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Original poster

Having no money of my own

133 replies

Mama07 · 28/11/2023 19:48

Help- how can I get my partner to understand how it feels to have NO money of my own.

We have 2 children, partner works full time and I do not work. We get a very small amount of UC but if I was to work we wouldn't get any UC.

We currently pay for our 2 year olds nursery as we arent entilted to the 2 year funding and our 3 year old gets the 15 hours funding. So any job I would get could only be 3 hours a morning 4 days a week (I've been looking but this is impossible to find).

We don't NEED the extra money from me working but here is the problem. Any time I spend money on an event to go to or something like that I get moaned at because it's his money or its his money that has to pay for the fuel or its his money that has to pay for the parking ect. I've suggested an evening job but he said I can't because we wouldn't get any time together and he doesnt want to look after the kids after a hard day at work, I suggested a weekend job but he said I can't because he works some weekends and he would earn way more than me, I suggested getting a job during the day but explained we would have to pay more nursery hours to fit around a job (we wouldn't be entitled to the 85% back funding) so he said no as he doesn't want to pay more nursery hours just so I can have some of my own money. This means there isn't any time I can work and earn my own money.

I've tried explaining that he has no idea how it feels to have none of your own money and get moaned at when I want to go to events (maybe 6 times a year) and always hear that it's his money that has to pay for it.

How can I try and explain to him how it feels to have no money of my own and to then get moaned at when I want to go to events?

We just can't seem to get to a middle ground on this.

He said he would be happy to pay me a weekly allowance for parenting but I then explained the weekly allowance would be way more than the amount I'm currently spending on events and that would still be his money.

Just need some advice on where to go from here.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 28/11/2023 22:25

Mama07 · 28/11/2023 20:06

I did say well what if I get a job from 7pm onwards so I know you'll be home and he said that he wouldn't stick around because we wouldn't get any time together as a couple. And with weekends he said he can earn way more than me on a Saturday so I wouldn't be able to

He's keeping you trapped. You either want a decent chunk of change in your bank (maybe what you would earn from your evening job) or you're getting the evening job and if he's so self centered and think your marriage wouldn't survive, then maybe he should fuck off anyway as he doesn't have faith in it anyway.

Can't stand controlling men like that me. Don't have any more babies with this specimen.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 28/11/2023 22:26

He is in effect holding you hostage
Could you put 2 year old in nursery for 2 full days and then find work for those days?
In the mean time, take your " allowance"

gemloving · 28/11/2023 22:26

Mrgrinch · 28/11/2023 20:47

Just to give you an idea of how it should be. My DH is the sole earner.

He has never once called money 'his money'.
He has never questioned my spending.
I do not have to ask permission to spend money.
We discuss larger purchases, regardless of which of us is making it.
All money is seen by both of us as OUR money.

If these statements are not the case for you then you shouldn't be financially relying on this man.

This! Bravo.

GoudaThunkIt · 28/11/2023 22:27

If you get a job, you’ll be eligible for 30 hours funded childcare for your eldest child and from April your youngest will be entitled to 15 hours.

Original poster
Mama07 · 28/11/2023 22:39

@Crikeyalmighty yes the child benefit and UC we get goes into my bank but this is used put away and used for my 2 year olds nursery

OP posts:
Grimbelina · 28/11/2023 22:44

You are in a very vulnerable position as you aren't married and there is definitely financial abuse. He is incredibly controlling. Is this a situation you want your children growing up in? You really need to get a job and get out.

tenpoundpombear · 28/11/2023 22:51

Take the "allowance" use it to pay for childcare and get a job. Save up, leave him and live a happy life where you're not being financially strangled by your so called "d"p

anon2134 · 28/11/2023 23:00

So he wants you to provide all childcare, earn a decent enough wage in 3 hours per day while not spending any of "his" money and he's threatened to leave if you work evenings or weekends? Is that about right?

What a controlling arsehole. Take your kids and run.

He also doesn't want to parent his own children by the sounds of things.

Goodornot · 28/11/2023 23:21

He hasn't even married you. He's already resentful of spending "his" money on something for you. He won't let you work.

If you split up you're entitled to nothing of his as you're not married. Go back to work and that's it.

