Where are the middle class, middle aged single men?

[HatsScarvesGloves]

I'm late forties, widowed and thought I'd be single forever. I've got used to it. But, somewhat annoyingly, it turns out I would like one last try at finding love again before I give up altogether. I want someone who keeps fit and is a bit cultured and has a reasonable amount of money to spend on going out. Not because I'm a snob (though I probably am) but because none of my friends like the theatre, the ballet, the arts, etc that much and I really miss having someone to do these things with.

So, where will I meet this mythical creature? Is there such a thing as a high end dating site? Where does he hang out? I've thought of life drawing class and tennis club (both activities i want to try anyway). Any other ideas?

I found one (he's 7 years younger than me, and I was in my early 50s when I met him). You probably wouldn't want to go the route I did, though, OP. I met him on a casual hook up type site. Met. Met again. Got on, fell in love ...

I often get told I'm 'posh' (I'm not, and I can't abide snobs of any description). I just think we were lucky 🤷‍♀️

Possibly some divorced ones but
even then they will have baggage eg ex wives kids debts
My friend has a classy guy but they met 10 years before they started dating
Possibly some decent self employed guys who do not have
chance or time to meet anyone

At my work, there’s none. And if any of them get divorced, there‘s 50 women swarming round them immediately, but they mostly find someone childless in their very early 30’s.

Investment Banking so well-off men, they seem to have all the choices they want, regardless of why they’ve become single.

40s divorced single men are tricky. Sometimes they have had affairs with younger women and haven't yet realised that the grass is not always greener.
Also they may have young DC which will obviously impact on many aspects of a new relationship.
You might be better looking for a man in their 50s

Op you need to be aware that the majority of ballet lovers and theatre goers are female.
It’s like a man hoping to meet a woman at cycling club, yes I know it can happen, but men will outnumber women there,
I met dh on POF. We are both cultured (even if I say so myself!)
I don’t think a sexual and life partner is necessarily the person who you share all your leisure activities with.
For example dh will go to gigs with his male friend. I’ll go to the opera with a female friend.
You need to put yourself out there and dedicate a lot of time and effort into finding someone in my opinion.

No, we’re always working class. Even if we’ve made several millions, we’re still working class.

We also see people like you a mile off.

This sounds obvious - but have you made it clear to your friends that you’d like to meet someone? If they are in no doubt that you’d be “up for it”, then they’d feel much more confident about suggesting they introduce you to single men they know. I can think of a couple of my single male friends who’d fit your description just off the top of my head, but (and especially because you’ve been widowed), it’s not something I’d necessarily think I should suggest to you out of the blue/with no context.

I'm 48 and my partner is 44; we got together two years ago.

It is possible, just need to look for people with similar values and interests. The people I associate with are on the whole less sexist than average, so less likely to think it's acceptable for men to date much younger women unless those men would also be happy to date much older women (likewise women's choices wrt men's ages).

My partner fits the OP's description pretty accurately, only the cafes are in northeast England rather than Italy and the hiking tends to be in the Peaks or the Lake District!

Confession- I have never tried online dating. But it seems from what I've heard that if you do, you should be prepared for a lot of sifting and a lot of effort, with little prospect of striking lucky unless you are very determined and resilient.

I'd pair that with real life meet ups. Join clubs and events that interest you. Make new women friends and acquaintances through these too - they might just introduce you to someone and, if not, you could end up with female company for the events you enjoy. You could even attend the ballet, opera, or whatever, alone and try to get chatting with any likely looking men in the interval or before / after.

I disagree about whether people move between classes. I think they do and can. It's a kind of reverse snobbery to hang onto an identity of working class if you've made millions and have cultured tastes. My parents came from working class backgrounds but it would be lacking self-awareness in a huge way if they still identified that way whilst hanging out at Glyndebourne.

And you don't know me at all, so you're making some massive assumptions yourself, far more than I am!

Anyway, back to the subject, which is about meeting a certain sort of man, not about the class system!

*No, we’re always working class. Even if we’ve made several millions, we’re still working class.

We also see people like you a mile off.*

Indeed!

The snobbery and classism on this thread are utterly depressing and totally dismissed by so many.

I say this gently OP as I can’t imagine much worse than being widowed and I’m very sorry you’ve had to go through that.

