If you have a perfect relationship, is it worth having kids?

[karmasacat]

I’m just thinking and wondering if other people have opinions on this. Knowing how much kids can impact a marriage (even children who are neurotypical, good sleepers etc.), would you say that if you have a very happy, very strong marriage where both of you are perfectly happy with each other then it’s not worth the risk of adding children?

Talking to a friend about this - her and her husband are the happiest couple I know. They’re unbelievably in love and have such a strong marriage. I really didn’t believe couples like them existed until I met her! Now they’re considering children but both are worried about damaging their incredibly happy relationship with each other, so many people say it ruined their marriage it’s really put her off. Anyway, any thoughts?

I don't believe anyone's relationship is perfect. I actually think better to have kids if you have a good relationship. You do have to make the effort after kids though, and remember you were a couple first.

Every time someone doesn't have a child, uses contraception, has an abortion, a child does not exist.
I don't think everyone should be a parent. I did not think this was a controversial view.
I get that you disagree with me, but apart from slight regret that I used the expression "total tragedy", I really think people should put thought into having a child - and that includes if there is a fear that the adult relationship will suffer and you don't want it to, then don't have a child.

By your logic there, we should be breeding like rabbits because every ovum is a potential life not yet 'gifted'?

I think we should be doing the opposite. The world is overpopulated, seas over-farmed, rainforest practically gone, sky polluted; do we really need 'more'?

Everyone is well-meaning when they have kids, but with 50% divorce rate, they're often born into a very unsecure future. I just base my first comment on the many (abused) people who come on MN saying they love their partner, planning on having kids, when anyone with common sense can see the relationship is destined to fail. It suggests that the need for motherhood overrides the required security that child deserves.

If you have a perfect relationship, then that is the ideal relationship in which to have kids.

It sounds like they are unsure about whether the lifestyle changes that come with having children will be worth it, which is different to just how it will affect the relationship. It can take its toll on relationships, but it could also take its toll if you were single so the question is just if you want kids or not. If you want kids and your relationship is strong then it should be able to withstand the average stresses that come with having children.

There is a lot of talk in society about how stressful it is having children and how lots of people regret it. I see it emphasised far less often how unbelievably happy having children can make you, how people can experience levels of joy, contentment and satisfaction on another level to before having children.

If kids break your marriage, it wasn’t that strong in the first place. there was always an issue lurking.

I think if your relationship is great and strong then having kids will not change that. Sure it can be hard but a lot of it is due to lack of sleep and lack of free/couple time, especially in the early years.

Unfortunately my personal circumstance was I had a child in a relationship which wasn't that strong beforehand and things are worse.
However I will say that we argued much less before having DD.

We had a strong and happy marriage pre child and we have a strong and happy marriage post child. The main reason for this is because we are a partnership and share everything 50/50.

Therefore there is no resentment build up, neither of us exhausted, we do loads of fun things as a family and separately and find time for each other.

Also we only have one, which is financially and logistically fairly straightforward.

Our son has really added a new dimension to our lives and we both love it.

Having kids tests you as an individual And can take you to your limits.
I think resentment can set in around who does what / one side feels they are shouldering more of the burden so talking though this before hand is a good idea. In life you grow and you change Naturally kids or no kids, and if you find someone that you can go through life with then that’s a good start

Thank you for your reply. Before parenthood, he once said I should do more around the house because he earns more. We agreed for me to work part time, as I don't mind housework. Obviously things are far worse now and this was a red flag I shouldn't have ignored. I have made a poor choice and now suffer the consequences. I live in a fairly expensive part of the country but I am now in a good part time job while also gaining a very useful qualification. I will be in a much stronger position in 2-3 years.

It's very easy, only ever have kids if you both really want them. Try to understand the reality of it as well (unrelenting, gross, icky, annoying and boring) because itsnot all roses. Kids aren't a product you shop for either, some are easy, some difficult, some disabled, some just unkind unpleasant and horrible. If they both understand that and still want it I'm sure they'll be fine

If they're serious, it'll best if they discussed parenting styles, childcare, safe guarding, finances, and see who's happy to do what and how. Cos it takes a serious toll. But yes, it's a risk to their relationship - make or break. Some couples never argue pre kids, then it's constant afterwards. Sleep deprivation does bring out the worst in both of you and the first 3 years are the worst! If their relationship is as strong as they think it is, then it'll survive. The main decision is whether they actually want DC or not and whether they can realistically provide a happy and stable home for them for years to come.

