If you have a perfect relationship, is it worth having kids?

[karmasacat]

I’m just thinking and wondering if other people have opinions on this. Knowing how much kids can impact a marriage (even children who are neurotypical, good sleepers etc.), would you say that if you have a very happy, very strong marriage where both of you are perfectly happy with each other then it’s not worth the risk of adding children?

Talking to a friend about this - her and her husband are the happiest couple I know. They’re unbelievably in love and have such a strong marriage. I really didn’t believe couples like them existed until I met her! Now they’re considering children but both are worried about damaging their incredibly happy relationship with each other, so many people say it ruined their marriage it’s really put her off. Anyway, any thoughts?

I don’t get mumsnet sometimes!

you see sooooo many posts on here talking about how having kids has significantly and adversely impacted their relationship with their partner/spouse. And now suddenly on this thread everyone’s pretending it only makes your relationship stronger! Why?!

Me and my husband had an amazing life before we had children. We had loads of holidays, our dream house, fancy cars etc and just enjoyed being with each other daily. We then had our son in 2020 and our life changed so dramatically. Every day is a struggle but I wouldn't change it for the world. He didn't sleep well, had allergy after allergy but we muddled through and now we are daft enough to be 2 weeks off our 2nd baby. Don't get me wrong I often long for the days we could just go out for tea at the drop of a hat or have super long lie ins etc but I love my life and all the tiredness and lack of sex life that comes with it. X

@Couldntthinkofausername24

not being goady or anything like that, just genuinely curious. Could I ask - when you say everyday is a attuggle now how can life be better than it was before?

@LuckySantangelo35 it's almost like there are thousands of posters and we don't all have the same opinion seriously though, I find it depends on the tone on the thread, if OP goes and posts a thread now saying "I think my relationship is strong enough for kids" there will be a swarm of posters telling her otherwise, you can post the same topic in 2 different ways and get a completely different set of answers, I find people enjoy coming in with the opposing view more often than supportive.....

I find it a bit of a weird concept that children can ruin your relationship. Yes they can put strain on things but it will make a good couple stronger

Nobody is saying that! They are saying that if having a baby splits you up, the relationship wasn’t “perfect” to begin with.

The reality is that having children is a journey into the unknown. Yes, we all think that we'll be one of the relationships make it through the tough times and are even stronger. However the evidence suggests that's not the case.

Having dc didn't ruin our relationship at all, but even if it had done, I would still have wanted the dc anyway.

I wouldn't have been happy not having dc simply to preserve my relationship. One is not a substitute for the other.

Personally, I think if you're having to ask yourself whether having dc is worth the risk that it might ruin your relationship, then you shouldn't have them because you obviously don't want them that much.

No such thing as a perfect relationship. Naive to think there is imo.

This

@LuckySantangelo35

By a struggle I mean just the daily throws of nursery runs/childcare etc. Not being able to just do what I want and when I want. My husband works long hours so all the childcare and general looking after a child falls to me. I have a girl I work with who's just turned 30 and had her tubes tied because she does not want children. People often ask her how she can make such a decision and not want little people in her life. Personally I don't think you miss something you've never had and just carry on life as normal. X

I don't know the answer. But I do know that if I had my time again and knew what I know now I'm not sure I'd have children. I love mine, and my step kids and I wouldn't be without them. But I wouldn't choose the detrimental effects they have had on my life. Dh and I are lucky in lots of ways that we get every other weekend or thereabouts to ourselves when the kids are with their other respective parents. Those weekends are frankly lovely and I think they are why our relationship is so strong.

Philosophically speaking, isn't it more selfish to deprive a future person of the opportunity to exist?

When parents died more randomly and often far younger, children had far less security than they would now with separated parents. Life was harsher, the risks greater.

The focus on providing a perfect childhood rather than a good opportunity at life is not helpful.

I gave my kids the chance to live their lives. My job is to not harm them and to do my best, but if I get made redundant or become ill, that doesn't mean I shouldn't have had children. Life is itself a gift - although it doesn't always feel like one!!

I had a strong marriage before having a child.

I still have a strong marriage, as do literally all of my friends. Nobody in my circle of friends has split up after having had children and even those who struggled with having a baby in the early days are finding things easier now that the children are older.

I don't see why having children would ruin a genuinely strong (as opposed to superficially perfect) relationship, particularly if you discuss expectations before having children.

Incidentally, I disagree that you have to be 100% overwhelmingly convinced that you want a child in order to have one. I've never been 100% sure about anything in my life. Everything involves a degree of risk, including having a child.

However, everyday I am so grateful I have one and I'm so happy I didn't allow the opportunity to pass me by. Personally, I wish I hadn't spent so many years listening to the naysayers.

I did say so far.

Currently expecting twins which will certainly come with new challenges.

You only quoted part of my post. I went on to say
If the relationship cracks or even wobbles and resentment builds - and the kids get even a sniff that they are to blame, that's a total tragedy.

I stand by what I say. Don't have children if you have doubts, especially when it's something you have already identified might cause a problem.

For me the joy I get from my kids would be worth it

As others have said if you have a strong marriage I would assume having kids wouldn't negatively impact that

How a child might affect the relationship is definitely something worth discussing and considering. But I think "it's not worth it" is an odd way of phrasing it.

I think this is nonsense, really.

People with doubts often do things better.

Anyone who went into parenting with zero doubts would be very strange. It is daunting.

It's not a 'total tragedy' to be loved by separated parents. You really think it'd be better for those children not to be alive??!

We had a strong marriage before kids and still have 1 now , yes it tests it at times but other things life throws at you could also .

I get what they're saying to a degree, how many times do we see women struggling on here with terrible husbands/dads who clearly had poor behaviours beforehand but it's like they held a wilful, ignorant hope children would change them, or don't recognise their tolerance levels have to change when you have more responsibility. Some things can't be foreseen, but I suspect a lot of these underachieving dads demonstrate a lot of red flags prior to that stage.

We had a marriage like that and it came back to that after the initial year of shock and exhaustion

I didn't say being loved by separate parents is a tragedy, I said that knowing you were to blame for the breakdown of your parents' relationship is.

Couple, both 100 years old, celebrate 80 years of marriage | CBC News

They had EIGHT children!

Even that is not a 'total tragedy' - because it wouldn't be true. Emotionally damaging? Yes. Total tragedy? No.

So many parents tell their children damaging things, because parents cover the whole spectrum of human behaviour, but I don't think 'total tragedy' applies to anything but the very worst situations.

To have a life is to have a chance. The alternative is not existing. If I had not existed, that would be a 'total tragedy' for me!