He's being a total cunt. He's getting his house taken care of and his children looked after and he won't let you work or spend his money.

dottypencilcase · 28/11/2023 23:28

Look up financial abuse and Coercive control.

oogbkihdeeflkigfviimmm · 28/11/2023 23:42

If both you working yes you would get 85% funded childcare cos that’s how much I get with me and my husband from universal credit. It says that when both of you work you get up to 85% reimbursed and it doesn’t matter how many hours you work a month you’re still entitled to get that childcare covered by universal credit.

Original poster
Mama07 · 29/11/2023 00:09

oogbkihdeeflkigfviimmm · 28/11/2023 23:42

If both you working yes you would get 85% funded childcare cos that’s how much I get with me and my husband from universal credit. It says that when both of you work you get up to 85% reimbursed and it doesn’t matter how many hours you work a month you’re still entitled to get that childcare covered by universal credit.

@oogbkihdeeflkigfviimmm
No we wouldn't get it unfortunately. My friend used to get it when she was single and then when she had a partner she was no longer entitled to it because they earnt too much between them. Same would happen for us my partner earns nearly the same as what them two earn together so if I was to add a wage to that we wouldn't get it

OP posts:
ilovemyspace · 29/11/2023 00:32

@Mama07 did you discuss what would happen re working patterns before you decided to have children?

coffy11 · 29/11/2023 00:52

You are in a controlling and financially abusive situation. He will always think it's his money, men like this don't change. Get a job, put the kids in childcare and split household chores 50/50. Or get out of the relationship.

Duckingella · 29/11/2023 01:25

Let me translate for you

"If you work evenings we wouldn't get any time together"

translation

"If you work evenings I'll have to parent solo like you do when I'm at work and I don't want to/feel it's beneath me/think the children and housework are only your responsibility not mine and I'm a misogynistic arse"

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/11/2023 01:29

Plus @Duckingella "you will have your own money and could save and leave me. Because I'm shit".

LaurieStrode · 29/11/2023 02:20

Why can't you work evenings and weekends?

Take some control here! You don't need his permission.

LaurieStrode · 29/11/2023 02:21

Tiddlywinkly · 28/11/2023 20:17

Not working when you're not married is a very precarious position to be in. It's worrying that he won't 'let' you work.

Edited

They're not even married??

momonpurpose · 29/11/2023 02:24

My very smart boss says always have FU money. Get the job because it is wrong that you have to ask for money to do things with your kids and he'd complaining.

LaurieStrode · 29/11/2023 02:25

Plumful · 28/11/2023 21:16

It is honestly so depressing and also worrying the number of unmarried stay at home mums on here.

Yes, it's shocking, really.

Don't people have any aspirations or ambitions?

LaurieStrode · 29/11/2023 02:27

ilovemyspace · 29/11/2023 00:32

@Mama07 did you discuss what would happen re working patterns before you decided to have children?

Edited

Do they ever???

fridaynight1 · 29/11/2023 02:38
  1. Don’t send your 2 year old to nursery. He is 2 - he doesn’t get a say.
  2. Why can’t the 3 year old can stay with you at home too? You are his number 1 teacher right now, not nursery.
  3. Get an evening job.
Honeychickpea · 29/11/2023 02:47

Tiddlywinkly · 28/11/2023 20:17

Not working when you're not married is a very precarious position to be in. It's worrying that he won't 'let' you work.

Edited

Or choose for him not to "let you work". It really is a choice you are making.

RantyAnty · 29/11/2023 02:54

Another twat.

He seems to like his traditional deal but doesn't that involve being the provider which he's currently shit at?

user1492757084 · 29/11/2023 03:05

Take him up on the parenting allowance... and don't feel guilty about that.
You don't need to spend it all but having it there is something.
You could plan on working part time once your youngest is three.
Could you think of a cash in hand hobby that you could develop (and even make into a business further down the track) Drawing portraits, pet photography, dog walking or feeding while owners are away, ironing, making jam etc.

I think your partner is demeaning so you should plan to have the capacity to restructure your work, earnings and life.

Ultimately you need to have the conversation and plan for you to be working at a job that you enjoy when your kids are in school. Do you need to up skill or retrain? Do you need to study further?

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