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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Having no money of my own

133 replies

Mama07 · 28/11/2023 19:48

Help- how can I get my partner to understand how it feels to have NO money of my own.

We have 2 children, partner works full time and I do not work. We get a very small amount of UC but if I was to work we wouldn't get any UC.

We currently pay for our 2 year olds nursery as we arent entilted to the 2 year funding and our 3 year old gets the 15 hours funding. So any job I would get could only be 3 hours a morning 4 days a week (I've been looking but this is impossible to find).

We don't NEED the extra money from me working but here is the problem. Any time I spend money on an event to go to or something like that I get moaned at because it's his money or its his money that has to pay for the fuel or its his money that has to pay for the parking ect. I've suggested an evening job but he said I can't because we wouldn't get any time together and he doesnt want to look after the kids after a hard day at work, I suggested a weekend job but he said I can't because he works some weekends and he would earn way more than me, I suggested getting a job during the day but explained we would have to pay more nursery hours to fit around a job (we wouldn't be entitled to the 85% back funding) so he said no as he doesn't want to pay more nursery hours just so I can have some of my own money. This means there isn't any time I can work and earn my own money.

I've tried explaining that he has no idea how it feels to have none of your own money and get moaned at when I want to go to events (maybe 6 times a year) and always hear that it's his money that has to pay for it.

How can I try and explain to him how it feels to have no money of my own and to then get moaned at when I want to go to events?

We just can't seem to get to a middle ground on this.

He said he would be happy to pay me a weekly allowance for parenting but I then explained the weekly allowance would be way more than the amount I'm currently spending on events and that would still be his money.

Just need some advice on where to go from here.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 28/11/2023 20:33

OK OP think about this...

He says he won't let you work evenings, weekends or during the day. So he's saying you can't work. He's also saying that all the money in the house is his and you aren't allowed to spend it as you wish.

Do you see how those two things can't coexist? He can't not allow you to work and also hoard the money. If you won't leave, I'd give him two choices:

Facilitate you working and earning your OWN money. OR
Shares all money as a family.

If he won't choose, double super leave him.

OkayScooby · 28/11/2023 20:34

Are you joint tenants/both on the house deeds, op?
What pension do you have?
Are you receiving child benefit? As per pp, if you receive this, you at least get credits for your NI contributions.

Original poster
Mama07 · 28/11/2023 20:35

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 28/11/2023 20:31

Did you work pre kids?

To be reliant on a man financially is dangerous.

Personally I would get a job, do what the rest of working parents do (kids go to nursery/cm) and start planning on how you're going to get your awful partner to leave.

Yes worked from 16 until having the children

OP posts:
Plumful · 28/11/2023 20:35

Controlling! Also you’re not married so in a really vulnerable position by not working.

Nicole1111 · 28/11/2023 20:37

Tell him you’re sick of the inequality so you’re going to work full time, have both kids in full time nursery and split the cost of everything 50/50. Tell him you think you’ll be worse off financially as a couple you’ll be better off individually because you will have some money without having to beg for it. Then start looking loudly for jobs.

Original poster
Mama07 · 28/11/2023 20:38

OkayScooby · 28/11/2023 20:34

Are you joint tenants/both on the house deeds, op?
What pension do you have?
Are you receiving child benefit? As per pp, if you receive this, you at least get credits for your NI contributions.

Yes joint tenants
I have no pension but yes I get child benefit :)

OP posts:
icebubbles · 28/11/2023 20:41

You get 15 free hours so presumably he earns over 100k or you'd get 30 free hours. But you get universal credit? And how do you get child benefit as you should be be eligible if one person earns over 60k, which he must do if you get 15 hours not 30...are you sure you're getting what you should or shouldn't be entitled to, OP?

HappyHedgehog247 · 28/11/2023 20:44

Who made him the boss of you? Do you also tell him what he can and can't do?

Original poster
Mama07 · 28/11/2023 20:45

icebubbles · 28/11/2023 20:41

You get 15 free hours so presumably he earns over 100k or you'd get 30 free hours. But you get universal credit? And how do you get child benefit as you should be be eligible if one person earns over 60k, which he must do if you get 15 hours not 30...are you sure you're getting what you should or shouldn't be entitled to, OP?

Both parents have to work to get the 30 hours for a 3 year old and I don't work. We wouldn't get anything for our 2 year old if i worked though so would still have to pay for his like I am now.

OP posts:
backonthemerrygoround · 28/11/2023 20:46

Yes sorry what is this ‘you can’t’ stuff?

What do YOU want to do?

Mrgrinch · 28/11/2023 20:47

Just to give you an idea of how it should be. My DH is the sole earner.

He has never once called money 'his money'.
He has never questioned my spending.
I do not have to ask permission to spend money.
We discuss larger purchases, regardless of which of us is making it.
All money is seen by both of us as OUR money.

If these statements are not the case for you then you shouldn't be financially relying on this man.

