Having no money of my own

[Mama07]

Help- how can I get my partner to understand how it feels to have NO money of my own.

We have 2 children, partner works full time and I do not work. We get a very small amount of UC but if I was to work we wouldn't get any UC.

We currently pay for our 2 year olds nursery as we arent entilted to the 2 year funding and our 3 year old gets the 15 hours funding. So any job I would get could only be 3 hours a morning 4 days a week (I've been looking but this is impossible to find).

We don't NEED the extra money from me working but here is the problem. Any time I spend money on an event to go to or something like that I get moaned at because it's his money or its his money that has to pay for the fuel or its his money that has to pay for the parking ect. I've suggested an evening job but he said I can't because we wouldn't get any time together and he doesnt want to look after the kids after a hard day at work, I suggested a weekend job but he said I can't because he works some weekends and he would earn way more than me, I suggested getting a job during the day but explained we would have to pay more nursery hours to fit around a job (we wouldn't be entitled to the 85% back funding) so he said no as he doesn't want to pay more nursery hours just so I can have some of my own money. This means there isn't any time I can work and earn my own money.

I've tried explaining that he has no idea how it feels to have none of your own money and get moaned at when I want to go to events (maybe 6 times a year) and always hear that it's his money that has to pay for it.

How can I try and explain to him how it feels to have no money of my own and to then get moaned at when I want to go to events?

We just can't seem to get to a middle ground on this.

He said he would be happy to pay me a weekly allowance for parenting but I then explained the weekly allowance would be way more than the amount I'm currently spending on events and that would still be his money.

Just need some advice on where to go from here.

Controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour and you are absolutely in such a relationship with this man. He wants absolute powers and control over you here. Giving you a parenting allowance is also demeaning to you. I would assume too he gets his haircut far more than once a year nor does he wait for birthday or Christmas to ask for clothes.

He will also likely sabotage any and all
attempts you make to get back into the workplace.

how can you be helped here into leaving your abuser?. Your children cannot afford to grow up thinking their dad’s behaviour is at all normal here. Do also read Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft and contact Womens Aid. There is no good future for you and your kids in this relationship.

I was thinking the same, why oh why don't mothers teach their daughters to beware of this trap?

There is only one scenario that makes this set up fair. The bills are paid and the remaining money is split equally between you. You are both contributing EQUALLY to the household, only his contribution attracts a salary and yours does not. He shares the fruits of your labour (childcare and domestics), so you should get to share his. You are setting yourself up for a lifetime of financial disparity. This is financial abuse.

This makes such depressing reading, wtf are you putting up with this OP?
He could walk out at any moment leaving you completely in the sh1t. He clearly thinks you’re there to do as he says, you are in an incredible vulnerable position, he could leave you with nothing. Then what would you do?

Take the money he offered for now, then from April you’ll be entitled to the new 15 hours funding for the 2 year old so plan your return to work around that?

You absolutely have to make some changes here. Your situation is awful. Not married and not allowed to work and not allowed to spend any money.

He is absolutely abusing financially coercively abusing her.

If she calls Women's aid they will support her.

If she walks into a police station she can ask for advice about Coercive abuse.

He is committing a crime.

The OP is clearly very vulnerable.

I have no doubt he rules by her fear.

Hopefully she will reach out fot help.

Her GP too could help.

@Mama07 sorry to hear that, 😔
I’m assuming that’s because you don’t rent i would go onto entitled to and double check just in case.

if it’s any help to you I work in the evenings myself and some day shifts as I work in hospitality when my husband isnt in work himself you can absolutely work weekends and evenings I’m sorry your in this situation and it absolutely should be your choice when and if you work.

everybody should have their independence and you shouldn’t have this much hassle if you spend family money. I think sit down with your husband and be more assertive and say your going to do something that way it shouldn’t be up for debate as it’s really not his decision.

I hope things get better for you and as other posters have said it’s controlling behaviour and it is holding you back.

Child benefit needs to be paid to an account in your name so you get the state pension credits.

you are really vulnerable here, no state pension is unthinkable

@fridaynight1 I'm sorry but my child's current nursery arrangements is not effecting this at all. Also both my 2 year old and 3 year old love nursery, they enjoy getting to socialise with their little friends, they enjoy all the different activities they get to do at school that they wouldn't be able to do at home like looking after the chickens they have and looking after the allotments and growing fruit and veg as well as all the other activities. And they probably also quite like the break from home life. Not to mention my 3 year old is nearly 4 and in September will be going to infant school so its good to prepare him and get him into a routine and used to being in a class environment. I will not be taking them out of nursery when they both enjoy it so much.

