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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Slow fade after meeting my DC. So upset.

356 replies

Sameshitdifferentdayagain · 24/11/2023 11:54

This is a bit of a pathetic post but I really need to get it all out.

Been seeing a man for six months (fellow single parent of young DC) I've basically been on my own for 3.5 years since ex husband upped and left.

All was going well and I was actually entertaining thoughts that I might miraculously met someone decent. He seemed really keen on me and it was so nice to not feel alone after the last awful few years.

I recently met his (utterly adorable) little DC twice. We then arranged a play date day for all DC together. It was such a lovely day and I felt so happy after. It was his suggestion to arrange it. Not mine.

Now despite all that he's doing a not very subtle slow fade on me. Too busy to get together (he is a wealthy guy and a hard working businessman, but nobody is that busy) I've not heard from him in a week either whereas before he was in touch all the time. I know I've been dropped and God it hurts :( I gave him a chance despite how guarded I normally am and now I just feel like a fool. It's knocking my MH and life is a struggle for me as it is. He's clearly enjoyed playing with the plebs before going back to his much better life.

Why do some men have to be so unkind? It just don't get how they can treat people like we're so disposable.

OP posts:
Novelhelp · 24/11/2023 18:15

daisychain01 · 24/11/2023 17:23

But here's the thing, at this stage, you shouldn't be thinking about how it comes across or what his opinion is.

The important thing is he'll never know. Just like you'll never 100% know whether he was telling the truth about his DC. It doesn't matter in the grand scheme of life. And why wouldn't it be true that you've decided to move on and you've met someone else, it's absolutely possible. Just give it a couple of weeks of NC and send the message when he least expects it. Silence, then BANG!

If nothing else his fragile male ego will be quashed and its a mechanism to enable you to move forward, on your own terms, to give yourself back the control, hold your head high and enable you to put him in a box and throw away the key.

Edited

OP Don’t do this. It’s so transparent - playing games, trying to show him what he lost - it won’t achieve anything and and you will come across as pathetic and another of his ‘dodged a bullet’ stories to laugh about with his friends.

Alohapotato · 24/11/2023 18:27

He might be dating two women at the same time and he chose the other and gosthed you.

You already text him, if he wants to see you he can ask you out, just move on.

Gymnopedie · 24/11/2023 18:32

I'd have to call him. Keep it light, if he wants to end things that's fine (even if that's a bit of a fib on your part)

I can deal far better with what I know than what I don't know, when all sorts of scenarios come into my head.

willWillSmithsmith · 24/11/2023 18:36

mangochops · 24/11/2023 14:10

The problem with the "he's clearly just genuinely busy" responses are: ok, how long is OP supposed to wait? She's already asked him if all is ok and he said he's busy. So, what does that actually mean for the OP?- she waits another week?, another month? another 3 months getting no responses at all? How long should she wait before he has time for a 30 second text message? Because if he is unable to communicate with her about this then it means she could end up wasting weeks of her life waiting around for a man who isnt interested and hasn't got the balls to tell her that.

Yes, people get busy- all of us have busy lives but if they are just sooo busy that they cant send a text message then why the heck are they dating anyone in the first place? they'd be better off staying single if they dont actually have the time to communicate with another person for 5 mins.

She doesn’t really have to do (or wait) for anything if she just carries on with her life and sees what happens. If she hasn’t heard back in a week I’d call it a day. She’s reached out to him so the ball is in his court re a response. If there’s still no response in a week that’s her answer. No matter how busy he is another week of no response is definitely unacceptable. I wouldn’t block just yet as I’d be too curious to see if he does respond.

coxesorangepippin · 24/11/2023 18:37

”I’ve noticed that you have been in contact with me much less recently. I’m wondering if you are still interested in progressing this between us or if you are wanted to stop or slow things down.”

^

Oh fuck that.

It's just all fluff. Don't text at all. 'stop or slow things down'??? Because it's HIS choice?? Fuck him

Just move on, op.

MrsLighthouse · 24/11/2023 18:38

He is not good enough for you or your children. Someone else will be . It’s horrid but he’s a worm and you can hold your head high.

outragedvoyager · 24/11/2023 18:45

Is he not a bit saggier and baggier than you OP? I am assuming you are are in your thirties from the age of your kids. It does all go a bit loose and droopy in your fifties (I speak as a saggy fifty something) - is that not off-putting when you could potentially be with someone a bit firmer?

outragedvoyager · 24/11/2023 18:46

also let's face it, having a yacht is a bit naff

BlueEyedPeanut · 24/11/2023 18:55

Don't humiliate yourself by messaging him. Just move on with your life. Even if he does message you again, it just shows you that he thinks it's ok to pick you and put you down when it suits him. No thanks. You aren't a toy.

