I’ve banned my mum from my house

[Starrmix]

My mum doesn’t respect me or my wishes. For example, she thinks all clothes go on a 40c wash and won’t listen when I repeatedly tell her that’s not the case. Some of my clothes (and DH and DC) are hand wash only. Some go on a 30c wash, or a cold wash, etc. My mum shoves them all in a 40c wash and destroys them. Then she hangs them on the line and clumsily catches them on a bush and rips a hole. Or she irons them and burns them, or melts the print off the front.

These are usually the expensive items which need special care, so she’s ruining hundreds of pounds worth of clothes, over and over, even after repeatedly being told to keep her hands off and leave my fucking laundry alone. I received an expensive designer sweater for my birthday, I wore it once and my mum shoved it in a 40c wash and destroyed it. When I complained she said “well you shouldn’t have put it in the laundry basket”. It’s my fucking laundry basket, in my own house, and I’ll put my sweater where I like! It belongs in the laundry basket until I decide to hand wash it!

I’ve told her to leave my laundry alone but she won’t listen. She’s putting it in the machine when I pop out to walk the dog, or when I jump in the shower, or when I’m sitting on the sofa with the iPad and I think she’s just in the kitchen making herself a cup of tea.

I asked her why she keeps doing it, and she said “well it needs doing, you aren’t going to have any clothes for work next week, DC won’t have any clean school jumpers”. And I say “But that’s MY problem, it’s none of your business whether we have clean clothes or not!”

Anyway I’ve asked for a replacement designer sweater for Christmas and DH has refused, because he said it’s a waste of money as my mum will destroy it after one wear. So basically I’m now not allowed to have nice clothes because she won’t fucking leave them alone.

Yesterday (my day off, my mum had come over and was having a cuppa) I filled the washer with clothes for a delicate wash then the doorbell rang. So I answered the door and forgot to go back and put the washer on. My mum “helpfully” put the washer on for me. On a 40c wash. I realised a couple of hours later… £250 of clothes totally destroyed. So I have banned my mum from my house. She isn’t allowed to come here any more. It’s the only way I can stop her from doing my laundry. Needless to say she’s crying and isn’t speaking to me. But what else can I do to stop her?

Irrespective of whether or not 40 degrees ruins the wash, the bottom line is that she's been asked not to do something in someone's house and she chose to ignore their request(s). Could it be a dementia thing? I have experience sadly. Not sure what else you can do to be honest if she just won't listen to reason. Isn't there a saying the road to hell is paved with good intentions?

Who's gloating? About what?

The OP does keep it out of her mother’s way. She keeps it in the laundry basket and asks her mother not to touch it.

Um . . . my cashmere cardigan is no more because i washed it on 60. Also a couple of nice things from Seasalt. I'm with the OP. Once is an accident. More thn that looks like malice.

Sadly, I should've put that in the past tense.
Cat is no more, has ceased to be and is now an ex-cat.

Has your washing machine got a child lock? If it has, that might stop her?

Wealthy. Shouldn’t be given the winter fuel payment. Owns their own home which has massively risen in value, so obviously should downsize and let a worthy family have the home they’ve probably lived in all their lives, and where all their memories are. Doesn’t deserve the triple lock and is sitting pretty at the expense of everyone else. Oh - and should be perfectly happy to have to sell everything they own to afford crap, overpriced later life care even though they will end up subsidising those who’ve never bothered to make provision for themselves. According to mumsnet.

It’s interesting everyone pointing out you value your clothes more than your mum. They could consider your mum values her freedom to interfere above her daughter!

I think there’s an element of her disagreeing with spending on luxury clothes. She doesn’t value them, thinks you shouldn’t buy them, so cheerfully ruins them.

Is there anything she values you don’t, that you could use as a comparison? Something like, recording over her videos/saved programmes, or throwing away her past the sell by date stash? Note, I’m not saying to do it, just to make the comparison.

My equivalent would be decluttering my mum’s house and throwing away the actual rubbish.
Or clearing out her fridge and binning everything past it’s use by and growing mould. She’s a scrape the blue bits off the marge and carry on kind of woman!

Being rather long in the tooth, I refer to many friends, including Dear Departed Dcat, in the present tense, even though they are no longer present in the physical world, they are still alive to me IYSIM (and I'm an atheist)

New idea- when you’re ready to have her back- hide the soap powder.

Can you have two laundry baskets? The normal one she is aware of but which is permanently empty OR only filled with 40 degree things and another secret one stashed out of view where the delicate stuff gets put (loft? Inside a wardrobe? Garden shed? Innocuous cardboard box under a (or several) beds)?