LusaBatoosa · 28/11/2023 20:50

backonthemerrygoround · 28/11/2023 20:46

Yes sorry what is this ‘you can’t’ stuff?

What do YOU want to do?

This. You realise that you don’t have to do as he says, OP? He’s not the supreme commander of your life.

You’re in an incredibly vulnerable situation and need to start having some agency in your own life.

Dotcheck · 28/11/2023 20:53

OP your updates are not amusing- no need for smiley faces.

You absolutely must become independent. When kids are at nursery, upgrade your skills or your education. There are plenty around which are online or just one day a week. Start with looking on your local college website.
This man has managed to convince you that you have no value apart from meeting his needs, which is not true.

This is a bad man

MilitantFawcett · 28/11/2023 20:54

I’m sorry - he would LEAVE you if you worked in the evenings? Because he would have to look after his own children by himself? Did he ask your permission before he went back to work? I think you should take him up on the offer to leave and go for 50/50 custody - you could definitely work then and you’d get every other weekend child free!

Seriously, his attitude is dreadful and he sounds pathetic. Tell him you’re getting a job and that childcare is a shared responsibility that he doesn’t get to abdicate because “he’s too tired”.

YouTubeIsYourMotherNow · 28/11/2023 20:55

So does this mean that once your 2 year old turns 3 you can work as both would be entitled to at least 30 hours free? How far away is that?

Would he commit to supporting you to upskill/train so you can get a good job once both are in nursery for 30 hours?
Also if you're not married I'd use the time to get my ducks in a row and be on some iron clad contraception so that if he remains unreasonably controlling still then you can make your own way whenever you've had enough.

littlemousebigcheese · 28/11/2023 20:58

Why do you want to be with this man? What is he bringing to your life? He sounds like a twat

mumpea · 28/11/2023 20:58

I feel the same it's your self worth as well as your finances.

1st step get him to give you a sum of money for you once a week or a month so you can save it for a night out, event, clothes.

2nd congratulate yourself on raising two kids your doing an epic job and especially when your kids are little it's so full on and hard to fit a job around them.

3rd maybe try when you have a little time just volunteering in a charity shop even two hours a week it will help you meet new people and give you a sense of purpose around the craziness of kids. Once they are in school you'll eventually be able to return to work.

4th do something nice for yourself at least once a week just time on your own without him or the kids.

Scarletttulips · 28/11/2023 21:01

Well if he leaves, have you asked him how he would manage 50/50 parenting?

PaminaMozart · 28/11/2023 21:05

Every single day, with depressing regularity, these sad and yet infuriating stories are posted here. Why oh why do women still allow themselves to be exploited in this way?

I don't know the answer - I just hope that girls growing up to be women now will at least try to think things through and look after Number One. Which men have always done, while women are left to pick up the pieces.

[Rant over]

Mrsttcno1 · 28/11/2023 21:09

Mama07 · 28/11/2023 20:45

Both parents have to work to get the 30 hours for a 3 year old and I don't work. We wouldn't get anything for our 2 year old if i worked though so would still have to pay for his like I am now.

Show quote history

OP you do realise this means that if you were to get a job then you would get 30 hours for your 3 year old, and with both of you working you would also then be able to use the tax free childcare scheme so your 2 year olds nursery would be subsidised by the government. You would (as a household) be financially better off doing this.

BoobyDazzler · 28/11/2023 21:09

Scarletttulips · 28/11/2023 21:01

Well if he leaves, have you asked him how he would manage 50/50 parenting?

YY to this!

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/11/2023 21:15

PaminaMozart · 28/11/2023 21:05

Every single day, with depressing regularity, these sad and yet infuriating stories are posted here. Why oh why do women still allow themselves to be exploited in this way?

I don't know the answer - I just hope that girls growing up to be women now will at least try to think things through and look after Number One. Which men have always done, while women are left to pick up the pieces.

[Rant over]

This.

So sick of women being fucked over like this.

Plumful · 28/11/2023 21:16

It is honestly so depressing and also worrying the number of unmarried stay at home mums on here.

WeekWeekWeek · 28/11/2023 21:20

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/11/2023 21:15

This.

So sick of women being fucked over like this.

Show quote history

Being fucked over, or fucking themselves over?

Because a lot of women seem to be very happy to be SAHM with nothing more than girlfriend status and no access to money, until they realise they’ve made the wrong decisions.

I’m assuming this man didn’t tie OP down and force her to have two children. There was obviously a time when she thought she was getting a good deal- twice.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 28/11/2023 21:20

Nicole1111 · 28/11/2023 20:37

Tell him you’re sick of the inequality so you’re going to work full time, have both kids in full time nursery and split the cost of everything 50/50. Tell him you think you’ll be worse off financially as a couple you’ll be better off individually because you will have some money without having to beg for it. Then start looking loudly for jobs.

This!

If he wants to treat it as "his" money then he can pay for half the childcare for "his" DC.

He wants it all his way. Low cost /free childcare, keep his own money, and have you around whenever he wants you to be there. Selfish arse....

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