If you have a perfect relationship, is it worth having kids?

[karmasacat]

I’m just thinking and wondering if other people have opinions on this. Knowing how much kids can impact a marriage (even children who are neurotypical, good sleepers etc.), would you say that if you have a very happy, very strong marriage where both of you are perfectly happy with each other then it’s not worth the risk of adding children?

Talking to a friend about this - her and her husband are the happiest couple I know. They’re unbelievably in love and have such a strong marriage. I really didn’t believe couples like them existed until I met her! Now they’re considering children but both are worried about damaging their incredibly happy relationship with each other, so many people say it ruined their marriage it’s really put her off. Anyway, any thoughts?

They’re both on the fence about children -

Then they need to explore separately about why they want a child or children. Then if they do how many children they want.

I remember reading this article - https://www.theguardian.com/wellness/2023/nov/20/decide-not-have-kids-regret-parenting

my friend more so but as she said, she’d be keener if she didn’t have to have the baby!

That is in reality a very small part of having a child or children. Being on a parenting forum means that you will get lots of talk about pregnancies and babies, but in rl you won't personally have to deal with babies for years unless you have your own large family or work with babies.

This makes no sense - so only people in shit relationships should have kids? Or people have kids to bolster their shit relationships?

Sounds like your friends don't actually want children, they just feel the social pressure as a 'perfect couple' to procreate. Which is not a good reason to have kids imho.

I think it's very personal, and it's a gamble whatever anyone decides. I think the only way to decide to have a child is to feel strongly that's what you want.

And then to have counselling to get yourself as sorted as you can before having one. If I had my time again, that would be the main thing for me, I had no idea how much I didn't know myself and being a mum has revealed a lot and it's much harder doing this learning alongside learning and supporting my child.

I have only anecdotes I can share, specifically on the point about the woman being more on the fence: the 2 friends I have whose partners were more keen, they have regretted having a child.

Its one of them situations where you can't have your cake and eat it. It's good your friend knows it's a risky having children. Usually people have a string desire to have a child when yourbin love with that person... it's natural. Agree with the other person what's the alternative?

You must realise that this is a bizarre question OP? I wouldn't consider having children outside of a very strong, happy relationship. If you have such big doubts before having children then there must be a part of you that doesn't really believe things are that strong.

My husband and I had what many people considered a perfect relationship, we were always out doing fun stuff, traveling the world, socialising together and seperately etc.

Now we have a beautiful, happy, healthy toddler and we're expecting our second child any day now and life couldn't be better. I tell my husband every day what an incredible dad he is and I'm always in awe of how easily he embraced fatherhood. We're so so so fortunate and we often comment to each other how lucky we are.

God, reading this back it sounds a bit sickening but it's honestly how I feel.

They're separate issues. You either want kids, or you don't. If kids would break a relationship then chances are something else challenging will break that relationship such as grief, financial issues etc. Many relationships last longer without challenge, but worthwhile ones can stand up to it, whether it's kids, or any other of life's challenges.

I don't believe in perfect marriages. I've never met anyone who has one. The more you spend with couples the more you can see/ hear the niggles.

Having a 'perfect' marriage means that they've probably never had to face adversity/ problems/ have conflict and work through them. Not experiencing that will not give the chance to experience success at resolving conflict.

If they want to have kids and they are putting themselves off because some people said their relationship will be damaged their relationship is not that perfect.

That’s silly. Theres no obligation to have children, after all. Have them if you want them. That’s the only reason.

It's very hard to be sexy AND domestic. I think its the domesticity that comes with kids that can kill the sexual side but that wanes with time usually anyway.

If they want kids It's worth it.

If not It's not.

This is a strange question to me.

Adore my DH. Couldn't wish for a better partner.

Felt like that before we were parents and now 100x more since we've been parents.

I've wanted children my whole life. I wouldn't have married someone who didn't.

Sure life would have less stresses in many ways without kids. But we also couldn't have been as proud of each other, and the children we've made, if we'd have not had kids.

I literally said don't have them if you don't want them, in the post you have quoted.

Who's silly?

I enjoy seeing a new side to my husband since becoming parents. He is patient, silly and more fun with our kids then he was before. Being a parent certainly changes you and your relationship but don't we all chnage and evolve though life. Even if they don't have kids they won't be the same people or have the same relationship they do now in another 10 years.