CupOfNaff · 24/11/2023 19:02

Sorry you're hurting OP. Flowers

I agree with pps - I think someone who is "super-rich" and going for someone in a hugely different social group to them, is probably very aware of the power differential.

Like when someone consciously seeks out someone younger as they are easier to mould?

(I'd say someone in his "peer group", also well-off, maybe not super-loaded but say a surgeon from a rich family, wouldn't have been someone he couldn't have "dropped as easily" as there would be social repercussions).

I'm "vague lower middle class" myself and when I've socialised/dated very affluent types there often is this dynamic.

They can be VERY charming, but there is an unspoken boundary there, especially when it comes to the "things that really matter to them". And yes, their wealth does cushion them from their actions a lot.

I know someone who trained with royals (GOSSIP) and everyone said they were very civilised, very charming, remembered everyone's names....but made very sure they took steps and "kept their actual friendship groups sacrosant".

Maybe if you're working together or were at uni together or are genuinely part of the same social group, the vibe is different, but if you've just met as an older person "in the wilderness" out of context, then I'm not surprised by his behaviour tbh. No accountability.

I also am not sure it would have necessarily been a healthy relationship longer term...you're in quite a vulnerable position with two small kids and feeling the financial strain (absolutely not criticising you for this, the CoL crisis has got everyone down)?

How would the dynamics have worked anyway? Would your kids have been the "poor stepkids" compared to his? Would they have played together, but his having million pound inheritances and yours student loans? Would you have expected him to bring your kids up to his kids standard of living? What if his children resented yours? Would his travel first class and yours in coach?

(obviously it's hurting now, but it could have got worse down the line...just look at the StepParents board!)

Like pps say, I think onwards and upwards is best here. I'd block and forget or leave messages "read and not reply" or whatever works best. You don't want someone who makes you feel the way you are feeling now in your life.

You've had a six month dating experience (hopefully some shagging and good memories) and I really would just chalk to experience and practice self-care and don't get caught up in negative thoughts and "what ifs".

Loads of women have had similar experiences (with rich and poor and middling men) don't let this drag you down or define you. It would have been worse if you had got involved more.

Maybe you can think about steps to improve the financial outlook for you and your children (if you aren't doing this already).

HarrietStyles · 24/11/2023 19:04

It’s only been one week, I wouldn’t call that a slow fade. I know it’s hard when you are really into someone and your mind goes racing, thinking all sorts of worst case scenarios. But just give him a little space and time and wait for him to message you. Yes he may have done a 180…….. but I’d say there is a good chance he’s just had a really busy and stressful week, has something big going on personally or at work, had a bit of a wobble after getting all the kids together and wanted to take space for a few days to process his feelings. Don’t do anything silly and block him, like some people are saying. After a week of low contact, that’s just a crazy over reaction! Give him space and see what happens, give him the benefit of the doubt for a few more days.

MayThe4th · 24/11/2023 19:05

I don’t understand all the blocking and what-not that goes on. Is it any wonder that relationships are so difficult when people play games and block each other left right and centre rather than having a conversation like the adults they claim to be?

TBH I imagine it’s possible that meeting the kids has made this more real. It’s one thing to see each other, to spend time together as a couple, it’s quite another to start introducing the kids and becoming a family so to speak. Because even if you don’t intend to blend in the traditional sense, you are blending as soon as the kids are introduced. And if you don’t want to be a blended family, then having kids aged between 3-6 suddenly brings home the reality that being a proper couple isn’t going to be on the cards for the next 15 years at least.

But I would genuinely just ask him. The problem is that sometimes one party goes quiet, then people advise the other party not to communicate, and before you know it nobody is speaking to anybody. Call him and ask. If he then stays silent move on. But you at least need to seek an answer before going down the block route.

balmysummerevening · 24/11/2023 19:06

There is no fcking way a person doesnt have 20 seconds spare in an entire week to send a text message. I dont care if you are the president of the USA, everyone has 20 seconds either just before they go to sleep, on the toilet, whilst eating breakfast, on their commute (if its train or someone else is driving), etc etc. If you can eat, sleep, shower and go to the loo, then you have time to send a bloody text message. If its important to you, you'll do it.

If he really was interested he'd say "I've got a lot on my plate this week, so might not be around much but I'm around Friday evening or Sun morning for a chat- lets catch up then" That took literally less than 10 seconds to type out. "Busy" is another word for arsehole.

NearlyMonday · 24/11/2023 19:26

Unless you’re in a coma or have been taken hostage, you can find time to send a quick text message

Bigcat25 · 24/11/2023 19:36

Op, it sounds like his kids don't have the best mom and he got cold feet after seeing you together. He may not want his kids to get hurt after being becoming attached to you.

