If you have a perfect relationship, is it worth having kids?

[karmasacat]

I’m just thinking and wondering if other people have opinions on this. Knowing how much kids can impact a marriage (even children who are neurotypical, good sleepers etc.), would you say that if you have a very happy, very strong marriage where both of you are perfectly happy with each other then it’s not worth the risk of adding children?

Talking to a friend about this - her and her husband are the happiest couple I know. They’re unbelievably in love and have such a strong marriage. I really didn’t believe couples like them existed until I met her! Now they’re considering children but both are worried about damaging their incredibly happy relationship with each other, so many people say it ruined their marriage it’s really put her off. Anyway, any thoughts?

Well... What's the alternative? That you should only have kids if your relationship is headed for the skids anyway, so you've got nothing to lose? 😂

It doesn't actually sound like much of a partnership if they only want the easy fun times. I mean by all means don't have kids if you don't actually want them, but this seems like very short-term and shallow thinking. You get out what you put in.

That is definitely one of the (many) reasons we didn't have kids.

If the relationship is that good then adding kids to the mix should be a doodle. It's relationships that aren't really that strong that crack. If they communicate well and are genuinely supportive it would surely only enhance the relationship if they both are on the same page about having kids ( and if the relationship is so perfect then they should know whether they are).

@Coffeeandchristmascake but so many people say they had a strong and happy marriage before kids, and then afterwards it fell apart. I’ve heard people say that in real life and on here it’s common. So maybe it’s not as simple as that?

@Whiskerson why do you say they only want the easy fun times? They’ve been together since we were all at uni and have gone through some really hard times together (immediate family bereavement, unemployment etc.) so that’s not really the case at all. Hard bits of life aren’t just for people with kids!

It tests your marriage for sure, but it’s stronger after. If it ruins your marriage, there was something hidden that would have come out eventually (e.g. husband believes that women should do housework etc). For us it was just the best joint project ever and we have so much fun being a parenting team — potentially this is what your friends could miss out on.

Maybe yes maybe no
Either they want kids and all that entails or not (all risks etc)
Start with a dog and see if it works ?
Maybe if life is wonderful without kids they should just continue? More ££ more easy life

I am with @Coffeeandchristmascake if the relationship is genuinely happy and strong then having kids will only bring you closer. If it seems strong but actually it's plaster over the cracks then that plaster will be stripped away. If the cracks are already showing, well best not to even go there (unless you are prepared to do it alone).

We've been parents for coming up to a year and so far, it has made our already solid marriage even stronger and has brought us closer together.

It isn't always doom and gloom, it really depends on so many things.

Clearly they only ‘thought’ they had a strong and happy marriage. It’s true that not much else tests a relationship like having kids but it would be nonsensical to choose to have them in a rocky relationship! There are no guarantees and you can’t know what either you or your partner would be like as a parent. You would just have to choose to do it or not do it and take whatever comes, but make sure you are both on the same page.

'It doesn't actually sound like much of a partnership if they only want the easy fun times'

Well there aren't any medals for martyrdom. And life without children isn't all plain sailing, contrary to what some parents think

My DP and I thought very long and hard about having children, but ultimately decided that the risks and the enormous lifestyle change involved were not for us. We have a great relationship, but the 'perfect' relationship doesn't exist and I worry about people who think it does. It depends how badly you want children. There's no shame at all in deciding that having children is not worth it for you

Because I got the impression from your OP that they did want children. Actually, you said they are "considering" children, so perhaps I read too quickly. I'd say if they've been through all that, then they can cope with kids - which at least bring added joy and purpose, unlike the hard times they've already come through!

Nah, everyone I know IRL who says this DID NOT have a perfect relationship. They were just able to coast before kids.

I would argue that they weren't all that strong to begin with and had just never been tested if they fall apart when kids come. (This is what happened in my ex relationship).

If they've been tested before (eg both people have had something that requires the other to support eg cancer, joblessness, ill parent, job stress) and they've got through that then children will be absolutely fine and probably bond them even closer.

If their marriage is as strong as you suggest children will only enhance it. Obviously you can choose not to ever have children but if they’re considering it that would make me think they want them. Also bear in mind, mumsnet is basically a support group and the people who tend to post post issues or problem. People rarely go on these group chats to rave about they’re wonderful marriage and amazing kids, because it would be very inconsiderate and smug.

If they both want a child or children they should have them.

However if only one definitely wants a child or children then they shouldn't have them and their relationship isn't as "perfect" as made out.

They’re both on the fence about children - my friend more so but as she said, she’d be keener if she didn’t have to have the baby! I guess that’s why they’re talking about it at the moment, to try and decide. Lots of our group are starting to have kids so it’s very much on everyone’s mind.

I respect people's choices to have or not have kids.
If you don't want them, don't have them. If you do want them, think first what you will be bringing them into and if that all checks out then have them.

I think though if you are worried for one minute that your "perfect" relationship will crack due to kids then definitely do not have them. If the relationship cracks or even wobbles and resentment builds - and the kids get even a sniff that they are to blame, that's a total tragedy.

Surely, having an amazing relationship beforehand, is a motivator for children. This implies they can work well together to raise a child. They will support and understand one another. Adding another arrival can deepen the love/bond between couples.

If they are on the fence they shouldn't have them.

I’m sure you have a great relationship, but life still happens even without kids, things may go south and you may not be together in 10 or 20 years. You can’t predict the future. 10 or 20 years from now, will you look back and regret not having had children? (Your partner or husband may or may not be with you.)

To be clear I’m single and childless so not pushing for you to have children! Just something to think about.

I would say it only works well when you're both equal partners in it. I was a SAHM while DH was the breadwinner and I was riddled with resentment in the end that I carried 100% of the mental load of raising them. We didn't have family help/support which didn't help. I wouldn't not have done it, but I wish I'd chosen the person to do it with better. DH is inherently selfish and always will be. He's not a natural father, he's improved as they've aged and in fact he was probably the fairer parent through the teenage years - but he's now seriously struggling with having young grandchildren around which really infuriates and saddens me in equal measure.

Having children tests your relationship for sure, but I think the marriages that fall apart after kids probably weren't strong to begin with. It's just that having kids shows up the weaknesses in the relationship.

The fact that your relationship is "perfect" before kids isn't a good reason not to have them. It sounds to me like either it's their life which is perfect without kids (i.e. they don't want their life to change because they like it the way it is) or one or both of them is afraid that their relationship isn't actually as perfect as they say it is and having kids might make that obvious.

@karmasacat
Having children does ruin marriages. Being unprepared or inept in managing the demands of parenting may cause strain in a marriage, but so could any other change or situation ( i.e. unexpected illness, loss of employment, loss of a,parent, etc) that they do not handle in an appropriate manner.

People who do not want to have children should not have them. People who lack the ability to love and adequately support children should not have children. People who lack the maturity and ability to adequately structure their environments should not have children. If people do not have any of these impediments and limitations, then having children should have no damaging effects on a relationship. I do believe that having children in an already fragile relationship can push the needle in the direction of ending the relationship.

If they want kids they should have kids - it shouldn't be about how they think it might impact the relationship. I definitely don't think kids make a relationship worse - it's just different. Having kids brings fun, stress, love, and a different kind of focus and shared priorities. Relationships will change regardless