Slow fade after meeting my DC. So upset.

[Sameshitdifferentdayagain]

This is a bit of a pathetic post but I really need to get it all out.

Been seeing a man for six months (fellow single parent of young DC) I've basically been on my own for 3.5 years since ex husband upped and left.

All was going well and I was actually entertaining thoughts that I might miraculously met someone decent. He seemed really keen on me and it was so nice to not feel alone after the last awful few years.

I recently met his (utterly adorable) little DC twice. We then arranged a play date day for all DC together. It was such a lovely day and I felt so happy after. It was his suggestion to arrange it. Not mine.

Now despite all that he's doing a not very subtle slow fade on me. Too busy to get together (he is a wealthy guy and a hard working businessman, but nobody is that busy) I've not heard from him in a week either whereas before he was in touch all the time. I know I've been dropped and God it hurts :( I gave him a chance despite how guarded I normally am and now I just feel like a fool. It's knocking my MH and life is a struggle for me as it is. He's clearly enjoyed playing with the plebs before going back to his much better life.

Why do some men have to be so unkind? It just don't get how they can treat people like we're so disposable.

I wonder if you were actually being secretly interviewed for the position of mum figure and general carer of home and children.

I would think that too.

@Sameshitdifferentdayagain

how long is it since you’ve heard from him though?

if it’s just been a week with a different frequency to usual and when you asked ‘everything ok’? He said ‘yes work busy’

I suggest you give it some time. Wait for him to come to you.

as PP said if he does something like work in financial services, or lawyer or client facing work it can be that work goes crazy and it squeezes out everything else.

my DH does something like this and even in our early days of dating he did fall off the map for around a week when they had a deal closing.

he explained why, I said low contact when busy was fine for me but being ignored was not. So I expected him to reply to my text even if it was 3am by the time he got around to it and I’d read it when I woke up. And likewise him to keep me posted on outlook when he expected to free up.

15 years on….

he does do that. BUT the reality of these jobs is

• they do demand this level of commitment. This is part of what being paid £££ a year buys. Mumsnet often forgets this and is skeptical about high earners. They are around and many of them work very very hard including prioritising work demands over their personal life, for it.
• it attracts an obsessional / committed personality type so they lean into the above and as a group of colleagues, which drives norms and expectations around work commitments above everything 24/7

and this means DH still disappears into a work tunnel from time to time. Even with two young kids and knowing I have a demanding job of my own.

he can travel for a full week and then after one day off / sleeping stay int he office until midnight every night the following week perhaps with an all nighters thrown in one night.

he has also spent at least one to two days working on every holiday we’ve ever taken, including our honeymoon

i don’t love that and maybe if I had my time again I’d think a bit harder about what I was signing up for.

So if he does come back, it’s worth a frank conversation around all of this.

at 50 he’s not going to suddenly change his working norms for you

he can, though, if things develop, pay for high quality childcare and housework support to fill the gaps he leaves

Next time he makes an excuse, send him a message: “I’m too busy to wait around. Wish you and the kids all the best” and then block him on everything.

If your lifestyles are chalk and cheese then he may have really liked you but come to the realisation you aren’t very suited after 6 months. I’ve done it a few times, met someone who isn’t my normal type then realised it just isn’t going to work. It’s shit for you but doesn’t mean he’s a bad person.

@Sameshitdifferentdayagain I can totally see why that would be upsetting. Especially since you let your guard down, met his kids and he yours. Ignore posters suggesting you are gold digging, its nasty and you dont need to respond to people like that. Saddos! - I think you are best not contacting him. If a man of his age and success honestly hasnt the balls to have an honest conversation about where he now stands in the relationship then you are better off away from him. Life is too short to be with a coward! you are worth 10 x more than him.

There is a chance that he is caught up in some work issue so I wouldn’t risk it by having a go at him. I’d just leave it at that- in case he does get in touch after a crisis and apologises.

I think its hurting more OP because you allowed yourself to dream. Dream what it would be like to be with someone like him. To live in his house and have his lifestyle?

I am absolutely not saying you were/are interested in him because he is wealthy. What I am saying is that you were impressed by his wealth. It opened up the possibility of an entirely different world. Add to that his joyfulness and his enthusiasm for lots of different things (and be in no doubt that his joy is in no small means disconnected to his wealth).

When I was in my 30s I met a man who sounds very like him. Neither of us had children. He was successful and rich and on tv because he was an expert in his field. When I met him, I didn't know anything about him. I'd never heard of him. Of course after seeing his home and lifestyle, I googled him. We saw each other approx six months and he ended things. I was really really upset. I later found out that was his standard relationship period. He even told me afterwards that he loved being a bachelor. I was upset because I thought he was a genuinely nice guy. I was upset because I felt humiliated that I wasn't enough for him. I was upset because my dreams for the future went up in smoke.

But I did get over him. And you will too OP.

This hasn't anything to do with your children and it probably hasn't anything to do with you either. He might have thought he wanted (for a while) a new relationship. He probably didn't overthink letting the kids meet up. They are all small anyway so no harm will have been done. A man like that will have many opportunities to date women. He is probably someone who doesn't commit. You may even have been his longest commitment since the children's mother. It won't have been anything you said or did OP.

