in every morning with his brother so he goes to encourage his speech and also because he really wants to :) the money for nursery isn't an issue we have enough to cover that

OP posts:
BoobyDazzler · 28/11/2023 20:25

I worked 2 nights a week in a nursing home when our children were small as it meant I had some money myself and could contribute to the bills, etc. It wasn’t easy but it’s what we needed to do at the time.

Farmageddon · 28/11/2023 20:26

We currently pay for our 2 year olds nursery as we arent entilted to the 2 year funding and our 3 year old gets the 15 hours funding. So any job I would get could only be 3 hours a morning 4 days a week (I've been looking but this is impossible to find).

But if you got a full time job OP then childcare costs would be shared by both you and your partner, and the benefits for you (your own money, pension contributions etc.) would be worth it.

I really think you should look to go back to work, and not just for hours that work around free childcare.

Original poster
Mama07 · 28/11/2023 20:27

BoobyDazzler · 28/11/2023 20:25

I worked 2 nights a week in a nursing home when our children were small as it meant I had some money myself and could contribute to the bills, etc. It wasn’t easy but it’s what we needed to do at the time.

He said I can't work evenings as we wouldn't get time together

OP posts:
villagelife1992 · 28/11/2023 20:29

Why not pay for two full days nursery rather than mornings. You could then get a job those two days a week.

jolies1 · 28/11/2023 20:29

Could you work part time 2 days a week when DC both at nursery for some personal money and to get back into the workforce? Like a 9-1 or 10-2 retail job? Is it a drastically different cost putting 2 yo in 2 full days?

bonzaitree · 28/11/2023 20:31

A man who threatens to leave if you get a job is not a man you want in your life.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 28/11/2023 20:31

Did you work pre kids?

To be reliant on a man financially is dangerous.

Personally I would get a job, do what the rest of working parents do (kids go to nursery/cm) and start planning on how you're going to get your awful partner to leave.

HewasH2O · 28/11/2023 20:31

What do you do on these evenings together? Who puts the children to bed and does bath time? Who cooks dinner & clears up afterwards? I expect you do more than a 50:50 split.

Crikeyalmighty · 28/11/2023 20:33

I would look at 2 full days nursery and get a job -

Is the UC money and child benefit not coming to you- ? If so how much would that be because if it isn't I would be making sure it did

BoobyDazzler · 28/11/2023 20:33

Mama07 · 28/11/2023 20:27

He said I can't work evenings as we wouldn't get time together

Show quote history

Well you’d have 5 of 7 evenings together if you only did a couple of shifts, and you’d have a grand at least to yourself a month.

If he won’t let you work at all he sounds like a controlling arsehole and you’d be better off kicking him to the curb and going your own way.