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Original poster

Having no money of my own

133 replies

Mama07 · 28/11/2023 19:48

Help- how can I get my partner to understand how it feels to have NO money of my own.

We have 2 children, partner works full time and I do not work. We get a very small amount of UC but if I was to work we wouldn't get any UC.

We currently pay for our 2 year olds nursery as we arent entilted to the 2 year funding and our 3 year old gets the 15 hours funding. So any job I would get could only be 3 hours a morning 4 days a week (I've been looking but this is impossible to find).

We don't NEED the extra money from me working but here is the problem. Any time I spend money on an event to go to or something like that I get moaned at because it's his money or its his money that has to pay for the fuel or its his money that has to pay for the parking ect. I've suggested an evening job but he said I can't because we wouldn't get any time together and he doesnt want to look after the kids after a hard day at work, I suggested a weekend job but he said I can't because he works some weekends and he would earn way more than me, I suggested getting a job during the day but explained we would have to pay more nursery hours to fit around a job (we wouldn't be entitled to the 85% back funding) so he said no as he doesn't want to pay more nursery hours just so I can have some of my own money. This means there isn't any time I can work and earn my own money.

I've tried explaining that he has no idea how it feels to have none of your own money and get moaned at when I want to go to events (maybe 6 times a year) and always hear that it's his money that has to pay for it.

How can I try and explain to him how it feels to have no money of my own and to then get moaned at when I want to go to events?

We just can't seem to get to a middle ground on this.

He said he would be happy to pay me a weekly allowance for parenting but I then explained the weekly allowance would be way more than the amount I'm currently spending on events and that would still be his money.

Just need some advice on where to go from here.

OP posts:
Noicant · 28/11/2023 21:22

OP you don’t need his permission to work. It’s important that you understand that you don’t need his permission for anything.

Precipice · 28/11/2023 21:26

We don't NEED the extra money from me working but here is the problem. Yes, you do, OP. You have no money. You have no money now and you face a future of no money to come, since you are not paying into a pension and you have no personal savings, given that you don't have money. This is an incredibly precarious position to be in.

/He/ doesn't need the extra money from you working, but you do.

It doesn't seem that there can be middle ground, because he sounds controlling and misogynistic.

determinedtomakethiswork · 28/11/2023 21:29

Basically you are living like a slave. In your position I would move out. I would get a part-time job and I would claim benefits and I would claim child support. I really don't think I would continue the relationship with my slave master.

LoudSnoringDog · 28/11/2023 21:31

This is so fucking depressing and controlling

Original poster
Mama07 · 28/11/2023 21:41

YouTubeIsYourMotherNow · 28/11/2023 20:55

So does this mean that once your 2 year old turns 3 you can work as both would be entitled to at least 30 hours free? How far away is that?

Would he commit to supporting you to upskill/train so you can get a good job once both are in nursery for 30 hours?
Also if you're not married I'd use the time to get my ducks in a row and be on some iron clad contraception so that if he remains unreasonably controlling still then you can make your own way whenever you've had enough.

A year away, the 2 year old hasn't long turned 2

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 28/11/2023 21:43

Take him up on the regular allowance and do not see it as his money. It's family money. He can only earn the family money because you do the childcare. I suspect that if you were to work, he would still do no more house or childcare than he does now, basically because he doesn't want to, he likes you doing it all. You'd be expected to work as well as doing everything else.
It makes him feel the big man to own and have things. He owns you, he has DC's, but beyond that, he's not up for putting any effort in for them, looks like daily employment is his limit and nothing more.
It doesn't matter if he sees the allowance as his, because he is wrong, and once you have it in your control you can use it as you wish. Just get used to ignoring his moans.
Once the DC's are both at school, then see about work ( you could maybe do some education or training up to then to prepare).

greyhairnomore · 28/11/2023 21:45

Noicant · 28/11/2023 21:22

OP you don’t need his permission to work. It’s important that you understand that you don’t need his permission for anything.

Absolutely

Coconutter24 · 28/11/2023 21:48

He doesn’t want to pay extra childcare so that you can go out to work but he’s ok with paying you a ‘weekly allowance’ to keep you at home from earning more money? If he’s willing to pay you then why can’t he put that money towards extra childcare so you can go out an earn money. Sounds like he wants to be in control if I’m honest.

Whattodo112222 · 28/11/2023 21:52

Your situation sounds incredibly depressing OP. Think about it.
Controlling.

