Where are the middle class, middle aged single men?

[HatsScarvesGloves]

I'm late forties, widowed and thought I'd be single forever. I've got used to it. But, somewhat annoyingly, it turns out I would like one last try at finding love again before I give up altogether. I want someone who keeps fit and is a bit cultured and has a reasonable amount of money to spend on going out. Not because I'm a snob (though I probably am) but because none of my friends like the theatre, the ballet, the arts, etc that much and I really miss having someone to do these things with.

So, where will I meet this mythical creature? Is there such a thing as a high end dating site? Where does he hang out? I've thought of life drawing class and tennis club (both activities i want to try anyway). Any other ideas?

My brother says a lot of men his age (40s) have simply given up on dating, especially those who have come out the other side of a divorce.

Book a holiday at La Santa maybe? I’d be looking at joining activity clubs and trying out new hobbies. Can you ask around in your circle of friends who might know a suitable gent for you?

They can! But if absolutely everything about their lives screams middle class then I personally wouldn't consider them working class anymore. The signifiers exist in society and we tend to socialise according to them. To deny the reality of it is a bit idealistic.

I've got some brilliant ideas from this thread and I have also appreciated the kindness towards my situation for those who have seen that and understood. Thank you! The derailing is irritating me a bit now - the point has been made and I'll consider it, thanks.

@Sammyspurs I joined it briefly when I was in the trenches of widowhood. Thank you for reminding me - it could be a good shout.

I’ve gone to Glyndebourne (and Garsington, and Wexford) and my parents were, till they retired, a binman and a hospital cleaner. I absolutely identify as WC.

It’s just people singing.

OP I think you have to pick which features of your unicorn you can live without.

I met my DH through an agency for people interested in classical music, now sadly defunct due to internet dating. DH was man number 3.

He is academic, likes opera, would love to spend all day in a bookshop but no money so can't afford his own cashmere and not sporty will watch far too much of the World Cup though

You can have some of in to culture, own money, sporty but probably not all of them.

If I was looking again I'd try Classic FM partners, ramblers or an agency you have to pay money to as it weeds out all the timewasters for you.

Well, you started the conversation about the class system and any potential man being a member of a certain part of it.

good luck.

There's a group for bereaved people looking for friendship and more.
It's called Way Up or something similar.
My sister joined when her husband passed away.
Might be worth a look.

This is exactly what I said.

There are a lot more of these than you’d think.

Think I need to start going to the rugby. I actually like rugby so it wouldn't be a hardship but I've no one to go with.

I disagree about 40 plus men only wanting to date women in their 20s. Dh isn’t like this at all.
I can say from speaking to lots of women that a man in his 50s late 40s with young children is an absolute turn off.
All my single and now coupled up friends would not date someone who had hit with a much younger women, got her pregnant and then been left with ‘the baggage’. Their words not mine.
I think men are wising up to the fact that if they get with a younger woman this is one of the pit falls.
Op- you have to remember you probably met your dh when he was young, fun, slim and at his peak.
In reality men in their late 40s are past their peak. Some are still attractive but let’s be honest, not as attractive as they were in their 20s.
You have to sort through a lot to find the right one. They are out there.

No, we’re always working class. Even if we’ve made several millions, we’re still working class.

We also see people like you a mile off.

Correct. I absolutely agree. You see people like OP on the class threads all the time. Middle class + = money and signifiers, and/or occupation. No it doesn't.

I see all sorts of people, from various backgrounds, in ballet and opera circles too, and I'm involved in other ways than as an audience member.

I'm sorry but I find some of the views aired about class stereotypes distasteful and the OP confused in that regard.

I think you have to approach later-in-life dating with a much more open mind than in your 20s, with a clear idea of what you're willing to compromise on, and what might now be different in your own character, not just a checklist of acceptable hobbies.

I met my now DH at the local rugby club, when I was 40 and he was 46, recently divorced. On paper he's not 'my type'; sporty, not into the arts much, much more sociable than me. BUT I quickly realised he was kind, loyal, sensitive, hardworking, cheerful... these qualities have navigated us through some pretty grim crises these past few years, and I suspect I'd have missed this gem of a man in my gaucher days, when I was more focused on finding someone who reinforced my own view of myself. We have our differences but we have enough core similarities to bind us.

