I’ve banned my mum from my house

[Starrmix]

My mum doesn’t respect me or my wishes. For example, she thinks all clothes go on a 40c wash and won’t listen when I repeatedly tell her that’s not the case. Some of my clothes (and DH and DC) are hand wash only. Some go on a 30c wash, or a cold wash, etc. My mum shoves them all in a 40c wash and destroys them. Then she hangs them on the line and clumsily catches them on a bush and rips a hole. Or she irons them and burns them, or melts the print off the front.

These are usually the expensive items which need special care, so she’s ruining hundreds of pounds worth of clothes, over and over, even after repeatedly being told to keep her hands off and leave my fucking laundry alone. I received an expensive designer sweater for my birthday, I wore it once and my mum shoved it in a 40c wash and destroyed it. When I complained she said “well you shouldn’t have put it in the laundry basket”. It’s my fucking laundry basket, in my own house, and I’ll put my sweater where I like! It belongs in the laundry basket until I decide to hand wash it!

I’ve told her to leave my laundry alone but she won’t listen. She’s putting it in the machine when I pop out to walk the dog, or when I jump in the shower, or when I’m sitting on the sofa with the iPad and I think she’s just in the kitchen making herself a cup of tea.

I asked her why she keeps doing it, and she said “well it needs doing, you aren’t going to have any clothes for work next week, DC won’t have any clean school jumpers”. And I say “But that’s MY problem, it’s none of your business whether we have clean clothes or not!”

Anyway I’ve asked for a replacement designer sweater for Christmas and DH has refused, because he said it’s a waste of money as my mum will destroy it after one wear. So basically I’m now not allowed to have nice clothes because she won’t fucking leave them alone.

Yesterday (my day off, my mum had come over and was having a cuppa) I filled the washer with clothes for a delicate wash then the doorbell rang. So I answered the door and forgot to go back and put the washer on. My mum “helpfully” put the washer on for me. On a 40c wash. I realised a couple of hours later… £250 of clothes totally destroyed. So I have banned my mum from my house. She isn’t allowed to come here any more. It’s the only way I can stop her from doing my laundry. Needless to say she’s crying and isn’t speaking to me. But what else can I do to stop her?

On god my mum does this too!! She puts my washing in the dryer : the other day ruining a new lk Bennett dress, I was furious!!

I have given her strict instructions don't touch the washing ' so far so good .?

@DatingDinosaur Why the bloody hell should the op have to hide her laundry and do it at certain times when her mother isn't there?!?! Her mother is a grown adult not a child, so she should be able to grasp the fact that she's been asked and told not to touch other people's belongings especially when she's ruined and destroyed them despite being told numerous times!

It shows a real lack of respect for her daughter and her families belongings, and her daughter's boundaries and wishes. The op should be able to do whatever the hell she wants when she wants in her own home! Thats not being a princess its called putting down boundaries when someone ruins/destroys your things!

Is it not the mother's responsibility to show respect and care for other people's belongings especially when it isn't her house when she takes it upon herself to do something she's been told not to and it upsets the op! How would you feel if someone came into your house and started touching your things and then destroying them? Are you really that ignorant that you can't grasp that simple logic of don't touch what isn't yours 🙄

OP, I think you have been more than patient.

I cannot fathom anyone doing this more than once.

I too love delicate silks, cashmere etc. and 40 degrees would destroy them.

40 is for cottons, sports gear, towels, in this house.

I really think you need some extended space from each other.

Its such a deeply disrespectful, unkind thing to do, not give a damn about the possessions of another person, and wilfully destroy them the way she does.

I really think you have been far too tolerant of this for too long.

She can't value the time she spends with you and your family when she takes the first opportunity that arises to destroy your property.

Listen to yourselves!
Apparently the answer is for @Starrmix to Motherproof her house!

Much as you would if your friend was bringing their toddler with them when they are visiting you.

@pickledandpuzzled I know two wrongs don't make right but I would be so tempted to do this if I was the op because people like the op's mother certainly don't like getting a taste of their own medicine I bet the 'DM' would have the mother of all tantrums if the op did that to her pun intended lol

Although the op has in a way done what you've suggested because by banning her mum from her house she's effectively stopping her mum from doing something she loves to do which is to trample her daughters boundaries and visit whenever she pleases uninvited and able to interfere.

You're better than me, I'd bill mine if she ruined a gift piece of clothing and i'd go postal.

banning is the best bet or you'll go mad. at leats for a good chunk of time 4/6 months so she gets the message.

⬆️⬆️
This with bloody jingle bells on! Why is it so hard to grasp respect for other people's belongings and not touching what isn't yours when you've been told no so many times 🙄

i still think about the silk shirt i ruined that got thrown in with the regular whites wash. worn once never again 😢

Omg YADNBU OP. That would drive me mad. My DM used to interfere and “help” (badly) when she would come and stay. Including switching off the oven with the turkey in on Christmas Day after MIL had used the other oven for breakfast! And smashing a wedding present plate when fighting with me to unload the dishwasher. It did my head in.

And I myself have ruined a beautiful pashmina by not following the instructions 😢 so I would completely disagree with PPs saying you’re exaggerating.

You obviously don’t have any decent clothes then.

