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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Slow fade after meeting my DC. So upset.

356 replies

Sameshitdifferentdayagain · 24/11/2023 11:54

This is a bit of a pathetic post but I really need to get it all out.

Been seeing a man for six months (fellow single parent of young DC) I've basically been on my own for 3.5 years since ex husband upped and left.

All was going well and I was actually entertaining thoughts that I might miraculously met someone decent. He seemed really keen on me and it was so nice to not feel alone after the last awful few years.

I recently met his (utterly adorable) little DC twice. We then arranged a play date day for all DC together. It was such a lovely day and I felt so happy after. It was his suggestion to arrange it. Not mine.

Now despite all that he's doing a not very subtle slow fade on me. Too busy to get together (he is a wealthy guy and a hard working businessman, but nobody is that busy) I've not heard from him in a week either whereas before he was in touch all the time. I know I've been dropped and God it hurts :( I gave him a chance despite how guarded I normally am and now I just feel like a fool. It's knocking my MH and life is a struggle for me as it is. He's clearly enjoyed playing with the plebs before going back to his much better life.

Why do some men have to be so unkind? It just don't get how they can treat people like we're so disposable.

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 24/11/2023 22:23

I don't think the blocked person can tell if they've been blocked on WhatsApp?

i think whatsapp has changed this

as to test (😂) me and my female both blocked each other (she’s blocked someone )

and in one case the photo remained , one it didn’t

but always one grey tick

LuckySantangelo35 · 24/11/2023 22:25

kombuchakween · 24/11/2023 20:03

It all sounds a bit much tbh.

Dating at all with kids that young.

Him having kids that young at his age.

Introducing the kids so early.

Holding them on laps and saying you 'fell in love' with them.

Repeatedly talking about his money.

The huge reaction/emotional outburst about how men are all like this and you might have known nothing good would happen to you etc etc.

I don't mean any of this in an unkind way. I'm saying that you characterise it all as so perfect, but from an outside perspective it sounds like a perfect storm of things that aren't quite right - for both of you. I hope you get some time to build your own confidence ready to meet someone nice at a later date.

@kombuchakween

why shouldn’t he or OP date? Just because they have kids?!

Ixoral · 24/11/2023 22:30

outragedvoyager · 24/11/2023 21:18

@Trommelgeroffel OP is (I am guessing from age of kids) probably in her thirties, I was just pointing out that she is probably less baggy and saggy than someone in their fifties, and she might prefer someone firmer to match her! What is wrong with that?

OP has already said she is mid 40’s so you are guessing wrong!

fuchsteufelswild · 24/11/2023 22:31

@WonderLife Neither do I.

If he then proceeded to beat around the bush though I'd lose all respect for him and I'd be over it the moment it happened. That's also clarity.

BackAgainstWall · 24/11/2023 22:35

Never chase.

The only thing that chasing achieves is you feeling like shit and regretting it afterwards.

Don’t block him either. Just keep him hanging, like he is doing to you.

1975wasthebest · 24/11/2023 23:00

Never chase. The only thing that chasing achieves is you feeling like shit and regretting it afterwards.

Have to agree on this. And I don't know if you've read all the replies, but you could tie yourself up in knots ruminating on the speculative reasons on why he's seemingly dropped you, and it wouldn't be worthwhile. It hurts - of course it hurts - and yes he should have had an open conversation with you, but he's shown you how he feels about you. I wouldn't initiate contact again.

Weddingblues23 · 24/11/2023 23:10

All this shite about not saying anything and 'retaining dignity' is bollocks. I can't think of anything that screams low self esteem more than being treated like shit and meekly taking it in silence like a doormat. Take him at face value, he's said he is busy - message him to say that if he's genuinely busy fine, but that there is a marked difference in how much youre in contact and if he's looking for a way to call it quits that is also fine but you would prefer that he just says so and gives a reason.

But OP - what is the timeline here? How long ago did you do the playdate and what messages were sent afterwards and when? If it was last weekend I would give it a few days - he might be slammed at work and have more bandwidth over the weekend to engage (not justifying his limited contact though, that would need to be nipped in the bud if things did work out after all)

ThreeLocusts · 24/11/2023 23:19

This is a bit of a study for me coming from Central Europe, and from a milieu where people sort of like to ponder together.

Even when reading Harry Potter to my kid, I sometimes think 'why won't these Anglophones talk stuff over?'

Give him a call. Wanting clarity isn't injurious to your dignity. I hope there's been a misunderstanding, but if it's all over, take courage, you've done nothing wrong. Being optimistic once in a while is not stupid.

Canthave2manycats · 24/11/2023 23:27

Sameshitdifferentdayagain · 24/11/2023 15:28

@lilyandrosa Well I've actually been dating Jeff Bezos🤣🤣

My instinct is to just call him and find out what's going on. But then there's all the stuff about not chasing and keeping your dignity.

I suppose it doesn't matter either way if he's losr interest. Radio silence hurts just as much as phone call clarity.

I'm too old for this shit🤣

I'm old and way past dating. I think you should call him and see what's going on. I never could stand game playing anyway. I've always liked up-front.

Hopefully he can explain but if he can't and is no longer invested in your relationship, walk away with your head held high.

Bigcat25 · 24/11/2023 23:35

Weddingblues23 · 24/11/2023 23:10

All this shite about not saying anything and 'retaining dignity' is bollocks. I can't think of anything that screams low self esteem more than being treated like shit and meekly taking it in silence like a doormat. Take him at face value, he's said he is busy - message him to say that if he's genuinely busy fine, but that there is a marked difference in how much youre in contact and if he's looking for a way to call it quits that is also fine but you would prefer that he just says so and gives a reason.