If you find someone you love and are attracted to, don't risk that for all the tea in China imo. Let alone a person that doesn't even exist.

The only reason people say otherwise is because society brainwashes women into thinking kids are a goal.

There was a thread just yesterday with a lady who says she no longer fancied her husband after having a child. He was just 'dad'.

Children mess up so many relationships and then - they also suffer the consequences of that.

Let's be real, the vast majority of people shouldn't be having kids. It's really not safe, it's not necessary, it ruins relationships and it puts women in vulnerable situations.

Time for us to start saying no. Especially if we love our lives just as they are. Don't ruin good things, enjoy them.

This is a slightly odd question to me. I would say that nobody should have children who doesn't have an absolutely overweening urge to do so. Even then, it is very uphill work, but rewarding if you want it. It was never an issue for me and my partner because neither of us were keen. In an ideal world, if I had loads and loads of money and could afford to do basically no childcare, and could have expensive surgery to get my body back looking great, and could be sure of having a boy, I might have gone for it. But I don't feel Im missing out by not having a son. If your friends don't feel they are missing out by not having children, I would advise them to stick to the status quo ante.

I think if people are wishy washy about whether they even want kids then don’t bother. We both wanted a family. And yes, it’s hard work (if you do it properly), but we feel very blessed and our children are the biggest joy and pride of our lives together. It’s a profound new level for a relationship.

Im longterm single no kids but my sister and BIL have an amazing relationship, they have been through IVF and one child (naturally in the end), serious illness and their relationship is better than ever.

I find it hard to believe that an otherwise perfect relationship can be ruined by having kids.

If a relationship falls apart after having kids, all that has occurred is that the fairly normal stresses of raising children have exposed fractures in the relationship, issues within one or both partners or communication problems that weren't evident before.

@LarkspurLane

I think though if you are worried for one minute that your "perfect" relationship will crack due to kids then definitely do not have them.

If everyone took that attitude, then only people who were purely driven by impulse, and without any capacity for critical thought; would do anything at all! The majority of people would never get out of bed in the morning if they only did things they never ever had a single moment's doubt about!

The fact they are agonising about this suggests that their relationship isn't as "perfect" as it seems.

Besides, I'm always a bit suspicious when people say someone's relationship is the picture of perfection. How would you really know? Lots of people act as though they're a lot happier than they actually are...

Whether or not to have children in a perfectly happy relationship is a deeply personal decision that should be made by the couple involved, taking into account their individual values, priorities, and risk tolerance.

While it is true that having children can significantly impact a marriage, both positively and negatively, it is not a guarantee that a happy relationship will be ruined by parenthood.

It’s risky and to be honest I’m not sure the reward is always worth the risk. Kids are hard work and they change your life.

As others have said, it is odd for someone to say that they're unsure about having kids as it might ruin their 'perfect' relationship 🤔 it feels very superficial.

Perhaps the real reason is that one partner suspects that although the other is great in their current situation, they won't be supportive as a parent? Then they don't know what to do from here as they don't want to break up but they're not sure if having kids is a dealbreaker, so they just coast along?

The more stable the relationship, the more likely they'll have a better time with kids compared to (what they see as) a couple with an 'imperfect' relationship.

It's about having kids if you want them, and not having kids if you don't want them. It's not about ruining anything.

It sounds like they may have some kind of FOMO due to everyone around them having kids, and probably people telling them how wonderful they would be.

There is still so much societal pressure to reproduce and childless people, especially women, are treated like we are strange and not normal.

But that's no reason to have kids unless you really want them. To some extent it js nothing to do with their relationship but more whether these are two individuals who want to be parents. If the answer is no, don't have them. If maybe, then, age willing, wait a while. But only have them if, individually, they both want the same thing.

I never wanted them then the decision got taken away from me anyway. I've had a couple of wobbles, but never really ever doubted my decision as it was the best one for me.

My ex husband wanted kids. And he wanted them more than he wanted to be married to me, so we split.

I don't really get this, but then I suppose I had such a strong physical and emotional drive to be pregnant that the nature of the relationship wasn't much of a consideration. Which isn't ideal either.

I guess I think unless you have a passion to have a child, why do it?