I think we're stronger and more united as a couple for being parents. I'd never post an OP stating that as I'd look like a smug dick.
I think our strength lies in the fact we have never thought of leaving (I know...never say never) because we had a family to consider, not just ourselves. We've been through some terrible times, when, if we had no children it would have been easier to walk away. These were never about our relationship.
DH is now diagnosed with ADHD (as an adult) and that isn't always easy to live with and our two DS also have it.
We've experienced trauma, as everyone does, and I have an X Factor worthy sob story. We faced those times together and found strength in each other. Our youngest, a DD (who has CHD) is now 17 so the physical hardship of parenting is now more or less over. Mentally, you're always the parent.
We've been parents for almost thirty years now. I think it's enhanced our relationship, it's the family we both wanted. Having DC never changed the way I felt about DH. I see that happen often when some men barely miss a beat in their lives when DC come along, whilst the DW's life is unrecognisable from before. You need to discuss beforehand what is expected.
If you have cracks already, false expectations and you aren't equal, I can see how easily the rot can set in. If you're strong, united and realistic you have more of a chance of happily staying together, but even then the added pressure can be too much.

It doesn't actually sound like much of a partnership if they only want the easy fun times.

What?? What hogwash is this?

I'm 60 and most of my relationships have been geared toward having fun companionship. That's the point of them.

Not everyone is into little kids. Why does that infuriate you?

This might be a difference of semantics... The way I see it, "relationship" can mean anything between two people. "Companionship" means just that, and can be a feature of any relationship. "Partnership" means that you are actually partners in a joint enterprise, working as a team, for better for worse, with a long-term view and all of that. I mean, basically, marriage, but nowadays there is a blurred line with couples who intentionally live "as married" without marrying, so I said partnership (though the couple in the OP are married iirc). So I stand by what I said, even if it was clumsily expressed - for a married couple who actually want children to be scared off the idea because they're worried the lovey-dovey times will change, is frankly a bit wimpy and fairweather. It doesn't demonstrate much confidence in their resilience, and ability to change and deal with change as a team. I'm surprised they didn't think this through before marrying.

For me there's a very clear difference between not wanting children because you are very happy with your life without children and you don't believe you would be able to live your life the way you want to with children (which may be the case whether or not you are in a relationship) and not wanting children because you're afraid that it would ruin your relationship.

To me, the former is perfectly legitimate but the latter suggests that you secretly fear that this relationship will fail at the first hurdle. Having children is hard but it isn't the only hard thing you might go through in life. It's just a hard thing that you generally have the choice about whether to do or not do. If you think your relationship might not survive having children then what do you think will happen to your relationship if one of you gets cancer or becomes disabled or loses a parent or gets made redundant? Because these things put strain on relationships too.

Don't you want to be in a relationship which is strong enough to weather storms, regardless of whether or not you have children?

I would say the ultimate test of the strength of a marriage is having kids!! DH and I have 2 neurodiverse ds’s. One with severe ADHD. The other with Tourette’s, ADHD and visual snow syndrome On top of their nuerodiversities they have both had mental health struggles which have brought me to my knees on several occasions. DH is hopeless dealing with all of this to the point the boys don’t communicate how they’re feeling to him anymore because his “help” makes them feel worse. So it all falls to me all the time. I’m surprised we’re still together. I imagine everything we’ve been through (there’s so much more!!) would’ve broken some marriages

Me and my fiancé are best friends, I also didn’t believe in it until I met him.

We have a 3.5 year old and a 6 month old, we are still best friends and madly in love but I can’t say it’s not different. We have no support system which doesn’t help, it’s a massive plus if you still get to do things together child free (very rare for us). It’s definitely more effort to make time for each other, but it’s soooo worth it and neither of us would change it.

My husband & I say we love each other too much to want kids. We want to pour all of our love in this world into each other and it’s perfect for us.

How do you know? Are you with them 24/7? Are you part of their marriage?

@Doone22

when you put it like that, it’s amazing anyone does want them! (What you’ve said is absolutely true!)

This. Having kids brings any hidden cracks to the surface. It tests you and requires you to be committed not only to your partner but to fairness, equality and doing your share of the shit stuff.

There is less shit stuff and more free time pre-DC so lots of partners who like to coast and not pull their weight go unnoticed. Having children is like shining a fog light on their inadequacies, which suddenly become very clear indeed. And because the other partner is tired and overworked, they have a lower tolerance for crap behaviour.

But there are lots of difficulties and tough times in life completely unrelated to having children - even if you don't have kids, that's no guarantee that your relationship will remain untested and endure because of this.

That was me too and to be honest I should never have chosen such a selfish controlling person as my dcs' father but ar first I was young and stupid - and later it was in for a penny, in for a pound! Thankfully my dd have put a lot of thought into chosing their dh and to have dc (my dad is wonderful and I ignored the red flags but at least my dd were not so naive).

It really depends on what they want out of life. A strong marriage should take having kids!

For me personally I'm very happy in my marriage, but have always wanted kids and I think in the future I'd have felt unfulfilled without any.

Honesty I'd rather be a single mum in the future, rather than happily married and childless. But that's because I've always had a deep want to be a mum and I love it. Touch wood lots of us can have both!!

They sound a bit insular. The person I know who talked a lot about children messing up relationships and having the perfect relationship (so she was never going to have them) seemed to be in a marriage with a man who was incredibly controlling imo.

Anyway we tick lots of nightmare boxes - years very short of money, severely disabled child & that all just made us closer & our marriage stronger.