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Original poster

Slow fade after meeting my DC. So upset.

356 replies

Sameshitdifferentdayagain · 24/11/2023 11:54

This is a bit of a pathetic post but I really need to get it all out.

Been seeing a man for six months (fellow single parent of young DC) I've basically been on my own for 3.5 years since ex husband upped and left.

All was going well and I was actually entertaining thoughts that I might miraculously met someone decent. He seemed really keen on me and it was so nice to not feel alone after the last awful few years.

I recently met his (utterly adorable) little DC twice. We then arranged a play date day for all DC together. It was such a lovely day and I felt so happy after. It was his suggestion to arrange it. Not mine.

Now despite all that he's doing a not very subtle slow fade on me. Too busy to get together (he is a wealthy guy and a hard working businessman, but nobody is that busy) I've not heard from him in a week either whereas before he was in touch all the time. I know I've been dropped and God it hurts :( I gave him a chance despite how guarded I normally am and now I just feel like a fool. It's knocking my MH and life is a struggle for me as it is. He's clearly enjoyed playing with the plebs before going back to his much better life.

Why do some men have to be so unkind? It just don't get how they can treat people like we're so disposable.

OP posts:
curaçao · 24/11/2023 13:53

You are an adult. Use your words. Ask him!

NotLactoseFree · 24/11/2023 13:54

Based on everything you've said about him, I suspect that he genuinely is busy and distracted.

Having said that, I don't think that's a legitimate excuse. If you've been dating someone for 6 months and are close enough to introduce your kids, then frankly, you should be able to be at least a little more proactive to stay in touch during a busy period. Even just that late night text saying, " so sorry, another manic day. DC have 100 activities tomorrow and I have 5 meetings so probably going to be MIA until the weekend at least. Looking forward to catching up properly then. Hope that's okay" is better than the silence.

Hocuspocusnonsense · 24/11/2023 13:54

I wonder if the reality of dating someone with a child/children has set in.

I have a couple of female friends with children who are trying hard to only date men without children, I know it’s double standards, but they’ve found dating men with children SO much harder than dating men who don’t have children.

FloydPepper · 24/11/2023 13:57

Zippedydoodahday · 24/11/2023 13:02

As someone who works the kind of job where all hell can break loose and I can be so busy I genuinely don't have time to make a cup of tea or go for a wee, I am sympathetic to the possibility he might genuinely be too busy to engage. I have periods where I lose contact with everyone in my life for a few weeks (except my husband and child as I live with then) because I'm working an eighty to hundred hour week.

Personally I'd play it cool for a week and see what happens, accepting there's a real possibility he is fading you, but letting it play out a little longer in case.

Do you know for sure what he's told you about his job and lifestyle is true?

Ah but men are never genuinely too busy, they’re always ghosting or fading or being some sort of twat. It can never be actually what they’re saying…

BeardedIrises · 24/11/2023 14:01

I think @ManateeFair has a point. The OP is catastrophising and second guessing on a very slim basis. I think she should manage her own emotions around his drop in contact, but think it would be self-defeating and slightly mad to delete him and decide the relationship is over just like that. It may be he has checked out. It may be he is a poor communicator. It maybe that the children meeting sparked something he’s unable to verbalise. It may be that he’s emotionally constipated. It may be that he’s genuinely busy. I have weeks where DH and I barely exchange a text. It may be any number of things.

None of it sounds like a reason to arbitrarily decide it’s over and block his number.

Original poster
Sameshitdifferentdayagain · 24/11/2023 14:04

@JANEY205 I've mentioned it because it's relevant. He's very invested in his work. He has no money issues to worry about if we did (eventually) become a blended family. I also think the disparity in our incomes/life styles is worth considering.

The only way i've mentioned his money to him is in a "OMG, your life is crazy compared to mine" way. I've actually turned down him offering to buy things for me on several occasions.

I let him pay for meals, drinks etc. though. He would never dream of letting me pay. I've offered.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sameshitdifferentdayagain · 24/11/2023 14:05

@FloydPepper Fair point🤣

OP posts:
Nowherenew · 24/11/2023 14:06

Sorry you’re going through this OP.

Depending on how long it’s been, I’d send him a message asking him to be honest and if he’s not into it to let you know so you can move on.

Tbh it sounds like you have completely opposite lives and so I don’t think this would have ever worked out.

blueshoes · 24/11/2023 14:06

BeardedIrises · 24/11/2023 14:01

I think @ManateeFair has a point. The OP is catastrophising and second guessing on a very slim basis. I think she should manage her own emotions around his drop in contact, but think it would be self-defeating and slightly mad to delete him and decide the relationship is over just like that. It may be he has checked out. It may be he is a poor communicator. It maybe that the children meeting sparked something he’s unable to verbalise. It may be that he’s emotionally constipated. It may be that he’s genuinely busy. I have weeks where DH and I barely exchange a text. It may be any number of things.

None of it sounds like a reason to arbitrarily decide it’s over and block his number.

I agree. Why try to get inside his head. As another poster said, genuine people go forward and then pull back but if they go forward again, they have reconciled whatever what making them pause and are on firmer ground.

Both of you will have baggage, so you have to take that into account.

Leave it, forget him (easier said than done) and 'live your best life'.

wited · 24/11/2023 14:06

He's probably met someone else recently.