Sometimes I also need a bit of a break too. If they wasn't at nursery I would have them 24/7 and not be able to even drink a coffee without getting climbed on and asked to do a million a things.

Get a job. Just do it. Agree with the suggestion of putting both kids in 2 days at the nursery.

The thing is that having children is like a game of chicken. It's all very well saying she should just get a job and he doesn't get to tell her what to do, but if he refuses to step up then she is trapped.

As soon as a child is born it needs to be looked after - there's no choice in the matter. She is literally holding the baby, he can and does walk out to work and she is forced to do it. If she stops, the child suffers and at worst, dies. It is a massively high stakes game with the cards all stacked in his favour.

I increasingly think that the solution is for women to simply stop having children.

In OP's case I would think the only way out of this trap will be to leave this abusive man, claim UC and childcare costs and try to claw her way back to a working life of independence that way.

Posters saying he will have to do 50/50 are delusional if they think a man like this will do anything approaching 50/50.

It's very difficult to accept that having sole responsibility for the children will fall to one parent and there's absolutely nothing she can do about it - it goes against everything we learn about fairness when we are growing up and the sense of injustice can take your breath away.

Exactly this. Its alright every one saying just do it and just get a job but if he doesn't come home to watch them then I wouldn't be able to go to work as I can't just leave them

You need to leave him then.

He'll need to pay maintenance unless he has them 50/50 and then you can go to work and sort child care.

I'm concerned at the amount of posters that have pointed out the abuse and control of what is going on, and yet the OP doesn't seem to have responded to any of the advice given in relation to it. Please take notice of what these ladies are saying.

First thing you need to do is realise the situation that you're in, or nothing will change.

Thinking of you.

I'm concerned at the number of posters that have pointed out the abuse and control of what is going on, and yet the OP doesn't seem to have responded to any of the advice given in relation to it.

Indeed.

@Mama07 - what is your actual plan to get out of this mess? Have you considered that...

... the only way out of this trap will be to leave this abusive man, claim UC and childcare costs and try to claw her way back to a working life of independence that way.

I realize this must seem incredibly scary, but ultimately you - and your children! - will be so much better off if you were to be brave and leave your abuser.

Assuming you're not married, why on earth did you even consider not working. You have zero protection. It shocks me everytime I read about these situations. I am married and I would never ever consider not working. You need to work in the evenings and weekends, if you can't cover daytime childcare costs. And you need to get yourself in a financial position to be able to leave, he sounds awful.

You would benefit from speaking to Women's aid for their take on your relationship.

You are being very very tightly controlled and it is a crime.

I perfectly understand that you do not feel in danger but you are being abused.

I also understand your wanting to keep the children where they are in nursey.

That doesn't stop you reaching out quietly for help as you try and figure out your options.

Tell family and friends the truth to start with, having called Women's aid gkr advice and support.

@OhamIreally yep and it's all very well people say just leave- to go where? If you aren't working then the chances of getting a private rental are zilch and if people say 'refuge' - not all women feel comfortable with that option either unless things are really bad and you are at risk of physical harm etc .

Make sure your contraception is rock solid.

^^ This!

I have every sympathy for you op, your dh is not behaving properly, and he can “tell” you what to do but you don’t need to listen when you don’t have any money!

Ask yourself, seriously, “why do I need his permission?”

So just take up one option of work (evening or weekend) and don’t discuss it just do it. If he doesn’t “stick around” then that’s his choice.

Good luck!

Ducks in a row time - I agree with others to call Women's Aid, and I would also maybe see someone from Citizens Advice. Take your 'allowance' and start saving, ideally into an account where there's minimal trace and where all transactions are done via an app ( I can recommend Chip). Does he have access to your computer / device? If so then start regularly deleting your internet history. Also start strengthening your support network of friends and family - you and your children may need somewhere safe to sleep soon, as well as financial and emotional support.

You won't ever find the middle ground here because he is a twat and won't ever change. I bet he's also squirrelling away loads of his income somewhere - money that morally is also yours and your children's.

He isn't putting any money away anywhere else, I have all the banking apps ect. I just get moaned at and it turns into an argument any time I want to spend money for an event or go and do something. But yes i do completely get everything else you are saying

I don't understand why anyone would not work - get out and earn your own cash.

Never be reliant on anyone. Ever. It just breeds frustration.

This is the problem @Mama07 unfortunately when people have kids without marriage. The whole point of marriage is you've both pledged to share your lives together, including financially. You need this real foundation (not just words) between the two of you, before bringing kids into it. If men don't want to commit and get married, it's very telling and should be enough to send the woman running the opposite direction.

Would he agree to get married now ? Just a simple inexpensive wedding.