Where are the middle class, middle aged single men?

[HatsScarvesGloves]

I'm late forties, widowed and thought I'd be single forever. I've got used to it. But, somewhat annoyingly, it turns out I would like one last try at finding love again before I give up altogether. I want someone who keeps fit and is a bit cultured and has a reasonable amount of money to spend on going out. Not because I'm a snob (though I probably am) but because none of my friends like the theatre, the ballet, the arts, etc that much and I really miss having someone to do these things with.

So, where will I meet this mythical creature? Is there such a thing as a high end dating site? Where does he hang out? I've thought of life drawing class and tennis club (both activities i want to try anyway). Any other ideas?

I know a lady in her 30s who met a hot single man at the ballet, and they are very happily married now.

I know of many relationships over 50, including my mum and my grans and all are pretty much age appropriate. On dating websites, most men over 50, indeed nearly all do not want kids, or even someone with small kids. Kids and the prospect of them are not appealing to this age group.

There are far more men on dating websites than women, unfortunately many are undateable, apparently about 10% of the men get 80% of the interest. Not saying its impossible at all, I have a good male friend who met someone a little while ago on one of the big sites. Age appropriate, it would be embarrassing for most not to be these days, I think.

If you widen your search to include bald or short men, or perhaps bald, short men, you will greatly improve your chances.

I couldn't imagine dating someone in their 20s so I don't see why men my age would either. I mean I get on really well with some of the guys at work but they're 25/26 and all I can think of is that they were born the year I left school, I'm old enough to be their mother and not even a teenage one at that.

My theory is if they weren't around to remember Nirvana and Grunge they're too young.

That’s where men and women differ.

Yes I was thinking that!

Still following and came back to say, the then 42 yr old I had my year of eye-opening with had in fact told me, quite shyly, that before me had been a string of "20-somethings". He did seem a bit embarrassed by it, just clearly not that bad about it if he kept drinking from the same puddle. I think a lot of women see a fairly quiet older man and think "poor thing" if they are sold a sob story (this guy wasn't ever going to admit he cheated on his ex or who with) and like the idea of being able to mother an older, seemingly kind guy who has had "bad luck". I know when I was younger young men didn't really have much to say, so I think a lot of mid 20's women feel a bit in-between when it comes to socialising with men.

Basically if you are 40+ you might as well put up with the husband you already have, no matter how awful he is. Because if he’s even halfway decent and you divorce him, he’ll be shagging 20-somethings within a few weeks, while you’ll be alone for the rest of your life.

🤔. You're joking of course.

Which also begs the question, why are women of this same category so disregarded. I know plenty of middle aged, beautiful, cultured women who wouldn't want to date 25 year olds. Yet here we are. I live in hope that one day women over 40 will one day be desired as much as men over 40.

I would say this actually reflects what has happened to me and my friendship group. Not so much the 20 year old thing but in general yes

Notes from a middle aged, middle class man....

There's a fair few of us out here. I don't want a 25 year old I want someone of a similar age to me (mid 50s). I find women my age far more attractive - they have more well rounded views on the world usually and radiate the sort of warmth I like.

I'm well-read, well travelled, like theatre, art galleries, rock concerts , sporting events, comedy - all sorts really. Should be easy right?

It's not

@ManAboutTown can I ask where you hang out? what dating sites or other things or events do you go to, to look for a partner?

I don't know any men my age (mid 50s) who have got divorced or widowed and gone off with very young women. Not one (and I know a few). They're all with women about their own age (within 5 years).

OK ill admit i do know one who shacked up with someone ten years younger and had another baby with her. He is a notorious twat though.

Couple of dating sites - PMF and Silver Singles. It's not really me and so perhaps that contributes to things. I have met two or three nice women there and been on dates and chatting. I restrict my age search to 50-60.

There's a kit of people on the make and a lot don't fill in their profile well at all meaning I just skip.. The ones I get on with like many different things and are interested in life. Doesn't have to the same stuff as me but enough of a crossover to have a good conversation

According to this thread the 40+ men are desired by 25 year olds. I'm not convinced.

