Where are the middle class, middle aged single men?

[HatsScarvesGloves]

I'm late forties, widowed and thought I'd be single forever. I've got used to it. But, somewhat annoyingly, it turns out I would like one last try at finding love again before I give up altogether. I want someone who keeps fit and is a bit cultured and has a reasonable amount of money to spend on going out. Not because I'm a snob (though I probably am) but because none of my friends like the theatre, the ballet, the arts, etc that much and I really miss having someone to do these things with.

So, where will I meet this mythical creature? Is there such a thing as a high end dating site? Where does he hang out? I've thought of life drawing class and tennis club (both activities i want to try anyway). Any other ideas?

'Yeah my brother says a lot of single guys in their 40s/50s will have been stung after divorce/long term relationships and now just value peace'

True of many women too. Me included. The longer many of us spend single, the more we discover it's actually really bloody nice, the less likely we want to couple up. And, because we like it, we set our bars crazy high, because we can, possibly deliberately.

I married a unicorn - try Am Dram.

I totally agree. However nice they are I simply wouldn’t go out with a man who couldn’t afford to do the things I like to do. I have the money to do it so I’m certainly not looking for someone to look after me but equally I don’t want to subsidise someone else.

i don’t think that most men in their 50’s particularly want to date younger women seriously although they may play around to prove to themselves they still have it, whatever it may be.

My partner has a child in their teens, he has zero interest in women with young children and neither would he like more children. Women in their 30’s likely have small children or want children.

The widowed /divorced ones get together with women in their 20s not women their own age.

Really! Men in their 40s/50s getting together with women in their 20s. Find that hard to believe unless they are v rich sugar daddies …

In their dreams. That is not the norm.

About 3 years ago I was where you are OP. I had an 11month relationship. First 7/8 months were amazing; he could cook (sometimes burnt bits and was a bit domineering of the kitchen, so I wasn't allowed to help), he had his own money (hated his job but didn't like going abroad, so no long holidays for us on the horizon), he had a dog (who I would walk while he worked so he saved money on his dog walker), he had his own place (full of sex toys from past relationships, their clothes, their pictures, decorated with a female eye and obvious "in joke!" art) and was cultured enough to have lived abroad (but not to have read the single shelf full of books suggested to him by many exes, alas). After month 9 I met his family. They were lovely and seemed quite surprised that he seemed "the happiest I've seen him in a while, although he's obviously never had a problem attracting the ladies". Then they told me he had a history of cheating, which just meant he needed someone to "settle down with". Later I discovered one of the long term exes he cheated on he had done so with a family member, for years behind everyone's backs. What a naughty boy he was!
And that, as they say, was that. I couldn't work back from it. I found it amazing he never thought to mention this and remembered how he said therapy was rubbish, he had never needed it and would never have it. In a nutshell, all of the bracketed bits above and the attitude to their own past and lack of self reflection are why I am never wasting another year of my life on any man.

@notgoingthereagain sorry to read all that. Looks like you need therapy to deal with what you experienced. Tried it?

@notgoingthereagain That's awful. I'm sorry that happened to you. It's the sort of thing that has put me off trying again. And I expect if it happened I'd be out of the game after that too. You get to a point where you don't want to waste your years.

Of course, and am happy to say I am far happier alone. My post was to point out that sometimes the list of things we think we want don't turn out to be as exciting or fulfilling as we had thought. It's no bad thing to be happier with your own company. Many men over 35 are single for multiple reasons and a lot of women seem to rush to be their unpaid therapists.

How about a walking group OP?

I'm not sure if some of these remarks regarding middle aged men having pick of the litter are coming from delusional men, but in real life i rarely see these age gap relationships people refer to in threads like these, however much one may like to dream that they can pull like Leonardo DiCaprio.

Most couples i see are generally partnered with those of or around the same age.

Yep, most 20 somethings do not date 40 something and over men.

They date men around their own age who they're meeting at school/college/uni/part-time jobs/clubs/socialising etc etc.

There is a sub culture of sugar babies ... But that's only for money/resources. And it's not representative.

Also in my experience, most men - while they might care about and be dutiful towards their existing kids .... Absolutely do not want more kids. They know young women without kids will want them, they don't want to go through the baby, toddler, young child stage again .. and so they tend to go for women who already have their own kids; who are not usually in their 20s.

