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Original poster

Slow fade after meeting my DC. So upset.

356 replies

Sameshitdifferentdayagain · 24/11/2023 11:54

This is a bit of a pathetic post but I really need to get it all out.

Been seeing a man for six months (fellow single parent of young DC) I've basically been on my own for 3.5 years since ex husband upped and left.

All was going well and I was actually entertaining thoughts that I might miraculously met someone decent. He seemed really keen on me and it was so nice to not feel alone after the last awful few years.

I recently met his (utterly adorable) little DC twice. We then arranged a play date day for all DC together. It was such a lovely day and I felt so happy after. It was his suggestion to arrange it. Not mine.

Now despite all that he's doing a not very subtle slow fade on me. Too busy to get together (he is a wealthy guy and a hard working businessman, but nobody is that busy) I've not heard from him in a week either whereas before he was in touch all the time. I know I've been dropped and God it hurts :( I gave him a chance despite how guarded I normally am and now I just feel like a fool. It's knocking my MH and life is a struggle for me as it is. He's clearly enjoyed playing with the plebs before going back to his much better life.

Why do some men have to be so unkind? It just don't get how they can treat people like we're so disposable.

OP posts:
Zippedydoodahday · 24/11/2023 13:02

As someone who works the kind of job where all hell can break loose and I can be so busy I genuinely don't have time to make a cup of tea or go for a wee, I am sympathetic to the possibility he might genuinely be too busy to engage. I have periods where I lose contact with everyone in my life for a few weeks (except my husband and child as I live with then) because I'm working an eighty to hundred hour week.

Personally I'd play it cool for a week and see what happens, accepting there's a real possibility he is fading you, but letting it play out a little longer in case.

Do you know for sure what he's told you about his job and lifestyle is true?

cmaalofshit · 24/11/2023 13:02

I think he should have the guts to end it rather than do a slow fade.
If he said he'd enjoyed the day out but had realized the implications of blending a family and it wasn't going to work out that would have been better.
But unfortunately the fade out/ghosting technique seems to be everywhere these days. Friends do it. Boyfriends do it. People don't seem to be able to say "Look, I'm sorry, but this isn't working for me any more because X,Y and Z so I'm afraid I'm calling it a day"

RaisinRainbow · 24/11/2023 13:03

Feel for you. Despite your cautious attitude, it must have been lovely to meet a nice guy and find out you have similarly aged kids, and guess what, they all got along.

Plus he was wealthy. As MM said “Don't you know that a man being rich is like a girl being pretty? You wouldn't marry a girl just because she's pretty, but my goodness, doesn't it help?”.

I know that wasn't your angle, but it could have been a really nice life!

It's going to be hard to choke down that ultimately you and your DC don't qualify. Especially after having introduced DC.

Who knows what's going on in his head. You'll prob never know as if you ask him you may get some BS to placate you.

Its going to feel sore for a time but these feelings will ease. And good for you for putting yourself out there. There's no way to know in advance how these things are going to play out, so banish any self-recrimination.

Better luck, and love next time.

PutinSmellsPassItOn · 24/11/2023 13:03

LuckySantangelo35 · 24/11/2023 12:47

@PutinSmellsPassItOn

are you trying to say OP shouldn’t have a relationship just because she kids?

Show quote history

No.

But the OP cannot speak for the other person who may have different priorities........a lot of people don't date when they have young dc. And if he's come to the realisation it isn't for him or them then that's fine. He doesn't owe the op or her dc anything.

Nomnomnom66 · 24/11/2023 13:05

Hi op, if there's a real disparity in wealth, someone might have said in his ear that you're a gold digger. Obviously I'm sure you're not but it might be the kids mum safeguarding their inheritance.

MsRosley · 24/11/2023 13:06

PutinSmellsPassItOn · 24/11/2023 12:37

I don't think he's a spineless bastard...sounds like he realised bringing his kids into the mix wasn't for them. That doesn't make him a bad person, just someone who gets his priorities right. 🙄

What makes him a spineless bastard is his refusal just to endure the discomfort of actually explaining this to OP. That's what makes him a bad person.

SurprisedWithAHorse · 24/11/2023 13:08

tinypottle · 24/11/2023 12:05

He wont be able to resist crawling back to check he still can

I think people over estimate how often men actually do this, especially after a short term relationship. They more likely just move on.

Maybe there was something that didn't gel with all the kids OP, but he should have explained and ended it properly.

You're back in the saddle now though, there will be someone else out there

I think people over estimate how often men actually do this, especially after a short term relationship. They more likely just move on.

I agree...and as long as you're still thinking about them crawling back, you haven't actually moved on yourself!

MyAnacondaMight · 24/11/2023 13:09

Why the focus on his wealth? I really don’t see why that’s relevant?

harerunner · 24/11/2023 13:09

@LBFseBrom

It isn't easy to break up with someone you really like, even when your reasons are sound. He probably thinks letting the relationship fizzle out is kinder than a face to face, that you will get the picture and move on.

No one ghosts someone after a six month relationship (especially one that's serious enough for kids to have met) because they are being kind, unless they are utterly socially clueless and lack any empathy.

He's not being kind. He's being a cowardly shit.

templeking · 24/11/2023 13:10

Could he genuinely be busy? Maybe he's suffered a bereavement?

Original poster
Sameshitdifferentdayagain · 24/11/2023 13:10

@MiddleParking His DC seemed to love it and he didn't seem to mind.

