I’ve banned my mum from my house

[Starrmix]

My mum doesn’t respect me or my wishes. For example, she thinks all clothes go on a 40c wash and won’t listen when I repeatedly tell her that’s not the case. Some of my clothes (and DH and DC) are hand wash only. Some go on a 30c wash, or a cold wash, etc. My mum shoves them all in a 40c wash and destroys them. Then she hangs them on the line and clumsily catches them on a bush and rips a hole. Or she irons them and burns them, or melts the print off the front.

These are usually the expensive items which need special care, so she’s ruining hundreds of pounds worth of clothes, over and over, even after repeatedly being told to keep her hands off and leave my fucking laundry alone. I received an expensive designer sweater for my birthday, I wore it once and my mum shoved it in a 40c wash and destroyed it. When I complained she said “well you shouldn’t have put it in the laundry basket”. It’s my fucking laundry basket, in my own house, and I’ll put my sweater where I like! It belongs in the laundry basket until I decide to hand wash it!

I’ve told her to leave my laundry alone but she won’t listen. She’s putting it in the machine when I pop out to walk the dog, or when I jump in the shower, or when I’m sitting on the sofa with the iPad and I think she’s just in the kitchen making herself a cup of tea.

I asked her why she keeps doing it, and she said “well it needs doing, you aren’t going to have any clothes for work next week, DC won’t have any clean school jumpers”. And I say “But that’s MY problem, it’s none of your business whether we have clean clothes or not!”

Anyway I’ve asked for a replacement designer sweater for Christmas and DH has refused, because he said it’s a waste of money as my mum will destroy it after one wear. So basically I’m now not allowed to have nice clothes because she won’t fucking leave them alone.

Yesterday (my day off, my mum had come over and was having a cuppa) I filled the washer with clothes for a delicate wash then the doorbell rang. So I answered the door and forgot to go back and put the washer on. My mum “helpfully” put the washer on for me. On a 40c wash. I realised a couple of hours later… £250 of clothes totally destroyed. So I have banned my mum from my house. She isn’t allowed to come here any more. It’s the only way I can stop her from doing my laundry. Needless to say she’s crying and isn’t speaking to me. But what else can I do to stop her?

Is this a sign/symptom of Dementia or similar type of disorder then?

I do sympathise. My husband put on a 40 degree was and I’d recently been given two really expensive cashmere jumpers from my mum and dad. He was adamant they weren’t in the machine. I stopped the machine mid cycle and they were in there both ruined. I’d only worn each of them once. I do think it’s a bit extreme to ban your mum from your house. Can’t you store them somewhere else when you are waiting to wash them?

Grubby clothes will get cleaner at 40C than 30C (warm vs cool). I do see a difference.

It all depends on the material make up, even for cheaper items - niece is currently wearing a £29 Zara jumper I shrunk in the wash the other day

That also wouldn't address her feeding your dog human food or the kids, sweets when you've said no.

My mum is also bit like OPs but it backfired spectacularly on her eventually. I used to have a washer dryer. She once ironed an entire washing machine full of dirty clothes I had in the machine waiting to be washed set to a timer. It must have taken her ages to iron them!

To only talk about known high street brands, any jumper from Benetton will be ruined if put on a 40 degree wash.

They are hand wash only. You can put them through a hand wash cycle, but even that will shrink them over time.

(source: I've done it to a couple of LOVELY Benetton jumpers, after I got fed up with hand washing them. They still lasted a couple of years of machine washes, in delicate cycles, but eventually shrank to the point of not being long sleeve anymore, and not being fluffy)

I agree, how can she possibly be ruining everything at 40. I wash everything at 40 and nothing has been ruined.
Also I wondered is your mum ok. Why does she feel she has to do your washing is her memory going?

I wash everything at 40 and nothing has been ruined.

Either all your clothes are suitable for a 40 wash or they have declined but they're in one piece so you haven't noticed.

Is it really so hard to understand that not all clothes are the same? The care labels and machine settings are there for a reason.

My mum would come bustling in like it was her house and just start doing whatever she wanted in my kitchen, moving stuff around etc, and I'd say no it;s fine, just leave it and she'd tell me not to be ridiculous, she was "helping" - one time, I'd only just finished cooking my lunch when the doorbell rang, so turned the stove off, let her in. Said I was just popping to the loo. Came back out....and my lunch is gone. She'd just thrown the fucking whole lot out. Like, why? Why just throw a still warm pot of food out without even asking? And don't even get me started on her smashing around my kitchen, drunk off her face, when I was putting the kids to bed and I'd come down to find she'd slammed the dishwasher door into my crystal glasses, smashing them to pieces. She and my step dad would break at least one thing everytime they used to come, or leave floods of water everywhere. I hated it. Luckily they;re too lazy now to visit and can't be bothered with us, so it;s peaceful at least.