That way, when she feels she's being 'kind' by putting your washing on, she's not actually able to do any damage?

The problem with laundry is that for a lot of clothes that say "wash at 30" they can actually be washed at 40. There was a shift a decade or so ago to use less energy in washing and laundry powders promoted being effective at lower washes and I remember seeing a lot of care labels suddenly drop to say 30 - when the exact same item previously said 40.

That's why your mum thinks it's safe to ignore that because for cheaper clothes it generally is.

But hand wash or wool wash only directions, not to be messed with!!

My DM can be similar. I remember many a ruined garment when I used to visit her from overseas and she would pinch my clothes almost daily to wash to "help me out". One top came out looking like it had been the victim of a stabbing. Slashes all over it. Not to mention the "lost" clothes because she would put them away in someone else's wardrobe (and don't all black socks look the same anyway??).

I had to resort to leaving my clothes in my locked suitcase to stop her because she just would not listen. She was so upset with me she was almost in tears when she couldn't get to my clothes.

Some women (and it's not age related) really value themselves as homemakers and the idea that they are indispensable domestic goddesses.

It's surprising how many of them are actually really crap at household skills like cooking and laundry.

Imagine thinking that the best way to deal with someone who chronically oversteps boundaries was for the person suffering to have to get a ladder in from the shed and put their clothes in the loft every time the boundary-crosser turns up at their home uninvited.

It would have been a good picture, I’m sure.

Yes indeed. A totally sensible suggestion. Keep your laundry basket in the loft.

Or she could keep her mother in the loft?

How about when she harms the dog by giving it the wrong food?

And don't have the nous to operate washing machines, obvs.

I think you did the right thing

Take the drawer out of the machine and keep it in your car. This might not work if you use detergent that goes in the drum. She sounds a nightmare OP.

I wash everything on 40, never ruined anything. But she’s out of order

It sounds like Groundhog Day, over and over. You haven`t said what age your mother is nor her disability- It sounds as if she may have some cognitive decline. Rather than crossing your boundaries, she may not fully understand. Personalities can become entrenched in older years because change is so difficult to grasp. Perhaps she is upset when you get angry, due to a lack of comprehension.

You do sound very angry. The thing is if you get the same outcome over and over, I think you may need to accept that it is you who needs to change your environment to avoid the situation. If your Mum had Dementia, for example, you would have to make changes to protect everyone. It must be very upsetting but try to calm down and think of alternatives you could put in place. Life is too, too short.

The loft was just a suggestion. The thing is she needs to keep the washing away from the perp. Or at least, only give the perp access to stuff that is happy being washed at 40 degrees... the non-40 degree stuff needs to be either washed as soon as it needs it or hidden...

I can't believe how many posters are giving the op a hard time and doubting what she says and feeling sorry for the op's mother who has repeatedly been asked and told not to touch the laundry then blatantly ignores it and continues ruining op's and her family's clothes costing hundreds of pounds and when you add it up over the years I bet we're talking thousands of pounds worth of clothes! It shows a real lack of respect for the op's belongings, boundaries and wishes. If the mum is upset then the way to avoid it is to listen to her daughter and not touch the laundry its not rocket science its a simple request!

@Starrmix Your mum sounds like a manipulative control freak who doesn't like being told no by her adult daughter I suspect she still sees you as a child and thinks you shouldn't be telling her what she can and can't do in your house as she's the parent so she's making a point that she'll do as she pleases regardless of what you say.

I think you've done the right thing op by banning her from your house, yes it may seem extreme but the fact is she is disrespecting your wishes and boundaries by ignoring you and refusing to listen to what is a simple request. People like your mum who ignore and trample other people's boundaries only learn when serious consequences happen.

Don't allow her to manipulate you with her huffs, tears and "you're being nasty to me" narrative and acting like she's the victim its all designed to make you feel guilty and I think its about her having control, thats why she ignores you and gives your kids sweets when you say no its to make the point she's the one in control not you.

Leave her to have a her tantrum if you give in she gets her own way, you wouldn't pander to a toddler tantrum so don't pander to an adult tantrum, at least a toddler doesn't have the capacity to understand that their behaviour is inappropriate whereas an adult does and should know better.

Ignore the tantrum give her total silence, no calls, no text's no visits and let her stew in her own juices until she realises that she either listens to you and respects your boundaries, if she can't do that then she's gonna be a sad and lonely person and she'll have only herself to blame.