But OP - what is the timeline here? How long ago did you do the playdate and what messages were sent afterwards and when? If it was last weekend I would give it a few days - he might be slammed at work and have more bandwidth over the weekend to engage (not justifying his limited contact though, that would need to be nipped in the bud if things did work out after all)

Agree with this and the last few comments asking for clarity. You deserve that after six months.

Lilylula · 24/11/2023 23:37

I'm really sorry it didn't work out. It sounds gutting. At the same time, better now than when your children really knew him. Be kind to yourself. His reasons may have nothing to do with you as a person.

harerunner · 25/11/2023 00:06

HarrietStyles · 24/11/2023 19:04

It’s only been one week, I wouldn’t call that a slow fade. I know it’s hard when you are really into someone and your mind goes racing, thinking all sorts of worst case scenarios. But just give him a little space and time and wait for him to message you. Yes he may have done a 180…….. but I’d say there is a good chance he’s just had a really busy and stressful week, has something big going on personally or at work, had a bit of a wobble after getting all the kids together and wanted to take space for a few days to process his feelings. Don’t do anything silly and block him, like some people are saying. After a week of low contact, that’s just a crazy over reaction! Give him space and see what happens, give him the benefit of the doubt for a few more days.

As many other posters have said... It doesn't matter how busy you are, a quick message takes no time at all. If someone doesn't message over the course of a week, they're either not interested... or so spectacularly poor at basic communication that you wouldn't want to be in a relationship with them anyway!

harerunner · 25/11/2023 00:13

@ZforZebra

I’m sorry it didn’t work out, but your reactions seem over the top for a 6 month relationship.

Only on MN do people seem to believe strong feelings take more than 6 months to develop. 🤷. In real life, most people are feeling giddy and head over heels at the point (if you feel things are going well of course!)

Calliopespa · 25/11/2023 00:13

I’m not sure I would push for an explanation and certainly wouldn’t block him or end it. Those tend to be short term “ band aid” solutions for the current ( barely bearable) uncertainty and hurt by giving yourself the illusion of control. But longer term you may wonder if things might have been different if you didn’t self sabotage. It does sound as though he is pausing at the very least, and probably ( wince) backing off. But if you possibly can, keep busy, organise a few nice activities to remind yourself there is a world beyond him and leave it to fate - knowing that most probably he’s backing off. You’ve asked what’s up already. The ball is in his court and there isn’t much to be gained in real terms from marching onto his side of the court and hitting his shot for him. I know that’s hard - but it seems you really fell for him and in the long run I think it will give you more peace of mind.

Canthave2manycats · 25/11/2023 00:20

You are both mature adults, and after 6 months and your children actually meeting, you deserve to know where you stand.

Just ask him.

YerArseInParsley · 25/11/2023 00:33

@Sameshitdifferentdayagain

You mention your man has money and the mn fanatics don't disappoint. You clearly must be a gold Digger if he's got more money than you🤣

I'm the kind that can't let it go and would need to call and ask what's going on, ask, do you want to end this? but then I'd tell my friends to ignore him and tell him to p off if he came crawling back. If you need answers then do call but only once, otherwise just leave it to see how long it takes him to make contact if at all, if its an ongoing thing that he's slowly bowing out you could always get in their first and say you want to take some time for yourself and call it a day.

How often does he contact you and how often was it before?

bevm72yellow · 25/11/2023 01:34

Maybe you have good boundaries and his need is for someone with less boundaries so he can have his needs met ( substitute Mum/ helper/ assistant/ company on his days off) You are maybe independent and unreliant on help. It all just hurts because you got to know him and you had hopeful expectations from him. You didn't fail just he failed to get the woman he wants so he backed away. Plus for you somebody " successfull" is appealing ( as it is for many women) whereas if he was unemployed and successful it holds less attraction. Please keep your boundaries as your kids so much from you

bevm72yellow · 25/11/2023 01:35

Learn so much

WavingCatsandDogs · 25/11/2023 02:19

You say you are both parents of young DC you ,say you have met his little DC then say he has grown up children?

Confused.

Trez1510 · 25/11/2023 02:38

@WavingCatsandDogs

If I read the posts correctly, the man had a wife of long-standing with whom he had children (now adults), he's now divorced from her and remains friends with her.

Between his divorce and the OP, he had a fling with someone who had his twins (aged 3 now?), of whom he has 70% custody.

WavingCatsandDogs · 25/11/2023 03:23

@Trez1510 thank you!

user1492757084 · 25/11/2023 05:06

He actually might be just very busy.

Are you cut out to be the partner of a business man who is sometimes very busy? I would want to receive proper respectful confirmation about where the relationship is headed, so I would not block.

LittleGlowingOblong · 25/11/2023 05:28

Maybe this play date in his mind was a shift to a more serious relationship, and he now feels you’re past the early stages of texting frequently. Or else he’s just digesting things.

If l were a sucessful business with unplanned twins who were with me 70% if the time I’d be rushed off my feet. And with the energy of a 50-something….

I hope you get clarity soon. 6 months is a long time to invest if you’re busy, which you both are, so I wouldn’t write him off just yet.

Alohapotato · 25/11/2023 07:24

No one is so busy to not be able to text, we all go to the toilet, he can text you meanwhile he is in the bathroom..

morbidd · 25/11/2023 07:39

I don't think there is anything pathetic or desperate in seeking some validation on the situation.

After all, you've given him your time for six months, met his children and he's met yours.

I think it's justifiable to want to know what's happening, especially since there are little ones involved.