I think one if the problems us lots of ladies on here are looking for the comfortably off (often very comfortably off) and still good looking guys with funky jobs and lots going for them (I understand, as I would be too) and it's this kind of guy who can still attract women 20 years younger- being honest I haven't met a fairly young attractive women interested in older guys who goes for low earning/average earning men , average looking men in late middle age.

A friend of mine (genuinely, a friend) hung around the cafes of a local large private school on weekends and would often get talking to a divorced dad as she was reading her copy of the Times/attempting the crossword…

60 and in the same boat , my mate said you have to look at 70 plus
it’s soooo difficult, I think maybe a club for bereaved people, some one in the same boat

@Koalatreats ah this takes me back 🤘

I'd say just get out there and meet people.

Online dating can be a cesspit, but also I think it does increase the odds of meeting someone who is "in principle at least", "genuinely out to meet new people", whereas just turning up to places can be Ok on an ad-hoc basis but a bit "hit and miss".

Increase the odds and put the time in and you'll get something.

When I've done group socialising like Meetups, I agree there are a lot of creepy older men who are clearly desperate and trying to "aim" for younger women.

But this definitely isn't Every Single Man. More, say, the guys who were chancers and womanisers in their youth who are now trying to reclaim their youth, or after a "nurse with a purse". You don't want them anyway.

If you watch First Dates (tacky but good) there are loads of pairings of older people who are at the same level, seem to have similar interests and financial positions.

Just be clear about what you want and who you are, and screen VERY thoroughly if you're going for OD. Don't accept what people say (there are a lot of liars and fantasists), give them time and observe. Have low expectations - you're just there to "meet new people".

Have a set idea of what you want to do for your first meet (perhaps you can find a coffee shop in a museum or something similar?) and get that first meet set up as soon as you can. As you can't tell what someone is like by message and this will show if you're actually socially compatible. And any weirdness or creepiness in chat - get rid or block.

I wouldn't really use the phrase "middle class" on your profile, just say what you are interested in and what you are looking to do with a new partner or acquaintance. Screen on photos and communication and manners. As pps have said, it's such a "vague" category that you can't really define it.

(in the past, I've been in contact with guys with profiles referring to enjoying the finer things in life, and their work as a lawyer/doctor, then their messages are all one liners or "what do you look like naked?).

It won't really make any difference as well, in that there are lots of nutters who write the same garbage to anyone and don't read profiles. Just block or ignore anyone you don't want to be in contact with.

If it feels too much work or abrasive with someone, trust your feelings and move on.

The men on Telegraph dating are often quite cultured. I met some very nice men on there despite not being very cultured myself. K

It’s true that men in their forties aren’t settling down with women in their twenties. But they are shagging them.

My exDH found himself single at 40 and immediately started dating much younger women (without kids), because he could. He’s now on relationship 6 I think, but he seems quite happy.

Why would a man in his forties want to settle down with a middle-aged woman and go the ballet when he can have short-term sex with women in their twenties?

Wearing lycra, on road bikes, in large groups around the Surrey area.

@lap90 same! My friends and I never dated men in their late 30s or older when we were in our 20s! We wouldn't have considered it and why should we? We were young and good looking and were well aware that we could attract young and good looking men who were energetic, fun and at the same stage in life. I don't know any men with much younger women at our age either. Though I can think of a few in my parents' generation when women had fewer options for themselves.

My friendship group have always gone for slightly younger guys if anything. The idea that many young women are looking for relatively old men is bizarre to me! Unless a woman is seriously struggling for money - a single mum with massive debt in a tricky situation, say - or ridiculously materialistic, surely most would choose a hot, energetic guy of her own age rather than an old bloke with a big house or whatever.

I just don't believe eligible women in their 20s are lining up to be with old blokes. Maybe there are some but surely not loads!

Sorry to derail your thread, OP!

Ah yes, no that one well! Getting stuck behind them in the car when you can't overtake I should have a better look next time😂😂

@Namddf
'Why would a man in his forties want to settle down with a middle-aged woman and go the ballet when he can have short-term sex with women in their twenties?'

This made me laugh. But in all seriousness, how about for the same reasons I wouldn't date a 25 year old? Surely there must be some men who want someone with life experience, who they can talk to about what 1995 was like, for example, without getting a blank stare? And middle aged women are awesome! Surely some men can see that?