Lucky escape if he's that fickle.

StopStartStop · 24/11/2023 14:07

My dignity says to just leave it

Listen to your dignity, she's right.
Block him. She'd say that, too.

Either, he's not rich and has been stringing you along, or he's found someone else to be interested in. Because he's a man and they have so many options.

Stick with your dignity, she won't let you down.

NeonSoda · 24/11/2023 14:07

MumblesParty · 24/11/2023 12:43

I’ve literally never heard of a case of a divorced man not pursuing a relationship that he’s keen on, because his ex wife put pressure on him!

Show quote history

Yeah that happened to me. I started to date a wonderful friend of mine and then his ex wife made our relationship untenable.

BoohooWoohoo · 24/11/2023 14:07

I think that people who do the slow fade are hoping that the other person will dump them. It will be sad and painful but dumping him will save you the anxiety and fear of being dumped at some unknown point in the future. Based on his behaviour, I doubt that he will be honest about why he’s suddenly done a u-turn. Have you considered the possibility that it’s not you and your kids and he always gets cold feet after 6 months ?

Next time, listen to your gut and wait until you are ready to introduce the kids. Don’t feel guilty that they met him if that’s how you are feeling. Meeting at soft play means that they barely spent time with him which means that they luckily didn’t become attached. Breaking up further down the line would have been more complicated.

Love is a major gamble and I understand how being a single mother makes the stakes higher. Make some time for you and your self esteem so when love comes round again, you will feel like you deserve it rather than undeserving like you currently do.

A 50 year old with a 6yo child probably has some relationship issues so don’t take the whole responsibility for things not working out.

Original poster
Sameshitdifferentdayagain · 24/11/2023 14:09

@fishshop I don't want to go into overly revealing details but his two young DC are the product of a short fling. I'll let you work out the rest.

He has two grown up DC from his actual marriage which lasted years. His ex wife and him are still good friends.

OP posts:
ollypollymolly · 24/11/2023 14:10

Maybe the blended dc day made him realise that life would be quite complicated with four kids in the mix, and he got cold feet, but he does really like you …. But he’s not sure…… and doesn’t want to dump after the dc day which was his idea.

Maybe he’s just conflicted so therefore is avoiding you as he wants to go back to how it was but realises he can’t, and it’s his fault.

you could send a breezy text saying ‘making plans for Christmas hols, are you in? No worries if not, it’s been nice knowing you and I enjoyed the time we had. Good luck !’

mangochops · 24/11/2023 14:10

The problem with the "he's clearly just genuinely busy" responses are: ok, how long is OP supposed to wait? She's already asked him if all is ok and he said he's busy. So, what does that actually mean for the OP?- she waits another week?, another month? another 3 months getting no responses at all? How long should she wait before he has time for a 30 second text message? Because if he is unable to communicate with her about this then it means she could end up wasting weeks of her life waiting around for a man who isnt interested and hasn't got the balls to tell her that.

Yes, people get busy- all of us have busy lives but if they are just sooo busy that they cant send a text message then why the heck are they dating anyone in the first place? they'd be better off staying single if they dont actually have the time to communicate with another person for 5 mins.

Fannyfiggs · 24/11/2023 14:10

It must feel awful OP.

I agree with some PP who have said just get on with your life and if he gets in touch you can then decide if you want to continue the relationship, rather then block or contact him again.

Flyinggeesei234 · 24/11/2023 14:10

PutinSmellsPassItOn · 24/11/2023 12:37

I don't think he's a spineless bastard...sounds like he realised bringing his kids into the mix wasn't for them. That doesn't make him a bad person, just someone who gets his priorities right. 🙄

This can’t be serious! Of course he has a right to not continue the relationship. It’s the lack of communication that’s appalling. Surely you can see that?

NearlyMonday · 24/11/2023 14:13

Depending on how long it’s been, I’d send him a message asking him to be honest and if he’s not into it to let you know so you can move on.

And then I assume you'll be able to see if he's read your message, and if he doesn't reply, then you know. Because if he wanted to continue the relationship, he would definitely reply.

OpenLanes · 24/11/2023 14:13

Do you think you came across as a bit intense maybe?
I'd try phoning him over the weekend to clarify what's going on. As I'm presuming you mean a bereavement for you not him?

ManchesterGirl2 · 24/11/2023 14:13

How do you get two children from a short fling? Unless they are twins?

Cricketbelle · 24/11/2023 14:14

It’s fine for posters to speculate of course but the bottom line is there is a lack of communication and for the OP it’s anxiety inducing!

2024writeanovel · 24/11/2023 14:14

I would leave it until he got in touch.

OhComeOnFFS · 24/11/2023 14:14

you could send a breezy text saying ‘making plans for Christmas hols, are you in? No worries if not, it’s been nice knowing you and I enjoyed the time we had. Good luck !’

If he's just been really busy then he's going to think "it's been nice knowing you" is really awful.

NotLactoseFree · 24/11/2023 14:16

Cna I just check this timeline:

He was suddenly too busy etc. Then he has not texted you in a week? When did you text him the "Everything okay?" message and when did he reply?

But I do think complete radio silence for a week is not okay at this point in a relationship. My parents did long distance when they first met due to my dad's work. He still wrote her a letter at LEAST once a week!