Yeah, I was with you, OP, until you made this incredibly snotty remark to another poster. Not to mention paying £50 for a kid's jumper. Get over yourself, your 'refined' taste in clothes, and stop flaunting your disposable income around. It's obnoxious. You're coming across as an entitled snob.

That said, your mother is very unreasonable.

That's a bit of a sad situation :-(

I'd be tempted to tell her again (I know you already have...) and then remove the fuse from the washing machine plug when you're not around to take control. It's a bit of a faff, but at the same time this is your mum, who is living alone, and you've said that otherwise you're happy to have her there.

I hope you can sort it out

Isn't it the fact that she doesn't have loads of disposable income so spending on nice clothes is an occasional luxury that is why it's so upsetting for the op? She can't afford to replace everything her DM has ruined. If she bought lots of new expensive clothes every season it wouldn't matter as much!

If you look after expensive items carefully they can last longer than cheaper versions so over time you can build up a number of more expensive items. But NOT if some muppet ruins them by throwing them in a 40 wash!

If the OP is supposed to hide the laundry in the loft, is she supposed to shove the kids and dog up there as well?

The laundry isn’t the only way boundaries are being trampled.

A serious question not intending to derail the thread which is about boundaries and NOT washing temps:

I had never thought about it like that before re body temp clothing temp but doesn't the biological washing liquid do some of the germ killing work no matter what the temp, same like washing hands wi soap is about the soap not the temp of the water (I mean that's what I had come to believe... but I am no great housekeeper).

There's a comedy show emerging from this thread. Honestly!

It's been a helpful thread for me as I've always taken it slightly too personally when I share a problem with someone and get ludicrous feedback and comments like 'well you shouldn't have done that' or 'no you haven't' or 'well just lock the washing machine then'.

I though maybe I've got a particularly awful set of acquaintances or maybe it's my ASD / ND or people think I'm some sort of liar. Now I realise that at any given time, at least 30% of the British public are liable to respond with derision, denial, dispute, and off tangent madvice any time you try to describe any sort of difficulty.

I haven’t read the entire thread, but wanted to add my sympathies in solidarity, OP.

My mum lives in my house since my dad died, and she is so intrusive it’s unreal. She’s extremely careless, has destroyed several day to day items, including gifts that my children have bought me for Mothers Day, etc.

I’m at the same point as your DH now where is just doesn’t feel worth having nice things as I know they’ll just get ruined.

Others may think you’re being ‘precious’ or ‘materialistic’ but they cannot comprehend how it feels to have your belongings interfered with and wrecked just because someone refuses to acknowledge your boundaries and have a bit of care / thought for others

It is truly upsetting. Sending 💐

Echoing the "this thread is insane" sentiment - OP's mother clearly has no respect for her, no concept of boundaries, views the OP as a child in her own house, and people are berating the OP? Describing the mother as "cute", "send her round to mine" etc? Do people have so little empathy or imagination that they can't see how awful this is for OP, who has been more than patient?

I think it's because it's relating to clothes, where people tend to have more personal investment, especially with the implications attached to clothing that really can't just be bunged into a mixed 40 degree wash. If the mother was breaking beautiful china all the time by dusting when OP has asked her not to, we would probably get a different response.

There have been a few "someone keeps destroying my possessions" threads over time and there does seem to be a different reaction when the possessions are beautiful clothes rather than vintage books or tea sets.

I suspected there'd be more to it than just interfering with your laundry hence asking, and to be fair I did start by saying it was a silly idea but just in case. In my defence, I think locking the laundry basket is a 'slightly' less mad suggestion than hiding it in the loft or putting up a baby gate!

Seriously though, sorry about the ruined clothes, I accidentally put a favourite expensive wool/mohair jumper in a 40C wash and it shrunk to a felted toddler size mess, I was very upset.

Hopefully the visiting ban will get her to see sense but if she won't listen then that's her choice. Pop over to the Stately Homes thread if you need some non laundry related advice and support, as she does sound very clingy and boundary-less. Feeding the dog the wrong food would really annoy me but all the other examples aren't great either.

I come from a country where people almost always use cold water in washing machines. Yes, our clothes are clean and we are not crawling with bacteria. I might use warm warm water to clean something particularly grubby.

I wouldn't be asking DH to replace the jumper anyway, I'd be telling my mother to do it.

But have you tried moving your washing machine to Canada and doing your laundry there, OP?

"Seriously though, sorry about the ruined clothes, I accidentally put a favourite expensive wool/mohair jumper in a 40C wash and it shrunk to a felted toddler size mess, I was very upset."

I did this too with a gorgeous cream sweater. It looked divine on my friends 9 month old baby some weeks later🙄

YANBU. If anyone ruined my cashmere sweaters by washing them at 40 degrees I’d be absolutely enraged.

Of all the off-the-wall suggestions, the one I really can’t get my head around is the advice - offered three times on this thread, I think - to take the fuse out of the washing machine plug. My washing machine is really heavy and plugged into a socket in the wall behind it. The idea of pulling it out and removing the fuse several times a week is quite daunting. Do other people have more accessible plugs?

Mine is plugged in behind the machine too. I'd not be pulling that out all the time either.

It's ridiculous how people on this thread advocate that the OP twists herself in knots to avoid offending someone who has no problem offending the OP!