I’ve banned my mum from my house

[Starrmix]

My mum doesn’t respect me or my wishes. For example, she thinks all clothes go on a 40c wash and won’t listen when I repeatedly tell her that’s not the case. Some of my clothes (and DH and DC) are hand wash only. Some go on a 30c wash, or a cold wash, etc. My mum shoves them all in a 40c wash and destroys them. Then she hangs them on the line and clumsily catches them on a bush and rips a hole. Or she irons them and burns them, or melts the print off the front.

These are usually the expensive items which need special care, so she’s ruining hundreds of pounds worth of clothes, over and over, even after repeatedly being told to keep her hands off and leave my fucking laundry alone. I received an expensive designer sweater for my birthday, I wore it once and my mum shoved it in a 40c wash and destroyed it. When I complained she said “well you shouldn’t have put it in the laundry basket”. It’s my fucking laundry basket, in my own house, and I’ll put my sweater where I like! It belongs in the laundry basket until I decide to hand wash it!

I’ve told her to leave my laundry alone but she won’t listen. She’s putting it in the machine when I pop out to walk the dog, or when I jump in the shower, or when I’m sitting on the sofa with the iPad and I think she’s just in the kitchen making herself a cup of tea.

I asked her why she keeps doing it, and she said “well it needs doing, you aren’t going to have any clothes for work next week, DC won’t have any clean school jumpers”. And I say “But that’s MY problem, it’s none of your business whether we have clean clothes or not!”

Anyway I’ve asked for a replacement designer sweater for Christmas and DH has refused, because he said it’s a waste of money as my mum will destroy it after one wear. So basically I’m now not allowed to have nice clothes because she won’t fucking leave them alone.

Yesterday (my day off, my mum had come over and was having a cuppa) I filled the washer with clothes for a delicate wash then the doorbell rang. So I answered the door and forgot to go back and put the washer on. My mum “helpfully” put the washer on for me. On a 40c wash. I realised a couple of hours later… £250 of clothes totally destroyed. So I have banned my mum from my house. She isn’t allowed to come here any more. It’s the only way I can stop her from doing my laundry. Needless to say she’s crying and isn’t speaking to me. But what else can I do to stop her?

What about listening helpline volunteering? Samaritans always want people, and if she’s fostered she might be the sort of person Childline wants

Sorry to derail this thread…..

Body temperature is 37 degrees. At this temperature germs & bacteria live.

If you are washing at less than 37 degrees (washing on a cold wash) - you won’t remove stains or kill the germs / bacteria that live at body temperature. The water isn’t hot enough.

Back to the problem….. boundaries…..

This.

Although this is mumsnet, so there will of course be posters that will consider OP to be every type of arsehole that deserves to have her clothes destroyed because she dared spend ‘that much’ on them.

Also - my mum doesn't wash my clothes for me in my own house...
I suspect this has more to do with you being lucky enough to have a respectful mum, rather than anything you have personally done to achieve it.

What and chop the plug off? Otherwise the mother will just plug it right in again. As the OP has said.

Laughing at all of you who think my mum doesn’t know how to plug it back in! 😂

She will probably say “I didn’t do that, it wasn’t me”. If she absolutely can’t deny it then she will stomp off in the huff without admitting any blame, saying that I’m being nasty to her.

My daughter still wets her knickers from time to time and I’ve found that when washed at 30 degrees they still stink of wee so it’s not enough to clean off all the germs.

My mum used to pop round sometimes and do my washing and ironing, but she'd leave the trickier stuff in the basket as she had too much experience of ruining her own stuff when she first set up her own home 50 years before.

Sounds like intentional sabotage op. I think that after several warnings which went u heeded you did the right thing.

I miss my ironing fairy (even if she didn't do that horrid dress that's now been in the ironing pile for 6 months)

She will probably say “I didn’t do that, it wasn’t me”. If she absolutely can’t deny it then she will stomp off in the huff without admitting any blame, saying that I’m being nasty to her. DARVO, my mum does the same even over the most unimportant stuff. People like this are exhausting at the best of times. Read 'Children of the Self-Absorbed" (or the elderly version) or similar books for practical coping techniques.

