Where are the middle class, middle aged single men?

[HatsScarvesGloves]

I'm late forties, widowed and thought I'd be single forever. I've got used to it. But, somewhat annoyingly, it turns out I would like one last try at finding love again before I give up altogether. I want someone who keeps fit and is a bit cultured and has a reasonable amount of money to spend on going out. Not because I'm a snob (though I probably am) but because none of my friends like the theatre, the ballet, the arts, etc that much and I really miss having someone to do these things with.

So, where will I meet this mythical creature? Is there such a thing as a high end dating site? Where does he hang out? I've thought of life drawing class and tennis club (both activities i want to try anyway). Any other ideas?

They're shagging the 25 year olds.

🤣 That's not the type I'm looking for! I want someone who would find the very idea distasteful.

Lol at this - does such a man exist?

You sound like you’re a bit in cloud cuckoo land op. My dh is working class from a poor background. He’s also well educated, handsome, cultured, very successful and loaded. Il be honest though I’m 10 years younger than him and was a model in my younger days. I’m also more than a match for him intellectually.
Men like my dh don’t partner up with just any woman and most that are now 40’s/50’s will be married or yes, shagging 25 year olds!

Are you sure? I am racking my brains trying to think of any female I know (or knew) in her 20s going out with a significantly older man?

Absolutely!

These threads, in fact anything dating related, are always without fail targeted by the MRAs (hence I checked earlier in the thread 😀).

Nonsense that these late 40s men are appealing to 25 year olds, unless they're Alex Skarsgard (example celebrity in late 40s) and/or very wealthy. It must happen occasionally of course.

MRAs meaning men's rights activists

@Littlelucas what a load of tosh!!

Think this is made up …

All this talk about middle aged men only going for 20 somethings isn’t true in real life.

When I was in my 20s, dating a man in his 40s would have been a bit like dating a friend’s Dad …

For the same reason the OP doesn’t want to date toy boys, although she possibly could. At 40+ you may have sex with younger people for a while but eventually you need emotional connection. Plus I do not think that many women in their 20s would date men in their 40s. A woman in her 20s wants to have it 4+ times a day. A middle aged man simply can’t offer that. They would be sugar daddies at best plus cheated in the long term.

I know. We have vilified men so much. There are of course men that chase young women but there are also cougars going after young men.
I really think the majority of people at 45+ look for good sex but also companionship and affection.

My dcs are in their 20s. None of their friends or indeed anyone they know is with a man or woman 10 years or more older than them. They only date people the same age.
I suppose these people do exist but, and I don’t want to sound rude, the only young women I have encountered doing this are not model like. They have children and are struggling single parents living on benefits. They all look older than they are and don’t have much going for them. After being abandoned by the father of their child/ren they turn to an older man who shows them affection.
These are the only women in real life I know who end up with much older men.

I agree @Rania78

There's a whole load of "noisy extremes" out there

(as well as fantasists and braggarts bigging themselves up and claiming that they have all these serious prospects - both male and female - I'm thinking Moby and his claimed affairs with Natalie Portman and Lana Del Ray.

But there's women who are like that too).

In general, I see nice people matching up with other nice people with a similar outlook on life and a similar age.

I actually think many emotionally sorted people want someone who is quite "basic/neutral" in appearance and matches them aesthetically, rather than some sexy trophy type, as they want someone who visually fits in with their social crowd and doesn't draw too much attention to themselves.

Many people are wary of gossip or drama, and if you're turning up to a public place with someone who is obviously half your age then that attracts attention.

Just for balance...a happy story:

I'm 59 and have been single for 19 years!! I've dated obviously, but none of them lead to anything more than a few lovely dates and LOTS of horror stories! Tried EVERY method known to mankind (yes, including life drawing classes 🤣🤣). Been on every dating site...on/off/on/off for years!

Gave up so many times...but the optimist in me always drew me back in again.

Reinstalled Tinder (after a break of over a year) early this summer and met a wonderful man within the first few days...exchanged messages for a couple of weeks and then met up. It was such a fabulous first date...and we are now 5 months in. Best of all...he lived less than a mile from me! Middle class, cultured, kind, fun, very intelligent and has a great job (all the things I was holding out for, just like you OP...I wasn't able to compromise on what I am attracted to, and you shouldn't either! They are, as one PP put it, unicorns...but they do exist!)