I also like rugby so tbh it wasn't a chore to go to a few matches to find him.

Your last point is why those men who are still objectively conventionally attractive in their 40s and 50s get their pick of women in the dating pool — because they stand out.

My 49 year old divorced friend is tall, athletic (runs ultramarathons), has kept his hair, and has a lot more money than he did in his 20s. His ex-wife initiated the divorce, they share residency of their teenagers, it’s amiable. In fairness to him, the only person he has gone on more than a couple of dates with was a 40something teacher, but the women his friends are introducing him to are all under 35 and glamorous. And interested.

Whereas if I divorced now (50, not hideous, financially comfortable, one teenager) and was looking for a relationship, I can guarantee you, my friends wouldn’t be pushing good-looking, male under-35s my way in droves. Or even in a trickle.

I remember a friend telling me the same thing, he's tall mid 40s, good looking, looks after himself with a really great job. Every woman he was being shown was under 35. He was a newly single, 40 something with a child going through a difficult divorce but because he was good looking they were showing him all these young women that no doubt he had nothing in common with.

My goodness it sounds depressing and difficult to find someone once you hit middle age. The people saying going up a decade ! If that was me I’d be looking at 60 to 70 and that doesn’t appeal whatsoever …lot do men once they hit that age go to seed and are grumpy old men. Not all I know. So where do active, attractive, solvent women in their 40s/50s find men of similar age? I can’t believe that all men of that age group are looking for much younger women 😟…

Whoever said metal gigs...yes! Some of the best men ever are massive metal heads.

Join a David Lloyd gym

Yeah my brother says a lot of single guys in their 40s/50s will have been stung after divorce/long term relationships and now just value peace + simply don't want the chaos and drama of being integrated into another woman's home life with her children and the emotional and financial baggage that comes with it. He says speaking to his male friends that a lot of men generally dip their toe in the dating pool after the breakdown of their marriage/long term relationship and quickly discover a lot of woman in their 40s/50s have an exhaustive lifestyle checklist criteria of demands a man must meet (+ the inevitable must earn this amount of money £££ threshold...which men can see through and spot very easily) for which Op here seemingly strikes such a hallmark sadly. My brother has told me a few times the modern happy to be single demographic of men in their 40s/50s is a lot more prevalent than anyone has properly analysed yet.

Yeah my brother says a lot of single guys in their 40s/50s will have been stung after divorce/long term relationships and now just value peace

When I met DH, he'd just bought himself a new set of golf clubs and fishing rods and had told everyone he knew not to try to set him up with anyone, as he was planning a few years of suiting himself...

@RocketIceLollie I'd like someone who has enough money to buy their own tickets to stuff we go to jointly. Someone who doesn't need to worry about funding their activities. Because that's the situation I'm in myself. I have plenty of funds and I'm not looking for anyone to bankroll me. I'm looking for someone who is able and willing to join me! Also I would like to love again but not necessarily marriage or even cohabiting. I'm very independent myself. There's nothing to 'see through' and no hidden agenda. I would be very open with any man about it!

This.

Does Drawing Down The Moon still.exist? It was/,is a high end dating site.

My friend met her husband on it.

I think OP sounds genuine,she has funds of her own and wants to meet someone nice after being widowed .I think the problem here , she is maybe trying for a similar guy to her late husband . They are in short supply! Many older men still seem able to attract younger women .Also be wary of men scamming as well.There was a TV C5 show with #women being taken for a ride by men posing as a MC successful guy .One of them hired a brand new Range Rover and wooed her.After a while scamming her of her cash, when that ran out he pawned her 40k jewellery! Luckily she got it back, as not sold by the pawn shop and had to borrow money from friends that shes now paying back!

There's definitely that "modern happy to be single demographic", the OP will find challenging, happy to be part of It over here. Problem is with some blokes and women likewise, once they've been single for a while, It is so hard to change that independent outlook on life. A bloke with financial freedom, decent looks, who loves the single life, is basically free to ignore nearly all interest, and the same for women in a similar position. In both cases, only someone really special will move the dial. Sad, but such a fact of modern life.

This thread is making me feel better. I've often worried if I divorced my (very middle class, classical music loving) husband that he'd be lonely, but now I see he'd be snapped up in five minutes.