For something like your above post perhaps say to her mum I know you did say/do it, so either you also know and are fibbing about it now or there's something wrong with your memory, either way its worrying. If you are pretending it didn't happen because you're embarrassed we can talk about that, but if you can't remember you should see a doctor. Assertive, caring, non-confrontational, centring the self-absorbed person as important but also bouncing it off you and putting it back onto them.

If OP's mum was coming round and knocking a £50 ornament off the shelf every visit then I suspect many pps would be giving a different response. I only have a couple of delicate clothing items that I can only be arsed to wash infrequently but I would be pissed of they, or any of my stuff was being broken/destroyed each time my mum visited.

I do believe you @Starrmix . I worked with a woman whose mum was obsessed with using bleach. She ruined a worktop and washing ( added bleach to the draw).
Like your mum she just wouldn't be told.
In the end they changed the locks and refused to let her have one, this was after she had left bleach residue in the cats water bowl ( the mind boggles)

Probably not the point but my washing machine has a child lock, so it can't be started off accidentally.

My husband left his possum beany in his jeans pocket. It barely fits the cat now.

I disagree. I have a silk shirt that cost a lot. It can’t be replaced because it’s ten years old. It would be fucked if it went on a 40o wash and I’d be furious if my mum did this. I’d ban my mum too

You can't be serious. Where does it stop?!

A (male) friend of mine had a related problem when I was working in development - his cleaner/housekeeper put a tweed jacket in the washing machine, completely ruining it in rhe process. Difference is, she was being paid to do the wash, and had probably never seen tweed before. Friend wasn't about to start doing his own washing, so thereafter took to hiding delicate pieces of laundry.

OPs clearly told her mum not to touch the wash - once should be enough, and the DM's failure to heed her on this as well as other matters indicates a massive lack of respect.

I think it is the OP's mother lack of listening that is causing the issue.
That listening is then a lack of respect for the OP's house and her things.
Many a cashmere sweater cannot stand up to 40C.
As the mother refuses to listen OP has little choice than putting dirty clothes in some sort of hiding place/lockable place or banning her mother.
Perhaps then her mother will listen.

This post isn't about whether or not the clothes were ruined, it's about the op's mum interfering in the way things are done - from giving the children sweets to putting on the washing even when asked not to. I do think it's sad to have had to banish her but I can see why you have for your own sanity if nothing else! Could it be a 'sending off' rather than a permanent ban? Is there a way you can allow her limited access under supervision (gosh, makes her sound like an XL bully!) until she can prove herself? Treat her like a child so that she realises her actions have consequences. I miss my mum dreadfully and would have hated to be in this situation 😕

Should be enough to thwart the average pensioner?

What's 'the average pensioner'?

Dear god. I’ve just read your posts OP and, I’m sorry but, GET OVER IT. You’re coming across like a materialistic princess having a tantrum because someone won’t do what you tell them and you can’t have your own way.

If your laundry is such a big deal to you, keep it out of her way. Put the washer on when she’s not there. Yes, so what if it’s YOUR house and YOUR designer expensive laundry. So is it not YOUR responsibility to keep it out of harm’s way if it means more to you than your own mother?

Or you could ban your mum from your house for feeling lonely and trying to help.

Get your priorities right. Clothes are replaceable. Mothers are not.

Jeez.

Clothes are replaceable. Mothers are not.

This kind of thinking is what @Starrmix's mother is trading on.

Just because she is irreplaceable, doesn't give OP's mother the right to override her daughter's way of doing things in her own house, or the way she wants to parent her own DC.

@DatingDinosaur So is it not YOUR responsibility to keep it out of harm’s way

That is exactly what the op is doing by telling her mum not to come to her house anymore. She states that this has been going on for some time. Her mum is not listening. It’s a complete lack of respect on her mum’s part.

And then come on here and gloat about it. Nice.

@Babysharkdoodoodood That's just begging for photographic evidence. With cat, clearly.

Just as an aside, @DatingDinosaur, do you get on with your DM? Do you have a DD yourself?