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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Having no money of my own

133 replies

Mama07 · 28/11/2023 19:48

Help- how can I get my partner to understand how it feels to have NO money of my own.

We have 2 children, partner works full time and I do not work. We get a very small amount of UC but if I was to work we wouldn't get any UC.

We currently pay for our 2 year olds nursery as we arent entilted to the 2 year funding and our 3 year old gets the 15 hours funding. So any job I would get could only be 3 hours a morning 4 days a week (I've been looking but this is impossible to find).

We don't NEED the extra money from me working but here is the problem. Any time I spend money on an event to go to or something like that I get moaned at because it's his money or its his money that has to pay for the fuel or its his money that has to pay for the parking ect. I've suggested an evening job but he said I can't because we wouldn't get any time together and he doesnt want to look after the kids after a hard day at work, I suggested a weekend job but he said I can't because he works some weekends and he would earn way more than me, I suggested getting a job during the day but explained we would have to pay more nursery hours to fit around a job (we wouldn't be entitled to the 85% back funding) so he said no as he doesn't want to pay more nursery hours just so I can have some of my own money. This means there isn't any time I can work and earn my own money.

I've tried explaining that he has no idea how it feels to have none of your own money and get moaned at when I want to go to events (maybe 6 times a year) and always hear that it's his money that has to pay for it.

How can I try and explain to him how it feels to have no money of my own and to then get moaned at when I want to go to events?

We just can't seem to get to a middle ground on this.

He said he would be happy to pay me a weekly allowance for parenting but I then explained the weekly allowance would be way more than the amount I'm currently spending on events and that would still be his money.

Just need some advice on where to go from here.

OP posts:

PaminaMozart · 29/11/2023 15:54

Mama07 · 29/11/2023 13:28

He isn't putting any money away anywhere else, I have all the banking apps ect. I just get moaned at and it turns into an argument any time I want to spend money for an event or go and do something. But yes i do completely get everything else you are saying

Show quote history

You seem to be focusing on getting a little spending money!

Why are you ignoring the bigger issues - your dangerous vulnerability, both financial and otherwise, plus his controlling behaviour which has resulted in you having no agency at all...

Katy123456 · 29/11/2023 16:00

I'm sorry to say but I personally wouldn't be in a relationship like that. I'd say something has to change and we need to come up with a way to manage our finances together - joint account for needed stuff, same amount to spend on other stuff. Get him to explain why he thinks that can't happen.

Dweetfidilove · 29/11/2023 16:15

Peachtails · 29/11/2023 11:03

I'm concerned at the amount of posters that have pointed out the abuse and control of what is going on, and yet the OP doesn't seem to have responded to any of the advice given in relation to it. Please take notice of what these ladies are saying.

First thing you need to do is realise the situation that you're in, or nothing will change.

Thinking of you.

It is concerning. Somewhat indicative of all those times an OP comes to MN to seek advice on a particular thing and realise they have a MUCH bigger problem than they realise.

I imagine this realisation comes with a bit of shock at how bad it is, followed by being paralysed by fear.

Hopefully the OP will soon digest this and start taking steps to change her circumstances 🤞🏾

Channellingsophistication · 29/11/2023 19:56

You are in a vulnerable position in that you are not married and not working.

Your partner is not allowing you to work so therefore he is controlling what you are doing and not allowing you to make your own decisions. That is not right.

Theonlywayisup1 · 30/11/2023 07:17

Could you look at getting a work from home job? Something you could do whilst you have the children with you? I’d potentially be looking at training in something as well, there are plenty of courses you can do from home.

There are plenty of things you could do OP. Buying & selling. Look at things being offered for free in your area that you can upcycle and sell on for a profit.

boobot1 · 30/11/2023 07:26

Mama07 · 28/11/2023 20:06

I did say well what if I get a job from 7pm onwards so I know you'll be home and he said that he wouldn't stick around because we wouldn't get any time together as a couple. And with weekends he said he can earn way more than me on a Saturday so I wouldn't be able to

Just like to point out its not 'his' money, its family money and belongs to you as much as him. I didnt work while my son was small, I had access to all money and spent it as I saw fit. My husband would never dream of questioning that. You need to put your foot down.

lemmein · 30/11/2023 07:39

Do you have any family support OP?

You need to get away from this man - maybe not today, but start planning- don't let this be your life forever.

If you were my daughter I'd be sorting out a bedroom for you. A controlling man like this is rarely only an arsehole in one area - I suspect if you engage more with posters it'll become clear he's abusive in other areas too.

I really feel for you, I honestly couldn't live like this. If you have access to the banking why are you even listening to him? What would happen if you completely ignored his moaning and treat the money as family cash, as it should be?

He has zero respect for you.

ConflictedCheetah · 30/11/2023 07:45

I'm not sure why you're paying for 2 year Old's nursery from child benefit when it's the only money that is yours. The children are his too. Why isn't that cost coming out of the family money (his money)?

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