I wasn't totally OTT. More sitting with his DC on my lap etc. It was just instinct because I do genuinely love children and they are adorable. I had thought about checking afterwards if he minded but decided against it.

OP posts:
harerunner · 24/11/2023 13:12

I think people over estimate how often men actually do this, especially after a short term relationship. They more likely just move on.

I agree...and as long as you're still thinking about them crawling back, you haven't actually moved on yourself!

I agree, and on the occasion they do crawl back, it's rarely if ever the start of something long and stable... they flit off again as quickly as they crawled back!

Original poster
Sameshitdifferentdayagain · 24/11/2023 13:12

@Zippedydoodahday Yes it's true. There's stuff about his businesses and acheivements on the internet if you google his name. He's a very acomplished man.

OP posts:
willWillSmithsmith · 24/11/2023 13:14

It could be that he really is busy (he didn’t make all that money sitting watching daytime tv) and hasn’t really thought about how that looks. Even if he is not fading but is just a very focused businessman I’d be wary of having a relationship with someone whose finances snd lifestyle are so different to mine (from my own experience). They just always seem to be in the driving seat and you end up feeling more like an employee than a partner.

PattyDukeAstin · 24/11/2023 13:14

Maybe he looked at all the children running around together and thought 'this is going to be too much' - you say he is a wealthy business man in his 50's - guess he had his own children later and is worried about adding more. However that does not excuse the slow fade.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 24/11/2023 13:15

Sorry, OP, but you sound extremely invested in his children when you really don't know them yet or they you.

I think perhaps this is just a mis-match and you like him more than he is willing to give you. You have options - let him dictate how long he will string you along - or you call a halt to it and save yourself the stomach-lurching and anguish of it.

He wouldn't be too busy to get in touch, he had no problem with that beforehand. I'm sorry, you deserve a lot better than him and my advice to a friend would be to take control and remove him from your orbit - whether you tell him or not.

spillyo · 24/11/2023 13:15

What was it that first attracted you to him?

harerunner · 24/11/2023 13:15

templeking · 24/11/2023 13:10

Could he genuinely be busy? Maybe he's suffered a bereavement?

Short of literally being completely incapacitated in hospital, if he cared about the OP and wanted the relationship to continue, he'd have told her if something shit had happened like a bereavement.

MsRosley · 24/11/2023 13:16

Yet another thread where there's an astonishing low bar for male behaviour.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 24/11/2023 13:17

One thing that truly makes me angry though...

Why is a man with children viewed as some sort of excellent specimen, worthy of a relationship and anything else they want when a woman with children is somehow seen as 'less than' by so many men? It's disgusting and so unfair.

Original poster
Sameshitdifferentdayagain · 24/11/2023 13:18

@RaisinRainbow It was so nice. It made me feel less on my own and I really fell for his DC even though i only met them twice.

Him being rich was a nice bonus but I genuinely just liked him as a person. I felt such a spark and connection and i thought he did as well :(

He's very practical and solution focused as well. Which felt nice after being with my wet dishcloth of an ex.

OP posts:
fishshop · 24/11/2023 13:18

Tbh if he’s in his 50s and his oldest child is under 6 and he’s not with their mum- this would be a huge red flag for me

sounds like a huge commitmentphobe

i’d try and think of the best case scenario of him being a late bloomer if there was a yacht involved….but yeah that’s a bit weird.

arethereanyleftatall · 24/11/2023 13:19

Eh @LyingWitchInTheWardrobe ?!? I avoid men with young children like the plague!

harerunner · 24/11/2023 13:19

@PutinSmellsPassItOn

But the OP cannot speak for the other person who may have different priorities........a lot of people don't date when they have young dc. And if he's come to the realisation it isn't for him or them then that's fine. He doesn't owe the op or her dc anything.

Of course he owes her something.... to be told that the relationship is over and, after six months, some kind of explanation!

I pity people you date if this is your "throw-away" attitude!

ManateeFair · 24/11/2023 13:22

I think there is a massive leap from 'Perhaps this relationship isn't going to work out' to 'Men are unkind and treat people like they're disposable' and 'He just wanted to amuse himself by playing with the plebs'.

There are a million reasons why someone might want to end a relationship (although I notice that he hasn't actually done that, you've just assumed he has) and they're entitled to do that.

If one of my female friends came to me and said 'So, I've been dating a man for six months, and he's lovely, and he met my kids a couple of times and then I suggested we introduce my kids to his. We had a nice day together but ... I don't know, it all suddenly feels a bit much? I just think it all feels like it's gone from 0 to 60 really quickly and I'm not sure this is right for me' I wouldn't think she was being 'unkind'. I'd think that her feelings were perfectly valid and that perhaps she should, at the very least, perhaps dial down the intensity a bit to see how things worked out.'

Maybe that's how your boyfriend felt. Maybe meeting your kids made him realise that your parenting styles are very different or something, and that made him feel it wouldn't work. Maybe he thought it would all be fine but then the reality of seeing all the kids playing together made him realise that he just doesn't want more kids in his life. That doesn't mean he's unkind, it just means his feelings have changed.

Also - and I don't mean this to be horrible in any way - to me, the level of anger and upset, and the assumptions you're making in your posts, feel quite extreme from someone talking about a relationship that's only been going on for six months. Six months, to me, also feels really early to me for introducing kids etc. Is it possible that maybe it all felt a bit too much for him?