@restabove it's the more puzzling because the majority of men in this age category are bald and sporting a paunch. The 40+ women look far better, and look after themselves more.

I'm nearly 40 (nearly divorced) and have only ever considered a relationship with someone a few years above or below my age. Certainly not double my age! Most people of my acquaintance appear to be similar.

I think it's quite sad that middle-aged women are being put down by (unsurprisingly) middle-aged women on this thread, saying why would a good looking middle-aged man be interested in a middle-aged woman when he can go and shag a woman young enough to be his daughter. We go on about older women being treated unfairly but it seems we are doing that to ourselves

Almost all cases I've seen of middle aged men dating younger women involve a kind of Faustian pact where he has a bit of cash and she likes the lifestyle that brings. Far fewer the other way around but the odd one seems to be women with a bit of the Peter Pan syndrome ( which may apply to the blokes as well come to think of it)

Everyone I've ever been out with was within three years of my own age. I'd widen the bands a bit further now but unlikely to be anyone more that 5 or 6 years different

Yes @ManAboutTown I can see that - this guy said he wanted me to "need him" when I was breaking it off, which certainly implied to me that he didn't like the idea I had my own house. I think he wanted someone to impress financially to say he was "looking after" them, presumably why the 20'somethings stint came about (other than the obvious).

Like others on the thread, I also see so many clever, gorgeous women over 40 with no partners but I always now think that they're the sensible ones . Spend a couple of hours with your married friends and you'll soon hear enough to put you off another relationship! I've got a kid and a dog, so all I seem to be missing is general sexual dissatisfaction, someone to regularly block the loo and say they'll fix something for years.

@notgoingthereagain -reminds me of the saying...

"He'll get round to it - there's no need to remind him every 6 months"

I'm open to a relationship but would protect myself financially. Raised my family and been through all that and wouldn't do it again. But I miss having someone to share the nice in life things with although I would be far more circumspect about who with now than in my 20s

Almost all cases I've seen of middle aged men dating younger women involve a kind of Faustian pact where he has a bit of cash and she likes the lifestyle that brings. Far fewer the other way around
I think that’s because middle aged women are less likely to have a bit of cash because they’ve been forced to take time out from careers when they have kids. Also they tend to prioritise their kids more and they aren’t foolish enough to spend money on a stranger when they could give it to their kids. In addition men get paid more, so younger men are likely to have more of their own money, i.e. less need for a wealthy older partner.

People don’t like to consider it but fertility is also a massive issue. A 50yo man can marry a younger woman and have kids if she wants them. Whereas a 50yo woman is ruled out by younger men who want kids.

@Sparthan - there's truth in what you say but there are increasing numbers of successful women who earn as much or more than their partners. The few women I've had lengthy relationships with all earned more than enough to be financially independent.

Clearly much of the upper echelons of business is men but I think it's changing and interesting to see where that leads society

@ManAboutTown hopefully it leads to men beefing up on their emotional intelligence and teamwork skills. At the moment (largely going on what female friends in relationships say) it feels as though women have to work and do everything house and child related most of the time. They also look after their mental health by seeing therapists. Men then phase themselves out of usefulness by the time women are 40 because women have to fix things themselves and learn independence. It's really sad as I'm sure most men have more to offer, but rarely want to admit they could do more or work on themselves - personally I feel it has a lot to do with men's diminishing mental health in general. Anyway, another thread!

Most of the middle class men I know in their forties (all of whom are married) are actually very fit and sporty and look after themselves. Cycling, gym, running marathons etc.

If they were single there would be 25-year-olds queueing up.

@notgoingthereagain - think there's a lot of truth in that, Supposedly the biggest suicide risk is middle aged men suddenly living alone - something in their emotional makeup makes them ill suited to it.

Think some of it is because women seem to have stronger and more durable social networks than men. I don't think men confide in each other the way women do or provide emotional support to their friends in the same way.

It took me a while to adapt to it for sure but I am truly envious of my friends who have longstanding and mutually beneficial relationships