I often get distracted myself (my have adhd?) so I can understand him being slow to get back if bogged down at work.

I'd call him about it and ask his feelings, ie, if he had an issue with you having his kids on his lap, etc; and explain that your not in a rush to combine, and that you my need to discuss parenting styles further before doing this.

Trommelgeroffel · 24/11/2023 19:41

Every minute you're wondering about why he's "gone off you", what you "did wrong" etc is another minute wasted on this man.

Not that there's anything wrong with him, by the sounds of it, but you and he are clearly not meant to be - for whatever reason - so draw a line under it all in your own mind and move on.

And whoever said that people in their 50s are saggy and baggy can piss off! I am in my 50s and am neither of those things. Whatever this man has done wrong (or not), being in his 50s is not one of those things.

5128gap · 24/11/2023 19:43

FrasierReboot · 24/11/2023 18:14

OP, I think he's behaved in a really shitty way. There is no way that someone is so busy for a whole entire week that they can't send a text to someone they've been in a relationship with for 6 fucking months!

I'd send a text to him 'Presumably the lack of contact for the past week means that you've decided that things are over between us? In any case, just not bothering to contact me for days on end isn't what I want from a relationship, so let's call it a day.'

Yes, this. Completely agree with you. No one is ever too busy to message someone they want to be in a relationship with. Even if the message just says 'Sorry I'm really busy'.

tiv2020 · 24/11/2023 19:47

Op, I am sorry that you are hurting right now.
You come across as a really nice person.
I would wait for a few more days and if still no communication from his side would then text to say that you understand he is not keen on continuing the relationship, and that you wish him all the best.
Be the grown up.

Novelhelp · 24/11/2023 19:50

CupOfNaff Excellent post.

Okaaaay · 24/11/2023 19:52

I’m sorry OP, that’s really sad. To have a taste of something comforting and fun (and a ray of hope of what might be), and then for it to be gone is cruel. I hope this thread helps you grieve a little and that you can move on. You sound like a good mum and person and deserve to be happy.

kombuchakween · 24/11/2023 20:03

It all sounds a bit much tbh.

Dating at all with kids that young.

Him having kids that young at his age.

Introducing the kids so early.

Holding them on laps and saying you 'fell in love' with them.

Repeatedly talking about his money.

The huge reaction/emotional outburst about how men are all like this and you might have known nothing good would happen to you etc etc.

I don't mean any of this in an unkind way. I'm saying that you characterise it all as so perfect, but from an outside perspective it sounds like a perfect storm of things that aren't quite right - for both of you. I hope you get some time to build your own confidence ready to meet someone nice at a later date.

SamW98 · 24/11/2023 20:09

balmysummerevening · 24/11/2023 19:06

There is no fcking way a person doesnt have 20 seconds spare in an entire week to send a text message. I dont care if you are the president of the USA, everyone has 20 seconds either just before they go to sleep, on the toilet, whilst eating breakfast, on their commute (if its train or someone else is driving), etc etc. If you can eat, sleep, shower and go to the loo, then you have time to send a bloody text message. If its important to you, you'll do it.

If he really was interested he'd say "I've got a lot on my plate this week, so might not be around much but I'm around Friday evening or Sun morning for a chat- lets catch up then" That took literally less than 10 seconds to type out. "Busy" is another word for arsehole.

💯- type a message while sitting on the loo if you really are THAT busy.

I’ve been absolutely rushed off my feet at work but managed to let my nearest and dearest I’ll be in touch properly when things slowed down.

If someone wants to be in touch, they’ll find time.

DGPP · 24/11/2023 20:13

Don’t send these pathetic “what’s going on” or “let’s call it a day”
messages. Just carry on as you were. Don’t text him!

WhatWillAPearDoAtNight · 24/11/2023 20:13

Not sure why you're getting such a hard time on here, I'd have let him take me out for meals etc too ffs. Some people on here are so pointlessly rude.

Sorry you're going through this- I think he is probably your typical rich batchelor and is stuck in a pattern of the 6 month 'itch'.

I get it, it sucks when you've finally allowed yourself to think it might just happen for you. Been there.

You will be fine but I totally get why it hurts.

askmenow · 24/11/2023 20:13

Sameshitdifferentdayagain · 24/11/2023 14:42

He actually said we were a good match because we don't want more children!

Perhaps he's just decided he really doesn't want more children....i.e. yours!
Seeing them all together perhaps reality has hit.

Given you say rich and has got his dc 70% of the time, it's likely he's got his day to day life well sorted/organised with nannies/ cleaners/gardeners..... etc etc etc.
Bringing two more youngsters into the mix, may have looked like hard work/disruptive.
Look after yourself 💐

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