I hope you don't have to wait as long as I did though 😨🤣👍

A lot of them are married AND shagging 25 year olds.

"Are you sure? I am racking my brains trying to think of any female I know (or knew) in her 20s going out with a significantly older man?"

I've known quite a few. But lots of secret affairs/ just sex/keep the relationship quiet.

Hmm... that's the theory

This middle aged (well, 49) man is hanging out in the Highlands doing what he enjoys - climbing mountains, riding mountain bikes and going on bike tours, occasionally heading out to meals and drinks with friends, occasionally heading to the theatre or show locally.
IME all the ladies I've an interest in are married/coupled up. And there's not enough of them interested in joining me in the hills at a weekend...

@HatsScarvesGloves

🤣 That's not the type I'm looking for! I want someone who would find the very idea distasteful.

You want to find a man that finds the very idea of shagging a 25 yo distasteful?! Hmmm 🤔.... the small pool of men you are seeking has now become the tiniest of tiny puddles 🤣

Please tell us OP is in the highlands too!

😂 Sadly several hundred miles south!

I think they're confusing the OF 'models' they're wanking with as the girlfriends in their 20s wanting them for their silver foxiness.

There are definitely male posters trolling.

I don't know any young woman in my circle who has or is dating a man 20+ years older. It's a myth that young women find older men attractive unless he is exceptionally good looking or rich, most young women laugh at or find those men scary, creepy and gross, as nature and biology intended. The men who claim it's biology they want a woman in her 20s are ascribing patriarchy for biology because biologically, a younger man is more fertile and stronger. Sperm banks don't want old sperm after a certain point, it's proven men's jizz deteriorates with age... but of course, OF and porn is massaging men's egos by making them delulu that all those young hot women are gagging for his receeding hairline and weak erection.

A pal of mine had fling with a younger mid 20s woman & his moan was it was so difficult to have any conversation, his gem was "for heavens sake mate she didn't even know who Norman Lamont was!"

Just made me laugh, I'm your generation & obvs I know who he was & I'm sure so do you, was just such an odd reference I still chuckle at it, what was he expecting!

Not sure I can offer much advice on the dating, male, single but had kids v late & if I'm not working my guts out, I'm doing kid stuff & not that many ladies single or otherwise of my era at those events, 10 yrs younger usually & 20 yrs younger often! Often although not always, I'd be at an event with ex anyway, we are friendly'ish' & can cope in small doses & it's for sprogs benefit anyway, so usually no dating opportunities really.

I'd confirm to stereotype however with the cycling gym & swim for the fitness, although I pick an odd time for swimming & it's like a 'Last Of The Summer Wine' meet up & I'm 20 yrs too young! The cycling is solo.

I think they're confusing the OF 'models' they're wanking with as the girlfriends in their 20s wanting them for their silver foxiness.
There are definitely male posters trolling.

🤢 It's always the way on Mumsnet. We can't discuss dating, or anything like, without the MRAs drawn like moths to a flame, spouting rubbish. It's getting beyond tedious.

When I was 25 I didn’t want anyone who already had kids. I wanted kids of my own and I didn’t want theirs getting in the way. I remember when I was 29 a 38yo asked me out, and my reaction was “ew no he’s nearly 40”. Young women want young men.

Older men don’t want to be on the hook for more kids either. They look for women who are finished having kids, and ideally who don’t have little kids. They are looking for partners 5-10 years younger though!

At 45 you’re going to be attractive to men who are 50 plus, and most of them aren’t going to be well maintained. Honestly at your age I’d just settle for hot sex with younger men!

It's a silly question. Where are the middle class, middle aged single men?
A middle class middle aged man would want to date a younger beautiful 20 something woman. Same way he may like to drive a fast sports car. Why the hell would he want to drive a Mondeo regardless of how well maintained or low mileage the dumb Ford was?

Yep.

As a middle aged Doris Day said, watching a man her age dance with a 20-something (in a 1960s film) "why take a bus when you can fly?"

I'm 60 and it's been that way all my life.