For your sake, just cut contact and try to move on. There is no point 'calling him out' or letting him know how hurt you are. Do you think he'd come running back saying it was just a misunderstanding and things would resume to being how they were? They won't. Its over.

@TellingBone

what on earth would you end your relationship over that?!
you just reassure the child that they are not trying to replace their mother.

“Financially rich” men will ALWAYS be in demand by women- He subliminally will know this.
Someone I know is dating the “adult child” of a ridiculously wealthy family - private jet to holiday homes rich.
BUT the wealthy half of the partnership absolutely knows their attraction.

They have hangers on aplenty.

It is another world.

People with youth and “looks” can capitalise on it - That’s what they bring to the table.

If the twins of this man were born of a brief liaison maybe he’s worried about more kids happening?
He should have been honest.

Going to go against the grain here and say to call him out on it. I did and it gave my date the shake he needed. He's now my husband and we've been together for years. I have asked him what made him pull away / do the slow fade and he finds it quite difficult to explain - sudden fear of something permanent, wasn't sure what I wanted out of it. I called it out as I had nothing to lose.

But here's the thing, at this stage, you shouldn't be thinking about how it comes across or what his opinion is.

The important thing is he'll never know. Just like you'll never 100% know whether he was telling the truth about his DC. It doesn't matter in the grand scheme of life. And why wouldn't it be true that you've decided to move on and you've met someone else, it's absolutely possible. Just give it a couple of weeks of NC and send the message when he least expects it. Silence, then BANG!

If nothing else his fragile male ego will be quashed and its a mechanism to enable you to move forward, on your own terms, to give yourself back the control, hold your head high and enable you to put him in a box and throw away the key.

@strathanna Not all men are same as we all know.

Hope you both are lovers all time.

I think getting the DCs together has either given him the collywobbles that this is serious and/or his DC may have said something to him or to her DM that has been reported back.

I don't think it's the end of the world to message and say you're hurt he hasn't been in touch. After 6 months he does owe you an explanation if he has decided to end the relationship.

From your update it's seems as though he didn't like you in the mother role with his kids, maybe he felt it was a bit much?

Sounds like a coward if he can't be honest now

Very likely. If I were him, I would want to date in my income bracket anyway. I wouldn't want to date someone who I might possibly think was after my money.

Don't call him. There is nothing to be gained and much to lose. If he was truly in love, then he will call you. If he doesn't call, then you have your pride and dignity intact, which is better than nothing.

I would put money on him having moved on to someone younger. Not necessarily any one specific woman, but the playdate will have reinforced that. His type always wants more kids with younger women.

I think this is a good idea actually. Deal with it head on and encourage openness. If you start off communicating well it’s a good start.

”I’ve noticed that you have been in contact with me much less recently. I’m wondering if you are still interested in progressing this between us or if you are wanted to stop or slow things down.”

if he can’t give a blunt answer to that then I’d not want to be messing about with him anyway.

Tell him that not me! I wouldn't end a relationship over it but he might.

Similar thing happened to me - guy was simply chatting to me and child threw an absolute tantrum and dragged him away. End of potential romance. 😆

I’m sorry it didn’t work out, but your reactions seem over the top for a 6 month relationship. You come across as a bit too intense with his kids who you’ve only met a few times. You constantly mention the difference in wealth almost like you resent him being rich or are insecure about the difference (e.g: saying he would never understand your struggles as a “poor person” and describe yourself as a “pleb” etc.) I think this being your first serious(ish) relationship after an awful one meant maybe you put too much hope and expectation on it and him too quickly and idealized things.

The slow fade is immature, but It sounds like you were over invested in this and that’s why you’re feeling so crap and about the whole thing. FWIW he could well just be busy (as he said), but clearly you expect/need more attention than he can give you at this stage. Cut your losses, dust yourself off, and next time take it slower before going all in, especially where kids (yours or his) are involved.

Think you have dodged a bullet here. Wouldn't you have ended up having to parent 4 kids instead of 2 if he's incredibly busy (possibly workaholic if he is so successful) and his ex has them 70 percent of time? That sounds exhausting. I guess you could employ a nanny if that happened but that might be strange for you? Also bit concerning that he seems to have had his kids in his late forties. Do you know why he left it so late? Do you know why he and his partner split? He might have a whole basket load of issues that you don't know about yet. Are you a lot younger than him? It might be tiresome later to have an older partner with health needs etc.

OP,

It’s really important that you take some deep breaths right now and remember that you are worthy.

It's really disappointing for you if you thought there was a future with him. It's anybody's guess the reason why he seems to be ending it. I'd say the most likely one was that he doesn't want the lifestyle that goes with bringing up small children. Soft play and all that. He'd probably rather be on his yacht than at soft play. But you deserve an explanation rather than just being ghosted.

OP, I think he's behaved in a really shitty way. There is no way that someone is so busy for a whole entire week that they can't send a text to someone they've been in a relationship with for 6 fucking months!

I'd send a text to him 'Presumably the lack of contact for the past week means that you've decided that things are over between us? In any case, just not bothering to contact me for days on end isn't what I want from a relationship, so let's call it a day.'