I think you need to let go of the extensive list of rather narrow criteria you seem to have and focus on finding someone you enjoy spending time with who has similar values. I imagine it might be hard to envisage this if you spent a long time with your husband but why don’t you take the pressure off and focus on meeting a variety of men with an open mind. Obviously not suggesting you should go on multiple dates with any carp-carrying sex pest who’s 20 years older, but I do think it’s worth saying yes to real life invitations or trying OLD.

Sorry but I also think you need to drop the class thing sharpish, it’s not a good look. My DH is as working class as they come (and I say this as comfortably upper middle), but he’s very into classical music/culture etc far more so than I am and he’s got plenty of money and a very respectable job. He’s got plenty of friends (some single) who are tradesmen or own small businesses and whilst they might not be at the opera every night, they’d certainly be willing to give it a try.

I know someone who met their partner via a dating app for 'active' people. Neither of them would be considered middle class per say but they do a lot of running and hiking which according to this thread, are middle class activities. So make of that what you will. They met in their forties, she had grown up children, he had none, and they've been together for over 10 years now.

@YaWeeFurryBastard You are right. And kindly put, thank you. It is very hard to envisage something different from what I had. I think I've ended up with the exacting criteria because I find the majority of men unattractive, and I compare them to my DH and find them lacking. That's something to consider, I think.

But the OP doesn’t want to date someone working class. You might think that’s ridiculous or unduly restrictive, like having height restrictions or only dating blond men, but that’s her call, surely.

I’m WC, as is DH, though we both work in middle-class professions and have money (and I’m a fiend for opera and theatre), but if we divorced, I’m not convinced I’d want to date MC men. Too much educating involved.

I feel your pain. Same sort of age, also widowed. I think I found the holy grail for me. Middle aged, dresses well. Not loaded but has a good job, nice car, v middle class, privately educated. Not sure I would get him to ballet or opera but he likes a good exhibition, theatre, decent restaurants, travel, weekends ih the country lovely hotels. Spends a lot of time on golf courses. I found him on OLD but I think it was luck rather than anything else. I am keeping him though I’m afraid.

I think maybe you need to try if you can to get your head round the fact that probably nobody will ever “match up” to your DH as you obviously loved him very much and he’s your children’s father.

Whilst you may not get that level of soulmate and compatibility with a new man, you will almost certainly find someone who brings you happiness and companionship and can be a good partner to spend your years with as you get older. I really hope it works out for you 💐.

@Cantbeardarknights I'm glad you found someone you want to keep! It's nice to hear and gives me hope.

Have you tried WAY (widowed and young)? Someone I know was widowed and joined the group and met their now wife through the group. Good luck.

My parents came from working class backgrounds but it would be lacking self-awareness in a huge way if they still identified that way whilst hanging out at Glyndebourne.

Why can’t working class people hang out at Glyndebourne?

Of course it’s her call and nobody should ever feel
obliged to lower their criteria BUT as others have pointed out the dating pool for decent men in that age range is small, and I’m just providing a different perspective that whilst a man might not meet all the exact criteria, he could still make the OP very happy.

Going to be brutally honest here and say I used to be insistent I would only date tall men as that’s what I thought I found attractive. My lovely husband is not particularly tall but I do find him very attractive and I thank my lucky stars every single day that I didn’t let my arbitrary criteria put me off him. Honestly we are so happy, he’s the kindest most generous man I know and it genuinely scares me that I could have lost out on that over my “criteria”.

I found one of these on Tinder - we’ve been together for over 3 years and now live together.

I was 48 and he was 53 - luckily he wasn’t up to shagging 25 year olds. His profile stood out from all of the dross and we regularly indulge in cultural events.

He’s the same height as me (5ft 7), which is what I believe would have put plenty of women off (who are probably all shorter than me). He’s very handsome, makes me laugh and is just an all round good egg.

We are both from working class families - went to university, have professional jobs (I’m not rolling in it as I’m a Lecturer), so I guess we’re now considered middle class (I’m not sure how I feel about these terms tbh - or the British obsession with them).

My BIL is in his 50s never married. Now he's far too picky and set in his ways to meet anyone. Also, tragically, rejects women who are the same age thinks he's going to meet a 30 year old!!

Hmm hope it is true I was keener on meeting divorced and widowed men than never-married men.

You'd be better off going up an age group , so if your mid 40s look for mid 50s/ early 60s , that way you are the 'younger ' one they are looking for .

The ones you are on the lookout for are eyeing up the 20s/30s.