Yes, it sounds anoying but banning your mum, and making her cry over this is cruel. And your sense of what is valuable in life sounds skewed.
Why don't you just make lots of A4 signs that say "Hands Off Mum, You are Not Allowed to go near the Laundry" and see how that works?

Nothing has been ruined? So not your cashmere, real wool, real silk items?

Can we please stop arguing about the washing, and accept what @Starrmix says in her OP?

Go to the Housekeeping Board if you want to discuss laundry.

OP's problem is with her DM, with whom she has set a boundary, which DM has repeatedly crossed. And what to do now that she has enforced a consequence for her DM crossing that boundary.

It's not a thread about how to wash her clothes!

I had a relative like this OP and you have my sympathy.
They would drop round regularly and interfere /damage things.
They absolutely refused to listen to anything I said regarding the children, stuffing them with sugary snacks, passive agg conversations "Mummy doesn't like you having anything nice to eat." and in one instance, ignoring instructions to keep a DC as cool as possible whilst I ran out to fulfil a prescription - leading to a medical issue.

You can't really change them. The best advice I can offer is that you try to manage them, as you know what they are like and how predictable they are. You can make the rules. It's your house. Perhaps this meltdown will help in changing the pattern.
EG. It is annoying to hide your laundry in your own house, but finding a way to keep it out of her reach would nip arguments in the bud - just as we would make things child-proof, you may have to make things Mum-proof.
It's frustrating I know but it seems like a workable option. Also, there were some good suggestions further up the thread on ways of explaining things to her which you could try.

Finally a use for that 8 hour cold water eco cycle! Stick it on just before she comes round and she won't be able to get into the machine :-)

Joking aside, you have my sympathies. Some of it sounds like slightly unhinged behaviour and the increasing clinginess sounds like it will only get worse over time. I would try to occupy/distract her with something else (is there a charity washing service? :-), but I appreciate it's difficult.

Even if she had never ruined anything she should stop when asked to.

If she wants to be helpful why doesn't she ask what she could do?

Honestly I would think my mum didn't care about me at all if she just carried on making sure she got her own way at my expense.

I have only read as far as this reply so far but this is exactly what I was going to say. I literally wash everything on 40 and have never ruined anything.

I mean, I don't have designer clothes to worry about but a 40 wash really shouldn't be ruining this many clothes

To the main point of the thread though, your mum sounds crazy but I think I would hide the washing or lock the washing machine somehow when she comes round?!

Se clearly thinks you don't do a good enough job with your washing!

I don't have designer clothes to worry about but a 40 wash really shouldn't be ruining this many clothes

It doesn't need to be designer to be unsuited to washing at 40. The care labels and machine settings aren't there just to make your life harder!

I mean, I don't have designer clothes to worry about but a 40 wash really shouldn't be ruining this many clothes

OP has (or had) a lot of cashmere, silk, fine wool. Not necessarily designer, but certainly not to be washed at 40C.

OP has never said her mum ruins ALL her clothes.

I ruined two of my son's work sweaters by accidentally washing at 40 degrees. One was about £90, the other £175. They were nice wool/cashmere ones. AND NOW THEY ARE TINY TEDDY BEAR SIZED.

This is my life. I have shrunk three of DH's nice wool jumpers by leaving them in the machine after a short spin after a hand wash and then putting another wash on, and now they are tiny tight and the only use for them is that the cats sit on them.

I genuinely do not understand how people have not ruined clothes.

But also, you are right.

OP said that this time she lost it because Mum put several things in the 40 wash that shouldn't have been there and therefore ruined several hundred pounds worth of clothes. Anyone who says that wouldn't piss them off is lying and anyone who doesn't think it's possible to ruin a garment at 40 is mistaken.

She can’t grasp that some clothes don’t get washed at 40c and she won’t leave them alone.

Does she maintain this faux ignorance when you show her the ruined items?

Same! Even if I do a shirt wash it goes on 40 degrees.

Also - my mum doesn't wash my clothes for me in my own house...

I understand this completely. My mum did exactly the same as well as putting 3 teenage girls & my own black tops/tights/leggings and underwear in any old drawer so we couldn't find them & all had the wrong stuff. Also getting 2 bags of stuff ready for charity & washing and putting away back in the wardrobes all after being asked repeatedly to keep the fuck out of my washing 🤣

This. So simple, so obvious.