Parker231 · 28/11/2023 21:56

Mama07 · 28/11/2023 20:27

He said I can't work evenings as we wouldn't get time together

Show quote history

He doesn’t get to dictate when you work. If you want to work evenings or nights it’s up to you - not him.
Why don’t you have access to family bank accounts? It’s not his money but is family money.

Bahhambug · 28/11/2023 22:04

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

PurpleBugz · 28/11/2023 22:04

I would accept the allowance and see if that improves things. But the best thing of you don't want to use more childcare and work would be you have equal access to the family money- it's not his money your joint. You care for the kids full time that's work.

HOWEVER you are seriously vulnerable if not married. You should work and earn your own money.

I've lived the allowance way of doing it. He actually was happy to look after the kids in the evenings so I could work a bit too. It still fostered resentment.

I'm single now. Have more money because I get child maintenance, child benefit etc. Make my own financial decisions. And I actually have more free time for me as to reduce maintenance ex has to have more overnights.

caringcarer · 28/11/2023 22:06

He doesn't want a partner he just wants free childcare. He refuses to look after DC so you can work. What would he say if you refused to look after DC so he can work? He's selfish. I'd put younger DC in childcare and go back to work full time and then he'd be responsible for paying half of child care fees. If he refused I'd leave him and claim 2 lots of child maintenance from him and as he's made you stay home sacrificing your career for his you'd get a chunk of his pension too.

Crikeyalmighty · 28/11/2023 22:12

@Mama07 as per my previous post Op- are you personally not getting the child benefit and UC into your account? If not, why not?? I'm concerned for you

GoudaThunkIt · 28/11/2023 22:13

OP are you scared of your DP?

Codlingmoths · 28/11/2023 22:14

Take the weekly allowance. Build up a list of responses- ‘ it’s my money’ you: did you enjoy the dinner I cooked for you? Are you wearing the clothes I washed for you? Well they are your children and I do all the caring for them. Aren’t OUR children well cared for and loved! By me obviously, you aren’t around. Some men would be grateful. Some men wouldn’t begrudge their wife a haircut. Some men wouldn’t say you can’t get a job and you can’t spend my money especially as that’s financial abuse. Do you think of yourself as financially abusive or just a massive whiner?
do a response every single time, snap back. In fact, you could preempt. You could hand him his dinner saying you’re a lucky man to have dinner cooked for you. You could sit down with him in the evening saying you’re lucky to have the evenings off, when I start work they will be full of bedtime and washing and cleaning up and admin (which is what ours are like).

butterycrispness · 28/11/2023 22:15

He is an f-ing asshole. Can you dump him? What a f-ing cheek

Derb · 28/11/2023 22:16

wineosaurus4 · 28/11/2023 20:12

Why do you send your 2 year old to nursery when you don't work? Just trying to figure out why you'd have that expense if it's not necessary? Sorry if I have picked that up wrong.

That has no relevance to what the OP is asking and irrelevant

Nospecialcharactersplease · 28/11/2023 22:18

‘He says I can’t…’ - who is he, your partner or your bloody dad?

Get a full time job and put the children in nursery, even if it takes every penny you earn. And never have another child with this bloody man.

JaxiiTaxii · 28/11/2023 22:18

You might not need the money but you definitely need a source of independent income away from this controlling arse.

sixteenfurryfeet · 28/11/2023 22:19

In all my many years on MN this is the most classic case of financial abuse in a relationship I have ever come across.

OP - he is keeping you a prisoner and you are practically enslaved. I am utterly appalled at your situation.

His attitude is despicable.

rootsandwings89 · 28/11/2023 22:22

Please check out the Surviving economic abuse website

JaxiiTaxii · 28/11/2023 22:23

GoudaThunkIt · 28/11/2023 22:13

OP are you scared of your DP?

I wondered this.

Most people would give a resounding 'what the hell?!' at the first 'its my money' when caring for kids & being denied the opportunity to work.

It's worrying.

gemloving · 28/11/2023 22:23

This is very controlling and abusive. Why can't you do what YOU want. This has nothing to do with him. It's a loving relationship. Also, the whole my money patronising you whereas you care for the home and children, that's hard graft with such a tiny age gap. I would consider leaving but try to get a job first as that's easier. It's best for him to not stick around if he wouldn't anyway if you got a job. What am I reading here makes me so sad.

converseandjeans · 28/11/2023 22:23

If you're getting UC then you can't be loaded.

I was going to say you could probably get 30hrs free if you both worked. So the nursery cost wouldn't really go up.

What job did you do before children? I would say you're vulnerable if you have no pension & no say in whether or not you work.

You would be better putting both children in for full days & working those days.

He sounds like a twat.